Disappointed in Grandparents

[shala]

Hi, this is my first time here! I've got 2 boys aged 14 mths and 5 yrs I'm really gutted about the lack of help I've received from Gparents. My mum lives 2 hours away and is always saying she will come down to see us (she has a holiday flat here!), but she never ends up coming - is either too busy or on holiday. My P's in law live 5 mins away and have my 5 yr old after school for tea once a week (ie, an hour or so).
I know they're my children and I have no right to expect any help, but I'm so knackered, keep getting ill and would love a break,even if just a couple of hours. DH works full time, but he is great when here.
I love my children, but bloody hell it's knackering and I feel really let down that the Gparents don't willingly help. This is made worse by the fact that EVERYONE else I know has tons of help from very willing Gparents.
Am I alone in feeling resentful? Want to be a good person but am feeling increasingly bitter!!!

Unfortunately some people just don't fancy looking after kids again seeing as they've managed to succesfully look after their own. I hope my parents will be interested in my baby, but if they aren't then they aren't, there's no point getting annoyed with them, they've done their child care already in looking after me, I'll just have to get a sitter or not do what I want to do - you can't force the issue because they shouldn't be made to do something they don't want to just to appease me. You can choose your friends but you can't choose your family eh!

Couldn't agree more, Carnival.

As my FIL will one day discover. He was ranting at my poor MIL until 4am last night that he shouldn't have to travel to Asia to see our newborn, his only grandchild.

Apparently we are supposed to scoop up our three-week-old DD, take her on a germ-ridden plane to the UK and humbly present her at the feet of paterfamilias.

Obviously he can get fucked.

We have no help - my mother is too busy with her own 'problems', although she actually has none - good health, no mortgage, just moved to a lovely village.......and has never helped out in the year since DD has been here. Has told me that she can't be bothered to drive over to us (1hr away), and then is upset that DD doesn't fall over herself with unconditional love for her granny when we do see her (I have to organise family get togethers, I have to cook and wait on everyone hand & foot when they come - invitations never returned).
My father hasn't even met DD yet although I have tried to involve him and willing to drive to them etc. He is the only grandfather she will ever have, but we are treated as awkward acquaintances - very odd, as I am a nice person, well educated and successful and I care about him very much.
I am seriously thinking of 'divorcing' both of them to send them a clear message of how crap they are.
A friend of mine has a very close family and has lovely visits with them and the children, and granny comes up two days a week to look after the two children and I am SO jealous of her. Sigh.
My MIL is not in great health but she has a heart of gold, and sadly too far away to see her more often, so we are alone to take care of our gorgeous DD and manage two jobs etc, which we do gladly - our choice etc, but life would be so much fuller with more family involvement and DD and her GPs would gain so much from being closer, just makes me feel sad - for her especially.

It would be very interesting to see how you behave when you are grandparents.

well, I dare say that I will show an interest in my grandchildren and in spending time with them. It's not such a weird and wacky thing, really. My parents managed it.

I intend to spend very little time babysitting so shoot me.

this thread is really quite sad...is it really the norm here for grandparents to not give a toss about seeing their grandchildren?

i was lucky when i was a child - my gps' home was my second home. I remember fighting with my siblings over whose turn it was to stay overnight at their house, it was such a treat. My maternal grandparents lived 100 miles away so we only saw them every few years but they were always warm and loving and we spoke by phone regularly.

as a child i grew up with the sense of being part of a family beyond my parents and siblings, it was wonderful.

am that many chldren seem to lack this for no other reason than their gc can't be arsed with them.

sorry that should be 1000 miles!

same here, chibi

I spent many holidays with my grandparents - they even seemed to enjoy themselves, the freaks

The close relationship I had with my grandpa in particular is something I will always cherish.

chibi on Mon 18-Feb-08 20:02:50
"this thread is really quite sad...is it really the norm here for grandparents to not give a toss about seeing their grandchildren?"

Well, you're not going to get a very balanced view on a thread with the title "Disappointed in grandparents", are you, Chibi? I mean, after the OP has told her sad story, it seems almost insensitive to pitch in with 'but actually, my dc's grandparents are all lovely'. So those of us who do have great extended families are keeping mum.

Tbh I don't get a lot of babysitting done as my parents live in another country, my FIL is dead and my MIL is over 80 and paralysed from spinal cancer. But that's nobody's fault and I always knew I couldn't expect it. We get other things: we spend the summer holidays with my family, and MIL is absolutely lovely with the children when we go down for the weekend. She has been a great inspiration to dd about coping with her disability.

Myy parents would certainly come over in an emergency, though they are in their late seventies. (They have done in the past and helped to look after me when both babies were born.) So would MIL if only she could
move, bless her!

My friend who has terminal cancer has a Mum who comes shooting across the country every time she needs treatment or a rest. And I see lots of grandparents picking up their children at the school gates. So it's not all doom and gloom.

cory - i totally understand why some gp can't see gc regularly or care for them, they may live too far away or have health issues.

what i find sad is those gp who just won't see gc or take an interest in them.

I think some people have made a good point here, there are grandparents with money, time and health who just don't seem very interested in their own grandchildren.
When I was a child we saw ours all the time and it's not just about childcare, it's about taking an interest, mutually. We used to go and watch my granddad play bowls, etc. This is definitely a generational issue; my grandparents went through war, blah, blah, blah, and most people were v happy to have family. Today's grandparents are, frankly, the most spoilt, selfish generation ever to exist. These baby boomers have been the beneficiaries of the housing boom (which the rest of us will and are currently going to pay for), free healthcare (slowly we will be refused care if smoking/too fat/drugs to expensive because the baby boomers healthcare will be such a burden that the cost is simply too great), final salary pensions (that's over), free education (not for them the debt our children will be saddled with). The rest of us are going to be poorer and generally have a lower quality of life. But hey, they'll be fine. It makes you wonder how all these changes came about - oh yes, the babyboomers are in charge - and have pulled up the ladder behind them. And then we are surprised when they are rubbish grandparents. Sigh.

And most of our mother's generation didn't have to work to keep a roof over their heads either.

And as for care homes I think we'll find that when our parent's reach the point of needing these establishments, the quality and funding of these homes will become an "urgent political issue that has been ignored for to long", and the rest of us will have to pay for the higher quality in care that these people believe is their due.

Okay, I think I'm done now.

The only time I asked my mum to babysit DD, who was aged 3, she said 'yes, but I shall give her a bloody good hiding if she starts'.

kate, you've made some excellent points here. You should go into politics-the final salary pension thing is what really gets me going...

With regard to the op, close grandparents can be a mixed blessing. My ils are too heavily involved for my liking and make it quite clear by their behaviour that I am an irrelevance, the somewhat inconvenient nuisance in the way to unfettered access to their son and grandchildren.

PILs are lovely but live at the other end of the country. When I was in hospital, MIL hotfooted it down to look after her gcs (aged 5 and 2). She spent every other week here, through Oct, Nov, Dec. My Mum phoned and said "its a pity we can't help, we live so far away". They live an hour away. And she doesn't work and they are in good health, in their early sixties. They did nothing, didn't help in any way, not for 10 minutes. They did insist on coming to visit to see their gcs - expected dh to provide dinner, and lifted not a finger to help or even play with the gcs. Whilst I was in hospital and he was working full-time and looking after children fulltime and the house and trying to visit me and worrying that I might not make it. Unbelievable.

I wouldn't mind if Mum didn't keep complaining that she doesn't see much of her gcs. It is her choice, she has chosen not to be involved in their lives. She could be over here all the time, taking them to the park, playing with them, having fun with them. But they come here and they walk in and sit on the sofa and wait for coffee to be brought to them. They watch the children like they are the entertainment. The children are climbing the walls by the time they leave again. And then shortly, Mum will be on the phone again wanting to know when they can next visit. Drives me nuts.

I'm on strike at the moment. Mum keeps asking when they can visit. D2s is 10 weeks old, was 7 weeks premature, and I had major major surgery having him (15 pints of blood etc!). I said I was too tired to cope with visitors. I said dh and I spent our weekends taking it in turns to look after the children, and sleep. Which is true.

But if you wanted to see your grandchildren, and your daughter said that to you - surely you'd reply that you'd come over and look after the kids while your daughter and her dh slept? Just for an hour? Just so you got to see them? Surely? Not.

Its their choice. But if they don't want to be involved in their gc's lives, I wish they'd bog off and stop wanting to spend Sunday afternoons sitting on my sofa drinking my coffee!

And oh Carnival, that is sooo true! I shall be too busy looking after my lovely ILs.

kate2mum - very interesting points. How true.
My parents are totally self-centred and think the world(should)revolve around them. If they didn't want anything to do with gc then fine - have a nice life - but my mum gets all teary that she doesn't have much of a relationship with DD - but then she can't be bothered to come over/help/have us for lunch/meet up..........yadayadayada...and it really upsets and annoys me. Completely empathise with fruitfulinotherways (hope your health is improving and congratulations on DS2 by the way - if you're anywhere near me, I can pop round with a casserole xx)
Soupdragon - not quite sure what you mean, but I would have thought that if you loved your children you would be interested in how they were, and excited when they had children of their own, and at least be interested in their lives and want to be a part of that - that doesn't necessarily mean supplementing childcare at all - but just making the smallest effort and being the least bit thoughtful and building a relationship with GCs?
I can't imagine not wanting to do this, but do you think that's a huge leap?
I know lots of GPs who take enormous pleasure in doing the littlest things with their GCs, just not mine, sadly.

Soupdragon -

MIL is staying with us this week. Today she met with friends. She couldn't commit to picking up dd from school as she wasn't sure she'd be back in time. So I went to get dd; absolute nightmare getting out on time with both dss screaming and filling their respective nappies. And then MIL arrived at the school gates so I walked home again with the boys and MIL took dd in the car (she had her carseat). So I got the small shouty ones and MIL got the sunny chatty one.

Then we got home and I dealt with the juice leak in dd's schoolbag, and paced up and down with ds2, and MIL sat and played Spotty Dinosaurs with dd and ds1.

Later, MIL will do bathtime and storytime and I will encourage ds2 to do his daily almighty-huge-toxic-waste poo.

My kids love her, she is taking some of the pressure off me, and she is having a nice time with her gc's. And she would do all the messy jobs if I needed her to.

That is the kind of Grandma I'm going to be!

Love your post Kate. Had a similar rant some time ago. That said my Mum does seem interested, just not as helpful as other gps.

Why is it so shocking that someones mum has "Done all that and finds it boring?"
I can't understand why people have kids and then get 'arsey' when people don't toe the line and do what is expected of them.

My feelings have always been that we had the kids, it's our responsibility to do the hard work. It would never cross my mind that grandparents 'should' do their bit (especially when their 'bit' is often defined by the childs parents, and not the grandparents). Why should they? they have been there and done that, perhaps they should now be able to live their own lives.
I would never have dreamt of expecting my childrens grandparents to be anything other than a grandparent. I certainly wouldn't have whinged that they only had the five year old for only one hour or so once a week - I would view it as his special time with them.

I have started again in recent years, becoming legally responsible for my grandson since he was 5 months old (he's 5 years old now). I would not give him up for the world, but it is totally knackering. Because of his age, I have many friends met through playgroups etc, who all seem to think nothing of having each others children, they are quite happy that I have made it clear that unless they have absolutely exhausted all other options, I will never babysit their kids, and there are rules; I do not do nappies, I certainly do not do snotty noses, etc. They are totally understanding that I have done all that (for my own children and for my grandson) and been there and do not want to do it again.

In response to Kates post. As a grandparent I am bloody offended. To talk so generally about 'this generation of grandparents being spoilt' is disgusting
Since our grandson came to live with us - we have lost our home and very well paid jobs (to pay for court costs etc). My DH is not in a very low paid job and we struggle to keep a roof over our heads with the rent taking 70% of our income before paying anything else.
We are not beneficiaries of the housing boom, nor of free healthcare, we do not have any final salary pensions, I have student debts totalling around £16,000 and have had to start studying again in order to retrain - so no free education. We are now poorer and generally have a lower quality of life.
And to be quite honest we are bloody fantastic grandparents who expect our grown-up children to be just that - Grown-up and take responsibility for their choices, especially parenthood

I don't think any of these parents on here are berating the fact that parenting is hard work. However, they see other families with grandparents who seem more willing and or able to assist (taking the children to the park, being with parents at the school play etc). I know of women who have felt saddened at the fact that their parents or ILs do not want to be more involved and I'm not in any way talking daily involvement here.

The over 50s as a group are now the most widely travelled, this market has truly taken off in previous years. Many are reaping the rewards of their labours to the full and the last thing that many of them want to do therefore is to sit at home. Of course this does not apply to all such people in this age group but there are people out there who certainly go on holiday often. Their role has changed markedly within the last two decades.

I think sometimes that there is an unwritten assumption that grandparents (particularly in the woman's case) will be in some form or other be supportive and show interest when the grandchild arrives. What is being shown here is that this is not always the case at all. My Mother for instance told me long before I became a parent myself that she would not in any way look after any child/ren I had on the grounds that she had been there and done that. She did not want any further responsibility. I have no issue with that at all but her stance has also extended to rarely seeing my son or having much involvement in his life. My Mother has never attended a school play or school fete although she lives nearby and is in good health simply because she does not want to. I have previously felt I have come a dim and second to my brother's empty house in my hometown (he is single and lives on his own) which she cleans twice a week. There is much disappointment from people stating that for whatever reason these people are not showing an interest in their grandchildren. They feel more upset than anything else and cannot understand why their parents have done this.

"I would never have dreamt of expecting my childrens grandparents to be anything other than a grandparent".

I would ask what you would yourself define as the role of a grandparent. You have stepped up to the plate at great cost to your own self and that's fantastic thing to do for your grandchild. Many others would not have done as you have.

The grandparents that these women write of on here would certainly not be seen as supportive in any way shape or form.
If you re-read the postings you will see that these people are simply not visiting due to them in the main being busy with their own lives and thus putting their own selves first. Perhaps there is nothing wrong with this but the emotional ramifications of little to no grandparent interest is more difficult for the mother in particular to deal with.

Joash - you are obviously a fab granny in taking that extra step in looking after your grandchild... but not all grandparents are like that. And when your child's grandparents have been so disinterested in your child that your child has remarked "my 'grandparent' doesn't love me", then it is a very different story. There are degrees of involvement with one's grandchildren, but surely the bare minimum is to show an active interest in their grandchildren's lives - but unfortunately, that seems to be beyond some grandparents.

Hi Attila - for a start, I am not over 50 - in fact quite a way off yet (although I currently feel about 90 ) and I do see what you are saying, but it seems to boil down to one thing ... the expectation that grandparents SHOULD do things in a particular way. These are your (not you specifically) expectations. Peoples lives would be much better if they stopped expecting things to happen in a way that would suit them and just get on with it.

I disagree that there is a 'unwritten assumption' out-there - what is out-there is the assumption on the part of the person who assumes that their parents will be on permenantly on call. I've seen threads on here with people complaining that their parents have booked holidays without matching it to their 'diaries' of what's happening in their lives, or complaining that the grandparents won't look after their grandchildren on a regular basis whilst they go out to work, or even have a social life, or won't give them money to bail them out of debt, etc, etc. I can't understand why there seems to be a general expectation that even once we are adults - we still expect our parents to treat us like their 'little-girls' and bail us out rather than finding our own solutions.

Just like your own mother I made sure that my own children knew that I had been there and done that, I would not be a regular babysitter, I would not be a childminder and they should not make the assumption that I would. That's not meant to sound harsh, but I want to enjoy my grandchildren as exactly that - my grandchildren (that includes being able to see them around my life and commitments, or whatever. When I'm busy, I may not see them much, however, that also doesn't follow that I will see them constantly in my free time). It also means that I do not want to have to take on the responsibilities that I had with my own children. Grandparents should be able to expect the good bits - not all the day-to-day stuff. I too have never attended school plays or fetes, etc, that my grandchildren are involved in - apart from the ones to do with my grandson for who I have parental responsibility. Thats just it - I have parental responsibility and take that seriously, doing whatever a PARENT should do. Lets be honest, such events are pretty boring. My friends with grown up children all back that comment up and admit that we only went, or visited or attended, because our little ones were involved in someway. At the time we would have argued otherwise, but time is a great way of making sure we see things as they really are.

If we start parenthod with no expectations of anyone or assumptions that people will fall into line and behave the way we would like them to, then we can't miss or hanker after things that don't happen, and begin to appreciate the things that do happen.

I also believe (from my work with grandparent groups) that it's not about showing little or no interest in their grandchildren, it's more about not showing the level of interest that our own children automatically assume we should.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with grandparents putting their own selves first, once their own children are grown up.

As for my grandson who lives with us. I absolutely adore him. I have taken on the role of his mother, which makes me very happy, yet also makes me extremely sad ...whilst he has gained substitute parents, he has lost his grandparents. He will never know the exitement of seeing grandma and grandad on visits (or whatever) however frequently or infrequently they might have occured.