Baby makes days out miserable

[Creamcakesandpastries]

Baby is 10 weeks old, EBF, not particularly content in general tbh, and I can count on one hand how many times I’ve properly ventured out of the house with him. One of these times was last weekend when I needed to go to the nearest decent town (40 mins away) to do some in-branch stuff with my banks. I made the effort to put some makeup on and got quite into the idea, thought maybe we could also try to have a nice day looking in some shops (mainly Primark which we haven’t got locally!) and having a coffee in a cafe. Husband and 2-year-old were coming too.

Well as much as we made the effort to sit down somewhere so I could feed him as soon as needed, kept him lovely and snug in his bassinet on the pram, kept the pram moving most of the time, he grizzled/ cried/ screamed pretty much the whole day. We still looked round Primark and some other shops, eternally hoping he would settle and go to sleep, but although he got close a few times he didn’t, and we were totally frazzled by the time we went home.

I was hoping it was just a bad day, but yesterday we needed to go again as I had forgotten a piece of documentation I needed for the banks, and he was almost as bad again. I even offered feeds pre-emptively this time, including in the car when we arrived at the car park before setting him up in his bassinet, and yet again he whinged all day, getting close to sleep but never properly settling. At one point my husband had taken the two kids to a cafe while I whipped round the banks, and as I was walking through the shop to the cafe at the back I could hear him screaming and came up see my husband cuddling him trying to console him. We wondered whether last time he didn’t like being too trussed up in his coat etc, so this time we put a jumper as an extra layer and used blankets to keep him warm but not too warm, and didn’t make a difference.

I’m just gutted that I finally felt like I wanted to be brave and get out in the world (I haven’t been great emotionally), just to find that going out as a family is actually miserable. I did make a massive effort both times to focus on giving lots of attention to our 2-year-old, who has also hardly been out lately and was born during the pandemic so hasn’t had the same experiences as other kids overall, but was conscious the whole time of poor husband trying to keep the pram moving, getting baby out for a cuddle when he was properly upset, deciding whether to find somewhere to feed him again even though it hadn’t been long since the last feed, rushing to try and look at what I wanted in the shops etc etc. I suppose it must be the big bad world being overwhelming for him and stuff because he’s so little, which I get, but I wish it wasn’t so debilitating.

I’m not sure what I want to achieve here, just sitting at 5-odd in the morning feeding him (having also fed him less than 1.5 hours ago and 2 hours before that, each time woken up by the most blood curdling scream which he keeps up throughout nappy change until latched on) feeling very sorry for myself! Thanks for reading if you have got this far!

My first was like this - just hard work all the time and very emotionally draining. I don’t know that I would have braved big, whole day out trips but we did go out most days. This was normally either a walk with friends, a toddler group (especially since you have a 2 year old) or a supermarket! He hated the pushchair until 6 months but did like sling with a dummy. I honestly saw all these mums with gorgeous chilled babies who would happily be pushed around in pushchairs and wonder why I was so crap. Turns out it was just him as dd was literally a dream baby and was a very different experience. I’m hoping your first reminds you that this is just babies temperament not you. After a year ds became very chilled and has remained laid back (now 8!) where as dd became more demanding after 1 and is 6 going on 16 In attitude!

That sounds so tough.

I honestly think 1-4 months is the most difficult baby time.
You get prepared for the tiny newborn stage but then you feel like you want (and feel under pressure to get) a bit of normal life back but really a 10 week old is just as reliant on you as they were 10 weeks ago!
I know its the age-old mantra but this will pass. In the meantime is there any opportunity in your family day for your husband to take both kids for you to just get out for a walk for yourself?
Have you tried having your baby in a sling whilst out and about?

Try a sling? My first hated the pram with a passion but he was happy as Larry cuddled up next to me in a baby bjorn.

Mine hated the bassinet too. He loved being snuggled up against me in the sling. (I got a really good quality one on eBay for a steal.)

My son hated being in the pram, would scream the whole way round a dog walk, we moved him into his buggy instead at 6 weeks and he was so much calmer being able to look at me pushing him round.

We have a buggy that you can use from birth and he was a big baby so maybe wouldn't work for everyone but worth a try if you can maybe?

I’m a bit surprised you think going to a bank and some shops with a two year old and a baby is likely to be a fun day out…. I didn’t read the entire post but you should definitely use a sling. That will make a massive difference.

If it's any consolation, it's very normal. Mine are 4 and 2 and it's a bit easier now but still bloody hard. The shortest, simplest trip out of the front door is like a military operation. You're at the mercy of naps, feeds, snacks, strops, wee stops, weather...it's super hard. Hang in there. Keep expectations low and know that it will get easier. Sucks while you're in the thick of it, I know, but you'll get through it.

Urgh I feel for you. I hate the stress of unhappy baby! Neither of mine liked being out in a pram laying down. For DS I’ve given up with the pram and just take him everywhere with the sling. It’s easier than carrying him and pushing the pram.

I pop him in the sling and he will often snooze. When he was really small I’d wearing feeding tops so I could loosen the sling to feed him without having to stop. It works well to have them in the clothes they would wear in the house with them then buttoned into your coat or with a sling cover over them. That way you can cover and uncover easily as you go into and out of shops.

it’s also handy for being able to chase a toddler around!

Both of mine absolutely hated the bassinet. Sling, and then the seat attachment reclined when they were a little older worked much better for us.

My baby was like this around this time- I remember because I sort of had “3 months” in my head as a time when I would be able to get out & about more easily, but it wasn’t really the case - she was so grizzly and unpredictable. She didn’t like being in the bassinet, and would sleep in it so rarely that she also got overtired. I had noticed she didn’t mind the car seat tho, so we got rid of the bassinet and bought a newborn insert for the pushchair. She was so much happier being strapped into something. I would say I was going out & about without anxiety around 16 weeks.

5-month old and a 4-year old, and my days out are very similar. Honestly, I go to town when I have to (bank/local town hall etc.) otherwise we only venture to our local park and playground. I get groceries delivered and shop online to avoid big shopping days with them.

Yesterday, my husband took the DC for the afternoon and I wandered around town alone drinking coffee and trying on a million outfits. I literally sat in a cafe for an hour, drinking a coffee with my AirPods in listening to music. I didn’t even buy anything in the shops but it was bliss! I think I’ll save shopping days and big days out until my kids are old enough to care about buying clothes and sitting in cafes!

My first was like this. Hated the pram and the cot so she lived in a sling during the day and at around the 4 month I managed to coax her into a sleepyhead. Also, I'd massively adjust your expectations of a fun day out, quick trips to the park, coffee shop etc is as good as it gets imo

It's normal but I remember that frustration and just feeling so trapped.

I felt like everyone else had these sleepy newborns that they could cart around like a loaf of bread while they spent maternity leave visiting museums, seeing movies and sitting in cafes.

Babies change all the time, he might be different next week.

Mine was an unsettled newborn but after 12 weeks was good company.

I do understand how hard it is but it’s completely normal. What I will say for sure tho is some babies are way easier than others. My first was like this, my second has been slightly easier, altho I don’t think either of them would have managed a day out in the pram at that age. I’m sure you know this but sounds like baby was overtired? All babies get whingy when they are overtired. I don’t think either of mine would have fallen asleep in the pram in a shopping centre tho.

you need to ensure baby sleeps. This is coming from a place of experience not smugness as my first was horrendous. I had to literally do everything to get her to sleep. 2nd thankfully is slightly easier. I use wake windows and if I was out, nap on the boob just to prevent over tiredness. Could do that in a cafe.

I also have a 3 month old and toddler so I do get it - but I still have to ‘force’ and ensure naps for the baby when out otherwise it would be terrible. If I just took him out in the pram and expected him to drift off whilst I was walking around it wouldn’t happen/ would be a disaster. I’d have to be aware of the times and go and sit down and get him to sleep. Was your first maybe just a better/ spontaneous napper? Just next time make sure you schedule in activities for the baby to nap and I’m sure he’ll be better (or sling)

I thought that maybe my baby didn't like being on their back in the pram - the lights in supermarkets and shops are v bright, as is the daylight.

My first hated the pram until she got to around 5 months. She just wanted to be glued to me all the time so a sling was a lifesaver. Have you tried one?

I'm sorry you're going through this. It sounds awful. I gave up on going out with mine, especially as we didn't have a car so it was nigh on impossible. Didn't have another so I can't imagine how hard it is having 2. It'll pass, sometime you just have to grin and bear it and both your kids are very young still. Could you get some help for your mental health?

Yeah my eldest hated Sainsburys because it was just too bright

I also forgot to say I agree with PP above re napping, and it was so worth not going out in the end as I got mine into a great napping routine at home which meant I could sleep, whilst many friends had babies who would only nap in the buggy or sling which meant they had to tramp about no matter how exhausted.

This all sounds very normal to me, maybe you had an easy first baby. I didn't do much getting out and about with either at this age. My 2nd flat out refused the pram and would only be in a sling on me at all times. Both mine are lovely kids now and we can do so much all together as a family. The baby stage gets easier if you cut right back on your expectations and try and enjoy being at home with them. It really is such a short period of time in the grand scheme of things.

Carriers are your friend. Baby often just wants to be close to you. Never met a baby who didn't like a sling

It could be reflux/silent reflux in which case being laid on his back will cause pain.
It could also explain the frequent feeding/pained cry as when they feed it soothes them temporarily.
Use a sling when out and about as this will keep him upright and happier. I recommend the ergo baby omni 360.
Try and keep him upright after feeding for 20 mins. If you have a next to me or similar you can also put the head end up 1 click more than the feet to help ease at night. If you think it might be the case for your little one , it can also be worth seeing GP as medication can help.
Some more info here:
kingstonhospital.nhs.uk/wp-content/uploads/2021/04/A0112-Babies-with-reflux-V1.pdf
I think taking a 10 month and 2yo to the bank and shopping is a big ask anyway really. Just do these as DH parks up in the car and you run in child free kind of jobs.
Try soft play, the park or local farm instead. Much less stressful for you and the 2yo will enjoy it.

My DD hated a pram AND all slings/carriers, she hated being out of the house, hated baby groups, hated shops.

It was difficult but I just accepted it and we Stayed in as much as possible 💐

Oh @Creamcakesandpastries I could have written your exact post about DC 1. Things can be so difficult but it will pass.

Just a few practical bits- if you're exclusively breastfeeding, at 10 weeks I'd say just feed as much as baby wants/can take etc. you haven't mentioned anything untoward but my DC never settled in the bassinet because of incredibly bad reflux- so being upright in a sling was definitely the preferred option but not that great either- could it be reflux?

Breastfeeding is very different to FF when babies are little and you can't have much of a routine/'timed' feeds. Baby pretty much dictates how much/when etc. How is baby when at home?

Does baby fall asleep feeding? If they're getting woken up being moved to the bassinet they've not slept enough?

Just as an aside, Also, (maybe unpopular opinion) I'd say that you don't need to nappy change baby in the nights if it's just wee's. Get them fed and back to sleep asap. If there's a poo obvi needs to be changed whenever.

My DD1 was like this. She was generally a misery as a small baby, crying all the time, but was particularly awful if put in the bassinet and moses basket. In hindsight, I think she had silent reflux as well as just being a very high needs baby. Unfortunately, it was also a heat wave, so a sling was out of the question as we both just got too hot (and she got even angrier...). What worked for us was switching her to the main pushchair seat, set to a barely-above-completely-flat incline, once she was strong enough to lift her head.
She hates being too hot and constricted too, even now at 8yo, so maybe that's worth looking at? I always went for slightly underdresing my DCs with the knowledge they'd soon let me know if they were cold (whereas overheating has fewer signs). I know you reduced the layers on the second trip, but even jumpers and blankets could be too warm once in the bank/cafe if they've got the heating up.