Child being horrid on WhatsApp

[MattHancockmole]

What would you do? There have been low level fall outs between my year 6 son and friends on WhatsApp before and my DS had counselling as he's been feeling very down about himself and I think he tries to "fit into" this group of cool boys but they're not doing him any good. He's funny and kind but a bit of a doormat to them.
He's just got new trainers (via Vinted but they don't know that ). They love their brands and parents have more money than me but these are like new and DS has said he's had them a while but not worn to school to explain any wear and tear (minimal ).
They've called his shoes fake and tonight it's escalated on WhatsApp with one kid saying they're shit and "where have you been in those shit shoes " etc etc. another has defended my son to be told "Fuck you". They're 10!! I've put this here as I'm feeling so shit for him and not looking for AIBU type "you're a snowflake " "stop worrying" "boys will be boys" as DS is crying. He also says the boy will hit him for snitching if I say anything and doesn't want me to do anything.
Now I've always said to him about bullying to come to me, tell me and I will deal with it. I've read too much about bullying and victims suffering in silence to let it go. I'd rather nip it in the bud now.
My question is would you tell the mum( who I get on pretty well with )?. Would you want to know if your son was frightening other kids / swearing at them? Or would you say leave the WhatsApp group and try to ignore them and find other friends. Easier said than done. This isn't meant to be a drip feed. This boy and his cohort have been nasty to DS before and I've let it go. Gah. My poor boy.

This ^^^. Its very good advice.

Send the school screenshots and ask explain your DS is worried about retaliation for reporting the bullying. Any one of the boys could have reported it- it's not just your DS who has been targeted by the sounds of it, and another parent could have seen it and thought it was inappropriate anyway.

The school will want to know what is going on and will have strategies to help.

I wouldn't inform the other parent directly- there's too much risk of it all blowing up in your face.

In terms of friendships- this time next year he'll be in secondary and far more likely to be able to find his tribe.

Why does a 10 yo have WhatsApp? Get him off it. Why does he even need a phone?

I've just checked and its 16

Phone is in charge and o my being given back when it's taken off
In a answer to why he has a phone, he had it earlier than planned due to lockdown and was a lifeline for him but fo I regret it now ? Yes. On the flip side though I was reading someone posting about same age group and many other posters said year 5 and 6 mostly walk to snd from school alone- so freedom but a different kind. I'm allowing one walk home a week where I track him on the phone and he can ring me if needed so it's swings and roundabouts on pros and cons of phones
I'll be doing some research into family controls. We have a family set up on iPhones which DH controls. I'll get him on to it
Thank you to those with kind words.

What awful children bullying your son and saying those things at that age as well. Poor thing. I would strongly suggest you inform the school as they need to put a stop to this.

But the freedom to walk home is a useful skill, and a significant step towards independence. Being free to do whatever he wants on a phone has few positive benefits and is just going to mean he is exposed to all kinds of horrible things at far
Too young an age. I don't think the two things are comparable.

Can’t do right for doing wrong as a well meaning parent, as the sanctimonious crew are out to prove.

FYI to all those: I’m a young mum, phones were very much a thing when I was in school, and I was mercilessly bullied and left out for NOT having one and NOT being on social media.

You’re responding just as you should be, OP. Comforting him and seeking to address with the parents sounds the right path. Also, reminding him it’s year 6, he’ll be in a new school next year with a whole new group of people. Plenty of new friends to make- and on their way to maturity they’ll grow out of this crap too.

He's not "free to do whatever he wants "

Raise at school they shouldn't be on what's app we have had something recently from school to say this. Its cyber bullying you need to deal with it school should really have all parents in. You could contact the Mum if you think she will be open to that. The Mums in my DS class also Y6 would be horrified if this was their kid.

This is classic y6 WhatsApp shittiness. It is horrible and school will be interested and help. They will also say 'your kids shouldn't have WhatsApp' but I have to say it's a very steep learning curve and both of my kids have experienced this sort of thing in y6 and then kids are much much better at social media and not being a dick on it a couple of years later. Obviously some kids are still dicks on social media but I think those ones would be horrible in whatever media was available to them.

I would say it is fine to turn it off and have a break for a few days though. And it helps.

Can people please stop banging on about how he shouldn't have WhatsApp, it's a bit late for that now, and how will that help the OP? 🙄🙄🙄

OP, I went through very very similar with my daughter at the end of year 6. She was in a couple of WhatsApp groups and bullying started. Telling the school did nothing, as the class had already had the assembly about social media.

I was desperate, so I took screenshots and contacted a couple of the parents, showing them the proof about what was happening.

They didn't want to know. Despite the evidence their attitude was 'not my Freddie, he would never have done such a thing' etc etc, and my daughter was blamed (no idea how as she had not done anything). And I was friends with these parents, but they quickly turned.

I don't know what the answer is OP. My daughter was desperately unhappy until she started secondary school this September just gone. She's now got new friends and is so so happy.

I'm sorry your DS is going through this, some children can be so horrible x

He's hopefully going to a different secondary school to the kids involved and I've told
Him he'll find his place and his friends with a wider net
God I'm so sad for him. He's lying in bed saying he feels awful and can't sleep so I'm going to lie with him
Have told him to avoid them tomorrow if possible. WhatsApp is deleted now phone is off charge and working again. There's nothing else on there but games - innocuous ones too like pool/ stick man soccer.
He's a gorgeous soul. Little shits have made me so angry. I'm undecided whether to mention it to parents as they may just say he was joking. The "fuck you" screen shot can't be ignored though surely?

Ignored by the parents I mean. They're so nice I'm sure they'd be horrified.

It’s 16 actually.

So your year 6 son (around 10??) had a phone given to him in lockdown. So when he was 7/8?

What the fuck.
Ridiculous.

OP please don’t feel that you’re a bad parent. There is NO such thing as a perfect parent and we can only do what we believe is right. If it were me I would speak to the school rather than the parents. For now, just keep reassuring your son that not everyone is so mean and he is best spending his time with nicer people.

Thanks

I agree with others that a 10 year old shouldn’t have a smart phone but the horse has already bolted on that one, so I would definitely tell your DS’s friend’s parents what’s going on. I, personally, would want to know if my child was bullying another one. Hopefully the parents will see sense and confiscation their phones, and you do the same for your child.

My dd is the same age - an only child and was very lonely during lockdown with only me for company all day. And l gave her access to a mobile so she could you know- speak to people of her own age. Not sure why that is so hard to believe?

OP I am sorry your son is sad but….What are we doing to our children? I think back to how immature we all were in year six. 10 year olds are not ready for WhatsApp and what they put out there can stay out there a long time due to screenshots etc. Why can’t people parent properly? The school must be sick of this too.

WE are not ready for WhatsApp because we didn't grow up in the current world with social media and half our lives conducted remotely. WhatsApp silliness does happen at around this age but otherwise I find my children are much better at emotionally dealing with social media fallout than I am. Im not talking about explicit images and of course parents should be randomly checking what's said and keeping phones out of bedrooms/private spaces, but banning them altogether is pointless. These kids are digitally literate. That horse has long bolted.

@Soproudoflionesses

Having access to a phone isn't comparable.
For example, giving your child access to your phone under supervision where they could FaceTime / call their friends and you know your devise is safe for her to use.

Giving a 9 year old their own phone with an app on it where they can send and receive any explicit messages, be vulnerable to scams, and evidently, bullying, on an app that is meant to be for 16 and above is a total kettle of fish. If they're lonely in lockdown let them FaceTime or zoom family and friends on the parents devise. Or at least a family used iPad or something. First example, believable. Second, irresponsible and sloppy parenting.

A 9 year old child has absolutely NO need to have a phone because they're lonely. IMO the only time a 9 year old needs a phone is for safety and that only. Any other time the phone is taken away.

I really don't understand all the hate on here towards OP. If he didn't have WhatsApp it would be text, if he didn't have a phone it would be notes. There is always a way, and actually I would say at least with WhatsApp/text you have proof who wrote it!

I had MSN at that age, it used to drive me mad when my mum wanted to use the landline and I had to log off!

If the police aren't doing their job it sounds like you need to retain an attorney to file a civil suit.
Do your research first but I would def go that route.
All the best to y'all.