6yo DD wants to be a boy

[thefatpotato]

She's recently asked for a v short haircut, which we've gone ahead with. She has now said she won't wear dresses when school starts back as she 'wants to look like a boy'.

I've always been quite laid back about clothes being clothes, and I've always skewed away from things being 'girly' and 'for boys', but this has really thrown me for a loop. I have suspected for a while there is some neurodivergence going on so we will be seeking support with that.

I'm just flummoxed to be honest. She's a beautiful kid whose doing really well at school, and I want to support her her with style choices, but my brain is really rebelling against her saying she wants to look like a boy. Does anyone have any advice/has been through similar?

This was me. From the age of about 4 I demanded short hair and boys clothes. I even tried to make people call me a boy's name for a while. It was my biggest wish to wake up a boy. My parents just went with the flow and didn't make a big deal of it. I carried on that way until I got to my early teens. I remember looking at a school photo of myself and feeling the usual pang of regret that I wasn't a boy, then for some reason a switch flicked one day and I suddenly felt happy and proud to be female for the first time ever. I'm still not a 'girly' person by any means and only wear dresses under duress but I'm a proud woman. I'm glad I grew up then and not now, when I suspect things could have turned out quite differently.

She can't know what it feels like to be a boy because she isn't one. Just let her wear what she wants and don't overthink it. She's a very young child.

If she’s autistic it might be she’s very black and white thinking. My dd is older (13) and autistic. Has very short hair and lives in dungarees and T-shirts. I hated dressed as a kid as well. If she’s surrounded by girls that do like dolls, pink etc she might be seeing a difference in that all the girls like that and she doesn’t and is thinking she likes more “boy things”. I’d keep subtly saying how clothes are clothes, give her access to lots of women/girls in books that have short hair, don’t conform to outdated stereotypes and on TV.

My dd (11) is similar.. plays for girls ' football and cricket teams; only wears shorts or trousers and shoes she can run in. She's had a very short Bob since she was about 6. She doesn't want to be a boy though,, we have had a lot of talks about this as she has an F to M classmate. She recently started her periods, and is fully accepting of that. She just likes short hair and unfussy clothes; a bit like me.

I'm sorry, but I'm allowed to be a bit confused as to why my DD, whom until recently was happy in dresses and refused to hair her very long hair cut, has now done an about face and saying she wants to look like a boy.

I wouldn't be bothered if it was about comfort, but it's the specificness of saying she wants to look like a boy I am struggling with.

I think you are doing everything right, OP. Let her dress how she wants and just keep gently emphasising that she is a girl dressing how she wants.

I sometimes tell my two little stories about stereotypes people used to believe about boys and girls and how silly they are (like when women couldn't vote, be a doctor or wear trousers).

I also try to show them GNC women as role models (though that is getting harder). I praise them when they dress in sensible ways or act in a none stereotypical manner and tell off anyone who comments on what they should wear/do.

Just keep banging that 'girls can dress and act however they want' drum.

In my DS's class, several girls wear their hair really short and choose the girls' trouser option for their uniform - they are some of the cooler and sportier girls. Presumably she is allowed to wear trousers at school?

I agree that rather than trying to draw out a conversation I'd just try and accommodate her clothing wishes and say you're here if she needs to chat or if anything at school is worrying her.

This was me! I remember being v upset that my parents wouldn't let me have my hair like George. The boys could be altar boys too and they used to be allowed in the field to play. Being a girl was just a bit...crap. I also didn't really 'get' girl things.

Luckily, I came into my teen years during the grunge years, where we all had long hair and looked like scruffs, followed by the Britpop era where everyone had shortish hair.... and looked like scruffs.

She's saying she wants to look like a boy because she only sees boys her age wearing the clothes/styles she likes.

Once she's a bit older she'll see all the girls who dress (comfortably and practical) is less faffy "feminine" styles and it won't be an issue.

Are you sad you won't be able to o dress her up like a cutesy doll? Just buy her some joggers and let her get on with it.

If you subscribe to the "only boys dress this way" then frankly, you are part of the problem.

I had a pixie cut hated knots and my mother struggling to comb out. Wore shorts in summer and trousers in winter much warmer. Had two brothers so did boys things like fishing, cycling, roller skating.

Didn't change until my teens when school discos etc started. Even now I'm dressed comfortably at home. Can knock it out for an event though.

Luckily married a sailor who was more interested in how I cleaned a boat and caught a fish 😅

Tell her girls can wear what they like and do what they like. She might run up against sexed uniform rules (girls/skirts, boys/trousers) but otherwise it's not a problem.

When she says she wants to boy, say, 'OK, why?' and don't make it more complex than that. If she gets to the stage (years in) where she wants hormones or surgery, refuse. Flatly.

I think if you stay calm and don't take too much obvious interest, she'll get over it.

But watch for influences. Access to tiktok would be a mistake.

If you look at class photos from the 70s/80s and 90s many many girls had short hair! Why are girls being brought up to think you're a boy of you want your hair cut short?!

This is what I'm wondering too. Her female friends at school are very girly and there's started being a bit more 'drama' from that group, which DD isn't at all interested in.

There's nothing to 'struggle' with here.

You seem to be trying to find something 'strange' about what is a completely normal thing for many little girls.

DD went through a phase a little younger than that of saying she would be a boy when she was older (influenced mainly by having an older bother I think) and was irate when told they girls don't grow into boys, as she really hadn't realised this. She really embraced the identity of being a tomboy though - a girl who liked doing "boy things" - She was young in her year at school and found the girls a bit sophisticated and hard work, preferring the more physical play of the boys. She dressed in a boyish style until around 10 when she started fitting in a bit more easily with the girls (plus development of breasts started making the boys rough play harder) . She's 19 now and still has as many male as female friends, mostly wears practical, boyish clothing but very much comfortable in her own skin with no desire to "be" a boy at all.

I know some people feel that "tomboy" is a rather outdated term, but it was so helpful to DD to have a word to express what she was back then in a flexible kind of way, and to grow out of it as much or as little as she needed to.

She clams up when I try and draw out the conversation

Stop having the conversations, provide a shorts/trousers version of uniform in time for the start of school, let her choose her own haircut without comment, and just leave it be for a while.

She can have her hair how she wants and wear whatever clothes she likes. She can't change into a boy but she can do all the things boys do.

My cousin wanted to be a boy at that age. She's now a grown woman, and a mother, living a happy life, she just isn't a fan of dresses and likes football.

I've got an almost 5-year-old boy who frequently says he wants to be a girl. This seems to be mainly because he has an older sister he idolises and he wants to play with girls at school, but they only want to play with other girls.

As I'm very aware of gender ideology, I make sure to tell him that he can never be a girl but he can wear or do what he wants. So every time he says it, I just say that he'll always be a boy and that can't change. This isn't in a telling-off kind of way, just matter of fact. I've asked him what a girl can do that he can't do. He can never answer it.

So he wears play make-up and nail varnish with his sister, he wears his sister's pink hat to school. I make sure to let him know that the boys at school will probably say something about wearing pink, and he just needs to tell them he likes it so he wore it. Stuff like that.

Just keep repeating that she can't be a boy, but wearing and playing what she wants is just fine. That there's no single way of being a girl, it's just a matter of the bits you are born with, everything else is purely personality.

Of course you are. And I also think there’s nothing wrong with speaking to her about this in an age appropriate way. You need to get an idea of what HER idea of ‘being a boy’ is.

My six year old is the same. She has brothers and all her friends are boys. She has her own style and mainly shops from boys dept.
A huge part of the issue as I see it is how many of the girls in her peer group present as a bit of a exaggeration of childhood gender at that age. Lots of dresses, (mums mainly in trousers), pink, glitter, lots of gendered role play etc.

We were shopping the other day and she pulled me to a screeching halt outside a sports shop with a huge poster of a young woman in sports gear holding a football. She just pointed and said ‘this mummy’! to me. She wears biker boots and checked shirts and tee shirts with horses. Totally her own person.
She is one of two girls in her football club. She also loves musical theatre and horses, but stands firm against all the ‘girly’ bits. She doesn’t understand why girls are so ‘girly’ as she puts it. It’s hard to play football in a dress…
I feel for her. It’s so much easier when your older. I hope she finds her tribe, but for now she feels like the odd one out. We work hard at showing her the amazing breadth of what it means to be human and what it means and doesn’t mean to be female. I hope she can remain confident in who she is, but judging by what her teen siblings are facing just now she might have a tough road. It’s a worry.

My 10yo niece has not wanted to wear stereotypically girls clothing since the age of 2.5. She wears ‘boys’ school uniform and shoes and does not own a dress. She used to say she wanted to be a boy, she would try and wee standing up, all her little avatars on online games are boys and she once said she wasn’t happy with what she saw in the mirror. My sister has let her cut her hair, bought the clothing she wants etc. she’s 10 now and recently discovered the girls section of the clothing shop. She was thrilled with some baggy ripped jeans and a hoody- didn’t even mind it was on the girls section. She has grown her hair long again. She likes lol dolls, Harry Potter, reading, sport and drawing. She is beginning to make friends with girls in school instead of just boys. Maybe she’ll get more girly as she gets older, maybe not who knows or cares. She is happy with what she sees in the mirror these days.

what I’m saying is just go with it. It’s perfectly fine to be a girl who likes having short hair, wearing typically boy clothes, being friends with boys and enjoying cars, football etc. sometimes girls don’t realise this and think they need to be a boy to enjoy all of these things. It might be a phase it might not. Just go with it and don’t make a big deal and see how she goes.

She is allowed to wear trousers, but we haven't found any in the high street she feels comfortable in because of her sensory needs.

Let her. Short hair is easier to manage and boys' clothes are probably more comfortable. Don't think or say anything else about it.

My DD said this to me at about the same age. Now 14. Looking back it was just because she'd starting noticing how males are treated differently and more positively in society. She had started to realise she didn't want to be all "pink" and girly was all - she just wanted to be herself which was and is unfussy and not traditionally "girly" as society sees it.

She refused to wear skirts/dresses from that age too and has always worn trousers/shorts since.

I informed her (in an age appropriate way) that it was impossible to change sex and she would always be female. However, she could wear, be, do whatever as she would always be just her.

Fast forward to her now at 14 and all is fine. Doesn't buy into gender woo. Perfectly happy being female and her rather straightforward self. Still would never go near a dress, make up etc which is of course fine!

I'm sure m n s do a sensory range of clothing for children. Might be only on their website