Can't cope 4 year sleep issues

[Woofins]

Hi all, really struggling with sleep deprivation to the point that I'm feeling quiet depressed. Have an almost 4 year old who wakes several times at night and won't settle unless one of us stays in the room on the floor. She shouts and cries loudly until we appear and if we leave she does it again. Last night I went in 4 times and got about 2 hours sleep in total. It's always been like this more or less. We tried cry it out a few times but she just screams. We have next door neighbours and I can hear them get up when she wakes.
I got pretty frustrated with her last night and shouted at her told her it's not fair on us, we need our rest etc.
I just can't see a way out of this night time is hell. I have talked to her about it during the day, we try reward systems, gentle parenting, strict parenting nothing seems to work. She seems unable to sooth herself back to sleep. Bedtime routine is established but we need to stay until she's asleep or she loses it all together.
We both work full time and are just wrecked.

Sounds horrendous, sleep deprivation is used as torture for a reason!

You don't mention cosleeping. Have you tried that? Personally I would do whatever it takes to get enough sleep for myself and if dc needed to sleep in my bed I would allow it. No safety risks at 4 years old.

You and DP take turns in spare room/ dc room while the other lets her in your bed with them? Alternate nights?

This is tough. At 4 I think she should understand that it's not fair on the rest of the household. Have you tried a gro clock? My 3.5 year old knows she can't leave her bedroom until the clock is yellow. I sit with her for 1 minute only before bed and she knows she can ask for that but anything longer is a flat no. We have done this for years though so she's used to it and doesn't protest.

Lack of sleep is so hard though. Iv got a 4 month old too and am not looking forward to all this messing around to come 🤣

Put a mattress on the floor in her room? She'll grow out of it eventually and everyone gets more sleep.

No way should you be sleeping on the floor of a 4yr olds room or co sleeping. She’s old enough to understand you don’t scream down a house at night.
My advice is nightlight, and almost sleep train like a baby- when she wakes go in and repeat a phrase like “back to bed” and lay her down again. Repeat repeat repeat/ no further engaging.
If this doesn’t work after a Significant period of time; I’d question a medical issue. No 4year old can function waking throughout the night.

Mine occasionally carries on like this. I find the main thing that makes a difference is if he wake I make him get up, go to the toilet, wash his hands, have a drink of water etc to cover all bases every time he screams. He doesn't get to just lie there screaming every few min and stay in his warm bed screeching whilst we get more and more ground down coming in to serve him (can you tell from m tone that last night was me of those?)

He does go to sleep by himself with audiobook at bedtime so I can offer that once he is back in bed although he never wants it

In extreme cases I've snapped and said if he didn't shut up he'd be put downstairs on his own in the dark. That worked once I started carrying him towards the stairs (!). Felt bad but we have other children and both work so it's not an option to have someone screaming every hour or two all night and just allow it. At four he can understand, he's not a baby.

Btw the downstairs thing is a natural consequence ina way, he needs to be moved away from the people he is waking

Our current 8 year old is/was like this. We had a mattress on the floor to help cope with the wake ups and just ended up sleeping in the room with him when he woke. After much heartache and many Dr's appointments we finally discovered last year that he has a very severe dust allergy which was causing him to wake with a very blocked nose. These days he sleeps through the night much better, but he still won't go to sleep unless one of us lies next to him on the mattress, which is still in his room!

Has she been taught how to soothe herself back to sleep? I’d start there if not.

Others may have other advice to show she has an actual issue

But generally at that age I would assume it is attention seeking, the more we would get involved the more our child would expect us to run around like monkeys

I would have to admit the screaming would get my child told off big time

If there is no medical issue and every thing else is ruled out no way would one of us be sleeping in the same room as them at 4

The thing that stood out for me is you both work FT.

I imagine she is seeking connection and just misses you. You and DH get to sleep together, she is alone. Doesn't make sense really.

@lovelilies kick a person while they are down why don't you?!

It’s a bad habit, it’s not that she needs to sleep with you both.

Hi all thanks for the replies. Yes we do have a small cot type mattress on the floor which is ok to sleep on but not great her room is small so wouldn't fit anything bigger.
I get that she misses us and we make a really great effort to spend quality time with her. We actually sleep separate with one of us "on duty" in the small room beside hers.
We do have a grow clock but she knows how to make it day time so it's not really worked for us.
I think she can't self sooth how do we help sort that?
It also resonates about the shouting she will try and order us about shout, tantrum etc during the day. We do tell her off and don't give into every demand but it can be tough. She's sweet and strong willed but we are at a point where we need to sort it.

@MotherOfCrocodiles not my intention at all, little kids want connection. Not saying give up work obviously, but try bedsharing/ co-sleeping and see if that helps.
Nothing to lose