Child being horrid on WhatsApp

[MattHancockmole]

What would you do? There have been low level fall outs between my year 6 son and friends on WhatsApp before and my DS had counselling as he's been feeling very down about himself and I think he tries to "fit into" this group of cool boys but they're not doing him any good. He's funny and kind but a bit of a doormat to them.
He's just got new trainers (via Vinted but they don't know that ). They love their brands and parents have more money than me but these are like new and DS has said he's had them a while but not worn to school to explain any wear and tear (minimal ).
They've called his shoes fake and tonight it's escalated on WhatsApp with one kid saying they're shit and "where have you been in those shit shoes " etc etc. another has defended my son to be told "Fuck you". They're 10!! I've put this here as I'm feeling so shit for him and not looking for AIBU type "you're a snowflake " "stop worrying" "boys will be boys" as DS is crying. He also says the boy will hit him for snitching if I say anything and doesn't want me to do anything.
Now I've always said to him about bullying to come to me, tell me and I will deal with it. I've read too much about bullying and victims suffering in silence to let it go. I'd rather nip it in the bud now.
My question is would you tell the mum( who I get on pretty well with )?. Would you want to know if your son was frightening other kids / swearing at them? Or would you say leave the WhatsApp group and try to ignore them and find other friends. Easier said than done. This isn't meant to be a drip feed. This boy and his cohort have been nasty to DS before and I've let it go. Gah. My poor boy.

I appreciate WhatsApp is not for his age and absolutely regret him having it now. He got a phone earlier than bf would have due to lockdown and being bored and very very lonely. Do I absolutely wish he hadn't ? Yes. Do I feel sick now about all this? Yes. I don't think anyone who does it by the book is perfect but please don't batter me any more about WhatsApp.i can't change that he's had it. It's another vehicle for bullying but one I can and will remove forthwith. I'm really torn about contacting the mum as whilst it's all been pleasant so far (he's gone to all his parties etc ) , I don't know if she'd close shop if I contact her about this. From my side I'd want to know and would first roast him then probably want to know what's driving the behaviours. DS just told me they see us as poor (in my day would have been called a pez! For peasant ). Lovely stuff. 😞
My DH is away so I've nobody in real life tonight to talk to. But I'll WhatsApp a friend (ironic no?). Just actually had a flashback to a sleepover to when they put on a horror in the night on his mum's Netflix account and DS was petrified, cried and wanted to ring me but no phone battery. So it's been ongoing a while.

Just spoke to DH and he thinks it'll blow over but DS is a sensitive chap

In 2018 the mimimum age for WhatsApp in Europe and the UK was actually raised to 16. But that was to do with data sharing and the reality is it's up to parents to decide if it's appropriate.
Tweenagers just aren't emotionally mature enough to regulate themselves in such an environment which is basically a free for all. They're just acting their age but the problem is some kids will be particularly horrible and other kids take it to heart. Delete it. Why waste your time constantly monitoring?
There will come a time (Y8/9ish) when he has made a smaller, tighter group of good friends that will use it without the drama.

I don't think I'd ring his mum but maybe try and catch her at school and just pop into conversation "they're always on them phone aren't they. What happened the other night, he was in a right stinker" you could also Speak to the mum of the boy who defended him and say you appreciate her son being so nice and supportive as he was upset, this might spur her on to dig her end.. she could maybe drop it in with other mums. I wouldn't go too in depth as your son could be seen as a snitch (even though they're being little gets!).
Growing up is hard. You're hardly a poor family because he doesn't have the coolest trainers. Don't be hard on yourself x

I am not with your DH here. I don't think you should write this off as your DS being sensitive.

Please make sure you have taken screenshots or photos of the messages.

@MattHancockmole also the WhatsApp digs... all kids have phones now. If you didn't let him have it he'd be bullied and left out of all the chit chat on that basis

And thanks for saying I'm not a responsible parent. I think I'm feeling that right now I'm shit do make sure I really feel it.
We've allowed, as have the majority of parents for him to have some access as we're learning about how it's used and what works/ doesn't work. It wasn't around when I was a kid and I never had the pressure to be on it. I think it's the norm for most of the class to use social media to a degree so to remove him will be the exception but I'll do it if it takes away this nightmare. I'd love to know what percentage have it.
God I feel crap.

Honestly he falls between groups of kids too. He's quite emotional and sensitive but equally loves rough and tumble of sport and he's a bit of a loner in that respect. The sporty ones are these kids he's having trouble with. They're not into emotions/ feelings. It's about being tough and wearing cool clothes - "road men" wannabes, they'd call them here
He likes loads of the girls. I'll encourage them to be his friendship group. It's a girl heavy class mind you.

Lots of kids don't have WhatsApp because it quite often causes situations like this. Our school was constantly asking certain parents to stop their DCs' access to it.

Don't contact the mum OP. Contact the school. It's been going on for a while. They can either discuss the specific WhatsApp issues or they can just discuss general bullying - as though a teacher has noticed it - so it isn't tied back to your DS telling on them.

We managed to stop this with DD when she was 12 (it was text only then) by her telling them her Mum and Dad monitor her phone. We told her to make this clear, even by complaining about it, and it stopped completely. She was being hounded by 2 girls who were vile. She screenshotted everything too, just in case.

Thank god for some common sense.

Has he left the group chat?

Yr 6 is common for phones.

Bollocks.
They absolutely will be interested.

This is one for the school. I have the joy of being a safeguarding governor, sadly this is far too common. You need the school to step in and quash it. If they are slow to respond ask for a copy of their Bullying and Harassment Policy and their Complaints Policy... that might well focus attention.

Yy DCs have phones. That doesn't mean all kids have age-inappropriate social media. It sounds as though some posters believe their DCs when they say 'all the other kids have this' - no, they don't.

They put on a horror film from the parents Netflix account? Seriously why aren't any of these parents locking this stuff down? I think all the parents need some technology training; Netflix, prime, Apple TV etc all of this can be pass code protected as can most smart TVs!
It's shit your son is being bullied, He doesn't sound overly sensitive, no one wants to be bullied, he sounds like a nice kid.
You've also got a good relationship with him (so stop with the parental guilt) because he's come to you for help, support and comfort, absolutely essential as you start to enter the years of teenage turbulence!
So what would I do:

1. tell him he's fab, the other boys are best ignored. Remind him his worth is not measured in goods or money, and true friends don't care a jot about such things.
2. tell him bullies get a kick out of being bullies and you are going to inform the school.
3. reassure him that the bullying will be taken seriously, and will stop (if it doesn't or gets worse escalate it or consider a change of schools)
4. tell the school. Any half decent school should take this seriously; it doesn't matter that it has taken place outside school hours, the children belong to the school community and therefore the school still has a duty of care.

Remove WhatsApp, and when he starts secondary school think very hard about what apps you will allow. Op please consider looking into internet and gaming safety, it's incredibly easy to groom / manipulate/ bully children on line, I have to do a certain amount of safeguarding training now and honestly some of the stuff I've seen is pretty bloody harrowing.
Finally forget designer labels seriously most people don't give a crap...or maybe get him into a sport or activity and he can make a better circle of friends.
Hope it gets sorted.

That's a good idea.

As a mother if my daughter was being nasty to other children I'd absolutely want to know and she would be punished and made to apologize and lose her name brand things! I am so sorry your son is being teased. Vented is nothing to be ashamed about and I wish you all the best in stopping this

There's a website somewhere with all the recommended ages for these things I can't remember the name though so thats not helpful. Anyway I'd say at least 13 for WhatsApp.

These children are using WhatsApp to bully another child.

If they weren't using WhatsApp they could display exactly the same behaviour using text or email. And let's not blame the victim here. It's commonplace for children not using WhatsApp or children not in WhatsApp groups to be talked about behind their backs.

The issue here is the behaviour of the children and the failure of the parents of these children to monitor what their children are up to online.

Absolutely raise this with the school as this behaviour can tip over into the playground and classroom. The school can speak to all the children about appropriate online behaviour. They can also contact all parents reminding them to monitor their children's online behaviour.

This. Been involved in the whole
Speak to the parents not the school thing and it ended very badly.

Personally I'd be getting on there and giving them ten times worse in response but I realise that's not a sensible suggestion. It would work though!

An overreaction. Children can be cruel to other children without anything necessarily going on at home. SS are stretched enough, they wouldn't investigate Whatsapp messages between children.

In Year 6 we still had a parents Whats App group and when some bullying occurred on the Year 6 kids group one parent raised it in the parents channel and called it out so it could be dealt with. In the end the head also got involved and did an assembly with all the children to remind them about bullying.