6yo DD wants to be a boy

[thefatpotato]

She's recently asked for a v short haircut, which we've gone ahead with. She has now said she won't wear dresses when school starts back as she 'wants to look like a boy'.

I've always been quite laid back about clothes being clothes, and I've always skewed away from things being 'girly' and 'for boys', but this has really thrown me for a loop. I have suspected for a while there is some neurodivergence going on so we will be seeking support with that.

I'm just flummoxed to be honest. She's a beautiful kid whose doing really well at school, and I want to support her her with style choices, but my brain is really rebelling against her saying she wants to look like a boy. Does anyone have any advice/has been through similar?

Who or what do you think is influencing her?

She can still be a girl and wear trousers can’t she? I’m a girl and literally never wear them!

So she wants to look like a boy, rather than be a boy? Fine.

Short hair is easier to manage, typically "boys" clothes are more comfortable, practical etc fine.

What's wrong with her having clothing/hair preferences?

My dd at5-6 went through a stage of only wearing boys clothes including boys shorts with tights for school. Which was fine by me: she wore lots of cast off from her brother anyway. She happened to have short hair for much of the time too: her hair took a while to grow. She is 16 now and still tends towards unisex clothing as lots of her peers do: warm, more pockets, often more practical. I’m not sure I see what the problem is: any reason she can’t wear boys clothes?

I think at this age you can just go over that there’s no such thing as “boys” and “girls” stuff- it’s all stuff we made up. She can look like herself, and she gets to decide what that looks like.

Well there is nothing wrong in that

What to be wary of - she can never be a boy -she needs to understand that

And also - beyond not liking dresses and such - are there sexist expectations being pushed on the child ? This can be other children , teachers treating boys and girls differently?

My eldest decided that dresses were absolutely no good for playing as when crawling it was too easy to end up crawling up the inside of the dress. Still, 22 years on, she almost never wears a dress (weddings, parties and graduations excepted). They're simply not practical for working with horses/farm animals/tractors.

I agree with letting her have the style she likes but being really clear that there’s no such thing as boys clothes and girls clothes

I don't think she's being influenced persay, I think her group of girlfriends are really girly girls where she never has been. She also has sensory issues which mean a lot of 'girls' clothes are very uncomfortable for her. I think maybe she is seeing her wanting to dress in boys clothes and have short hair so it's not in her way, as wanting to be a boy? She doesn't recognise herself in the behaviours of her girlfriends, she's thinking she must be a boy? I can't see where the outside influences would be coming from in terms of telling her to think a particular way.

"Isn't it great, that girls can wear whatever they like?"

She's six. You are doing a lot of presuming about what she's thinking.

It's simple - she wants the comfier, easier clothes. She currently only sees them on boys so thinks they are boys clothes. They aren't, they are trousers, short hair etc which lots of women have too.

Has she had lots of attention from family over Christmas? Cutesie remarks? Sometimes the fuss made of girls is cringey.. Is she shy? Maybe she wants to just blend in more..
At 6 I wouldn't be overthinking things.

Both my DD have gone through the short hair phase and dd1 was pretty against dresses for a long time (still is).

I'd frame it as some girls like short hair and that's really cool! And 'some girls..' whenever they mention boys have etc

It just shows how even at a young age girls see how fecking males have it easier 😡. But that doesn't mean they should think they're male. Just show them females can look/wear/behave how it suits them.

Is she playing any on line games? Roblox, movie star planet, anything like that? If so get her off it! If not then I wouldn't be too worried but I would be asking carefully questions about what might be being said at school and ensure she's not being influenced in that way.

I can't see where the outside influences would be coming from in terms of telling her to think a particular way.

It'll be coming from school, I'm afraid. I'd check what they are being taught. In some schools, kids are told that if they like 'boy stuff' that means they're not really girls. It's sexist nonsense, but it's what's being taught.

She's only 6 so of course just let her know she can wear whatever clothes she likes but she'll always be a girl and it's not possible to change that. But girls can do anything they like - maybe find some role models for her from fiction or history.

Sounds like me at that age. I mean I didn't actually say the words "I want to be a boy", but I nagged my mum to get my long hair cut nice and short and I always wore jeans, t shirts and trainers.

I was also constantly muddy and played games that were mostly considered 'boyish', especially in the 70s.

None of it caused my parents to have a second thought. 'Kids will be kids' was their mantra.

You'd be less bothered if it was yours too I think 🤷‍♀️

She has said she 'feels more like a boy'. She clams up when I try and draw out the conversation.

We don't push stereotypes at all, her younger brother frequently wants to wear dresses in the summer as he likes to twirl! And DS was playing with his cousin's new makeup pallet on Christmas Day, asking his cousin to put eyeshadow on him where DD didn't want anything (both things were fine by us!)

She sounds like my now-12 year old who hasn't worn a dress since 2015. She lives in football kit, has no interest in wearing make up etc.

She's a girl, it's an important part of her identity and she plays for a girls' football team.

She's being assessed for ASD, fwiw.

This. It’s more likely to be a sensory issue.

I note that your Dd says she wants to look like a boy but the title of your thread says she wants to be a boy. These are totally different things - which one is it ?

She has said she 'feels more like a boy'. She clams up when I try and draw out the conversation.

Why are you trying to 'draw out' a conversation?

Just let her be herself and stop the analysing.

Remind her that there’s no such thing as boys and girls clothes. Browse online to see what she’d like and order it.

No, no access to any of that. They're not allowed on YouTube. The only 'online' games she has are some which don't have any communication abilities.

Have you asked her why she’s feeling like this?

If I were in your position; I would let her dress the way she wants to.

I did that when I was a kid. refused to wear dresses, no pink or girlie stuff. Short hair. Being a boy was much more interesting, more fun. George from the Famous Five was my hero. 😀 I grew out of it.

Just go with it. Let her be how she wants to be. And don't worry.

I wanted to be a boy when I was younger
they didn’t have to faff around with their hair, no one expected them to look pretty or be quiet. I got on better with boys, and I didn’t care about the things girls were talking about or interested in (like makeup, or what boys they fancied etc)
the boys were allowed to be loud and run around and play football and wear comfier clothes and everyone treated them nicer - boys will be boys. And they got more recognition for the things I was just supposed to do, like be good at handwriting or sitting quietly without fidgeting etc. All things I struggled with!

I thought I could be trans when I learned about it. But it turns out I just didn’t want people to be sexist. I was a girl who liked football and had sensory issues and different interests and being a boy seemed easier