Niece misbehaves and sister excuses her behaviour

[Busybee140]

I have a 2 year old. My sisters dd is nearly 3. My sister’s dd has bitten, hit, head butted, thrown toys at my lo. She’s not very good at sharing either. My sister attempts to discipline her, but it’s very inconsistent and often appears to be received from my niece as attention (possibly positive reinforcement). Her husband is less than useless. I’ve tried to offer suggestions on a consistent, more effective way of discipline without wanting to sound like a know it all, I know I don’t. I know my mum thinks discipline methods are not ideal, but we are an anti-conflict family, so it results in my mum being subtle and ignored and me biting off my tongue. Rather interestingly she often preaching her parenting methods to me.
I know my sister loves my lo and feels bad, but I find it infuriating when over the years my sister has made excuses for her daughter’s bad behaviour. (E.g. tired, teething, over excited, an accident the list goes on). It’s my baby who is hurt and her making excuses makes it feel like she is not taking it as seriously as she should and it makes me feel worse.
They will be spending less time together because my niece will be starting nursery in January. I wished I said something sooner like last year, although would this have changed anything? Now I don’t know whether to see what things are like once she starts nursery or whether to say something the next time it happens. My sister is really difficult to communicate with so I know saying something will end in a massive row, but I don’t want my lo to keep on getting hurt and I don’t want my lo to pick up my niece’s bad behaviour (we have been lucky she hasn’t so far). What should I do? Does anyone have any similar experience they can share?

Your sister's child is still a baby ! All she can do is to distract her when she wants to hit your child.
You are talking as if she is much older when in reality they are both just babies !

You may find when your niece starts nursery her behaviour is picked up by staff and flagged to her parents. If she has been allowed to hit, bite and throw things at other kids it's likely to happen in nursery to.

I would just keep my distance. If your sister won't deal with her child's unacceptable behaviour then you have no choice but to protect your child from it which can mean staying away. It's quite sad but unless the child's behaviour is addressed this will be a common occurrence in her childhood.

I am not saying this as a parent who believes her children are perfectly behaved. My oldest DC was a nightmare at points. He used to hit, bite etc in nursery but the difference being it was addressed and dealt with everytime. He learned not to behave like that.

My middle DC was on the recieving end of a child with similar behaviour (both ages 5) and I banned him going near this child and had him put in a different class from him in year 2. This child's parent never addressed there behaviour and it's still unacceptable.

Your sister's child is 2, you're being ridiculous. Even perfectly parented 2yr olds "misbehave" - it's completely developmentally appropriate.

'over the years' you mean the two years your child has been alive, she's two - discipline doesn't register, i love how you call your two year old is 'your baby' but her two year old is apparently the devil incarnate

You can’t be serious op. The child is 2. What sort of punishment are you envisaging?

but I find it infuriating when over the years my sister has made excuses for her daughter’s bad behaviour

what are you on about, it’s two two year olds

Easy you just step in and swoop your child away

id not comment on her parenting tbh

You cant really discipline a baby that age. DS used to be very rough. He hit and pushed other kids when he didnt get his way. I obviously told him off everytime, but it didnt do anything. The only thing that worked, was to always be ready and faster than him.
My friends poor DD was often the victim and she kept telling me all the things im doing wrong..
Forward 2 years and we both had our second children. Mine a complete angel, hers a little piranha biting constantly for about 2 years. Again, nothing worked, except anticipating in and pulling them apart before it happened.
some kids are just easier to handle than others, doesnt mean the mother os doing a better job 🤷🏻‍♀️

if she has a biter your sister needs to be on the ball and watching to remove her daughter before the behaviour happens. I would also do time out with an almost 3 year old and attention goes to your daughter. At almost 3 most children have a greater understanding and are growing out of biting.

Stop commenting on her parenting.

Always make sure you are nearer to your child than your niece is. Use your body to block any contact. If you leave the room then so does your child.

Almost 3 isn’t a baby, it’s almost pre-school
age. Children start school at 4!

Is it just me or are there a lot really silly pointless threads on here today again.....

Thank you for your reply. They are both extremely young still, I agree. I completely love my niece 100% I just don’t want my LO to keep on getting hurt, when perhaps a little more consistency from my sister could stop it, my niece is incredibly smart and knows what no, stop etc. means I totally appreciate it might not stop.
Also, the nursery I’ve picked for my LO as well as where my older child went do have behavioural expectations, even at this young age. My niece is going to a nursery in January and I don’t envisage them saying to the parents of a child that gets hurt, bitten etc. frequently that they are all still babies and it just continues for the full duration of their attendance at nursery. In addition at what point should it be addressed, school? I don’t mean to sound argumentative but I have concerns for my niece too. I don’t want her to be unsettled if the nursery won’t keep her there if it becomes problematic there too. I know kids will be kids but when you love the kids in question you want to think that all possible solutions have been explored.

I know you want to look out for your niece but you can't, not without her parents permission. And you don't have it. Concentrate on your child.

Thanks @Fundays12 you have summed up the situation I’m after perfectly here. It’s the consistent addressing of the situation that I would hope would make a difference. Mine are certainly not angels, all kids have their moments, but I try to consistently address what they shouldn’t be doing.
I think you’re probably right about letting the nursery potentially address it with my sister if it proves an issue there too. Think I’m probably struggling with the mum guilt of not saying anything sooner.

If she’s biting, snatching and hitting you absolutely can and should discipline. I don’t know what people think the word ‘discipline’ means but a 2 year old is not a baby - they are learning and modelling like sponges at that age and the sooner the parent models and encourages good behaviour the better. ‘Discipline’ therefore at this age means: praising and being demonstrative for good behaviour, anticipating issues and distracting, and encouraging them to be gentle and kind around others. So in other words - actual parenting.

I don’t know posters on this thread mean when they say she’s too young. Maybe they think all children should just left to be emotionally unregulated biters and hitters. 🙄

Sounds like you’re really overthinking this. It’ll be a phase and may well be one your own child ends up going through!

@MolliciousIntent thanks for your response. My sister’s child is 3 and imminently starting nursery, my youngest is 2. I appreciate that all kids have their moments and none are perfect. This is an ongoing issue with my child being hurt on a number of occasions. I don’t think it’s ridiculous to want to explore avenues of how this might prevented or at least reduced. I don’t think they are going to get along perfectly all the time. I know how these relationships go with growing up with siblings and cousins close in age, but I don’t think anyone likes to see their LO on the receiving end of what could be potentially addressed by the parent.

@lailamaria, yes, it’s been over a year, therefore years (plural). I love my niece and no where have I said she is the devil incarnate. I thought it was clear from my post that it was my opinion that the inconsistent approach my sister takes to dealing with the issue is what I felt needed to be addressed here. Kids will have their moments I totally get that. Also, yes my 2 year old is still my baby. Referring to my LO as my baby does not sleight my relationship with my niece.

I disagree that 2 year olds (nearly 3 as you say in your post) is "still a baby" and "can't be disciplined". By that age they should know full well what's right and what's wrong! Your sister will be in for the shock of her life when her daughter starts nursery as the nursery staff will no doubt flag it with her. And if not them, most likely other parents will!

@Coffeetableposhbooks my niece is 3. I’m not envisaging any punishment, my post referred to discipline, I don’t believe punishment and discipline are synonymous. I mean consistently and firmly saying ‘no’/‘we don’t [insert bite, head butt, whatever here’]. Not only sometimes doing this and sometimes doing things like asking my niece ‘what happened, did you get overexcited?/are you tired?/are your teeth hurting?’ My niece is smart and can comprehend when she is being told not to do something especially in the last 12 months or so. Can I ask at what age do you think babies/toddlers/children should be told not to hit, bite etc.? I’m genuinely interested as there seems to be a few comments on this thread that suggest that because they are babies nothing can/should be done or anything you do won’t work anyway.

@Quitelikeit we are extra vigilant now whenever they are together. The biting has significantly reduced since we have intervened and there has only been a couple of near misses that we have thankfully caught in time. It is hard when my LO doesn’t understand why she is being swooped away from the toys or whatever they are doing at the time, but obviously a lot better than her being physically hurt.

I get it’s totally sensitive commenting on someone else’s parenting style and coincidentally my sister has regularly given unsolicited advice to me. I take it with a pinch of salt for the sake of an easy life. In my experience arguing with her doesn’t get me anywhere. I absolutely love her, but it’s just we have very differing personalities. The only thing I have said when she’s extensively explained the reasons for my niece biting or whatever as I am nursing my upset LO is ‘could you try saying we don’t do that’ but it appears to fall on deaf ears.
It’s absolutely up to my sister how to parent her LO totally get that. It’s just really hard when you feel as though something could save your LO from hurt and upset. I totally get it might not work. My brother was a biter and it was a nightmare for a good couple of years.

Your OP said 2. Your sister is trying. If you don't think she's doing a good enough job, then don't hang out with her kid, surely?

@Mumoffairy I understand that all kids are different and have their moments. I’m certainly not saying that my sister is an inferior or worse parent in anyway. I’m sure your friend found comfort in you attempting to ‘tell him off’ even if it didn’t work. I feel as though for some children it might work at least in some part and would like if at all possible for my child to be saved from at least some of the hurt and upset.

@BungleandGeorge thanks for your reply. It’s nice to have someone agree. My oldest is quite a bit older so I sometimes feel a bit out of touch with my LO. I do feel that it has to be addressed consistently at the earliest possible opportunity and I’m genuinely interested when some on the thread have suggested it’s to young, when they would start addressing it.