Teaching toddler non-binary pronouns without teaching gender stereotypes - help!

[Glycerinstrawberry]

My 3 year old is largely using sexed pronouns correctly, with the odd mistake, however two of her older cousins identify as non-binary and I'm really struggling how to explain their pronouns!

The family will want me to tell her that her cousins are neither boys nor girls, and thus use they/them, but my daughter can see that they are female and I don't want to be on her case correcting her when she's actually not making a linguistic mistake, it will upset her confidence and I feel like I'd be gaslighting her.

She knows the difference between boys and girls, I don't know how I can tell her they are neither without throwing that all into confusion and using stereotypes (which we avoid naturally).

Any tips? So far it's been largely avoided as she doesn't talk about them much, they are both early 20s but have not flown the nest and still come to all family things so it won't be an infrequent problem.

Oh please. Whatever next. Penis - male. Vagina - female.
Christ I’m glad I’m old - this shit does my head in.

Why would you teach your child to lie? Small children can be brutally honest and any adult who gets upset over a three year old misgendering them needs to give thier head a wobble.

If it was me I would distance myself from those relatives, I wouldn't want my DCs being influenced by them, especially if your child is in any way gender non conforming.

It's not factual though. I'm assuming cousin was born with a vulva so there was no 'thinking they were a girl' they are a girl.

As adults they can get over a 3 year old misgendering some one. My 3 year old constantly gets it wrong but she's 3. She's learning.

One things she does know though is that girls have a vulva and boys have a penis.

I agree, she's 3 and she can say what she sees. If they are still "they" in a few years when she's old enough to understand, you can update her.

In the meantime, human children learn to identify safety and threats in the world around them, and to tell her a man is a woman, vice versa or neither isn't good.

Just tell them that she expressed her intention to use sex based pronouns rather than gender based. "She told me last week "dear mama, I wish to adopt sex based pronouns in my social interactions" and as I'm child-led I need to let her express herself like this as I'm sure you understand"

I don't know, it's top surgery and testosterone to look less feminine, the thinking behind it is very faulty to me (idea of male as default) but they are adults so...

love this

God I could weep for what this ideology is doing to girls and young women.

Thank you everyone, I didn't know if I was going to be slaughtered here or not. I will defend her in using the appropriate pronouns and explain to them that she is not to be corrected. They can do with that what they will.

I 100% agree with you.

So many similarities to The Emporer’s New Clothes…. Children speak truth!

@lifeturnsonadime It's not imposing quasi religious beliefs. It's teaching them that people have different ideas but we treat others with respect.

I remember with 3yo DD - why do grandparents have a nativity crib, crucifixes, go to church etc. I didn't feel the need to tell her they have a belief system built on medieval misogyny, control of the poor, guilt and shame etc. It was enough to say it's something they believe in and she can decide for herself when she's older, and that she should be respectful handling those things. I don't think you're imposing anything by saying that. Same goes with this situation. Cousin wants to be called this, so we will.

I couldn't get worked up about it and I wouldn't be teaching a 3 year old about pronoun preferences.

It's teaching them that people have different ideas but we treat others with respect

How about the adults treating the toddler with respect by not asking her to lie about their sex?

I don't know, it's top surgery and testosterone to look less feminine, the thinking behind it is very faulty to me (idea of male as default) but they are adults so...

This is a depressing read.

They may be adults but they have cognitive issues if they think lopping off breasts validates a non-binary identity.

I'm starting to think the entire movement is femalephobic in its nature: it's either offensive woman-face or butchering perfectly normal and healthy breasts.

Bottom line: being a woman is either shit or Dylan Mulvaney.

Agree.

I've been out many times with small children who have misgendered adults who are clearly male or female. The adults have just smiled at the kid when the kid has loudly realised their mistake.

Unless they are planning to do the complete excision of all external sex organs and characteristics? ( yes, really, look it up but not before breakfast). Though then you wouldn’t need hormones except possibly to counterbalance your natal ones.

at the risk of being moderated, OP, I don’t think your child misgendering them is the worst thing to be concerned about in their contact.

I'm starting to think the entire movement is femalephobic in its nature: it's either offensive woman-face or butchering perfectly normal and healthy breasts.

Agree. You don't see non binary males lining up to get castrated. The most they tend to do is die their hair blue.

This is the most batshit thread I've read in a while! She's 3 fgs..... By the time she's 5 the pronouns/identity fad will be over.

If the cousins wish to medically self-harm, that's one thing. If they want to refer to themselves in a particular way, they can. Demanding a 3 year old (or anyone) lies and pretends not to see who they are is not acceptable.

Protect your child from the head-fuckery. Do not let them tell your kid off. Do not talk about "correct pronouns". Nothing correct about it. Stand firm. It does not make you, or a child, mean or phobic.

My 5 year old niece constantly 'misgenders' people. Because she's 5 and learning. None of us get upset that she mixes them up, the same person can be he and she in one sentence.

I'd just refer to the cousins as they/them and your DD will eventually pick it up.

Very depressing though that NB = male presenting.

Why can't you just say that the cousins prefer "they/them" ? Gender doesn't even have to come into it. I would also totally defend your DD if they try to correct her, forced speech and gaslighting children feels all kinds of wrong to me. But I would still use their preferred pronouns myself, and if DD asks, tell her that cousin <whoever> just prefers that.

I would do sweet fuck all and let your DD just crack on. If anyone tries to correct her (as in wants your DD think like they do) I'd be reminding them she's only a kid and she's too young to understand all that stuff yet

We had a family holiday recently with a couple of theys in attendance. The younger children in the group absolutely revelled in shouting ‘Hey Max, my mum/brother/whoever just misgendered you!’ whenever anyone slipped up. The non-binary youth eventually just had to say that they really didn’t care.

I'm starting to think the entire movement is femalephobic in its nature: it's either offensive woman-face or butchering perfectly normal and healthy breasts.

Absolutely.