Be really honest - working with babies/kids

[DopeGirl]

I’m looking for complete honesty from other parents (both SAHM and WOHM). I can’t discuss this in real life without causing offence to parents which I don’t mean too but I want honest perspectives that aren’t defensive.

I’ve recently gone back to work from mat leave after having my first baby. Grandparents do childcare.

Im currently working 3 days and have until May to decide my hours permanently.

I really enjoy my job and found Mat Leave quite isolating at times. Going back I’ve felt like ‘me’ again.

However I feel stuck in a bind. On the 4 days I’m off I feel a bit ‘meh’. I take baby out and clean up the house but do feel ‘meh’. So I think then that maybe I should do 4 days in work.

But.. and this is the bit that I can’t say out loud in real life without offending but it’s meant with the best of intentions..

The 3 days I’m at work I don’t really see baby. By the time we get home it’s bath and bed. They go to bed at 7/7.30. So I literally see them for 1-2 hours the entire day. I don’t see how that’s fair on baby or our relationship to only see their parents 1 hour a day?! If I did work 4 days then they’d spend more time away from me than with me. That can’t be good for them?

But then my brother and sis in-law and some friends put their baby in nursery 5 days a week 8am - 6pm. So I think how are they able to properly be primary caregiver 1-2 hours a day 5 days a week? They only get weekends? So only 2 days a week?

Then on weekends if you want to see friends, have a date night or do something away from baby then you only get 1.5 days or 1 day a week with your child? So then that week it’d be 5 days at nursery, half a day with parent, an evening with a baby sitter and 1 full day with parent, followed by another 5 days at nursery. Most waking hours are away from parents even if you don’t ever have time away from child at weekends?

I know that may read as judgemental but my tone isn’t meant that way. More I want to know how it works in practicality, as I know it must work as many say their adult children are completely fine and they are close.

I just want tips to get the balance ‘right’. Before I decide my working hours.

I feel guilty if I spend a day away from baby after working 3 days as then they’ve had 4 days away from me so more time without me than with me.

If I do 4 working days then I’d feel even worse on the 3 days if I spend 1 of those days away from them seeing friends/date nights etc. but I know I need that time to keep relationships outside motherhood.

But at the same time on those 4 days off, by the 4th day I am ready to go back to work which makes me think maybe I should work 4 days.

So it’s about finding that balance. I really want to know how other parents found that ‘balance’ and how it works in reality. It might help give me some perspective on things.

Really hope this doesn’t come across as goady because I’m honestly looking for long term parenting advice.

Glad you feel better OP.

FWIW, I honest think you need to consider YOUR child and their individual needs. My eldest wasn't ready for nursery when many children were. Turned out she has ASD and mild ADHD. But I'm sure there at many children who would have been totally fine starting childcare at a young age.

I do think it's hard to find childcare that is high quality in the same way as being with a parent is. When my DD started nursery I really wasn't happy with the lack of continuity of care. But she changed to a preschool where she was happy. As long as you are paying attention to your child and are prepared to be flexible to their needs then I'm not against childcare.

BUT I do see where others are coming from with children not receiving enough parental attention. I teach at an independent school, and have seen many happy children with 2 working parents, and also many unhappy children who feel their parents prioritise their work over them. I don't think it's just about how many days you work, but I do think some parents underestimate how much self-worth children get from spending time with their parents. Generally, a child wont feel loved by nursery/school as they do by family. I think as long as your bear that in mind, lots of different options can work out just fine for the child.