Be really honest - working with babies/kids

[DopeGirl]

I’m looking for complete honesty from other parents (both SAHM and WOHM). I can’t discuss this in real life without causing offence to parents which I don’t mean too but I want honest perspectives that aren’t defensive.

I’ve recently gone back to work from mat leave after having my first baby. Grandparents do childcare.

Im currently working 3 days and have until May to decide my hours permanently.

I really enjoy my job and found Mat Leave quite isolating at times. Going back I’ve felt like ‘me’ again.

However I feel stuck in a bind. On the 4 days I’m off I feel a bit ‘meh’. I take baby out and clean up the house but do feel ‘meh’. So I think then that maybe I should do 4 days in work.

But.. and this is the bit that I can’t say out loud in real life without offending but it’s meant with the best of intentions..

The 3 days I’m at work I don’t really see baby. By the time we get home it’s bath and bed. They go to bed at 7/7.30. So I literally see them for 1-2 hours the entire day. I don’t see how that’s fair on baby or our relationship to only see their parents 1 hour a day?! If I did work 4 days then they’d spend more time away from me than with me. That can’t be good for them?

But then my brother and sis in-law and some friends put their baby in nursery 5 days a week 8am - 6pm. So I think how are they able to properly be primary caregiver 1-2 hours a day 5 days a week? They only get weekends? So only 2 days a week?

Then on weekends if you want to see friends, have a date night or do something away from baby then you only get 1.5 days or 1 day a week with your child? So then that week it’d be 5 days at nursery, half a day with parent, an evening with a baby sitter and 1 full day with parent, followed by another 5 days at nursery. Most waking hours are away from parents even if you don’t ever have time away from child at weekends?

I know that may read as judgemental but my tone isn’t meant that way. More I want to know how it works in practicality, as I know it must work as many say their adult children are completely fine and they are close.

I just want tips to get the balance ‘right’. Before I decide my working hours.

I feel guilty if I spend a day away from baby after working 3 days as then they’ve had 4 days away from me so more time without me than with me.

If I do 4 working days then I’d feel even worse on the 3 days if I spend 1 of those days away from them seeing friends/date nights etc. but I know I need that time to keep relationships outside motherhood.

But at the same time on those 4 days off, by the 4th day I am ready to go back to work which makes me think maybe I should work 4 days.

So it’s about finding that balance. I really want to know how other parents found that ‘balance’ and how it works in reality. It might help give me some perspective on things.

Really hope this doesn’t come across as goady because I’m honestly looking for long term parenting advice.

Sorry just realised you didn’t mention you have a husband, do you have a partner?

I've recently gone from 3 to 4 too and agree with what you say. I'm not sure if I'm still in an adjustment period, but I feel I've lost a lot of the work/life balance I had but the extra money isn't enough to outsource any of the household jobs to give me more time.

I also second what other posters say. Kids get better company as they get older.

I worked as a childminder with my first two then the third I went back to work 2.5 days. I found it a good mix but I worked a longer day on the day my husband could pick him up (9-530 ). so the second day was 9-430 and half day I finish at one. So still felt I had lots of time. On days off we visited family and went to playgroups , did the shopping etc

I have an 18mo DS. Me and DH both work full time. Grandparents have DS one day a week. The other days he’s in nursery 7:30-6 or 8-6. This started when he was around 6 months.

I breastfed (still do now though only in the morning) and that was a lovely way to reconnect with baby after a long day apart.

We have maybe an hour in the morning, when DS was younger he napped more so he want to bed closer to 8 but now he’s on his knees by 7 so he’s home for an hour where we eat together or has has his dinner at his table, we play for a bit and then do bath and bed (if it’s a bath night).

He also wakes up once in the night generally but idk if you can count this as bonding time 😂

It’s busy but we’re all used to it, We have some really lovely weekends. We go to a church with a baby group on Sundays so we still get the mum and toddler group experience that other mums have in the week. Aside from church we have a lazy day at home on Sundays, we bake together, play, go for walks/ playgrounds. We really make the most of it. Saturday can be more errands but all with DS! We do make an effort to do things that are fun for him.

I think a few of the things you said are quite unfair to people like me.

We chose a very good nursery, the staff are very consistent and DS has formed strong relationships with the ladies who care for him.

I should add that the reason why me and DH work full time is because we are still quite near the start of professional careers we had DS in our mid 20s so are still a few years off 30. It really didn’t feel like it was the right time to take my foot off the career gas. I know that working full time hours and putting a lot of effort into my career now will pay off in years to come. I don’t mean about working full time in terms of how it looks to employers either, I just have so much to learn still and I want to get better at my job.

I hope that my doing this now when childcare for our working hours is quite easy to arrange I would have got my career in a position where I can have more flexibility later on.

In short, we didn’t want to put off having children but we also didn’t want to put off building our careers, which is why we do both!

I know what you mean about staying home all the time. It's very isolating!

I work 2 days, and you're right: I don't get to spend time with my son those days. I do enjoy the break, and after two days I really start to miss him. So it works well for us

I definitely feel ultra-meh for the rest of the week, but I definitely don't want to work more because I do want to spend time with my son. It's really important to me that he grows up with a Mummy who is the one who mainly looks after him.

I don't mean that this is the "right" thing to do - it's just how I choose to raise my family.

DS has 3 days and nursery and 1 day with grandparents. He loves nursery and there are things I definitely couldn’t (/wouldn’t) do with him at home. He’s also got a great relationship with his grandparents as a result. So I see it holistically in terms of his relationships.
I WFH on 1 nursery day so I see him for about 2.5 hours. On 2 nursery days I’m in the office so it’s 1.5 with me around and 1 hour quality time with DH. On grandparent day I’m in the office but DH has 1.5 hours in the morning with him and then grandparents usually stay until I get home and I have my 1.5 hours before bed. I value the time DS has with DH, as I think they have a really good relationship. I have DS alone all day once a week. Both DH and I are around at weekends. I was asked to up my in office hours in January and I do feel I see DS significantly less even though it’s just an hour because I don’t do nursery drop offs and pick ups. I’m pregnant again and will go back 3 days a week if I can but mainly due to childcare costs. DH and I would split childcare more but he likes his job more than I do 😂

I think it depends on what you want as everyone judges it differently. I was full time with my eldest and he was in nursery Monday to Friday 8-6. I barely saw him and at the time it seemed ok but then he was suddenly starting school and I felt I missed out.

I didn't want the same for my youngest as so now do 4 days which works better.

I'd love to drop to 3 but couldn't financially so this is the best alternative.

What do you do op? I Am an office based professional with 2 kids (4 and 1). Over the last 4 years I've tried all combos !

It's real hard to work our what's best. There's always a catch and I'm yet to find the perfect one.

I found working full time easiest on me. I had flexibilie hours and found that if I was efficient I could generally work hours by 4pm. Husband would drop off at 8.45 and I'd pick up 5ish. So it's not a really long day. I had more energy to play with my son and was generally a bit more myself as I had MY OWN TIME! On the days oh picked up I could ho to the gym or do sth else.

I tried 4 days for a while and honestly I found that the worst. There was no change to my workload and it ended up being a great deal for my employees, not me. I had to do extra hours to get it all done and couldn't manage to get out early like I could full time. I know a lot of woman who find this. Employers make you feel 'lucky' for getting a day off so you don't say anything!

When I had my second I had them both at home two days a week and continued this when I went back to work for a while. With two, I found that was better than four as I did genuinely see a reduction in my workload. The days with them were really special. BUT I was sort of sidelined at work and did t get any interesting work.

With two the childcare cost is HUGE and I can't afford to work five days sadly. So what I do is a compressed 5 day week. It's a juggle as I have to find some additional hours in the evening. However, I am able to get a a lot of my work done during the working week (working from home half the time helps) and know that I'm getting paid for my full time workload. Plus I get one day of being mum. But there is no time either end of the work day for anything else and I'm really lacking me Time. It's pretty tiring too. I am a bit worried about progression too. I am too tired to put my mind on any sort of challenge. I can do my job because it's a familiar, easy role. But I am bored of it tbh.

Once my daughter starts school I'm definitely going back to full time.

Haven't read all the replies.

We both work FT, Monday-Friday. Get them up and give them breakfast then drop them off around 8:30.

Pick them up about 5:30, cook and eat dinner, bit of a play or video call with grandparents. Bedtime starts at 7, bedtime and tidying done around 8:30, at which point the TV goes on and we do a bit more work, fold laundry etc.

No family nearby.

Weekends we tend to spend as a family, we don't lose half a day to socialising with friends unless it's friends with kids. Grandparents often visit on a Sunday afternoon which is always lovely.

I don't feel like our relationship with our DC suffer, we all see plenty of each other. They love nursery (school and after-school club now for the older one) and get a lot out of playing with the other kids.

Thank you all so so much for your responses. I’ve read them all but can’t remember individual names to tag.

They've all given me much food for thought.
It’s good to see how other parents manage full time and 4 days.

I’m going to try and do 3 days spread out as a PP has recommended so it’s not 4 continuous days off. I think that may make a whole lot of difference.

Thanks for reassuring me it gets more fun as they get older and more interactive.

Yes I do have a very supportive DP. He does all drop offs/pick up the 3 days I work. He doesn’t mind what hours I do/work. He’s very supportive.

But school is only 9 until 3 which is 4 hours a day less than a child who is in nursery 8 until 6. That’s 20 hours a week less in school than full time nursery.

I used to work 3 days a week but the job required a lot of working outside work hours and now I’m a sahm. I think it’s very personal based on your circumstances eg family health, finances, wider family support, baby’s additional needs, supportive job and loads of other factors.

I'm struggling with a similar decision at the moment. I work (and use childcare) and really enjoy my work. I'd love to increase my hours but my youngest is only two and I want to be the main carer. I don't want their nursery worker to be the main person who looks after them.

Everyone says to do what is right for me but I think the decision to increase my hours is right for me and my career but not best for them if I'm honest. While we're not rich, we're lucky that we can afford for me to work part time and that it's our decision. In an ideal world my partner would work part time (and he'd love to) but we couldn't afford that without moving.

Your baby also doesn't have to go to bed at 7 if it doesn't work for you. DD used to have a longer nap and then stay up later (a bit like a siesta I suppose) and when the weather was nice we'd go for evening walks down the beach or to the park.

Both of us doing 4 days works really well for us.

I feel like people get quite fixated on how little time they get with their kids in the evening - mine are always tired and a bit grouchy after school/nursery and it isn't quality time but the mornings are actually great and we spend nice time playing then. They are up at about 6/6:30 so we get at least an hour of quality time, sometimes more.

I personally wouldn't want to be full time because I like having that one day a week really set aside for my kids, so if the weekend ends up busy, I feel like I have always had good time with them

That said, both my parents worked full time I don't remember thinking anything of it.

Thank you for all your replies.

@sacremerde this is exactly it. I don’t really think my baby being away from me even more would necessarily be ‘best’ for them and I know I will never get this time back. But I do feel ‘meh’ by the third day.

I think I’m going to do as a PP advised and fiddle about with my days to spread them out more so I’m not at home for 4 days straight. I think that might make a massive difference to the monotony of baby days.

Thanks everyone x

I work full time, my DH is part time (4 days a week) DS1 and DS2 go to nursery 4 days a week with dad on the other day.

For us what works is we both have flexible employers around start/finish times as long as it doesn't effect business/meetings.
So I start work early and finish early (start 6.30/7am finish 3/4). DH starts later at 9 and finishes later so he does nursery drop off and I do pick up but usually before 4. I have 4 hours in the afternoon/evening and DH has a few hours in the morning.
Planning is key so dinners during the week are slow cooker, speedy or been batch cooked.

It's also working as a team so not 1 person doing all drop offs and pick ups. Our house is "lived in" and we blitz it every week.
The balance works for us but it's dependent on employers and allowing flexible working. It's worth asking yours if they will allow this and speaking to your OH to see if they can do nursery runs as well.

I personally couldn't not see my babies loads there only small for so long and you can't get it back

I personally don’t see why people have children to then leave them in other peoples care - be that nursery, childminders, family etc. I get that not everyone can be a stay at home parent, some don’t want to stay at home, but I just do not see why you’d choose to have a child and then leave it to spend most of its time in the care of somebody else

i think a lot of society’s issues stem from lack of traditional family ie being brought up by other people instead of a parent (usually the mother) at home. I think we underestimate the value of raising children ourselves. Nurseries only came about when women started going out to work until then we all brought up our own children. The connection between parent and child cannot be beaten by child and any other care giver

I’m sure I’ll get flamed for that but it’s what I believe

so to answer your question politely - yes I do think it’s unfair to work 4 days. You’ll never have this time again with your child, you have the rest of your life to work 4 or 5 days when they’re older, and I know people say oh but they’re with their grandparents!! But like I say, the connection and influence of a parent cannot be beaten by anybody else.

raising a child a lot of the time is what you make of it. You get out what you put in. If you don’t enjoy being at home try to make it better and more interesting. As your little one gets older you’ll find more things to do

Oh give over. Keep your archaic, sexist views to yourself and just be grateful you don't have to work. There is not a bit of evidence to support what you've said and I don't know why you would post something that only serves to upset other people. Try being a bit kinder and realise not everyone is in the privileged position you are, but that doesn't mean they shouldn't have children 🙄

I work 3 days (Monday-Wednesday).. I went back to work when my DD was 8 months old and found the 4 days off such a slog honestly but now my DD is older (2y9m) I enjoy the 4 days off we have together. We do all sorts of fun stuff, it got easier when she started walking. It gets better as they get older. I find the 3 day working 4 days off the perfect balance for me.

I think the best advice I can give is that no sunny uplands exist where you can have it all with no difficult feelings.

Whatever you do, involves the loss of the other thing that you are not doing.

You have to learn to live with that. Most people do that by going for a balance, but it does come at a cost. You would both like to be with your baby, and be at work. If you work four days, you will feel like you don't see him/her enough. If you work three, you feel bored and "meh" and you miss work.

There is no magic answer sadly.

@BumpyaDaisyevna I don't know if I am a weirdo but I don't have any difficult feelings about working four days a week

... when mine were really small I worked three days a week and DH/grandma had them two days a week.

... when they were at school/older nursery age I did four days a week and I had them on the fifth day, and they went to grandma too .

... now they are both older (teen and tween) I work full time. This is mainly to bring in enough money - if I had a free choice I would have Fridays off to sort the house and then chill at the weekend. But that's not happening given how much they cost, ha ha!

I completely agree with you.
Couldn't have put it better myself and I work with children and young people so I see their side of the damage done by not spending enough time with their parents.