Can't stop obsessing over whether to have a 3rd child

[Ilovechocolate87]

Abit of background; I'm 35, mummy to 2 lovely girls aged 5 (nearly 6) and 15mths.Ever since my youngest was born i just constantly debate in my head whether I should have another one....i didn't get the feeling of definitely being 'done' after having DD2, although i don't feel like i desperately want another baby right now by any means, but its like I have this pressing need to be able to make a permentant decision either way in order to calm my head! But i just don't feel like I can.

I am so happy with our two wonderful girls who we've been blessed to have, and have tried convincing myself with making lists of reasons not to have another. There are many 'what if' ones and reasons which would mean it may not be ideal but would be doable, but no major no's such as previous high risk pregnancies or DH not being on board (he is happy to go along with either option) I can't currently invisage going through pregnancy, birth and disturbed nights (which I'm still in the thick of as both mine have been night owl babies!) all over again anytime soon,but then I wouldn't have done at this stage with DD1 either.I would never want less than a 3 year age gap between children personally, so if we did have another i would be 36/37.

I recently tested the water selling/giving away afew baby bits which I thought might help give me closure on having babies and help me feel more sure, but it has just made me feel worse and also made me ruminate over the decision even more!

I don't know if because of my age its hormone related, and also maybe because I knew we would definitely want 2 but never really thought past that.One thing I will say is that becoming a mum was all I ever wanted from a very young age....I have never really had many hobbies, or felt a need to progress alot in my career, although i like my job its not my main focus in life.I 'lived it up' in my 20s and still socialise lots, but most of my friends have children now too.I don't feel i'm missing out and desperate to 'get my life back' as some do.

Any tips how I can pleeeaaassse stop constantly obsessing over this whenever my mind isn't occupied with anything else....at least until we would be ready to try for another (if we ever are!)

I have three boys, don't regret it one bit they are wonderful!

Went back and forth about a fourth and then the decision was taken out of my hands, am due my fourth boy in July.

I always said, when I am old I will never regret having another baby but I may regret not having one.

Me too!!! Every day I think about it. I had a shock pregnancy when my two were both very young which didn’t continue, and before that I was totally set on no more kids. Now a year on from that I can’t stop thinking about a third… and I’m not sure if I’m trying to fill a void or do I really want this? It’s scary the thought of being outnumbered! And worrying I don’t have enough time to give to them if there’s that many…. I have plenty of love! Just not plenty of time and money! X

We did it. I thought I was done at 2, but DH was keen on a third. I ruminated for years and went round in circles. All the reasons we should and shouldn't. A friend said to me, if it was a no you would be over it by now. DS2 was 5 when we started for DC3 and I got pregnant straight away.

There are so many positives. We had a DD, she is absolutely adored by her brothers, who were 10 and 6 when she was born. It has kept our home "young" which can be a good and bad thing! Christmas was lovely, as the boys had to get into the spirit of it more than if she wasn't around.

But, its put my career and our finances back 5 years. Its a lot more exhausting at 39 than it was at 29 and in my early 30s. Its difficult now to do family activities with 3 very different ages: 15, 11 and 5.

My rational brain would say don't do it. But my heart says go for it!

Hey OP what did you decide in the end? After over a year of discussing baby no3, we have decided to go for it! So will TTC later on in the year giving me some time to save a bit more. We didn't want to have any regrets of not having the third as we know we will never regret having a baby!

@chocciebiscuits hiw are you getting on now with your 3? Mine 2 are the same ages as your older 2 and I’ve been going back and forth for YEARS on a 3rd. Mine are 6 and almost 9 now. I feel like it’s now or never…

We have 3 and it’s wonderful. Yes there are disagreements and mess and it’s tiring, but I found that with 2. I wouldn’t change it for the world, our family is complete now

Ah hi pinkbunnylegs !
It was absolutely the best decision to have our third, we had a little boy after 2 girls which has completed our family in a way we never knew we needed. I'm not going to lie, I am exhausted 😂 but maybe because I've just turned 40 too, I have less energy than I did 10yrs ago. The sleepless nights have been harder this time round but watching my other 2 with him is just the best thing in the world. I personally think a large age gap is great because they can help more and if I need them to be quiet at nap time etc they understand that. It is quite hard facing the pre teen hormones with my daughter and then being up all night with a baby but I wouldn't change it for the world. I think your other 2 would adore the baby. What does your half other think? X

Hi @chocciebiscuits thanks for r replying. Sounds like a (tired) dream! I’m 33, he’s about to be 42. Kids are almost 9 and 6. I’ve never felt done but worry abit about my body going through it all again.
His main issue is finance, if it wasn’t for that he’d happily have 3. Money wise it would be a big change… that’s what deters us the most. Plus our eldest is likely to have ADHD and either needs Home educating or sending to private school, so… a 3rd would defo knock the status quo and possibly be not fair for our eldest… I’ve gone round and round and kinda wish I did it years ago as I feel like it’s now or never or almost too late in terms of age gaps…

Yes I have to say it was the hardest pregnancy by far. Nothing serious but I just had every symptom in the book! My body is only just feeling recovered now and the baby was 1 last week! It has been tough in that way. Money was our most major factor too, we definitely didn't have the money for a third! But somehow you just manage. We live in London and it's only my husband working so it's a lot of pressure on him but we are managing. Our first child also had ADHD! We sound very similar! It's been an adjustment for her but it's actually bought some really nice qualities out in her that we wouldn't have seen otherwise. Is is hard I'll be honest. Finding activities they all like to do is impossible because of the age gap. But they absolutely adore their little brother. I just knew I'd regret not having another. I say go for it! You never regret another little one x

What did you decide?!

Same! What did you decide ?

Hello- I am in this exact same position! I am curious- what did you decide? :)

Hi,
I'm in a bit of a similar position. I'm 37. Children are 8 and 11. I always wanted two. My husband always said you never know what the future will bring. I understand it's hormonal and my two are probably too old. So many pros and cons. I'm overthinking it so much. I didn't think like this when deciding to have a 2nd baby.
Would love to see a good psychic!

Hormones! God how you can want to start all over again when you are through that stage I really cannot understand! Teens and a toddler! Nightmare.

Hey everyone! I am the OP of this post 😊Sorry I changed my name so never got notifications of the updates and new posts.

Well! Nearly 2 years since I wrote this post I'm STILL in the same position beleive it or not 😅🙈

I am 37 now and feel we need to crack on and make a definite decision sooner rather than later as I will already be 38 when giving birth if we did go for it, but it's soo hard!
One minute I think we should definitely stop at 2 as there's alot of reasons why that makes sense, other times I think how it would maybe be nice to have another little person in the family to love!
I'm just so scared of making the wrong decision 😫

The main reasons for NOT going for it would be the following;

• DD1 (now 7 nearly 8) can be quite hard work at times! She is currently in the assessment process for ADHD so unsure what the future holds with that...interesting to hear a couple of other positive perspectives from others in same position though.

• I am so worried if something happened to me and DH nobody would be able to take all the kids and they would get split up (although I know this is hopefully unlikely to happen)

• I'm on the fence as to whether I feel I could cope with the demands of a doing it over again....pregnancy, birth, EBF if they refuse bottles again, sleepless nights (which along with the feeds would be all on me for a good couple of years, unless I randomly pop out an amazing sleeper or one who will happily combination feed 😂) and also the ability to split myself and give everyone enough attention especially with the differing ages.

• I'm quite worried about the risks of giving birth a 3rd time especially having TWO children who need me now and due to my age (although I know many have babies in late 30s) My friend lost quite a risky amount of blood when having her DD a year ago which highlighted the risk.

• 2 children would have to share a bedroom for the foreseeable future, as we live in a small-ish 3 bed semi with not alot of space.

• I'm worried about how a 3rd would impact relationship dynamics as our 2 girls have a lovely one....littlest is now 3 and adores her big sis, who is playful, loving and protective with her most of the time! Unsure if someone else in the mix would be a good or bad thing.

Reasons TO have another are;

-It would be good to expand our family network for years to come and give our kids a couple of siblings (I barely have any close relatives around only my mum, and DH doesn't speak to most of his family)

• It would be nice to create another little person and have the pleasure of watching them grow, develop their individual personality, looks, life etc.

• DH has become quite keen for another and mentions it regularly (as does oldest DD!) Sometimes we say we can't imagine leaving that stage behind forever and we haven't managed to part with any more baby stuff yet.

• Another year of maternity leave would give me another block of time to be more present for my girls, around the time youngest starts school.

I would be interested to hear updates from everyone else who has posted awhile ago deliberating about a 3rd....did you go for it?! And pros and cons of doing or not doing so.

I’m the same as you @ChitterChatter1987 I am nearly 34, mine are 9 & 6.5. I feel like the ship has sailed by every month I get a little thought of hmmm what if I’m pregnant (face palm)

I am also still deliberating but feel like I need to make a decision soon as I always wanted a small ish gap between 2 and potentially number 3! Your reasoning all makes sense to me! One quote I can’t shake is you could regret not having another child but you’ll never regret going for it and having the (
3rd) child that is here !

My thoughts exactly, worst thing we ever did was have 3 kids. Ruined my marriage quite frankly.

We mulled about a third then didn’t. Love our family if 4 - two easy same sex teens who get on with each other and us. Why make life more difficult for yourself?

It’s usually baby fever which is hormonal and passes. Three lots of uni fees…friends with 3 love them but admit they are weary of going through GCSEs and parenting a teen for the third time whilst in peri menopause yourself. No thanks.

Hi OP. I’m 36 and currently 30 weeks pregnant with my third. My children are 3.5 and 1.5. We knew we would regret it if we didn’t try for a third, although as things get increasingly easy with the older two, I do increasingly wonder whether we are mad… Too late now though!

Sorry to hear that...was your marriage strong before the 3rd?

Hey OP, have you decided yet!? 😄

for the last 5 years I’ve been obsessing monthly. We didn’t use protection for the last few months and nothing has happened. I see it as a sign (we are 34 & 42). I now can say this is what’s meant to be and I was glad when my last period came. I feel peace at last. I’m not sure what changed but I think it was time; energy and age gaps. I want to enjoy my two now they’re older and not “go back” and be unavailable to them for the next few years x

I’m so with you on this! I have 2 beautiful children 4 year old boy (nearly 5) and a 2 year old girl when my daughter was born I was convinced I’m done! I have a boy and a girl no need for anymore. Even sold all the baby stuff. Nothing baby related in my house now. Then lately I seem to be seeing a lot of babys everywhere like brand new baby’s. Then on top my period was late afew months ago and I was sure I was pregnant… wasn’t in the end. But I wasn’t sad I was a little excited at the thought of another now I’m ripping my hair out… do I focus on the family and keep growing it with a 3rd or my career when both my two where in school I was very much looking forward to climbing my career ladder. Can’t stop thinking what my gran said. Children are an investment they give more the longer you have them and you might regret not having more but never regret them when you have them.

Hi! I’m exactly here for many of the reasons mentioned, currently have two DDs almost 4 and 2. Just can’t stop thinking about whether to have 3. Short term it would be difficult, but it is the long term appeal that’s keeping us questioning it. I’ve recently realised that because the girls are so close in age, when they enter teens and move on to university or whatever life has in store, the other one won’t be far behind and we’ll have an empty nest very quickly. For that reason I think we would always be grateful for a third to extend this stage of life. I’m an only child and upbringing was mixed, I was previously very career focused but now get so much joy giving my children the childhood I always dreamed of. DH has one sibling and feels similar, he also reminisces about his friends who had 2 siblings growing up and how fun and full of life their homes looked (but I then ask him, was their mum having fun??).
The long term appeal is dependent on whether we could survive the early years..! We have demanding jobs, no grandparent help close by, and my last birth ended with sepsis and I am still quite traumatised about how things could have been. I’ve progressed from never again to now being sad about the prospect of not doing it again.
I was also once put off by the logistics (car, holidays) but am now comfortable with that. Ditto DH.
Just sharing for any other views or anyone who relates…