I have 2 DS . 7 and 5. Very very different. I'm am really struggling with ds2. His brother is very rule driven, does as he's asked , does the daily stuff (teeth brushing for example) without being asked. He's sensitive and easily upset, doesn't make friends easily , very bright.
Ds2 - also very bright, lots of friends, and so loving. However, he reacts badly to so many things. Shouts/cries/stamps. About brushing teeth, or getting shoes on. (as an example) small stuff. Without beating about the Bush, the way he speaks is awful. Rude,abrupt, scathing even. Straight away, no build up. Answers back, argues the toss over everything. Yet...thinks that he "sucks" at most things. That he's rubbish at football , can't read well (his reading is excellent) took 40 attempts to draw a Christmas tree he was happy with, getting more upset as he went and berating himself.
I've just been reading another thread where OP was advised asking 15 times was 12 or 13 too many. 1, 2 then consequence. But what if they still don't stop? I am consistent with consequences. Today I picked him up from after school activity, I already knew he'd been very difficult. He was messing about (really hyper and taking no notice) I'd said hello etc to both, and was getting in the car,chucking it down. Said come on ds let's get in the car nicely and get home "YOU get in the car" etc. Said don't be rude please, he answered back 8 times, or so. I did lose my patience and really snapped at him. It wasn't my finest moment but I got through and he stopped. Then asked why I was cross as soon as I saw them. I wasn't at all. But all he's sees is me raising my voice to him.
I try to praise the good but he counters it with a denial (no, it's not good, so what, etc).
It feeks like a constant round of threats and consequences. I have tried to reframe it so that he earns time on his tablet for example, but he's constantly trying to bargain about it. They were both watching YouTube and I have put a stop to that as they had started branching out from the suitable stuff and I believe that's where sone of the words/way of speaking has come from.
I will stop there, just to add, I don't compare him to his brother badly, it's more of an explanation that I havent had to deal with this before and really have no ideas how to.