6yo DD wants to be a boy

[thefatpotato]

She's recently asked for a v short haircut, which we've gone ahead with. She has now said she won't wear dresses when school starts back as she 'wants to look like a boy'.

I've always been quite laid back about clothes being clothes, and I've always skewed away from things being 'girly' and 'for boys', but this has really thrown me for a loop. I have suspected for a while there is some neurodivergence going on so we will be seeking support with that.

I'm just flummoxed to be honest. She's a beautiful kid whose doing really well at school, and I want to support her her with style choices, but my brain is really rebelling against her saying she wants to look like a boy. Does anyone have any advice/has been through similar?

OP, think about it with 6yo eyes. She couldn't care less how she looks.

In boys clothes she can climb trees, roll around in the dirt, play football, cycle fast. In jeans and trainers she can get as muddy as she wants.

With short hair, she doesn't have to faff around with ribbons and baubles. Fewer knots, less brushing, infinitely more comfortable.

The only surprise is that all 6yos don't do this.

Thank you, I appreciate your comment.

I have. We have male friends who have long hair and like the odd bit of makeup/nail polish, lots of female friends who have very short hair and only wear docs and jeans. I think that's why I'm surprised she's saying she feels like a boy, rather than just wearing what she wants (as that's something I've always facilitated).

My daughter refused to wear dresses, skirts and tights from that age. (6)

She just prefers trousers.

She think dresses etc are stupid and you can't play as well in them.

I would just let her do and be exactly what she wants. She will probably find it's perfectly possible to be who she feels she is meant to be. She just needs some freedom from expectations. Life is easier for boys. They get to run around in comfy clothes being rude and waving sticks. I understand where she's coming from.

You say she likes things differently to the other girls

That is your social pressure right there
The other girls conform to a narrow definition of girl and that makes her uncomfortable

Having short hair etc is no issue, nor clothes. She can’t change sex to become a boy obvs but she can wear and do what she likes.

Are you focussed on it too much? I’d let her be if she doesn’t want to talk about it - as long as she knows she can’t be an actual boy

Let her wear what she wants. I had cropped hair and mostly 'boyish' clothes from that age, though contrary to what older relatives thought, I did wear dresses too! No need to make a big thing of it, that's just what she wants to wear. She will be mistaken for a boy all the time and it sounds like that's more of a challenge for you than it is for her, but you need to let go of worrying about that.

She sounds very similar to my DD! Her older nephew sent her his old football kit for her birthday and she was beside herself. She's on a girls football team so I'm glad she has that space.

She's very tall for her age and I've noticed just how awful a lot of the girls clothes are and tbh I wouldn't want to buy her anything from there! I do love dresses because I make them myself so they're big and flouncy and comfortable, with huge pockets. But most of my outfits are firmly on the more androgynous side.

I wish your Dd was in my Dds class!!

I would keep it light.

'you mean comfy clothes like this?'
'yes good choice, they'll be nice and warm for winter'.

Avoid the gender associations as much as possible. She's still so young.

I was very similar at the same age. Didn't like brushing my hair so had it cut short and would only water the hand me down clothes from my cousin. I didn't wear skirts or dresses for about a decade after that.
I was the classic tom boy, but very much not a boy!

Same! It's funny how DD's core group of friends are so incredibly girly, as their mums are all really good friends of mine and they are all very much into the grungy/androgynous aesthetic! And thankfully have been telling DD how awesome she looks with her short hair.

It could well be that her rejection of her girlfriends drama and flouncy outfits is resulting in a default ' feeling like a boy' because in her mind boys don't like those things therefore this feeling must be what it feels like being a boy.

The power of deduction so to speak especially as she's ND. She doesn't know how to say ' I dont like those things and that's ok'

Reinforce that it's ok, as you are already.

She can't feel like a boy because being a boy is not a feeling. Encourage her to be herself but keep it real.

Loads of great advice from pp. Girls can do anything they like, wear anything they like. Not all girls like the same things just as not all boys like the same things.

Encourage her to join activities she does enjoy, being active and in tune with her body.

10 years ago, my advice would have been to remind your child that there is no such thing as boy clothes or girl clothes and she can wear whatever she wants and style herself however she wants. She can play with who she wants and just be the person she is.

today, I know from experience with my own nd child that there will be reinforcement from peers and teachers that every choice a child makes has meaning. I wish I knew how to advise you on how to protect your child from those influences. I still believe you should allow her to make whatever choices she wants with regards to style and play. I still believe those choices are meaningless. I just recognize there are people on her life that are going to tell her otherwise.

you mean comfy clothes like this?'
'yes good choice, they'll be nice and warm for winter

Avoid the gender associations as much as possible. She's still so young

This is what I would do. Children strongly associate gender to certain things and in many ways are terrible conformists! It is part of them understanding themselves and the world. My DD rejected a black cardigan as a child because it's a 'boys cardigan '.
I'd just reinforce she can have her hair any way she wants and wear what she wants. Compliment how practical and comfortable the choices are and that short hair suits her, etc. Move away from describing things as boys/girls. Let her decide what she wants to look like.
My DD had long hair until she realised having short hair was much less trouble. She's in her teens now, hair shorter than ever, wears clothes she feels comfortable in and is still very much a girl, happy in her own skin. Her personal style is quite androgynous and suits her very well.

I have been through this word for word with one of my kids. For many years she was only friends with boys, wore boys clothes, played on a boys football team, had short hair and just wanted to be a boy. At no point did I ever suggest to her that she could be a boy, because she can’t. She is ASD and ADHD and was diagnosed in year 11.

she’s now 17. She has long hair, multiple piercings and favours crop tops and baggy jeans. She has some girl friends but is infinitely more comfortable with boys she has lost all of her love for football but still has no time for all the girl nonsense she has been around. For school she only wears skirts; the shorter and tighter the better.

i have asked her recently what she thinks drove her to only like “boy” things when she was younger and it was as others said. Easier, less boring, more comfortable. She also said she would have happily gone along the trans route as a small child if we had planted it in her head but now she’s older she is an individual, girl happy in her own skin.

DD, from the time that she could speak enough to express her opinion, wore only boys' clothes and shoes and had her hair cut very short. She said she wanted to be a boy when she grew up. We just went along with it, her hair and her clothes were her choice and we never made a big deal out of it. School were fine with her wearing trousers. It was a bit of a relief to have a very short hair cut for her as her hair is tricky and time-consuming to take care of. She mostly played with the boys at primary school and played football in the playground during breaks. She played football for a boys' team at her club (mostly because she has a foreign name and they thought she was a boy).

She's mid teens now and started wearing skirts for school uniform when she changed to secondary, her choice because they do allow the girls to wear trousers. Her hair is long now and she can care for it herself. She still plays football but for a girls' team. She mostly hangs out with girls. A lot of her friends dress in either tracksuits or body con dresses, she only wears tracksuits.

I would say, just let your DD do what she wants to and don't make a fuss about it or let anyone else make a fuss. If you don't make it clear as parents that she has autonomy over her own body, it's going to make it harder for her to do it when she's older.

There used to be a word for this, tomboy

Good opportunity to be ‘not all girls wear dresses’ etc.

I wanted to be a pony at that age!! Let her experiment, it’s not necessarily her wanting to change who she is.

Around the age of 5, I spent a month or two as a boy called Jim who wore his skirts tucked inside his knickers. Eventually my pal's Mum gave me a pair of his grey school shorts. Shortly after, I gave up being a boy.

Short hair and trousers will cause absolutely no emotional /social damage or confusion whatever. Just do it. If she wants to abbreviate her real name to something less gendered, just do it... when you remember.

You, and DD have many years yet to think about gender and sexuality before hormones get a vote.

Time will tell if it's just a passing whim like tapdancing or refusing to eat cabbage.
Time's on your side , just wait it out.

I never liked playing with dolls and was quite geeky playing pc games growing up with my dad.
I still had my stuffed unicorns though but never felt girly, never was really into makeup until my teens and as a girl not bothered about what I wore.. So I guess I was a bit of a tomboy.
I did feel like I identified more with boys growing up, but have come to realise I only felt that way as I wasnt a stereotype and didn't feel like I always fit in.
Now as an adult I definitely identify with being a woman and thank god back then I didn't have the trans brigade or weird parents to convince me otherwise.

My DD said she wanted to be a boy when she was 6 or 7. Her reason was that the boys could run faster. We had ongoing conversations about the differences between the sexes and she was told in no uncertain terms on frequent occasions that you cannot change your sex.
She still rejects anything she deems ‘girly’ but no longer says she wishes she could be a boy.
No older brothers or cousins influencing her, so I think it was, as a PP said, her picking up on how boys and girls are treated differently and how there is a focus on how girls look as opposed to what they achieve.
Check carefully what is in the PSHE at school as I withdrew my DD from seeing certain slides as I felt they reinforced gender stereotypes and ‘feeling like the opposite sex’ whatever that is meant to mean. I wasn’t confident it would be handled properly and would rather have those conversations at home where I know ridiculous ideas about being trans can’t be put into her head.

Honestly I think you're overthinking it. You have to remember that she just isn't aware of the politics and social issues that you are. For her, this isn't some loaded statement. It's a simple thing. I would just carry on doing what you're doing - letting her wear what she likes, reinforcing that there's no such thing as "boys clothes" or "girls clothes" and that both girls and boys can wear what they like and do whatever they like etc.

I think if you keep digging about why she's feeling this way, you are just going to blow it all up into a massive issue for her. It doesn't need to be. It's almost like you're trying to prompt her to have a conversation about gender identity and "what does it mean to feel like a boy, when she actually just likes the aesthetics or sensory experience of wearing stereotypically male clothes better and it's just not that deep for her.

I get why you're concerned but honestly I'd just take it at face value and crack on as normal.

I'd check who is advising your school on sex and relationship type education and what books are in their school library. Sometimes sex stereotypes are being pushed even at primary age schoolchildren.

Dont let her refer to clothes as boys clothes, maybe wear trousers yourself if you dont already do so. Clothing is just clothing, it doesnt have a sex and many adult women dont wear to wear pink and glitter. You need to show her role models who are women but not into stereotypes. Buy her Mary Wears What She Wants, written and illustrated by Keith Negley and some of these www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/entry/feminist-empowering-books-for-kids_uk_58cbc6dfe4b0be71dcf3a691

I live in jeans t shirts much more comfortable I’m 56 now no way am I wearing skirts as I get older.