Please help me to help my devastated son

[pastacaring]

Tonight my 16 year old ds has been declared medically unfit for the Army. It is all he wants to do and if his appeal fails he will be devastated. He has been studying hard for his gcses and spending all his spare time reading about and training for the Army. I feel sick for him and I need advice of what to say to help him through this.

Thank you for all your replies, this is helping me see it more clearly. We have messaged his recruiter to appeal and find out some more answers. It's the unfairness of the situation that gets to me. I know all I can do is listen to him and be thankful that we have a good relationship and he does talk to me. I guess I'm also still angry with the 'help' we recieved when he was struggling.

If he can't get in at all but is public service minded he can look into the other uniformed services even if the military is out of the question, Fire and Rescue, Police and Ambulance need people who are good under pressure.

Alternatively he may be able to look into the TA or as an adult officer within the Cadet corps, it won't be the same as being a full-time member but will ensure he gets some of that military lifestyle.

My son was all set for the army and he developed type 1 diabetes when he was 17 (was going to join at 18), (that is an automatic no - don't even bother applying). My son read some online literature which talked about how people with type 1 diabetes are a liability in any armed forces... which might be technically true but it was harsh for him to read. So overnight he went from having a plan for his future and being fit and healthy, to having a chronic disease and a list of jobs he can't do because of it. It's horrid but we are 10 years on from that and my DS went to Uni and has a great job he loves. Your son will be gutted for a while but you did not do the wrong thing seeking help for his anxiety. You really didn't - I'm sorry the support was poor but that wasn't on you.

I wonder if the flip of this coin is getting him to consider what kind of an environment this would be for him where something as positive and progressive as getting help for anxiety is seen as a weakness and a deal breaker. What types of individuals would this environment breed? How can anyone expect to grow as a balanced and emotional human being if even the most minor of mental health struggles are simply not acceptable? How would this environment have moulded him in the long run?

I have friends from school who are honestly unrecognisable from the people they were before the army. Being frank I think he (and you) have dodged a bullet

Thank you for your replies. I know I did what I thought was best for him at the time. I don't want him (or anyone) to think it's better not to talk about things.

@SweetHolme they also have the history of Catterick to contend with and the number of young recruits who took their own lives. It would of course be better to do a full psych screaming in all recruits to find those recovered and those with hidden difficulties but I suspect that would be too costly.

My brother planned his whole life to join the Army, got in, got injured a week to the end of basic training and that was it, several operations later and early 'retirement' its absolutely heartwrenching when it happens to someone you know as they have to be so disciplined to apply in the first place. I hope OPs son gets over his disappointment in a week or two and aims that discipline elsewhere.

*screening, although I'm sure they get screamed / shouted at too

People get turned down because of historical anxiety? That seems harsh, surely that applies to a lot of people now?

I’d give him some time to feel sad/angry etc. do the appeal. Start thinking with him about what it is he was interested in about the army. Is there another job that matches these interests or another way to work alongside the army by following a specialism they desperately need?

You mentioned he has an appeal, what can you do to help him with that?

@MelchiorsMistress There is not alot of information on the email. We have messaged his recruiter as it advises us to do this first.

@SweetHolme

I really agree with this.

The forces is a great career for many, but it is really unhealthy for some, so it is a tricky balancing act.

Firstly, it's a shame for your son to have done so well in his recovery and for then being failed on a technicality. I feel for you both. BUT it might also be an opportunity to consider other things that might deliver on some of the positives without some of the negatives. Travel opportunities, training, camaraderie, physicality are possible to find in other career paths.

Do you think that your son's recovery was in part due to him having a supportive family and network around him? The army might not provide this - it still fails many on MH issues. Even if he never had MH issues again for the rest of his life, the fact that they would hold it against him does show you something about the kind of environment they are providing perhaps?

If it’s anxiety then the army is no place for him. There’s a massive link with ppl suffering from previous anxiety issues and subsequent PTSD problems after tours.

Ohh that is shitty.
However there are lots of alternatives and it could be the very thing that ‘makes’ him.

Sympathise and support him BUT do not carry the guilt in seeking support however dire it turned out,so many parents don’t see and don’t seek help and life is far worse for their young adults.

Maybe he could join the police? become a PETeacher , there’s so much opportunity out there for him.

@SweetHolme @bigbabycooker I do agree with what you are saying. It was one of my concerns when he first mentioned this career choice that he wouldn't be supported properly if he struggled again. His dad and I are separated but we live close by and manage to co-parent pretty well. I have had a chat with his dad tonight and we will help him get through this. I just wish he was small again and not facing the harsh reality of the adult world. I had no support growing up, my mum left and my dad can't be a dad. I wanted his life to be easier and have just realised that I can't control everything or make everything better now he is growing up.

All my son wants to do is join the military, it used to be the Army, now the Marines. He was diagnosed autistic when he was 6, and getting that diagnoses is something I regret every single day as at the moment, there's no way they'd take him. My husband served 26 years, and believes himself, and alot of those he worked with, to be autistic. The routine and consistency is perfect for someone who thrives on it. Obviously there are such varying degrees, but I do hope eventually it will be assessed on an individual basis, rather than a blanket ban.

Army recruitment is outsourced to Capita (check out their reputation!), they conduct a 'tick box' process with regards to applications and medical suitability, as such they i.e. 'the computer', err massively on the side of caution. The application system is computer driven, therefore do not give up at this stage, you can at least put in an appeal. I'm, aware of someone who was rejected because medical record showed prescription of a steroid cream for a 'rash' when he was 3.......the appeal was successful!

I agree with this.

@1stTimeMama I also wish it was done on a more individual basis. Not just tick a box and change someone's life but really look at someone and see them.

Try again at 18, I suspect they will be much more cautious with a 16 year old, I know the employment conditions are different for under 18s.

Was there a specific branch/corp he wanted to join?

I’d say appeal. But if they refuse then sadly that’s it.

The Forces, whilst quite accepting of some things, are inflexible about others. Medical conditions being one.

Its a very brutal state. (Similar to football clubs who spit out apprentices who don’t make the grade.)

So if they do refuse his appeal then plan B or C

plan B. Normal job - with/without training, promotional prospects, etc etc. Plan B v2. Normal job and join the TA - try and apply from there.

plan C. Many 6th form colleges offer public service courses. These are designed for those planning to enter the Police, Ambulance, Fire and Rescue etc (and the armed forces). They offer qualifications and give applicants a leg up in entering these professions.

All the best for your son.

I thought if he doesn’t “ relapse” in 12 months he can try again .

I agree. I was friends with someone who had previously been in the army, he disappeared one day without a trace. Thankfully found several days later on the streets after a mental breakdown. He was sectioned.

In what other world would this discrimination be allowed?
I've also known lots who have done well in the forces, many of those who thrived are certainly not NT.

I'm a mental health nurse, I do remember as a student having a placement with a community CAMHS team. Kids were advised in advance that any assistance from MH services would be declared on their medical files and it would potentially preclude them from entry to the armed forces.

It really was a shame, many of the kids who were referred to us had no mental illness at all, it was just normal human feelings/emotions of feeling anxious at times, feeling down at times. Normal human experiences, certainly not clinical depression/anxiety. However increasingly, any uncomfortable feelings seem to be labelled as mental health problems and thus so many teens were referred to us for these 'MH issues'. She told me of quite a few of them who were denied entry to the forces. This was a small town so she knew quite a few of them/their families and the kids ended up having to pursue alternative careers. She knew of a couple who did win on appeal however.