Can't stop obsessing over whether to have a 3rd child

[Ilovechocolate87]

Abit of background; I'm 35, mummy to 2 lovely girls aged 5 (nearly 6) and 15mths.Ever since my youngest was born i just constantly debate in my head whether I should have another one....i didn't get the feeling of definitely being 'done' after having DD2, although i don't feel like i desperately want another baby right now by any means, but its like I have this pressing need to be able to make a permentant decision either way in order to calm my head! But i just don't feel like I can.

I am so happy with our two wonderful girls who we've been blessed to have, and have tried convincing myself with making lists of reasons not to have another. There are many 'what if' ones and reasons which would mean it may not be ideal but would be doable, but no major no's such as previous high risk pregnancies or DH not being on board (he is happy to go along with either option) I can't currently invisage going through pregnancy, birth and disturbed nights (which I'm still in the thick of as both mine have been night owl babies!) all over again anytime soon,but then I wouldn't have done at this stage with DD1 either.I would never want less than a 3 year age gap between children personally, so if we did have another i would be 36/37.

I recently tested the water selling/giving away afew baby bits which I thought might help give me closure on having babies and help me feel more sure, but it has just made me feel worse and also made me ruminate over the decision even more!

I don't know if because of my age its hormone related, and also maybe because I knew we would definitely want 2 but never really thought past that.One thing I will say is that becoming a mum was all I ever wanted from a very young age....I have never really had many hobbies, or felt a need to progress alot in my career, although i like my job its not my main focus in life.I 'lived it up' in my 20s and still socialise lots, but most of my friends have children now too.I don't feel i'm missing out and desperate to 'get my life back' as some do.

Any tips how I can pleeeaaassse stop constantly obsessing over this whenever my mind isn't occupied with anything else....at least until we would be ready to try for another (if we ever are!)

Haha....Well....I got abit tired of being on the fence for so long over the August bank holiday....thought 'stuff it' one night and threw caution to the wind if you get what I mean....took the MAP after a couple of days of DH panicking and me dithering, but a month later got a positive pregnancy test so it clearly didn't work! 🫣😬😂 Have our 12wk scan on Thursday....still feels kind of surreal and I still feel kind of apprehensive as it was all so sudden! But hopefully all is well and think if so after the scan it will seem more real! DH says fate has made a decision for us.....

There is no right or wrong answer to this. If you and DH can afford another child and have the bedroom space for another child, then there is nothing stopping you. Write a list of the pros and cons.

I would say that we won't technically have the bedroom space....our two girls will to share.Hopefully we can move somewhere bigger in the next few years but no guarantees.Kids shared years ago and survived and thrived, each to their own if it bothers some people, but just saying i don't think it has to be a dealbreaker.

Congratulations :) I think your husband is right it was meant to be!

It’s great to hear an update from you as the original poster, as often you don’t get that :)

Aww thanks so much 😊💗

I feel like I could have written your post! What did you decide in the end? So intrigued to know if you went for it and how it's going x

@Millypip91 we did for 3 months and nothing happened. This was last year. So we decided it wasn’t meant to be and i embraced our family of 4.
Then earlier this year we unexpectedly felt pregnant and I was absolutely in total shock - I cried for days. I actually wasn’t elated, I was terrified. Terrified of doing it all again. Then we decided to go for it and I embraced the idea as it was always what I wanted. But then I miscarried a week later. It was the worst week of my life to be honest, such a whirlwind it really almost destroyed me.
It hasn’t made us feel like we need to go for another though. Our kids are now almost 11 and 8. I feel grateful for them but also feel like that Window has passed and I’m enjoying my time with them being older and having more freedom, etc. But when I find out that family or friends are having a third or fourth baby, it really hurts in the heart

Not sure if that helps you

@pinkbunnylugs My heart really went out to you reading this - I'm so sorry. It sounds like you've been on a real journey with it but regardless miscarriage is heartbreaking, I'm really sorry for your loss. Might be worth getting some support from Tommy's especially as you're still feeling triggered. Just a suggestion of course. Glad to hear you are enjoying your older girls though. There is already a 5 year gap between my girls and I will say it's sometimes hard to be back in the baby years even though I'm so glad I get to do it again so I can see why you wouldn't keep pursuing it. I don't know what will happen with us and a third but I think your story is another good reminder to be grateful for what we already have and not to underestimate the potential stress of a third pregnancy. Sending love and wishing you well, thank you for sharing your story.

Hey! Yes, we did go for it 😊👍 (It's strange now being on the 'other side' of these posts, as i used to constantly read about others in the same position!)

Our little boy is now 12 weeks old and whilst I know it's early days so some challenges of having 3 are probably yet to come, we are still so pleased we went for no3, and I often say to DH now I find it crazy that we were on the fence for so long! From when I first saw baby on the 12wk scan many of the 'cons' I had thought of no longer mattered, and even more so once he was here.

Life is BUSY! There is always someone who needs something (often two at the same time!) My girls are both quite needy in different ways, and sometimes I have felt abit guilty that one or the other isn't getting as much attention as they used to, but we still manage to give them 1-1 time, just not as much at the moment, but it's got easier the past 4-6 wks as baby is becoming more settled.The girls love their baby brother to bits, so mostly accept the trade off of having to wait abit more for our attention!
Our girls have to share a room now which hasn't been easy, as we can't afford a 4bed anytime soon, sometimes they like that sometimes not, and bedtimes are trickier now, but we work around it.

Those first few weeks are a real juggle, and I found we just had to go with the flow and have a 'it will get done when it gets done' attitude.Having 3 has definitely taught me to let go abit of expectations with tidying, housework etc!
In some ways ive found it easier than going from 1-2 in the sense that my eldest is 9 so can help out more (not that I put too much on her) the relationships between the siblings with him are so cute- they sit either side of him in the back of the car holding his little hands 🥰

So yeah, it was definitely the right decision for us, DS has really completed our family unit 😊 Before he arrived it sort of felt like someone was still missing, and now we are complete.

I think if you have the urge to have a another in the first place, then underneath it's what you want.I know now it definitely was for us, and wonder why we spent so long debating otherwise! And whilst seeing baby growing up fast already comes with a tinge of sadness still (such as he turns 3mths today, so we officially won't have a 'newborn' ever again! 🥹) we are at peace this time around with accepting he is our last and knowing that is definitely the right decision for us.

Can I ask your gap?

4yrs 7mths between each of them!

As @ChitterChatter1987 said, the fact we kept obsessing about whether to have a third ended up feeling like the answer had been there all along. But taking time to decide gave us some breathing space between two and three, so maybe for the best overall. He’s 7 now and it is hard and relentless but I’m glad every single day that he’s here.

Came here to say, if you can - have the 3rd!

i looked at this thread a couple years ago when I was constantly thinking of a 3rd. Then I lost so much weight and my girls starting getting bigger the thought left me for a while. Then I found my unexpectedly pregnant at 33 with 2 girls (3&5) and panicked somewhat after accepting we would be a family of 4! Well he arrived just after I turned 34 and my girls 4&6 and