Disappointed in Grandparents

[shala]

Hi, this is my first time here! I've got 2 boys aged 14 mths and 5 yrs I'm really gutted about the lack of help I've received from Gparents. My mum lives 2 hours away and is always saying she will come down to see us (she has a holiday flat here!), but she never ends up coming - is either too busy or on holiday. My P's in law live 5 mins away and have my 5 yr old after school for tea once a week (ie, an hour or so).
I know they're my children and I have no right to expect any help, but I'm so knackered, keep getting ill and would love a break,even if just a couple of hours. DH works full time, but he is great when here.
I love my children, but bloody hell it's knackering and I feel really let down that the Gparents don't willingly help. This is made worse by the fact that EVERYONE else I know has tons of help from very willing Gparents.
Am I alone in feeling resentful? Want to be a good person but am feeling increasingly bitter!!!

Some people may have certain 'expectations' and expect GPs to take an active role in their GCs lives but many here don't and are simply saddened by their parent's total disinterestedness, and would agree that losing out on a relationship with their GPs leaves quite a void in their LOs young lives.
You may not believe it, but some GPs simply don't give a damn, and it's therefore difficult to appreciate the small things when there is nothing.

What would you say is appropriate input from a GP?
Contact? Visits? Play? The building of a loving relationship through time spent? Isn't that reasonable behaviour and cannot these things be part of and enrich an independent lifestyle of a GP/putting themselves first?
Accepting totally that daily care and parenting is not the role of a GP - and how many people expect this?? - how far in the other direction of GPting at a distance would you find acceptable? Is not desiring any meaningful interaction with your GC a general reaction?
I'm confused, but I still loathe my 'parents'.

Joash

I read your response with much interest and am glad to read that you stepped up to the plate with regards to your own grandson. I would think that if you hadn't done what you did he would have been lost to the "care" system or adopted out.

You have stated that you did not want to be a regular babysitter (fair enough, my mother did not want this either and stated as much long before I became a parent). This is fair enough for my Mum to say that too and she did - but (here's the rub) there's a world of difference between not wanting to do that and not showing ANY real interest in any grandchild/ren whatsoever as many of these peoples' own parents have. These people are not complaining about not being bailed out financially etc, these people are wondering why their own parents are not interested in their own grandkids. It is hard to comprehend a lack of interest from grandparents when it has not been experienced first hand.

There is an unwritten assumption that parents, when they become grandparents, will show some degree of interest re their grandchild. The new parents are not necessarily expecting daily care, they just want the occasional visit and for them thus to be involved in such a manner.

Some grandparents do not want to put in any involvement with regards to their grandchildren and do not want any emotional involvement in their lives in any way shape or form. They are not interested full stop. I put my own parents into the disinterested/unsupportive category. My Mother in particular feels more at ease cleaning my Brother's empty house in my hometown whilst he is at work.

I never wanted daily care or even daily visits; I just wanted them to show some interest in my son. This has not happened. I have come to accept this but I do sometimes feel wistful particularly when I see grandparents out for the day with their grandchildren, buying them treats or spending time with them in the park. My parents would never do that (and there's been no row about this, I find it too painful to discuss it now) and besides which previous comments regarding them visiting more (done in nice and calm non confrontational way I might add) have fallen on deaf ears).

"I can't understand why there seems to be a general expectation that even once we are adults - we still expect our parents to treat us like their 'little-girls' and bail us out rather than finding our own solutions".

Hmmm well I've never had to be bailed out by my Mum and Dad (infact its been the other way around on occasion!!). I went to work full time when I was 18 and helped out with the finances.

Finding your own solutions takes time, a Mum to a newborn or very young child can feel at times isolated enough as it is without disinterested grandparents as well to contend with.

Still upsets me greatly.
Welcome. There are many threads about this.
And I am really sorry, but juules comment grates me even more.
Yes I think grandparents should be left tin peace to do what they want when they want. But I always assumed that they would WANT to be a big part of my childrens lives. THATS WHAT HURTS. I assume that people can do both.
And I don't expect them to be a nursery/cm equivalent, unpaid. But even an day a year, or an hour here and there would be nice. I get zilch, nothing, f**k all.

Joash, I was not talking about you. For a start, from your age, you are not a baby boomer, which is a very specific group obviously slightly older (or more) than you. In addition I was making a comment about a general trend in grandparenting which covers a great deal of people. There are always exceptions to general trends.
As for our selfish old baby boomers, the generation who have had it so good that they never want to die, maybe our little ones are too much of a reminder of (a) their age and (b) they really aren't going to live forever.

Anyway, the sub group that has a real right to be offended are those gp's who have been cut out of their gc's lives by bitter divorces, which I suppose is a whole other thread.

Hi Shala,

I have a friend here who was in a similar situation to you. She and her husband announced they had decided to move to France to live. Suddenly both sets of parents were falling overthemselves to help them out with the kids and visiting them.

Maybe you could pretend that you are thinking of relocating somewhere. They might stop taking you and your family for granted.

Hi, I'm new to mumsnet so please excuse me if I'm hijacking this thread. I am a first time Mama to a beautiful almost 7 month old baby boy. Me and DH are struggling with the fact we have 3 recently estranged grandparents out of the 4 and 1 estranged Uncle out of 2.

My DH's parents were very unhelpful and saw our baby once when he was 2 weeks old and haven't seen him since nor have they asked to see him. My DH's only brother has not came to see his nephew once and is yet to meet him and he has not been in contact. DH fell out with his Dad and his Dad sent a text message so easily severing the relationship and both him and my mother in law have not made attempt to contact since. It breaks my heart that they haven't once contacted me to ask to see their grandchild (they have only seen him once.)

Since that time my own Mother has estranged herself. Me and her have always had a strained relationship as she had narcissistic tendencies and I have struggled to deal with her behaviour over the years. I have always tried though to get the love and support from her that she has never have; I have cried out for this all my life constantly striving to please her and live up to her oh so high expectations as nothing I do is ever enough for her. It seems she expects people to bend over backwards for her yet gives nothing in return. I would like to think we had been getting on a little better right up until I became pregnant with her first and only grandchild. She had not supported me in anyway through my pregnancy not the way mothers should in any shape or form. When I was in my early crucial stages of pregnancy she would think nothing of stressing me out with her minor health ailments and trips to A & E telling me she had cancer when it only ended up being a minor bowel issue. She would think nothing of calling me up late at night expecting me and DH to drive all way across town to pick her up whilst I was pregnant and we both had work early next day from said a and e after all of the saga (no thought for anybody else.) She lives ten minute taxi ride away and isn't short of cash. She also had a nother hospital episode a few weeks back and again was found to to have minor bowel condition despite her again saying she had cancer and wanting me to bring our baby into hospital at the end of visiting hours (daytime wasn't good enough for her) with no regard for him picking anything up and germs and no regard for his bedtime with an hours notice when we live over an hour away from the hospital. She was 'dying' yet eating birthday cake and gallivanting around the hospital and leaving the grounds and going to the park. She in my opinion was taking a hospital bed up somebody else could have had as she was an outpatient and forcefully admitted herself! Also my mother expected me and DH to come pick her up at exact time of her choosing and take her home for a cup of tea so she could get more clothes then take her back to hospital and drive all way back again across town in traffic with our baby back and forwards (us picking her clothes up and taking then to her wasn't good enough.) As if this isn't bad enough she had no regard for our son and her fragile mental state and would think nothing over sitting crying in front of him and him picking up on her stress.

We fell out because of her unnecessary demands she was placing on me (basically if you don't dance to her tune she spits her dummy out like a child.) I told her I am a mother now and my son comes first (I cannot adhere to her unnecessary demands anymore). My mother is an attention seeker and does not show love or support to others. She has never made the effort to come over herself to see myself or her grandson or invited us over to her place and seen him a handful of times since he was born (all of the times she has seen him I have arranged.) She has been lying to everything saying that since I because pregnant I have distanced myself which is not true and she has also been lying saying I havent wanted her to come over. She has only said those things in defence to others asking why she doesn't see her grandchild much. My mother cares very much in what others think and likes to look good to them even if she has to twist the truth and make stories up. She really isn't bothered as if she was she would have supported me and have seen her grandchild ( she has passed where I live many times but had no interest in stopping by.) To cut a long story short things escalated and my mother severed the relationship just like that; she cannot take any form of criticism yet can dish it out to everybody else. This was acouple weeks ago and she hasn't been back in touch and hasn't asked to see her grand child (she hadn't seen him in months now.) I don't know what to do and how to cope with all of this? My dad is very loving and supportive where he can be but suffers from mental health problems and due to that cannot do alot but his love means the world to me. He is divorced from my Mam ( they were still friends but she has also recently servered all ties to him again over sheer pettiness.) I have an extremely great relationship with DH and we love our baby to bits but find it difficult and utterly heart breaking that our son will grow up with one uncle (my brother), one granddad (my dad) and no other relatives, no cousins, nobody else. Possibly he may have a brother or sister if we decide to have a second in the not too distant future. Also I get upset when I see big happy families and mothers and daughters who are like best friends with loads of people buzzing around new parents as for me and my DH it has been very lonely with no support. We have done everything ourselves and entirely on our own. I am so angry at all of them and still in sheer disbelief. The time in my life I needed them the most and they do this now. Me and my other half have pandered to these people for years and the minute we need support they severe ties! Where do we go from here? Comments would be much appreciated. Thank you,

This is an ancient thread - you need to start your own to get replies. Just cut and paste what youve written here.

Sorry forgot to add that our son is the first and only grandchild/nephew on both sides which makes their behaviour even more odd. Thank you.

My dad has never met my son. My mum is very good and adores him but is fairly far away (1hr an a half by car). My in-laws like I've very near but have never offered to babysit an I would never ask. Me an my husband have never been out at all as a couple since DS was born 15 months ago. My husband goes out whenever he wants to do social stuff, an I went out for three hours for a meal with friends once.

Hi Violet1988 thank you for your message. That's similar to me and DH. We've had a 3 hour date night which ended up being one big rush and not worth the hassle of getting childcare (long story) since little one was born 7 month ago and DS was about 10 weeks old at the time. I've been by his side ever since apart from odd mandatory appointment and even then he's usually with me if can be unless dentist where he can't be. I love my little man being by my side and wouldn't have it any other way but having a small break every now and then he healthy and is hard when you don't get one. We have no child care now either. I hope your husband returns he favour and let's you go out and he stays home and watches the little one!

PIL 300 miles away and my parents 10,000 miles away so no help. Not much interest from either side with honourable exception of FIL. You are not alone!

Awww thanks Lissette it's good to hear I'm not the only one (may end up with a complex otherwise!😬) thanks, sometimes I wish certain relatives would live hundreds of miles away so me and DH don't stress about bumping into them or them seeing our son by accident as they don't disturb that privilege!

Disturb* 😃

Deserve* haha I should start a thread on predictive trials and tribulations of predicative texting on an I phone!!

Initially I was upset when they moved down under surf. But it has proved to be a blessing in disguise because they really don't get on and their behaviour is challenging at the best of times. I've built my own 'family' where I live now. Not much break in terms of childcare but I have people I can call on in an emergency.

It gets better as the kids get older!

we've 3 estranged grandparents but two estranged aunts! If we don't insert boundaries we get bullied.

I also feel a pang when I see happy extended families out for dinner and such like. x

Thank you so much for your comments Lissette, it's is extremely helpful to hear from somebody in a similar situation to myself minus the down under part. Although a lot of the time I wish my estranged relatives were further away as it would lessen some of the 'are we going to bump into them today?' anxiety! I hear you with the not much child care, we are having the same issue. A break would be nice sometimes but I love my baby boy and I am honoured to have him as my son and really cannot complain. I imagine it will be a lot harder with more children however and it will certainly be a challenge if we decide to extend our family in the future. He is the best think i have ever done and I cannot imagine what goes through our parents heads when they behave the way they do. My mother had a total disregard for other people's boundaries and completely ignored and disrespected my life; it was all about her. I guess it all just makes us stronger in the end and certainly a lot more resilient! The 'it takes a village to raise a baby' comment is seriously out of date but sometime a few extra hands or even just basic emotional support/advice/understanding would be nice! Like yourself it pains me to see large happy families but only because I'm so envious of them and it makes my stomach churn and conjures up negative feelings for me.

OP, although parents share lots of memes on social media about being tired, it is NOT actually normal for anyone to be as constantly tired as you sound in your OP. Have you mentioned how you feel to your gp?

tinseltwins OP post is from 2008.

PIL live an hour away and next door to SIL so her and my nephews always take priority.
My DM lived ten minutes away, was retired, drove and in good health. Never ever had them overnight (teenagers now) and only ever babysat (rarely) when asked. Never offered. Could go a 5-6 weeks without seeing her. We could have bought significant property with what we have spent on childcare over the years.

Cptart I hear you. They're certainly not grandparents you see in the movies baking cookies with the grandkids are they!