Family finances - what is fair?

[LJDJGJFJ]

Why has my husband to be (getting married in July) suddenly said we need to split bills 50/50?

For the last 8 years, no matter what we have earned (for a few years we earned very similar until now), all our money has gone into one pot in our joint account and bills have come from there. We have 2 children together and a mortgage and never had an issue with it.

Since I've said I don't feel what I do for our family is appreciated (never feel like I'm doing enough), he has made the decision to do everything 50/50 including money.

He now earns £60k and is earning more and more each year and I earn £35k and my progression is capped at £40k. Is it fair now 8 years into this to change it to split bills 50/50 rather than wages still going into one pot and taking from there?

He says it's the only way he will start to feel that I appreciate what he does for our bills etc. and that he doesn't feel that I appreciate or realise the money he puts into our family.

Our current split of chores:

• tidying/cleaning/hoovering - both do this but he does do more than me of this
• getting up (still) with 20 month old 2-3 times a night - only me (his body just doesn't wake up to it)
• getting up at 6-6:30am with the kids - usually just me but he does about once every 1-2 weeks on a weekend to give me a lie in.
• washing clothes/putting all clothes away - all me
• getting kids ready to leave of a morning - me and about half of that time he is helping out with me
• driving kids to school/nursery - only him
• dishes - both of us
• tea - usually just me

We both work full time and time to get much done at home is a struggle anyway, especially with a 6 year old and 20 month old.

I just feel very numb and hurt with the sudden decision of splitting all bills 50/50 and stopping putting our earnings into one.

I would greatly appreciate your opinions as I really don't know what to think about it.

There's nothing wrong with feeling unsupported or unappreciated, but your husband is hardly working a minimum wage part time job, sitting around playing Fifa and getting high in his spare time and doing very little to help you. He's working full time, bringing the majority of the money in and does the majority share of keeping on top of the house, as well as helping with the kids where he can.

Sorry to say this but it sounds like you've gotten tunnel visioned feeling a bit sorry for yourself and not appreciating how much he also does. I'm not suggesting he couldn't express his appreciation of what you do more so that you feel he recognises and values your contribution, but I think you've likely upset him equally as much as you now feel upset.

If you really want him to do even more so that you are 50/50 on everything then I don't think it's unreasonable to expect you to contribute equally regarding finances. My partner has always earned more than me (3x my maternity pay) and I still pay 50% as well as doing 80% of the childcare, the house work and cooking for myself and DD.

Who does the mental load?

With us all money goes into one bank account to pay bills, savings, holidays, household costs and anything family related. We then transfer an equal amount to our personal accounts to spend on whatever we want. This is regardless of our salaries.
If you’re a family in a equal relationship why would one of you have more personal money than the other.

I think you are probably feeling underappreciated because you do all the work that involves interrupted and curtailed sleep. That's hard. However, he does seem to be pulling his weight in other household chores.

You need to sit down and have a proper conversation with him. It clearly isn't reasonable for you both to contribute 50:50 for bills when your incomes are wildly different, but I think you have been somewhat unfair to him as well based on what you've written here.

I would not, however, get married unless this is sorted out.

@bluebellaa i think you’re being a bit harsh, for all we know she also works full time.
I would feel as you do oP, you are supposed to be a team and share everything. It would be a red flag for me.

Money doesn't come in to it for us. Hours worked does, we both work full time, so we both chip in at home as fairly as possible (we have a cleaner too which helps)

As it happens I earn just over what your DH does, DH earns just under what you do, and I wouldn't dream of separating our money.

If you pay 50:50 when you’re earning different amounts, totally unfair as one of you has less personal money. Not a sign of a good relationship.

@bluebellaa funny you say about fifa, not fifa but he's currently playing COD in his office room whilst I'm dealing with the tantrums, tidying and cooking tea and that is part of the reason I'm not feeling appreciated when he goes off to do that each day, I don't get any time like that just for me so I am going to feel unappreciated

It sounds like neither of you are feeling appreciated and both are reacting to that. have that conversation to start. What would make each of you feel appreciated in your roles? Does one of you feel you have taken on more of the financial burden or the childcare burden or the domestic task burden that gos ith being a parent? Is one of you working longer hours or having more downtime etc.

Can you afford some couples counselling? I think you both feel under appreciated (this is common when you have very young children) and if you both felt heard and had a bit of ‘active listening’ and problem solving it would do your upcoming marriage a world of good.

If you really want him to do even more so that you are 50/50 on everything then I don't think it's unreasonable to expect you to contribute equally regarding finances.

Na this is bull shit, she's earning a decent wage, the fact he earns more does not earn him the right to do less, I wouldn't DREAM of saying I get to do less just because I earn the lion's share, some people just have different earning potential depending on their career, what matters is the effort and full time at £35k is plenty of effort!

Sounds like you are both going through a phase of not appreciating each other. Resentment is a real marriage killer. Can you see his point of view? Can he see yours? Are you both grateful for what the other does?

Don't make his tea

When my partner takes the piss out of me I just go out. Take the kids out for tea. If he throws a fit just say you assumed he was busy on his game as he never offered to make tea or help with kids

There are a lot of mental loads. The mental load of ensuring a roof, food, clothes, basic needs. The mental load of sufficient money to keep the family happy (wants). The mental load of a stressful job, the mental load of an illness or disability or spouse or child with one, the mental load of extended family, the mental load of upkeep and maintenance of the home / cars etc, the mental load of bills and accounting, the mental load of child related activities, the mental load of shopping and cooking, the mental load of appointments and one offs, the mental load of school related things etc.

Do you work full time too?

If youre acting as a proper team, I think the outcome should always be that you should have equal amounts of disposable income to play with, and an equal amount of free time to enjoy.

The exact split of both money and chores will depend on how many hours you both work, and what each person earns. But the outcome should be equal regardless.

At 35k, I'm assuming you work either full time or almost full time?

So the split of chores should reflect the hours you work. You should each have equal downtime.

@WeWillRockyou I know she works full time, that was stated in the OP. But so does he, and he does a reasonable share of the responsibilities too. I don't really understand what you're getting at.

"Full time" doesn't necessarily describe the hours involved though.

One full time job could include a long commute each way and plenty of overtime. Another full time job might be WFH and have no expectation of overtime. And some full time jobs have contracted hours of 35/wk, some of 40/wk.

We have no idea which of the two works more hours for their job (I include commute as work time).

We both work full time - husband earns a lot more than me. His pension is a lot more than mine so we’ve put money in my name for savings (it’s family money really) but he wanted to ensure fairness. He knows I have taken sacrifices for him to be able to do the job role he has.

All the money in the same pot, I probably do a lot more of the mental load. But he does his fair share of children dropping off , being around to cover days sick, same with household chores. He helped make our children & he lives here too, so he does his fair share. At times yes it’s fallen to me but if he home we do it together.

Same with equal leisure time - his hobbies always second to family time and balanced out.

If it wasn’t like this I wouldn’t stay in a marriage, what’s the point. A lazy selfish man, isn’t an attractive one to me.

It sounds like he is doing a fair share then? And maybe he feels unfairly criticised.

Probably you need to have a proper talk about it.

Sorry - thought nottoday was the OP

I totally understand how you feel OP.

I would feel the same if my husband said this to me.

Ours works like this:

Around 35% of our monthly income goes into our joint account for mortgage/groceries/bills. This way we are contributing equitably as opposed to it being 50/50.

Our split of chores is very similar to yours.

Yes both full time and both feel like there's not enough time in the day for anything

So I'm a teacher and am in the school building from 8am until 6pm, once kids are in bed I have to do more work about 7pm-9/10pm (still not finished what I need for work in that time).

Then straight to bed, up in the night 2-3 times and back up to get kids ready at 6am.

School holidays are the times we have no arguments between us, house is spotless and kids are entertained then as I have the time. During term times it is very tense

It's unclear to me, but your update makes it look like he is not doing 50-50 at the moment.
If you are out of the house for work the same amount of time, then unless his job is way way more stressful/tiring you should both be getting equal 'down' time. The fact you say he has time for COD and you don't get any downtime implies things aren't even.

Is he just making a point, or do you really think he also feels under appreciated?