Please help me to help my devastated son

[pastacaring]

Tonight my 16 year old ds has been declared medically unfit for the Army. It is all he wants to do and if his appeal fails he will be devastated. He has been studying hard for his gcses and spending all his spare time reading about and training for the Army. I feel sick for him and I need advice of what to say to help him through this.

This doesn't have to be the end of his dreams. Look at the RAF Regiment, same business, different uniform.

@StressedToTheMaxxx I guess this is what is so frustrating. He did have normal feelings, they were just too much for him at the time and I wasn't confident I knew enough to help him properly. I wanted to do the best for him. At that age, he hadn't even thought of joining the forces and even if he had it wouldn't have stopped me getting him help.

This would be what I would suggest as an alternative.

it does depend on what part of the army he was into. If it was mechanical then the RAF and even more so the Navy would be great alternative, same if it was for the A corp maybe look at the navy fleet air arm.

if it’s none of those but he really want to join the army and I’m being serious there is the French Foreign legion.

My son was rejected from the army at 17 due to a medical issue, so we appealed. I was kicking myself too for taking him to the doctors about it years earlier. Our GP was brilliant and wrote a letter, and I helped my son to write one too. He was then accepted, and has been serving for three years now.

I remember how awful it was though for him to get that first rejection. I just supported him as best I could both emotionally and practically, and took it as an opportunity to help him develop his resilience. He is enjoying being in the army, but resilience is so important for them - plans are constantly changing, often at the very last minute, and he has had to deal with so many frustrations and disappointments over the last few years.

Wishing you good luck with the appeal, and make sure you start to get a Plan B in place just in case it isn’t successful.

Sorry to hear this. I had the same. Wished I'd never asked for the help years before, which was useless at the time.

@pastacaring my heart goes out to you. I can empathise with how positive it feels as a parent when your child has a goal which gives them motivation and drive.

Then to find that this goal may be unobtainable is a horrible blow.

I also empathise with how helpless this makes us feel as parents. It is so so natural to want to fix things for our children. But, I think maybe your son would be better served by you listening and accepting that this isn't ideal and that it is understandable that he is upset or angry.

I realise that typing this here is a lot harder than actually doing it IRL though.

My son had a period of poor MH during lockdown, along with some anxiety. I was really worried about him, as were his teachers. I reached out to Camhs for help (and like you found it to be not very helpful).

I think I did the right thing. I couldn't have held off incase it affected his future. This is the same reason as you did it- out of love, and because we do what we think is best at any one time.

I think the advice on this thread to follow it up with the recruiters, and to try to distill what it is about the army that appeals to your son is great.

Sending in Mumsnetty hugs.

Please don't beat yourself up over this. You did what you thought was best at the time. You did nothing wrong except being a caring mum, worried for her child. Perhaps his mental health could have deteriorated if you hadn't got him help and he may have been in a worse situation than he is now. You really never know and there is no point in kicking yourself. I really do hope his appeal is successful.

To digress slighty, it's what frustrates me a little about any negative (but normal) human emotion being classed as a mental health problem. It does sometimes have further reaching consequences. Whether that be preventing young people from entering specific careers, clogging up services for those who do genuinely have mental illness.... We really need to inform young folk that feeling down, feeling anxious, overwhelmed sometimes are all completely normal emotions, instead of medacalising every feeling and emotion.

Thank you @freckles20 I think you did the right thing. If you're worried then you should seek advice. We might not have got the help we needed but someone else might. I hear what you are saying about motivation. His goal helped him to be motivated to get exercise, study hard and take rest days. If his dreams are crushed how will he get the motivation to continue these things? There are so many kids around here that don't know what they want to do and start to get into trouble. It was keeping him busy and grounded. I am concerned that without this he'll feel lost.

Firstly huge hug to you and him.
I am preparing myself for this situation as highly likely for medical reasons to be my son one day too.

I would absolutely support him in fully knowing if the door is shut. Appeal and confirm for sure.

If it is, consider other forces.

Maybe consider other options like RNLI, search and rescue, a degree like disaster management. There will be other options.

Allow him time to grieve too though.

massive hug x

@StressedToTheMaxxx@StressedToTheMaxxx

@StressedToTheMaxxx thanks. I had to educate myself about children's mental health pretty quickly when I needed to help my son and have continued to learn about it since then. I wish we'd recieved better help back then. He never actually got a diagnosis of anxiety, the GP called it an 'anxiety state'. Do you know what the difference is? I naively thought that this may have looked better on his application, that it was not actually diagnosed as anxiety. He was never medicated either.

@Panic71 sorry to hear this. Thank you for the other suggestions, it's helping me see that he could still find something he would enjoy.

How old was your son when he was diagnosed? I’m only asking as this is a route my child has chosen and they are 15 but diagnosed at 7 with anxiety and went to private counselling as CAMHS was such a long wait.

sorry your son is going through this

Thank you everyone, I was hopeful but didn't expect so much help. I feel a lot calmer and more able to deal with whatever comes of all this. Parenting really is a learning curve.

@NFLwidow Around 7 or 8. The GP told me he never got an actual diagnosis as such. He saw camhs and Barnardo’s for a handful of sessions and had a few GP visits. I hope all goes well for you.

So sorry. My son was turned down for the RAF many years ago because he'd seen the doctor about anxiety - he'd not even been prescribed anything.

I hope your son can be directed towards an alternative career he feels as passionate about.

Would he be accepted in the police or fire service?

DH tried to join the marines. Was what he really wanted to do. He failed the medical. He was devastated.

It was the best thing that ever happened to him.

He knows that a number of the people he knew who were on the same assessment or joined around the same time are now dead.

He drifted for a few years but eventually sorted himself out and works in computing now. It wasn't what he planned.

Life throws you curve balls - being in the army is all about dealing with these type of curve balls in itself.

Best thing he can do, is prove them wrong by demonstrating to himself that he can deal with these type of set back or unexpected changes in life by finding his way on his own terms

He will get there

Can he try again later or is this a final for life decision?
My friend's son dreamt of joining up at 18 - all his life he has lived in fatigues and sooo wanted to join. He didn't pass the medical as he is asthmatic.
He went to uni and tried again - he has not needed medication for asthma in that time.
He's now passed his first training module for the Royal Marines and is in the second phase. No one under 20 passed the first one.
I know the Army is different to the Marines but I'd check to see how final the decision is - from the website it seems some mental health issues like depression (for example) are ok if without symptoms or medical treatment for three years.
If he can reapply in a couple years time, suggest he do something in the meantime like a vocational qualification (if he doesn't want to A levels). There is always a possibility he may never be accepted and needs a back up plan.

"Maybe consider other options like RNLI"

I'm assuming the OPs son is looking for paid employment

All I've been reading the last few years is about how the Army is a toxic, bullying institution - just this week headlines in the Telegraph about bullying at Sandhurst. Why anyone with a history of anxiety issues would want to sign up to that I do not know. I suppose it may be that thing of trying to get involved with something so unlike you that it may rub off and improve you.

Same goes with all State organisations these days - recent scandals in the Navy, Red Arrows, the Met, Gwent Police, Greater Manchester Police, local authorities, Post Office, Westminster MPs and even some charities - you name it, if it's a State organisation, bullying and corruption will be rife.

There's also the question of whether they deliberately recruit sociopaths. Certainly the police are known to recruit employees 'in spite of their having criminal records' for that read, they recruit known criminals because of their criminal record. They may not want some bleeding heart do-gooder who will either buckle at the first sign of trouble or whistleblow corruption.

"Recruit known criminals because of their criminal record" that's clearly crap 😂

@pastacaring what was it, specifically, that made him want to join the Army? I work in Defence and there are other options outside of being uniformed personnel. If he knows what attracted him to the Army, I may be able to suggest some alternatives

Erm... not really @WineAndDontDine

The Times, in a recent leader, talked about how the police recruit known criminals 'in spite' of their criminal records. Er, why would they actually do that? Unless, of course, it's deliberate.
Yep, it really really is that corrupt.

Appeal. You just need to get past Capita to an Army doctor.

There's also the question of whether they deliberately recruit sociopaths.

I suppose were the Army, Navy, Red Arrows, the Met, Gwent Police, Greater Manchester Police, local authorities, Post Office, Westminster MPs and even some charities only recruiting sociopaths, that would explain the shortages in so many areas 🤨🙄