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Original poster

Disappointed in Grandparents

103 replies

shala · 06/02/2008 14:37

Hi, this is my first time here! I've got 2 boys aged 14 mths and 5 yrs I'm really gutted about the lack of help I've received from Gparents. My mum lives 2 hours away and is always saying she will come down to see us (she has a holiday flat here!), but she never ends up coming - is either too busy or on holiday. My P's in law live 5 mins away and have my 5 yr old after school for tea once a week (ie, an hour or so).
I know they're my children and I have no right to expect any help, but I'm so knackered, keep getting ill and would love a break,even if just a couple of hours. DH works full time, but he is great when here.
I love my children, but bloody hell it's knackering and I feel really let down that the Gparents don't willingly help. This is made worse by the fact that EVERYONE else I know has tons of help from very willing Gparents.
Am I alone in feeling resentful? Want to be a good person but am feeling increasingly bitter!!!

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BalletMum · 15/02/2008 14:17

My parents are the same. But they have the excuse that they are busy being parents to my younger (much younger) sister who is 17. They are so wrapped up in her life that they don't even think about us and they only live half a mile away. My main problem is that even when I do ask them to babysit they will not commit. It is almost as if they are happy to have the children unless something better comes along. They have let us down countless times at the last minute for some excuse. My dh can't understand why I keep asking them and then am so surprised when it doesn't work out. I guess I keep hoping they will change!!! It makes me sad that my children aren't at all excited when they see their gp. I used to love mine soo much - incidentally they helped my parents all the time!!!

sweetkitty · 15/02/2008 14:44

I had a homebirth with DD2 in part because there was no one to look after DD1, I was booked in for an induction Saturday morning and the whole week before was stressing and crying as it meant that DP would drop me off then leave me to it as he had to go and look after DD1, my parents knew this and still wouldn't offer to come and babysit.

I suppose in a way I do cut off my nose to spite my face I know my Mum has been waiting for me to say "oh can you come and help me" so she can look all wonderful and mother of the year.

She has looked after DD1 3 times (she is 3 1/2) once when she was 8 weeks old, I left loads of EBM and nappies and I was gone 2 hours she went through 6 nappies (they were soaking) and 2 big bottles of EBM (DD1 would never have drank this much I know the minute I was away she would have been forcing it down her throat as this is what she did when we were babies) it's not that she was confused about having a newborn rather that she was like "well she had this much when I was with her aren't I great!" kind of thing. At 9 months old she gave her lucozade and salty porridge! It's not out of some misplaced kindness but to undermine me.

BalletMum · 15/02/2008 15:28

My mum always gives my boys squash when I am not around. I think she knows it winds me up!! It doesn't any more as I know it isn't often.

I agree sweetkitty. My mum needs to be needed so she is waiting to be asked. Would it be so bad to just ask her to help? I know I have to ask for help sometimes (just a complete pain when she lets me down anyway!!)

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BalletMum · 15/02/2008 15:30

Rant coming......it also really Pisses me off when we see family and friends because they all assume that my parents help me out all the time as we live so close.

sweetkitty · 15/02/2008 16:12

No point in asking she always has an excuse, most of the time it's because there is no one to let her dogs out for the toilet (apart from my aunt that lives 2 minutes away) it's a laziness thing, her and StepDad are so bone idle they live on takeaways as she can't be bothered cooking most nights and they never do anything or go anywhere.

To other people though she is Grandmother of the year and is always worrying about us all

needmorecoffee · 15/02/2008 16:28

Hi Shala. We've had no help from Grandparents for 16 years. My mum is too frail but my in-laws are retired and wealthy. DH had to give up work as I'm disabled and our youngest is severely brain damaged and requires 24 hour care. GP's have never babysat or offered to take the older 3 despite the hell that is our lives. Even when dd2 was having fits in hospital at 2am and we thought she would die they wouldn't come and sit with the other 3 so i had to take them all to A&E with us.
I do feel resentful. Our marriage is on its last legs cos of the strain too

sweetkitty · 15/02/2008 16:32

That's terrible needmorecoffee, I do believe in karma though, it's not like we are asking for GPs that babysit 3 times a week or anything but it would be nice for them to take a bit of an interest and even say "we will come up and look after the DC for 2 hours so you can have a break maybe once every 6 months" anyway there will come a time when they will need us and I don't plan on breaking my neck our even putting myself out for them, waht goes around comes around.

I feel my relationship with DP takes the strain because we just don't get a break.

needmorecoffee · 15/02/2008 16:47

MIL is a member of 'Exit' and keeps telling me that when she becomes unable to walk life isn't worth living. Makes me feel great given I'm sat in a farking wheelchair and she says it in front of dd2 who while having severe cerebral palsy can understand.
Maybe I'll push her off a cliff....
But yeah, what comes around etc

chelsygirl · 15/02/2008 16:54

thris thread is close to my heart

mylovelymonster · 15/02/2008 16:59

omg nmc - that's awful. I was going to have a moan myself but seems pretty rediculous now. How can parents be so thoughtless and uncaring?

Gemy · 16/02/2008 22:15

Brilliant thread!

Mine do 'think' they do load when actually they don't. Mum will come up to my house only if my husband picks her up and drops her off, and when she's here, she seems to wait until DD2 is due her feed before asking if there's anything I want to get on with. So I'll say dd2 is due her feed in 10 mins and the face she makes says it all. Like oh well, another day then. Yeah right. My parents saud they'd have the girls for (actually thinking about it) tonight! And when I reminded them of this last weekend, mum actually made something up about their kitchen fitters coming (even though I know the kitchen fitters are not due for 3 weeks so this was just a lie). AND, my husband and I attend his company conference once a year and it is 2 nights away. AGES ago I asked if they'd have the girls and they said they'd love to. And then just yesterday, I mentioned that I needed to get a dress and suddenly mum was like 'oh well, itreally depends doesnt;t it, because Brian has to take me to work so perhaps it's not such a good idea....' (my mum works about a 3/4 minute walk from their house!)

They had DD1 a few weeks ago for one afternoon and - looking back - I realise now that they thought this deleted any other childcare promises they may have made.

My husband wants us to start having less to do with them but they're my parents you know! It's not that easy.

Elkat · 17/02/2008 15:45

Isn't that the nature of Ils to be disinterested? Mine have only ever been bothered when it suits them... didn't even bother to offer help when my DD was taken into hospital recently. I don't expect anything of them, but then don't give anything in return. Quite simply, they haven't got a relationship with my children... but that's their loss I guess.

NAB3wishesfor2008 · 17/02/2008 15:58

I have no family so rely on my inlaws to help. To be fair they do when they can but they can't always and while I accept that, it is hard when we have no one else to ask.

I can't wait to have GC. I will babysit any time my kids want me too!

donbean · 17/02/2008 16:08

mine have been around today.....ONLY because fil needed dh to do some thing on his car.
we havent seen or heard from them since Jan 5th.

they have their own lives, but ds has 4 grandparents that he is never going to know any thing about except that he never sees them and that they realy cant be arsed with him or us.

Pinchypants · 18/02/2008 11:57

I can't imagine what it's like when your own parents don't want to be with your LOs the whole time - my parents live an hour away and would literally be here every weekend if we let them. Sometimes their 'love affair' with DD (their first grandchild) has even felt a little cloying, I'm ashamed to say, even though they are absolutely brilliant with her, we really enjoy their company and they totally respect how I do things. If anything I have to be careful not to totally take advantage of them.
DH's parents, on the other hand, are also an hour away, adore DD too when they see her but are a little more standoffish, possibly because they are afraid of treading on my toes - they always have to be 'invited' over and it always has to be a whole weekend with activities lined up to entertain them - they won't just pop over for a casual lunch and never offer to help. We do ask but they are often busy with other stuff. They did have DD for the night once and I think just found it stressful. When they phone DH they sometimes don't even ask about her, which I think is rather odd. We've given up expecting them to 'want' to help, and just ask quite neutrally and have to accept that the answer will often be a no, and not to take that personally. It's a toughie.

SoupDragon · 18/02/2008 12:07

You're right, they are your children and your parents/PIL don't have to help. Parenting is knackering and relentless.

Not everyone has tons of help from grandparents eg from my POV, my parents are 1.5 hours away and PIL live in Spain. Oddly enough, I don't get much help from them (not the help of "for tea once a week") and I too am knackered and often run down. I don't expect either set to make special trips just to help me out, they have their own lives to lead and. at the end of the day, I chose to have children, they didn't choose to have grand children.

Help is nice, of course it is, but you mustn't feel bitter if you don't get as much from grandparents as you think you deserve.

SoupDragon · 18/02/2008 12:08

"we havent seen or heard from them since Jan 5th"

So, you've not called them either??

batters · 18/02/2008 12:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mouseling · 18/02/2008 12:35

Difficult not to feel resentful when you know how much better a parent you could be if you had the occasional break.

My parents are elderly and living a days drive away from us so realistically not able to help.

My PILs are a few minutes drive away, recently retired so not short of time and fit and healthy and yet have never felt inclined to spend time with their grandchildren and certainly not to help out in any way.

It was our decision to have 3 children and therefore our responsibility but I will never understand their attitude and will always bear that resentment.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 18/02/2008 14:42

I can relate to an awful lot of what has been written here.

I have written about my parents before and their lack of support with regards to grandparenting. WOuld certainly NOT nominate them for grandparents of the year, they both are an abject lesson in how not to be supportive. I had my Mum say before DS was born that any grandparents who choose to look after their grandchildren full or even part time must be mad to do so.

I have never asked for such help, I would have just liked a bit more interest in us from them.

I also think this is noticed acutely when its just your own family unit again (with no extended family in attendance) when you go out for the day.

My Mother still continues to run around after my lazy arse childfree brother (38) and still does his cleaning for him. My Dad still puts up with all this for a quiet life. Both my Mum and Dad are retired, live 20 minutes away and are in good health. Both are quite happy shopping, going on holiday and taking care of younger brother. This is fine but I would have liked them to show more interest. Ds is the only grandchild these four are all likely to have.

IL's aren't much better either I am sorry to report.

geekgirl · 18/02/2008 14:49

ooh, my inlaws are also like this , actually, they've said outright that they don't want to have too much to do with their GC, along with lots of other shite they've spouted.

They love to tell me what a heroine I am blablabla but would rather chop off an arm than translate this to any kind of practical action.

I feel sad for the dc and dh (who takes this really badly) - the inlaws live only 30 minutes away.

Now, my parents were a completely different kettle of fish - really doting grandparents and eager to look after the dc. Then my mum got cancer and died last year, and my dad is now understandably a mess (although still as keen to help, but can't really be trusted with childcare atm) .

Even dh said that the wrong grandma had died (yes, he is very bitter).

geekgirl · 18/02/2008 14:52

Attila, that reminds me of my MIL saying proudly last year 'I know some grandparents are mad enough to do it, but you wouldn't find us picking up our grandchildren from school just so they didn't have to go to an after-school club!'

AttilaTheMeerkat · 18/02/2008 14:58

Hi Geekgirl,

Bloody hell, they sound absolutely awful. Even my parents have unbent enough to pick up DS from school albeit only on parents eveningmind you (I had an early appointment after school). However, I did tell them in no uncertain terms that I wanted them to do this. I find with them its the only way forward.

mouseling · 18/02/2008 15:54

My MIL announced on the day I gave birth to DS1 (our second child) that she didn't want to be called Granny anymore.

Carnival · 18/02/2008 16:04

My feeling is that if they don't help you with your kids, they shouldn't be surprised to find their asses in a care home when the time comes

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