Child being horrid on WhatsApp

[MattHancockmole]

What would you do? There have been low level fall outs between my year 6 son and friends on WhatsApp before and my DS had counselling as he's been feeling very down about himself and I think he tries to "fit into" this group of cool boys but they're not doing him any good. He's funny and kind but a bit of a doormat to them.
He's just got new trainers (via Vinted but they don't know that ). They love their brands and parents have more money than me but these are like new and DS has said he's had them a while but not worn to school to explain any wear and tear (minimal ).
They've called his shoes fake and tonight it's escalated on WhatsApp with one kid saying they're shit and "where have you been in those shit shoes " etc etc. another has defended my son to be told "Fuck you". They're 10!! I've put this here as I'm feeling so shit for him and not looking for AIBU type "you're a snowflake " "stop worrying" "boys will be boys" as DS is crying. He also says the boy will hit him for snitching if I say anything and doesn't want me to do anything.
Now I've always said to him about bullying to come to me, tell me and I will deal with it. I've read too much about bullying and victims suffering in silence to let it go. I'd rather nip it in the bud now.
My question is would you tell the mum( who I get on pretty well with )?. Would you want to know if your son was frightening other kids / swearing at them? Or would you say leave the WhatsApp group and try to ignore them and find other friends. Easier said than done. This isn't meant to be a drip feed. This boy and his cohort have been nasty to DS before and I've let it go. Gah. My poor boy.

Oh poor your little boy. This sounds awful. I don’t think it’s something that will “blow over” like your DH said, but a bad case of bullying.

I think some other posters upthread said that this needs to be taken to the school - I absolutely agree. DON’T speak to the parents - they’re too emotionally invested and they may not believe you and it could make things worse. But I can’t stress enough how important it is that you go to the school.

Does he have any nice friends? I think you said he might go to a different secondary to this group. If things don’t get better and the school don’t sort it out, I would look at your options of moving him now, to be honest. Maybe to a primary that lots going to the secondary you imagine he’ll to to are at? I wouldn’t want to stay at school with bullies.

Op,have you had an opportunity to read my response?
I'd love to hear from you.

@Chattycathydoll
YYY, agree.
At least with the phone the child has proof of the abuse.

And it's not as if bullying started the minute phones became a thing.

I'd want to know if DS was being mean to someone 100%.

Hope your boy feels better soon x

Exactly!
Back in my day () it was all about blackberries and BBM. If you didn’t have a blackberry you couldn’t be on BBM, and BBM chats were where it all happened. Ironically given the bullying was about being poor, me not having a blackberry was ‘proof’ I was poor as well as every other reason to be bullied. Nerdy, ugly, fat, weird clothes, if you’re a target bullies will find a reason.

"Why can't parent properly/ sloppy parenting/ your child has a phone- what the fuck "
All of this is TOO LATE. It's just sticking the knife into already stabbed flesh so please stop with the pile on. Or go ask someone in a distressing relationship/ partnership "why did you marry/ get with this man?" Because it's the same sort of thing. Not helpful and adds to the hurt.
I've removed the phone while I ponder my options. He did originally face time and use my phone to speak to friends but as time went by and we were isolated for longer and longer we decided to put a cheap SIM in an old phone and let him use it himself (under parental controls and time limits and not alone ). But I'm done with trying to defend my decision as it's clearly gone tits up for me.
I've decided to contact school with rough details about WhatsApp as a reminder that it's not ok to use in this way - FWIW I spoke to a RL friend earlier who said school's view is that they know it will be used but give advice and reminders on how to use it safely.
I'm also pondering a quick message to say "DS was upset last night so I checked his phone and it was a bit nasty on the group".
I'll bow out now before I hand myself in to SS as irresponsible, feckless and unable to parent. Congratulations to those who never made a mistake. Must be great. Thanks to all those with sympathy and virtual ears and eyes who have helped me navigate a very stressful event.

How was your DS this morning? As I said in my previous reply to you, my daughter went through very very similar.

She ended up having to leave her school which sounds drastic but she was desperately unhappy and the bullying ended up continuing.

Any update OP?
How's your DS?

He was a lot better yesterday and they let him play at school (despite me saying avoid them) I know the welfare person at school and he says they're ready to leave by year 6 and he sees a few arguments. I've not told the mum. Really deliberated about it but not done it yet. WhatsApp deleted and I may block the numbers for the kid involved. Thanks for checking in

You should definitely tell the mum!!!
Ignore the holier than thou parents.
Sorry he is going through a hard time :(

How is he now OP? x