No one understands

[bluebellaa]

I'm really not expecting anyone on MN to understand, I just really need to vent and I've pretty much lost most of my friends.

DD is 10 months old and has never, ever once slept longer than 3 hours at night. 3 hours is actually only applicable to when she was a newborn, now it's 1.5 - 2 hours max. Subsequently I have literally not had more than 3 hours of unbroken sleep since before she was born, and often times I'm roused up to 10 times a night. I refuse to sleep train for multiple reasons, including personal experience, it being inappropriate for DD's temperament, and the fact that I'm aware a lot of her nightly disturbance is due to discomfort from gas and reflux (stemming from a habitual poor latch that I can do absolutely nothing about at this age).

DD is also (E)BF alongside solids. She has multiple allergies that I therefore also have to avoid, which have caused symptomatic deficiencies and I have lost a lot of weight from pre-pregnancy. I used to be an amateur bodybuilder and I am now very skinny and saggy. Again for multiple personal reasons that I won't go into here, formula is not an option and neither is weaning off of BF at this stage.

DP works very long hours multiple times a week and has educational commitments alongside working, thus he doesn't spend anywhere near as much time with DD as I do. DD therefore has developed very strong separation anxiety from me and only being consoled by me. Hearing her screaming like someone has broken her leg because she only wants me and trying to ignore the instinct to be with her ruins my mental health.

PIL are around but, to be honest, I don't trust them. I have witnessed how they treat our nieces away from their mum; the way they have been with DD at times (purposely trying to scare her and make her cry at 5 months old); having no concept of how to safely offer solid foods (giving blueberries whole without squashing them); putting DD in her car seat in a pram suit... I could go on. Frankly I do not feel at all comfortable leaving DD with them when I'm due to go back to work, and they are our only option in the way of childcare.

Our future is (and has been since before DD) been banking on the success of an 'entrepreneurial venture' should we say. With the changes to the economy in the last year, failure to realise the plans I've been working on for the past 3 years now will mean we will be forced to sell our house.

As a result I spend every opportunity (DD's naps, some time when she goes to bed, and whenever DP is around to look after her) working towards this goal. I do nothing for myself because I am putting every ounce of energy into this project for the sake of our future. I don't even see friends, hence why I'm posting here rather than messaging them.

The pressure is gigantic, and the combination of it all is causing me to start to crack. I am terrified that I will let my family and myself down. I am equally upset that I am watching time slip away from me and am not finding myself able to be present and enjoy watching my daughter grow up.

I'm not going to give up, on any of it, but tonight after fighting an overtired 10 month old to get to sleep and DP being away, I really needed to let it out to help me straighten my thoughts.

Appreciate if you've read the whole way through, thank you. X

That's no way to live, for you and your child. They need sleep to grow and develop. But you seem determined to not change anything, so nothing is going to change.

Determined not to change because I won't sleep train? Correct me if I've interpreted that incorrectly.

I agree. OP is already discounting any useful advice, so in the nicest possible way, what's the point? You've gone full martyr OP.

Also feel it's appropriate to mention that she is developing fine and ahead of many peers her own age (walking, a few words, copies all sorts of fine motor skills, etc). She's also followed her growth curve to a T since she was born so I'm not sure where the assumption she is failing to thrive has come from.

Help me to understand what advice I'm discounting? Throughout her life we've had her tongue tie revised, oestopathy, chiropractic, attending breastfeeding support since she was born, medication, and every single tip and trick out there up to the point of full extinction... and that's just related to sleep.

Every single paragraph you give a problem and discount solutions, eg

discomfort from gas and reflux - your child is in pain every night, and in the next paragraph you suffer from deficiencies, but you don't want to sort their sleep or give formula.

You don't trust PIL but only childcare option. So on and so forth.

That's not really anything to suggest.

I read the symptomatic deficiencies as being your daughters, or did you mean that you are deficient? What in?

Yes I’m sorry OP but I’m at a loss, given your adamancy that any change would distress your child- but tbh this sleep pattern isn’t right for either of you.
Is there no formula you could try?

The only thing I can think of is meditation.

Twice a day sitting somewhere as quiet as possible and attempting to let your mind rest. It will not work straightaway but you might get a crumb of peace of mind (a few seconds in the 20 minutes) and you could build on that.

It’s better if you’re completely alone but if the only way you can have quiet is to hold your DD so be it.

What did you mean by “purposely trying to scare her and make her cry at 5 months old” wrt your pil?

OP, I feel the same about you about sleep training and slightly differently have no family support to help. DD woke every 2 hours until she was 22 months and then slept thru. 10 months would have been amazing. I know it's exhausting but as anEBF mum you have choices.

OP, you haven’t mentioned co-sleeping? Have you tried? Have you looked into this? Your baby is EBF (alongside solids) so I think is a good candidate. AND has separation anxiety. Neither of my babies slept well at all and the first nearly broke me. But when I read up about proper, safe, co-sleeping and stopped fearing it, it was such a game changer; my second child was much easier to manage as a result, namely because I was getting a decent amount of sleep. I think it would be worth considering.

I think what PPs mean is you appear to have preempted most of the advice that would be given such as try sleep training or cease bfeeding; and mentioned separation anxiety so we couldn't advise getting DP to assist more; and that you don't trust your inlaws.

Express and pay for a night nanny?, that way at least you'll get some sleep and be able to look at the situation from a better frame of mind. Will also help with separation anxiety.

Weaning to an appropriate formula could very well be the answer and yet you won't consider it. I am 100% pro breastfeeding, btw, and did so with my children, but sometimes breastfeeding just isn't working. You also refuse to sleep train. Sorry, op, but you definitely sound like a martyr.

Wow. That sounds so so hard.

As a mum of one tongue tied (couldn't even latch on a bottle) cmpa and egg allergy baby (only diagnosed at 6mo) I know some of what you've been through. I remember the endless winding, pacing, screaming until exhausted baby and my heart aches.

It will get easier.

With so many allergies could hayfever or dust etc be bothering her? Can she have piriton or anything? What kind of medical support do you have?

I think you would do yourself a favour to try leaving baby with dad and sleeping out of earshot. Baby might cry but they'll still be comforted by dad. Will she drink BM from a cup??

I know you just wanted to vent but a chronic advice giver.

I'm going to ignore my urge to suggest that you might be making life harder than it needs to be because you very clearly have your reasons and we are different people.

On that basis I cannot offer any advice because I have done things differently with my kids.

But you did say that you needed a rant so I want to say that I understand. It sounds horrendously hard and if I was still living on that little sleep with that much pressure and limited support I would also feel like breaking.

I hope life starts to get easier for you soon.

If you feel I'm unreasonable for having taken on board every single thing I've found in the last 10 months and given it a go to try and improve our situation except extinction, then we'll have to agree to disagree.

If you would feel comfortable putting your child into the care of people who take no notice of the parent's wishes (which are based on safety guidelines) and allowing them to purposely cause distress for amusement, then that's your perogative.

I also at no point asked for advice, I actually reiterated it was all said for venting purposes.

If you don't change something nothing will change 🤷‍♀️

You don't have to make yourself ill to care for your dd but you seem determined that this is the only solution.

Sleep training in my mind is the same as teaching a child to swim or ride a bike. It's an important life skill that will benefit them their entire life.

Dear, dear OP. I understand. I really do. DS never slept more than an hour at a time, max 3 hours over the course of a whoile night. I was psychotic with sleep deprivation. Hallucinating. Couldn't remember my own name or address. DS also had severe reflux and screamed for hours and hours all day and night and never ate. We also had no one nearby we could trust to take care of DC. And DH lost his job. All in that year.

He had a lot of other very scary medical problems which I won't bore you with. It was the worst year of my life. I had depressive issues (because I didn't get them treated for four years) and trauma for a long time afrerwards. In some ways I still have a traumatic reaction to many things linked to that year.

But, on the bright side, honestly, I think i enjoyed parenting more than almost anyone i know because once we came through the appalling first year, I enjoyed the basic, simple things about parenting so much. The relief once life settles, the immense pleasure once you get a few unbroken hours sleep - these give you more joy than people with 'easy babies' will ever know.

And I do believe every child has their good and bad phases. That year was hell but he never had toddler tantrums and was the gentlest teen - no dramas at all.

I hated it when people told me the hellish times pass because that is no comfort when you are in them. And when you are sleep deprived it feels like they will last forever and ever. But you will come through.

Don;t be scared of being an absolute PITA with the gP. Insist they refer you to a sleep clinic and trial appropriate meds for the reflux. You say she is 10 momths old. Can you not, with care against the allergies, start introducing solids. We found this helped a bit with DS's reflux.

I do understand. Hang in there OP. Both of mine were like this but improved after 12 months and markedly better from 18, slept through around 2. I didn't sleep train. Mine had allergies so i felt it was cruel. But the allergies were to blame as such because figuring those out didn't really improve sleep.

What's extinction?

Only going by what you wrote in the OP re lack of sleep/deficiencies/husband not being around enough and inadequate childcare options.

If you don't want to change, that's fine - but if you're at your wit's end due to sleep deprivation you don't sound in a good place which is presumably why you posted.

If you're just looking for sympathy, then you have mine - I had a terrible sleeper, EBF, very clingy... It's so hard.

However, there is an answer - you just don't want to take it. I found sleep training quick and easy and we cracked it by night 3. No long crying sessions, quite gentle and it saved my sanity!

Not sure if you are asking for advice or not, but do you cosleep and if not, would you?

Please do not underestimate how hard you have it having a multiple allergy child. Only those of us who've been through it (and still live it) really get it. You HAVE been dealt a tough hand.
Check out The Allergy Team online. I found the community around that really helpful

I don't think any of my children have slept longer stretches at that age. I know DS2 definitely didn't, the other two had possibly done the odd 4/5 hour stretch. With each child I do get a bit more proactive at sleep - I did nothing for DS1, he slept longer stretches at about 2, i night weaned DS2 at 2.5 and he slept longer then, I'm night weaning DS3 now at 1.5 and it's going fine.

But I find it manageable. If you don't, what could you do that would make it easier? I'm lucky and I haven't had to work during their early years so that isn't a worry. I basically nap every time they nap, cosleep to minimise disruption at night and have really low expectations of myself in the day, sometimes go to bed at 7pm etc.

Can your DH give you nap time at the weekend when he's around and baby is awake or does that not work? What about looking into a local childminder or similar if you have the budget?

I really like Lyndsey hookway on sleep and think she's really helpful. No non responsive methods, and she doesn't have any magic bullet that will make a baby sleep longer stretches but I like her all around views on sleep.

This. Also you can do gentle sleep training. It's actually not good for your baby not to be sleeping properly either. It sounds horrible and I don't know how you're coping, I can only imagine it will.get worse as you get more tired (I'm so much more tired now than I was at 10m, because it's cumulative). Anyway, you have my sympathies but unless you're going to change what you can, then it's a bit of a lost cause. Not sure what you're hoping to get here