Be really honest - working with babies/kids

[DopeGirl]

I’m looking for complete honesty from other parents (both SAHM and WOHM). I can’t discuss this in real life without causing offence to parents which I don’t mean too but I want honest perspectives that aren’t defensive.

I’ve recently gone back to work from mat leave after having my first baby. Grandparents do childcare.

Im currently working 3 days and have until May to decide my hours permanently.

I really enjoy my job and found Mat Leave quite isolating at times. Going back I’ve felt like ‘me’ again.

However I feel stuck in a bind. On the 4 days I’m off I feel a bit ‘meh’. I take baby out and clean up the house but do feel ‘meh’. So I think then that maybe I should do 4 days in work.

But.. and this is the bit that I can’t say out loud in real life without offending but it’s meant with the best of intentions..

The 3 days I’m at work I don’t really see baby. By the time we get home it’s bath and bed. They go to bed at 7/7.30. So I literally see them for 1-2 hours the entire day. I don’t see how that’s fair on baby or our relationship to only see their parents 1 hour a day?! If I did work 4 days then they’d spend more time away from me than with me. That can’t be good for them?

But then my brother and sis in-law and some friends put their baby in nursery 5 days a week 8am - 6pm. So I think how are they able to properly be primary caregiver 1-2 hours a day 5 days a week? They only get weekends? So only 2 days a week?

Then on weekends if you want to see friends, have a date night or do something away from baby then you only get 1.5 days or 1 day a week with your child? So then that week it’d be 5 days at nursery, half a day with parent, an evening with a baby sitter and 1 full day with parent, followed by another 5 days at nursery. Most waking hours are away from parents even if you don’t ever have time away from child at weekends?

I know that may read as judgemental but my tone isn’t meant that way. More I want to know how it works in practicality, as I know it must work as many say their adult children are completely fine and they are close.

I just want tips to get the balance ‘right’. Before I decide my working hours.

I feel guilty if I spend a day away from baby after working 3 days as then they’ve had 4 days away from me so more time without me than with me.

If I do 4 working days then I’d feel even worse on the 3 days if I spend 1 of those days away from them seeing friends/date nights etc. but I know I need that time to keep relationships outside motherhood.

But at the same time on those 4 days off, by the 4th day I am ready to go back to work which makes me think maybe I should work 4 days.

So it’s about finding that balance. I really want to know how other parents found that ‘balance’ and how it works in reality. It might help give me some perspective on things.

Really hope this doesn’t come across as goady because I’m honestly looking for long term parenting advice.

My SIL does 0.7 FTE so 3.5 days, that works for her. I do 0.8 FTE & do think 0.7 would be nice but not feasible in my job.

I normally have an hour with him before nursery & work through lunch on the days I wfh, so I can pick him up earlier. I might also do a bit of work once he’s gone to bed.

He has the time of his life at nursery, I’m a better mum for working & I really do cherish the days we have together.

We alternate days off so i have the kids one weekday, husband another weekday, 3 days in childcare. Means they are with us 4/7 days, + evenings of others, but we can both work at least 4 days a week. Works well for us. I think its a good mix

I did 3 days when mine were in nursery and it was perfect.

You might find the "home" days get more fun as they get older and more interactive. I used to go to farm parks and stuff with friends on a regular basis. I am so glad that I had that time with them.

I do full time, as does my husband. We have the best weekends, have a cleaner so no chores. I see my kids briefly in the morning to take them to nursery, husband picks up and does bath. If I go out after work I don’t see them that day. We have a great family life, we both enjoy our jobs and love spending time as a family.

I went up to 4 days from 3 when DS was 2. It was a hard decision but I needed to do it for my career progression and for financial reasons (I’m the higher earner). I see him for maybe 2 hours on working days depending on my shifts (sometimes it’s 0 hours), so not very much during the week realistically. It’s been really tough. Weirdly, I’ve found going from 3 to 4 days tougher than when I went back to work from maternity leave - maybe because I now have him for less of the week then I don’t.

I have to say, I have a more limited social life now than when I was working 3 days. It’s partly because I’m shattered and I just have less physical time,..but equally we do tend to dedicate most of our free time to DS as we see so little of him during the week. Theoretically I’d like to do more with my DH and friends, but equally I don’t want to increase the time I’m away from DS anymore. It’s a tough balance. I’m hoping it might rebalance a bit as he gets older, but I’m not too certain.

If I was you I’d probably carry on for 3 days for a bit longer. Let the dust settle on your post maternity leave life a bit more. If you still feel the same way then go up on your hours, especially if you have the option to go back down again.

I did 3 days a week - tues/wed/fri.
worked really well for me.
I hated being at home when the kids were little as I found them very boring.
I found I was able to cope with the boring bits by going to work.
personally, I couldn’t/didn’t want to be a sahm.
you need to do what you think is right …

I think the length of the day plays a factor but actually your sums are off.

For us, both kids are in about 8.45 - 5.15 on a 'typical' day, sometimes a bit longer. We're lucky we can both work from home fairly regularly so that shortens the day.

Within that, for our 1 year old, she naps two hours in the day, wakes at 6, goes to sleep at 7.30. So 6 1/2 of her waking hours 5 days a week she is with other people - its a lot. But she still spends more than half her waking hours in a give nweek with us. And obviously we're the ones who are there in the night, etc etc. So despite working full time, its a lot better than 2 days out of 7 sounds.

My eldest was home with us a lot in lockdown and I can categorically say, from about 18 months, she adored being with the other kids and was fairly bored with only us during the weeks she couldn't be in childcare. As an experiment it ridded me of any lingering parental guilt.

Also, I'd query where the other parent is -is your husband/partner agonising over this? Would he drop to four days? I always think its funny when women effectively say 'but if I work full time I won't be a proper parent' but don't even question that their partner does.

I went back full time to work. I had PND before that though and worried my baby didn't much enjoy my company.

We lived in London and DD had a later bedtime (start bath at 7) than some of our friends's kids so we could cuddle, play, do stories etc. I breastfed too until 17 months.

I had a cleaner, so any time at home was just spent playing with her basically. I never felt like I missed out on her company as we did get lots of lovely times together and she was a jolly little soul.

I totally understand how you feel. I'm a SAHM to an 18m and I'm quite meh. It makes me feel so guilty. Love him to pieces but get bored of playing and I HATE housework. I'm joining us up to more baby groups so that means we are out of the house (so don't by default end up doing housework) and spend more quality time together, plus its fun for him too. I feel I'm lucky to be able to be a SAHM and the time will go fast and I'll regret it later. I very much miss my old life though, and that makes me feel guilty, but it's not forever.
If you really want to work another day, then do it or can you work out a way to make your day together more enjoyable for the both of you?

I do 5 days in 4, my mum has her one day and I work from home that day so I see her for a few hours in the morning and then from about 4/430 onwards. I then do office days 8-5 three days a week and some evening work to make up my hours when she's in bed (usually mindless emails etc). So on those days I don't see her much, 2 hours in the morning and then about 3 in the evening but she absolutely loves nursery and I feel we each get what we need and then Friday is our special day and I make sure we do something nice together like an activity and lots of 1-1 time.
She's 2 in April so I know I've got a few years left of this pattern until she goes to school and then I'll change my hours back to 5 days but shorter days in office and making up hours in evenings to make sure I can do pick ups. For me I'm very lucky to be able to pretty much just come and go in my office job and work whenever/wherever I want so it's all very flexible to my needs, and nursery is literally opposite and subsidized so I appreciate that I'm in a very lucky position. I think it really depends on what you need financially to survive ie how many days do you need to work and balancing that out with really good quality time on the days you are parenting. And that will look different for each family.

Don't forget your baby will become a small child and won't always go to bed so early.

What you're saying doesn't offend, although I'm in the situation you describe. My boys are in full time nursery. I work long hours but it works for us, and I'm a much better parent at weekends as a result. I agree though, the nursery staff see my kids much more than I do. As I say though, it suits our family.

What about doing 3 but break up the week so work mon/weds/fri or mon/thurs/fri etc instead of a block together that leaves you 4 days off in a row.

There really is no right and wrong answer with it, just what works for you and your family.

The 3 days I’m at work I don’t really see baby. By the time we get home it’s bath and bed. They go to bed at 7/7.30. So I literally see them for 1-2 hours the entire day. I don’t see how that’s fair on baby or our relationship to only see their parents 1 hour a day?! If I did work 4 days then they’d spend more time away from me than with me. That can’t be good for them?

Maybe you need to consider how your work day is structured. Do you have a very long commute? 1 hour seems like a particularly short amount of time.

We both work full time and toddler is in nursery 5 days. However she is at home until 8:30/8:45 most days and collected at 4:30. She gets 2 hours of quality time with her dad in the morning and then they walk to nursery, then she gets 3 hours of quality time with me in the evening.
I find the time we spend together in the week is much more focused than the time at the tail end of mat leave. I found the days blurred together when I was off, the tv was on more, I looked at my phone more, got distracted by chores more. Now the time we spend in the evenings is so enjoyable.
We walk home slowly, she’s still young so walks slow but she loves it so I just push the pram and let her explore. Sometimes we stop for a babyccino.
Having the flexitime to finish a bit earlier means my evenings are never stressed.
We get home, we play, sometimes we make pancakes for dinner, we read and eventually bedtime rolls around.
I don’t typically begrudge going to work because I know out of the rest of the day she naps for 2 hours, there would be lunch to make, dinner to make, dishes to clean again, snacks to prepare, toys to tidy etc so it’s not all enjoyable time spent together if I was to be with her all day.

So I think how are they able to properly be primary caregiver 1-2 hours a day 5 days a week? They only get weekends? So only 2 days a week?
Would you not consider the parent the primary caregiver if a child is in school? I only ever see people mention points like this with regards to nurseries but never school even though children go on to spend a majority of their day there.

It sounds like you don’t want to do 4 days and that’s fine. If 3 is working and you have found the right balance then stick with it.

This.
Your maths is all wrong in the first post.

However, you seem to be worrying about what others think, or what you think for some reason you ought to be doing, rather than about what you want to do.
Happy parents are good parents. If you are happy at work all week then work all week.

You might always want to work all week, which is fine - lots of people do.
You might feel differently when / if you have dc 2, or dc 3
You might feel differently when your dc is at school - life is much more complicated than when they are babies.

IF you enjoy your job, go back full time. Stop worrying about what others think or what you think others think.

I agree that your maths isn’t really right. Even if you have a really long commute and don’t see her in the mornings/evenings surely your partner does?

My daughter has just started nursery in advance of me going back to work full time. She’s with us (and awake) for at least an hour before nursery and at least 2 afterwards. She absolutely loves nursery (though of course she is asleep for at least 2 hours of the time she’s there).

We are with her every day. For every breakfast. For every night wake up. For every bedtime. Every time she is sick. Of course we are her primary carers.

Millions of mums work full time and do a great job in all areas of their life. Equally millions of women are SAHM and do an equally good job. Neither is better or worse than the other. Do what's right for you.

There’s no right or wrong - and I don’t think it has a bearing on the child’s future. 3 days a week sounds great - can you make plans for the other days to make them more fun? We both work 4 long days but different day off so each with baby one day, then all together at weekends. If you get a babysitter and go out in the evening i don’t see that as an issue as they’d be asleep anyway

Even if you're not physically with them, when they're home it's in the space you made and that follows your rules etc so it's a form of contact.

We're lucky to be able to wfh and I do short days, one primary sch child and one nursery age child, school and nursery are side-by-side five mins walk away. So on a school/nursery/working day I still see them 6-9 and 3.30 - bed. I know I'm lucky!

I wouldn't set anything in stone based on how young your child is. Babies are boring! (But cute)

Now my son is 3.5 he is great company and we have lots of fun on my days with him, am pleased I work part time at the moment. But with one baby too young to talk it wasn't like that at all.
As it happens I've had a few different roles at work in that time all on different work patterns

I think you have to do whatever works for you and your family. There is no 'right' answer.

But if you have a gut feeling that's not enough time with your kid, then I would pay attention to that and do a bit of digging.

It’s 100% what feels right for you. I had to work FT when DD was tiny as it was a new job post redundancy and they wouldn’t let me go part time. I hated it, but wouldn’t have wanted to be a SAHM either. 3 days was the right balance, which I reduced my hours to when DD got ill. I went FT when both kids at primary school which some family judged me for. Don’t worry about what anyone else thinks - ultimately kids can be happy in a range of scenarios and I regret my near constant mum guilt when they were small.

We do this too. Where is your partner OP?

I work 4 days and that’s a good balance for me.

Weekends are DH and me together, and then I have one weekday just me and DS. I enjoy it but it’s hard work.

DS only goes to nursery 2 days and with my DM 2 days, so he’s in a loving home environment. I think 4 days of nursery would be too much for him (even though he loves it).

Can your DH do 4 days and you do 4? Then baby is with a parent 4 days a week but no one parent has taken a big career hit. That’s what we do, compressed so we do long days but still manage to see DD for between 1 and 4 hours a day on work days depending if we’re in the office or at home. Can you work from home at all? There’s also annual leave days, I’ve bought more so I can have more time off next year. I also think the time I have with DD is much more quality time now I’m not on maternity leave any more. In saying all that she absolutely loves nursery so I think she’d be happy if she was in full time nursery too.