Family finances - what is fair?

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Why has my husband to be (getting married in July) suddenly said we need to split bills 50/50?

For the last 8 years, no matter what we have earned (for a few years we earned very similar until now), all our money has gone into one pot in our joint account and bills have come from there. We have 2 children together and a mortgage and never had an issue with it.

Since I've said I don't feel what I do for our family is appreciated (never feel like I'm doing enough), he has made the decision to do everything 50/50 including money.

He now earns £60k and is earning more and more each year and I earn £35k and my progression is capped at £40k. Is it fair now 8 years into this to change it to split bills 50/50 rather than wages still going into one pot and taking from there?

He says it's the only way he will start to feel that I appreciate what he does for our bills etc. and that he doesn't feel that I appreciate or realise the money he puts into our family.

Our current split of chores:

• tidying/cleaning/hoovering - both do this but he does do more than me of this
• getting up (still) with 20 month old 2-3 times a night - only me (his body just doesn't wake up to it)
• getting up at 6-6:30am with the kids - usually just me but he does about once every 1-2 weeks on a weekend to give me a lie in.
• washing clothes/putting all clothes away - all me
• getting kids ready to leave of a morning - me and about half of that time he is helping out with me
• driving kids to school/nursery - only him
• dishes - both of us
• tea - usually just me

We both work full time and time to get much done at home is a struggle anyway, especially with a 6 year old and 20 month old.

I just feel very numb and hurt with the sudden decision of splitting all bills 50/50 and stopping putting our earnings into one.

I would greatly appreciate your opinions as I really don't know what to think about it.

x-post. In term time he needs to do more.

She clearly says in her OP that she works full time. I think your DH is being ridiculous. He obviously thinks his job is far more important than yours as he is paid more and that home/childcare tasks are yours, despite both having the same amount in of time away from work. I’d be livid if DH was locked away playing computer games leaving me with the 2 DC on the weekend. I don’t think you are being unreasonable at all OP. Finances should stay as they are and he should do more domestically.

All money should be joint. There should be no 50:50. You are a family unit. I think Bluebellaa’s advice is dreadful.

He works from home half the week and 30 minute drive other half of week. I work a 5 minute walk away.

He's a chartered accountant and I'm a teacher.

Once his laptop closes, his evening is generally free. I have to keep working 7-9pm once kids are in bed, during this time he usually goes on Xbox with his friends which I'm fine with as it makes it easier for me to keep doing my work without distraction x

My husband works full time as a teacher, 6 day weeks. I'm on mat leave just now but would normally work 3 days a week. He earns approx 48k and I earn £37k pro rata to 3 days. with finances, we put a proportional amount into a joint account for all joint stuff - bills, mortgage, cars, childcare, etc. I think its about 80%, we keep the other 20% for ourselves to do whatever with.

In term time, it's hard. I do loads at home, the majority by far. but he will do a couple of jobs in the morning before he leaves at 5/6am. then helps with tea, tidying, dishes, bath and bedtime when he gets back at 6/7pm. He commutes by bike and takes a longer route in the morning as his "down" time. I dont get much alone down time but our toddler goes to a childminder even though I'm on mat leave and baby will sleep in the carrier (on my back) so I can do my sewing projects or gardening etc. in the school holidays, I do get quite a lot of time entirely to myself, the house is tidy, everyone is happy! when I'm at work, I wfh and childminder is a 5 minute drive away so I don't really have a commute. my lunch break is my downtime and I will get odd bits of housework done in the daytime.

Can you get a babysitter and go out for an evening and discuss this ?
He is being horribly unfair and he probably knows it, but you seem so coherent and fair on paper here that I feel if you can't resolve it, then it's hard to see a future for you together.

Add to my last post - school holidays are much easier and I do a lot more house work during that time, house is spotless during school holidays as I have more time then

I think the problem is that you are both busy. You have young kids and it’s hard. For a good few years it’s just really really hard. I think neither of you feel appreciated for the effort you are putting in and maybe the household stuff needs balancing out.

He, likely, has a fairly stressful job with the money is on. I am the main wage earner, I do less at home as I work more hours. I do appreciate what dp does, but often feel it’s just a given that I am happy contributing more (financially) and chose to pursue my career so it’s not appreciated. Almost like as I chose to pursue a career, the benefit I bring in that area, doesn’t count. Doesn’t matter how stressful my job is, I chose it so any benefit to the family doesn’t need appreciating.

I see it on a lot of my friends relationships too.

You have a stressful job and are working hard too. But to hear ‘I am not appreciated’ is difficult if you feel unappreciated too. I can imagine he is pissed off to be told you don’t appreciate him when he also feels the same. I don’t agree with how he is dealing with it. Though I am guessing he is in the ‘taking his bat and ball home’ stage of being annoyed.

But what did you say before that? The context of what he said about splitting it 50:50, will decide how stupid I think his reaction was.

What we are getting at is, you're saying that if one half of the couple is earning less, with the same working hours, then she should do more housework for the less amount of money she brings home - even though she has just as much free time as he - do you think that's fair in a relationship? What you're describing sounds much more transactional...

Don't marry a man with this attitude who plays COD. Nothing good will come of it.

does the majority share of keeping on top of the house, as well as helping with the kids where he can.

@bluebellaa Did you actually read what she wrote? How is he helping with the kids where he can when he doesn't get up at all at night and only 1 in 14 days in the morning?

They’re already married.

So 50/50 is not a fair split as it gives him a greater proportion of wages as disposable income.
Either it's 1 pot or done on a ratio of income which for 60k vs 35k (going on takehome pay) would be around the 65/35 ratio so he would be paying the greater number

This is what we do with a wages disparity all joint household bills comes our of that and we review every 3 months to see if we need to increase the amount going in.
We do this because I can't stand the way my DH spends on things and he thinks I save too much money so it's a good compromise.

It soes sound like you have more serious conversations to have though about him also pulling his weight around the house and doing his fair share!

So he's basically said if we want everything at home to be 50/50 we will make rotas, switch who gets up with kids equally etc. but that then means that the money has to turn into 50/50.

I personally don't feel money should be brought into it as we are a family unit and my upset is over the time and mental efforts not being 50/50 ie - lack of sleep I get is my main upset as I feel like I'm absolutely breaking x

Looking after small children is the most draining part of work you can do at home, and even more so if there are night wakings. It's constant, there are breaks, but you need to do it more or less constantly.
It's great that he's taking part in house work, but he should not just "help" with childcare, he should share it with OP.
And splitting finances 50/50 so that OP can appreciate the money he takes home - Wow. It's just mean, considering they had money pool for 8 years.

I'm not sure why your salary is capped at £40K. Plenty of teachers work in promoted posts both full time and part time.

I can understand why you're feeling knackered and underappreciated. It's the lack of sleep blocks and lack of down time, more than the chores. You tried to raise this, it went wrong, and now he's being petty. Of course he shouldn't have so much more money than you. You're a family. What would he do with all the extra spending money he has, go on holiday on his own?! The issue now is how you de-escalate and explain your point so that he understands. Can you leave things a day or so, as time usually helps? Would writing an email / message / letter help? So you can think about what you want to say and he can't react back?

Well that does sound fair as long as he gets up through the nights on his turn.

50/50 money split is only far if going on maternity didn’t cause any downturn on your career

I think your DP is being unreasonable, but also that part of the prob,E. Is your workload. It sounds like your school’s workload and expectations of how much you should be working is too high. Presumably your contracted hours are 8:30 - 4:30 so if you’re working 8-6 you’re already doing an extra 2 hours work each day, you shouldn’t need to do another 2 hours in the evening as standard. I’m a teacher and also work 8-6 but I rarely take my laptop home in the evening outside of very busy periods (eg: report writing, assessment deadlines etc). Teachers are entitled to a work-life balance and you shouldn’t have to be picking up 2+ hours of extra work at home on top of a 10 hour day as standard, teacher wellbeing and workload is one of the things ofsted will look at during an inspection.

Are you working efficiently between 3-6 after school (outside of meetings or any clubs you run) or are you faffing around? I found I used to spend a lot of that after school time chatting to colleagues and doing unimportant tidying tasks etc and wouldn’t really use it to cut into my workload so I’d still have more work to do in the evenings. If that’s the case could you try and leave work on time at 4:30 and then work at home where you can be more efficient? Or plan your after school time so that you are using it efficiently and not wasting time.

If you are already doing that then I think you need to speak to your line manager about workload because it’s unreasonable to have 4+ hours of additional work every evening. Your family life and relationship really shouldn’t be suffering at the expense of your workload.

And I get that. Money and household input shouldn’t be connected.

But that’s what he has to come back with. I Understand why you feel the way you do. But often these conversations aren’t easy. People often get defensive instead of collaborative. especially if they are already feel unappreciated.

As I said, you need address the balance of the work at home. But I think when 2 people are really busy with young kids it’s easy to forget eachother. We can often get wrapped up in how busy we are, how stressed we are, the things we take on that the other does (his being his work) and often forget the other may be feeling similar. But for different reasons.

I think you both need to take some time out. Talk about it when you are both calmer and try and sort it a way that’s not based around ‘You make me feel bad’.

All money in same pot, with equal amounts of fun money each into your personal accounts.
Remind him that if you were not a teacher, then holiday child care would add significantly to the household bills.

@helpfulperson because teacher main pale scale outside of London ends at just shy of £39,000. To get to upper pay scale you often have to create a case of how you have gone ‘above and beyond’ and take on TLR/extra responsibilities/have extensive experience which op may be unable to commit to with young children.

OP, I would also be unhappy with the night wakings and early mornings not being split and would not want to split money 50/50. Sit down and discuss your feelings and make it clear you are happy to contribute proportionally but a key reason to you feeling run down and undervalued is broken sleep which he must step up and help with.

Only if I go to senior leadership I will go over 40k which we have both agreed is not something that would be beneficial to our family (while the children are young at least) due to work load and work commitments. Therefore next year when I am on teacher main pay scale 6 I will only get pay increases when government give pay rises, not through promotions as o will be at the top of my pay ladder

Start charging him for childcare during the school holidays and see how much he wants to do 50/50 finances then.

Has he suggested 50:50 time with the children too? That means through the night wakenings and half the school holidays, of course, as a minimum.