Teaching toddler non-binary pronouns without teaching gender stereotypes - help!

[Glycerinstrawberry]

My 3 year old is largely using sexed pronouns correctly, with the odd mistake, however two of her older cousins identify as non-binary and I'm really struggling how to explain their pronouns!

The family will want me to tell her that her cousins are neither boys nor girls, and thus use they/them, but my daughter can see that they are female and I don't want to be on her case correcting her when she's actually not making a linguistic mistake, it will upset her confidence and I feel like I'd be gaslighting her.

She knows the difference between boys and girls, I don't know how I can tell her they are neither without throwing that all into confusion and using stereotypes (which we avoid naturally).

Any tips? So far it's been largely avoided as she doesn't talk about them much, they are both early 20s but have not flown the nest and still come to all family things so it won't be an infrequent problem.

I think this is awful.

Everyone has a sex. If your child says what she sees with her eyes then she's not being impolite. They are in their 20s they should realise that this concept is too difficult for a toddler and get over themselves.

Call them by name maybe?
It is like gaslighting which is challenging for children when you are asking them to deny what they can see.

Just don't.

You use the pronouns they want when talking to them or about them.

It's too much for a 3yo to grasp.

Most are still learning to get he/she his and hers right and not call the shopkeeper mummy and the nursery teacher dad

If anyone takes offence at a small child misgendering them, they’re the one with the problem.

They haven't been in a hurry to get over themselves so far! To be clear I don't have any problem with her saying what she sees, I wanted to approach it similarly to religion ie 'some people believe' but she is too young for that currently, she won't understand.

I

Use they/them when you talk about them, or just their names and she will eventually follow suit.

If anyone complains explain that she's 3! They need to be realistic in their expectations.

Absolutely no way would i confuse my toddler by trying to explain non-binary to them. They say what they see. If the 20 year olds cant cope with that that is their issue.

I also don't think they'll be annoyed with her, I think the problem will come from me not correcting her. I am also scared they will correct her and she will come to me for clarification that can't be given!

Don't bother explaining it to her. Let her use sex based pronouns. The 'non-binaries' will just have to get over themselves.

Just sometimes, a small child's logic far exceeds that of many adults.

I think your family need to accept the fact that your child is only 3 years old and won't understand it all.

Will there be many occasions where they will hear her referring to them by any pronoun? I'd just use their name as much as possible and not worry about it. It's a fad which hopefully will pass in the next few years.

Don't allow them to correct her. They're grown adults and she's your child, don't let them gaslight her. If they have a problem then stand up to them and tell them to get a grip.

^^This!

And if anyone complains, just say breezily, “oh dear! Well, she’s really too young to understand that, of course”, and leave it at that. Young women in their 20s should be finding better things to do with their time than worrying about what pronouns a toddler uses.

I wouldn’t have this conversation with my 9 year old let alone that age. Nope.

She’s 3. You don’t need to teach anything. Sorry but if they’re twenty now they might well not stay ‘non binary’ for the rest of their days.

As a small child has no concept of the social construct of “gender”, she is using sex based pronouns.

they need to have tolerance and understanding of this.

You're right, I think I'll have to pick a time to pre-empt this situation and explain that I won't tell her she's wrong and they won't either.

Given I have gone along with their pro-nouns myself I will assert this as a give and take.

When she was born only one of them was non-binary and I thought it would have gone away by now! But surgery and hormones are imminent so I do need an action plan to protect my child.

This is a good line to explain to them, thanks.

There's no conversation you can have that she is going to understand - and she certainly isn't going to remember to use the correct pronouns no matter how many times you tell her. Who can be arsed to keep up with all that nonsense even as an adult. Let them tie themselves up in knots trying to explain it, she'll probably just be a bit confused, get quickly bored and go off to do something much more fun than navel gazing. Then you can just shrug your shoulders and move on yourself.

I don't see what's wrong with being factual - when cousin X was born, doctors and her parents thought she was a girl and she was called she. When she got to a certain age cousin x decided it was more comfortable to be called they, and to say they are not a girl or a boy but something in between. People have different ideas about whether everyone has to be either a girl or a boy, but we love cousin x so we'll use they because we don't want cousin x to be upset. When you grow up, you can decide what you think about this for yourself.

Basically the same script I follow when DC ask me anything about religion. Person Y believes this, people disagree about it but we don't need to be rude to them, you can decide about things for yourself when you're older.

But surgery and hormones are imminent

Sorry I'm going off point. But why would a non binary person need surgery and hormones?

Surgery is imminent? At twenty? Really…

This is a 3 year old.

We don't have to impose quasi religious beliefs on them.

Why are they having surgery and hormones if they're non binary, surely they must be trans if they want to change gender? They sound very, very confused...

Also your dd is going to be even more confused if they change gender and then decide to change their pronouns again.