Family finances - what is fair?

[LJDJGJFJ]

Why has my husband to be (getting married in July) suddenly said we need to split bills 50/50?

For the last 8 years, no matter what we have earned (for a few years we earned very similar until now), all our money has gone into one pot in our joint account and bills have come from there. We have 2 children together and a mortgage and never had an issue with it.

Since I've said I don't feel what I do for our family is appreciated (never feel like I'm doing enough), he has made the decision to do everything 50/50 including money.

He now earns £60k and is earning more and more each year and I earn £35k and my progression is capped at £40k. Is it fair now 8 years into this to change it to split bills 50/50 rather than wages still going into one pot and taking from there?

He says it's the only way he will start to feel that I appreciate what he does for our bills etc. and that he doesn't feel that I appreciate or realise the money he puts into our family.

Our current split of chores:

• tidying/cleaning/hoovering - both do this but he does do more than me of this
• getting up (still) with 20 month old 2-3 times a night - only me (his body just doesn't wake up to it)
• getting up at 6-6:30am with the kids - usually just me but he does about once every 1-2 weeks on a weekend to give me a lie in.
• washing clothes/putting all clothes away - all me
• getting kids ready to leave of a morning - me and about half of that time he is helping out with me
• driving kids to school/nursery - only him
• dishes - both of us
• tea - usually just me

We both work full time and time to get much done at home is a struggle anyway, especially with a 6 year old and 20 month old.

I just feel very numb and hurt with the sudden decision of splitting all bills 50/50 and stopping putting our earnings into one.

I would greatly appreciate your opinions as I really don't know what to think about it.

Nice to see a fellow teacher! All my colleagues are feeling the same, we don't time any clubs at all but the paper work, planning and marking are extensive. Currently going through planning a whole new curriculum and having to plan everything from scratch. School has a focus on writing so English lead is also monitoring all planning and marking. So much that because they didn't like mine and my teams initial plan, we had to replan the whole unit before the next day! It's horrendous at the moment. Learning walks and book scrutinies every couple of weeks at minimum at the moment it seems too!

Surely as an accountant he can see his idea doesn't add up. He earns about 40% more than you but expects an even split of bills, to be fair it should be 63/37 % split (maths not exact)

I think you should not marry this man.

Op would be charging him for half. He may still end up better off.

Then what, he charges her half the cost of a cleaner when he is doing most of the tidying. Charges her half for what a childminder would get for the time it takes to do the school/childcare runs twice a day?

I don’t see how this is is productive and would make op feel worse about it being so transactional.

1. salary does not equate to how hard you work. Some people have special talents, some people made good decisions when younger, some people turn down high paying jobs to do a social good. So his salary thing is not fair. He is using the salary as an excuse to do less at home. If he actually did worry about the financial burden he would be working with you on a plan to change job or go for promotion (it is more tax efficient for you to get a raise than him as he is already on higher bracket) - btw not saying you should change job, just saying that he using it as an excuse.

2. does he appreciate how little sleep you get and what your body went through in pregnancy? There are long term changes as well as morning sickness, mastitis etc.

He is being unfair - probably in the hope that you'll stop asking him to do a fair share of the nights. "Body doesn't hear it." Riiiight.

So since women joined the teaching workforce in large numbers wages have fallen in real terms. This has happened to most industries that have become female dominated. Watch out, accountants.

Are any of your DC female? I don't find this a great attitude in a dad, tbh, punishing their partner for expecting equality within the home.

Some jobs pay less than others and it's generally not because the people who do them work less hours or less hard.

As an accountant presumably he's run the numbers on what your job saves the family during the 13 weeks of school holiday?

And please stop spending most of your school holidays cleaning. You are doing what, 60 hour weeks in termtime on very little sleep? I salute you!

@Bellalalala why charge half when he's the one who needs the childcare so he can go to work, she's off? He's punishing her saying she has to do more at home for earning less or gets to keep less, if he wants extra holidays for cheaper childcare he should get a teaching job? But yeah that's the point isn't it, it's bullshit, they're a team, the money they earn is for the family, not themselves individually.

No because if all costs are 50:50, it’s 50:50. Op could choose to put them in holiday childcare and pay 50:50. If she choose to have them at home, she could charge 50%. Or he could come back with ‘that’s fine, put them in childcare instead of having them at home and you pay 50%’

Regardless of wether she is at work or not, the kids are still 50% her responsibility, in a world where everything is split 50:50. So she would be charging half.

To be clear, I think he is wrong. He has reacted defensively.

But I think the whole ‘charge him for childcare’ rarely makes sense and would leave people in a worst position.

And if he gets a teaching job, what happens while he is training and not getting paid much for the first few years? Who is dropping the kids off at childcare?

That’s not making the Op better off.

@Bellalalala you're taking me very literally, it was a facetious comment to a ridiculous situation, not a serious recommendation, my point is, if she's not allowed to benefit from his extra salary, why should he benefit from her extra holidays?

OP- I think the only thing you can do to show him how much you do is to run with his suggestion of 50:50- including the wake ups. Each take turns- ie you do every other night. Then see how fast he changes his mind.

In his defence- I'm like him (unusual I know as I'm the female) in that I no longer do wake ups. I use to but in my head I've done my time so he now does them. (I'm expecting my 3rd so I'll be back to night time wakings again).

All other chores 50:50 including school runs, dinner, washing, homework, etc...but that does also mean 50:50 in the money too.

I do think that if you contribute more money (due to higher paying job) that does unfortunately mean some priority needs to go towards that person due to making sure the mental load of bringing in the money is sustainable, especially if you are reliant on that wage. The other option is he decreases his hours and everything is equal; money and chores and pressures of life as you are all contributing equally although lifestyle may change. Pros and cons.

But hope it all resolved in your favour.

Awww I feel for you and think he's been unfair in saying 50/50 split of finances. I also know how hard it is to function on broken sleep - especially being a full time teacher. FWIW, I'm a teacher too and my husband WFH taking home nearly double my salary (M3) and we split the bills fairly. He pays the mortgage etc and I pay for gas/electric.
Workload is also crazy at my school - I definitely do the same amount of hours once the boys are in bed and it's exhausting!

And I agree. His suggestion is ridiculous.

I simply don’t find the ‘charge him for childcare’ ever actually helps the Op.

You posted. I disagreed with it. That’s all that happened.

is the expectation that during school holidays you do all childcare and housework?
surely a proper 50-50 split would mean that each of you needs to cover half of the school holidays. Which would mean that your partner would have to perhaps pay to outsource some of the weeks that he can't cover. Am assuming school holidays are 13 weeks and he doesn't get 6.5 weeks annual leave per year but maybe he does. You then get 6.5 weeks where you do your half of housework and all childcare and he does the same. It does also mean you'll get 6.5 weeks where you do no childcare at all but presumably still do half of the housework.
A real 50-50 split doesn't sound like it will result in a happy relationship but worth sitting down to plan and implement if that's what he wants.

You posted. I disagreed with it. That’s all that happened

No, you didn't read a social cue is what happened, obviously you don't actually charge your spouse because that is stupid...sarcasm highlighting the stupidity of the situation.

Whose idea was it to have children? Whose idea was it to get married?

Do you think he could be looking for a way to piss you off so you’ll break off the engagement?

@LJDJGJFJ

While I totally get your feeling upset about his response I imagine he's said it on the defensive because he maybe feels unappreciated aswell

It's hard when both parents work full time and have young dc.

It does get easier as they get older but in the meantime you both need to come together and come up with a way that means you both feel more appreciated

It sounds like you have a massive workload.

Is there anyway you can lower your hours while the dc are so young or outsource the jobs that take the time.

I used to take the household bedding and towels to the launderette every week for a service wash.
It actually works out cheaper than having to do so many loads of washing and drying yourself at home and the time it takes is Minimal as your dropping it off and picking it up.

Could you get a cleaner? Someone to cut the grass/hedges every now and then?

With both of you working flat out with young dc something has to give,especially when your up in the night still

And once a fortnight set aside an evening where you go out for a walk or a drink and snack alone to get some head space

I used to walk early in the morning. A couple of times a week with air pods and good pod casts.

Wow! Do you wonder why that might be? Can you possibly think of a reason someone may miss a social clue, especially when just reading text?

Maybe I did miss it. But I don’t think so because you first reply was to argue your point that he would be responsible for 100% of childcare’s costs during the holidays. Not to point out you were being funny or sarcastic.

Starting point should be equal free time and equal spending money… and equal sleep. Currently it sounds like he has more free time and sleep.

You had a moan. You are tired. You have a big work load. Just because his job pays better doesn't mean he is working harder than you! A normal response from a loving partner would be to discuss, sympathise, find a way to compromise. He is being a twat with his playing financial hardball. If my dh suggested that I should do more as he earns more, he would get short shrift. You are a family. The money is family money and you all do your bit as much as you are able to keep the home running smoothly. If one of you is having a hard time then the other partner steps up to be supportive.

I think this is unfair. You're working really hard and have to physically be in work. He needs to support that (even if in his eyes your job isn't as financially valuable as his). You're massively busy and overstretched and he's basically saying you still need to do more as you don't earn what he does.

I agree. He's really unreasonable.

Work is measure in hours spent, not the rate you earn. He doesn't get to do less around the house just because he earns more, when you are working at least as many hours as him (sounds like more).

You are in a risky position on a lowish salary if you were a single parent. Your husband will easily get 50/50 of children in split. I'm sorry to be so absolutely brutal but you need to look at your position properly. The resolution he is presenting is what your life will be like separated. You need to gather yourself together and work out how you can move forward. He has pointed out a key fundamental your lifestyle is contingent on his ability, you come across so well! I think you could go so far maybe look to how you take your obvious intellect and make your life more directly under your control.

@Wasityoubecayse zombie thread

You earn 36.8% of the households income, so you should pay 36.8% off the household expenditure.

Me and partner worked out all bills, groceries, kids activities & clothes etc, nursery fees and a small extra contingency and both pay a standing order into joint account, proportional to our earnings. Holidays we generally go 50/50.

Atm we're not spending as much as is going in, so it's growing. Which means it's also covering fuel for our campervan, campsites and bigger unbudgeted days out too