Can't stop obsessing over whether to have a 3rd child

[Ilovechocolate87]

Abit of background; I'm 35, mummy to 2 lovely girls aged 5 (nearly 6) and 15mths.Ever since my youngest was born i just constantly debate in my head whether I should have another one....i didn't get the feeling of definitely being 'done' after having DD2, although i don't feel like i desperately want another baby right now by any means, but its like I have this pressing need to be able to make a permentant decision either way in order to calm my head! But i just don't feel like I can.

I am so happy with our two wonderful girls who we've been blessed to have, and have tried convincing myself with making lists of reasons not to have another. There are many 'what if' ones and reasons which would mean it may not be ideal but would be doable, but no major no's such as previous high risk pregnancies or DH not being on board (he is happy to go along with either option) I can't currently invisage going through pregnancy, birth and disturbed nights (which I'm still in the thick of as both mine have been night owl babies!) all over again anytime soon,but then I wouldn't have done at this stage with DD1 either.I would never want less than a 3 year age gap between children personally, so if we did have another i would be 36/37.

I recently tested the water selling/giving away afew baby bits which I thought might help give me closure on having babies and help me feel more sure, but it has just made me feel worse and also made me ruminate over the decision even more!

I don't know if because of my age its hormone related, and also maybe because I knew we would definitely want 2 but never really thought past that.One thing I will say is that becoming a mum was all I ever wanted from a very young age....I have never really had many hobbies, or felt a need to progress alot in my career, although i like my job its not my main focus in life.I 'lived it up' in my 20s and still socialise lots, but most of my friends have children now too.I don't feel i'm missing out and desperate to 'get my life back' as some do.

Any tips how I can pleeeaaassse stop constantly obsessing over this whenever my mind isn't occupied with anything else....at least until we would be ready to try for another (if we ever are!)

It is hard, the only thing putting us off is my pregnancy- severe HG and the sleepless nights again (not that my 3 year old sleeps through anyway) but it's going back to it all. 3 year old is so independent now and will be starting school in Sept. So really I know the older 2 will be a good age if we do have a 3rd.

But I just want the big bulky stuff gone out the house, so we really need to decide. Financially it's not an issue.

I was like this for a few years after DC2 - it was a constant evaluation of the pros and cons. Then I realised I wasn’t thinking about it much any more and thank my lucky stars I didn’t act on my urges. I was definitely hankering after a pregnancy and a baby rather than another child, if that makes sense.

I got a couple of dogs instead and they are regularly referred to as the ‘third child I didn’t bother having’ 😂

Utterly normal to feel like this. Children are amazing and your biology is trying to get you to have more too 😊

I stopped at 3 because we couldn't get more than that in the car. Simple, pragmatic.

If you feel that you really ought not have another, then you might try time-honoured tactic of distracting yourself

I know what you mean by obsessing about it. To my total surprise the idea of a third popped into my head when my second child was only 9 months old. I had always thought I only wanted two children. But from then on it was the thought or question that came into my mind whenever there was a quiet moment, and I must’ve read the internet about whether to have a third. It did feel mentally exhausting and upsetting at times. Either way, we knew we didn’t want to try right away, so we went back and forth a lot. At times I felt I’d made peace with only having two, then we’d see a family of 5 messing around in the park and it would set us off all over again. In the end we concluded that, despite all sensible reasons not to go for it, the fact that the idea hadn’t gone away was our answer. We’d always wonder if we didn’t. We’d never got rid of anything either and that was also telling when we really thought aboutm it. So we now have a just turned 10 year old, 7.5 and 3.5 Yr old. For me it definitely wasn’t about another pregnancy or baby, neither stage thrills me. But the wonder of getting to know another person, helping them grow and the long term hope of having a lovely big noisy family was what we had in mind. So we went for it! And the second he was out I 100% knew I was done and as soon as he no longer needs anything I give it away without a pang. So I think we made the right choice. I won’t lie, it’s hard work, relentless and more days than I’d like I feel I’m the overstretched mum I worried I’d be. But our age gaps work for us, his siblings adore him, it races by and you know that any annoying stage will be over soon. Good luck with your decision. If you don’t want to have another right away I think that expecting yourself to make the decision in the abstract is tough, you need to store the stuff so you’re ready to go if that’s what you decide, rather than trying to decide now.

I'm pregnant (10 weeks) with DC3. I have 2 girls aged 26 months and 12 months. I always knew I would have at least 3; in my heart I want four, but I've told myself this is the last one.
I find it weird when people say "never have 3" as one pp did. People are different. What's right for some is not for others. The most difficult part is that you are making your decision without really knowing the most important thing - what are your existing children going to be like? what's the new one going to be like? how good at sleeping? any sen? and so on. For some people five are easier than one - if the one is severely disabled. Of course you can't live your life assuming the worst will always happen.
You definitely want a bit of a gap, so even if you made a final decision now, you could always unmake it. It's such a big thing I'm not sure you will stop thinking about it until the time comes when you have to decide one way or another.
Reading what you have said I get the impression you do want another. Not being able to stop thinking about it, even if it's the decision itself, to me suggests that's what you want, and if you can in terms of money etc and your DH is willing....then go for it.

But from then on it was the thought or question that came into my mind whenever there was a quiet moment, and I must’ve read the internet about whether to have a third. It did feel mentally exhausting and upsetting at times. Either way, we knew we didn’t want to try right away, so we went back and forth a lot. At times I felt I’d made peace with only having two, then we’d see a family of 5 messing around in the park and it would set us off all over again

This is literally me at the moment! I am swaying sometimes daily or more from being 'no I'm definitely done with two, wanting to clear out the baby stuff, trying to be content with what we have (or when things are stressful wondering how we would ever cope with more!') To hearing someone announce a 3rd pregnancy, or seeing people with 3 children and feeling a pang of maybe wanting that too, a sudden attachment to the baby clothes, and even doing things like googling 'cars that fit 3 child seats' 🙈

Sounds to me like you're obsessing about it because you're starting to realise you do want another one and you're processing it. If it helps to see how things might be, I have two kids of similar ages and am so done. I never think about having a third; I am totally happy with our family the way it is, it;'s perfect, and that is it. I'm done! You don't sound like me ;-) Good luck!

Stopped at 2 so glad we did. Two girls who get on we can do so much as a family and can give them alot of time and attention. Lots of travel etc. Absolutely no regrets. I think it’s hormonal at that stage. Teens need alot from you even easy ones. Plus environmental reasons I felt bad having above replacement level everywhere feels so crowded others disagree but that’s how I felt.

Sorry missed this reply til now....I guess there are lots of 'head' reasons i could list, some maybe more warranted than others...but the main ones being;

• Concerns about relationship dynamic between siblings, and impact on the relationship between my existing girls (would two become closer and one get left out) although it may work out the other way and make for less intense/competitive relationships I guess.
• The thought of going through labour again.....and the risks of it.
• We had missed miscarriages before each of our girls, I do worry it may happen again especially as I will be older.It also means I went through the tricky 1st trimester of pregnancy 4 times...unsure about going through all that nausea and tiredness for a 5th time.
• I worry about whether we would ever find anyone to babysit 3 at once! And also if something happened to me and DH (god forbid it won't) I don't know who would take on 3 children :-/
• Finances- I know a 3rd child would be doable in the sense they wouldn't want for any of the essentials, but we would need to cut back on the extras.Also we would need to change at least one car and factor in moving somewhere with an extra bedroom in years to come (we have a 3bed currently) There is also a little voice in the back of my head saying 'and what if it was twins!'

I was an only child from a privelidged upbringing, I never wanted for anything (though wasn't spoilt) was showered with attention and my parents always were able to help me out financially if I needed it (eg: paying for driving lessons, towards wedding etc) But I always craved sibling/s more than anything.
I also came from a small family- I only have my mum now, who is an amazing grandma but already in her 70s.DH has a big family but unfortunately we don't have alot to do with many of them anymore including his parents, as they are dysfunctional and toxic people.He isn't that close to his siblings and they don't live locally anyway.
So I feel like our two won't have much family around them as they grow up...so i wonder if maybe by giving them another sibling may help that, to create a good network for them to support and socialise within (we are a close family so hoping they would all remain close growing up)

I guess its weighing up if giving them both another sibling would be worth the trade off having less material items such as xmas/birthday gifts and life experiences, such as holidays abroad, and also if splitting ourself one more way would impact them detrimentally.

Oh and how could i forget...the sleepless nights! Both mine have been total night owls, waking up every 2-3 hours a night for the first couple of years, and because they've both been breastfed bottle-refusers, the night feeds and feeding them back to sleep for comfort has all been on me! 🙈😬

If you’re obsessing this much you should definitely go for it. I knew I was done at 2!

Could have written this myself OP! Have 2 girls aged 9 and 6 and 13wks pregnant with DC3. I haven't stopped smiling since finding out. I literally cannot wait to have 3 as I've never felt "complete" with 2. There's never a right time, just go for it. Will you regret not having a third in 10yrs time when it may be too late? X

Aww that's sweet- congrats! Yes this is what I'm worrying about... if I chose to go with the cautious, sensible, and idealistic option of sticking at 2 but then ended up missing the boat to have a 3rd and feeling regretful for ever after about not going for it! DH already said once that whilst he would be content with two and grateful for what we have if I definitely didn't want more, he might feel like there was 'someone missing if we didn't have another' I jokingly dismiss his humorous comments of 'when we have a 3rd child' but secretly quite enjoy them!

I'm not sure if it's abit like when you crave a particular gender of baby....or fall in love with your 'heart' person rather than your 'head' person...as much as common sense and level headed thinking may say otherwise... it just doesn't seem possible to shake the feeling! 🤔

Thanks so much to everyone by the way for such helpful, varied and insightful responses! It's really interesting to read people's different views and experiences and how they vary person to person ❤️

Ah your DP sounds lovely and very supportive of what your decision is which is half the battle I think! 2 is definitely the more sensible and safer option, I do agree. I do worry about how we will cope financially etc but I just think, we'll cope somehow! I have tried counselling, CBT, changing career and I just couldn't shake that feeling of wanting another but of course others have made very valid points and it's completely up to you and the end of the day. All the best with your decision 🥰

Why? Can you give honest reasons? I’m asking the same question.

Quit while you’re ahead! Stick with two.

I wanted 3 but had two as would’ve been over 35 and didn’t want too much risk. Ow they are older teens I’m glad . It gets quite stressful AND expensive when they’re older.

God, I would have loved a girl after having a son
...
Now, 30 years later I'm so glad I didn't.
Life is hard as a single mum (you never know when life will throw a curve ball).

I've made a great life for both of us.
And he's turned out to be a son I'm proud of, as well as me being in a great place personally.

The obsessing was me a couple of years ago. The hours of my life I spent reading threads about it and trying to find the right answer. But there is no right answer, and it's ok to have three just because that's what you want. 1 year old DC3 is sleeping next to me as I type and I wouldn't change it for the world. Best decision ever.

We've got three and couldn't be happier. Perfect for our family.

I was done and happy at three. Never felt broody again.

Also I had my first at 36 so you're not too old!

DH and I are from a large families and while I had the same broody, obsessive feelings about a third, we decided against so we would have enough energy and attention for our existing kids.

I ruminated for years about this (DH always wanted 3).

There were times I thought definitely no, other times definitely yes, other times I had no clue!

When I got to 38, other children 7 and 4, I knew it was at the 'now or never' point. I suddenly had an end point to my decision making/dithering. I decided now rather than never and now have a 1 year old. She is the most wonderful decision ever. The older 2 adore her and our family feels complete in a way it didn't before (I know most of my friends had that same feeling after one or two kids). Yes, it is hectic sometimes - but absolutely awesome.

I would love to know what you decided?
mum going through the exact same debate now. Dd1 is 4 and dd2 is 2 next month. I have never felt done but always said we wouldn’t have more because of finance/practical but I’m terrified I’ll regret not going for it!