Toddler won’t hold my hand or tolerate reins

[Creamypumpkinsoup]

I’m unsure if there’s a way of encouraging this. I’d prefer not to use the pushchair but he won’t always hold my hand (sometimes will but sometimes refuses) and will not tolerate reins, have tried the backpack ones but got nowhere. Any ideas?

Also I agree with going to areas where you can set him free like a big enclosed park so it balances with the times he should be in the buggy.

What would you do if he was "refusing" to be strapped into his carseat?
You'd insist.
Same here.

If we were just going for a drive for the sake of going for a drive,I wouldn’t though, which is the difference.

@Creamypumpkinsoup

Firstly I'll start by saying, I don't think it's about nicely encouraging him to hold hands or happily wear the back pack. He's too much of a flight risk!! It's too dangerous! This is one of those 'I'm your mummy, you will do this & be safe' things. I wouldn't allow just hand holding either as clearly he doesn't want to and I wouldn't risk him slipping his hand out. [I have a 'carpark' grip but it's not easy to maintain over a long distance]

So if you don't want to read further, then don't!

if it were me, I'd get a 'good' pair of reins, not a back pack (they're ok for compliant kids) a pair like the old fashioned leather ones (but you can get them in Nylon now. I would put them on before I left the house. If he tantrums I'd just wrangle him into the buggy & he doesn't get out until you get to the park (if the trip is to do something for him) or until you get home (if you're shopping or something). Your turn for 'NO' 😂

Establish that you don't go out until the reins are on!! If he walks nicely he can walk, if he's a pain in the arse he gets strapped into the buggy. End of, no debate.

Can you steer/push your pram single handed without DS (like if he's not there?) If you can & it's just because he won't walk nicely I'd persist with reins & pram. Tell him he walks nicely or gets in it. He's old enough to understand that (liking it is a different matter!)

go for short walk with no purpose, put wellies & waterproofs on & puddle jump, investigate & kick leaves etc. make him see that the reins give him freedom, not take it away.

you'll soon get over this phase if you're consistent.

Why are you letting your toddler decide what they will tolerate, we had harness style reins, they are literal lifesavers, just insist

Mine would've too. Honestly you won't get a lot of understanding from a lot of people on here, who think you can just strap reins to a child and go. You can't. Not with some kids.

I’ve nearly cried again @crumpetswithjam

Thank you.

Do what you need to do to keep your child happy and safe. And screw everyone else.

Wrist reins worked when my dc was that age. Put them on and Hold their hand. They seemed to work when back pack reins or hand holding didn't work.

I personally held my toddler's wrist instead of hands. I found that it was less sweaty and more readily tolerated.
Personally, on the occasions where toddler was refusing to walk it was easier to forcibly walk child to a safe space because they can't break free as easily.

@Creamypumpkinsoup - being firm and taking charge when your child is being defiant is a parenting skill we all have to learn, and you are most certainly NOT a bad parent because you haven’t learned that skill yet.

In your position, I would use a mixture of firmness and rewards. Be clear that he either holds your hand or wears the reins, otherwise he goes back in the buggy. But then if he does walk nicely, you praise him and he gets a treat - a sweet or an extra go on the swings, or getting to feed the ducks, for example.

And as a previous poster said, if he throws himself on the ground, you just stay there until he accepts he needs to hold your hand or use the reins. “What a shame you are lying on the ground and not walking nicely - now we won’t be able to go to the park/shop/river”.

None of us is born a perfect parent - we learn by trial and error. I once let ds1 (aged under 2) eat tortilla chips from the bin - he was having horrendous tantrums, and was in the middle of one, when he went quiet and I found him eating leftover tortilla chips we had binned the night before - and I let him carry on with his delicious bin snack, because I knew if I stopped him, the tantrum would start again, and I simply couldn’t face it. When he got bored and wandered off, I found somewhere safe to put the bin. You can only do your best, in the situation you are in.

Oh, and ds1 was fine - not so much as a tummy upset - and his best man told the tortilla chip story at his wedding this year. He now has a daughter, and I am wondering how much she will give him the run-around when she is older!

I don't understand why people are being so obtuse.

Op: how do I encourage hand holding.
Posters: put him in the buggy
Op: yes we do that but how do I encourage hand holding
Posters: Omg op why don't you just use a pushchair! You don't listen!!

My twins are weird little beasts who love their reins and the only thing I can think is when we got them, we let them play with them inside. Def isn't down to superior parenting 😂

We use the old school ones that go round their chest, the back pack ones or the wrist ones.

In your situation might be worth trying the wrist ones then you hold hands as normal, lots of positive praise and if he pulls away he's still tied to you so it's easier to grab. No, hold hands or we go home / don't leave etc. Rinse and repeat.

On the reins they're both generally good but I don't use in a rush. On the wrist restraints, t2 doesn't like holding hands so I will let him walk beside me with the wrist thing on us both.

Re pushchair, is it two handles vs one bar? They are def harder to push single handed but the other option is to attach the strap to the pushchair, keep him in the inside and use your nappy bag as weight so the pushchair isn't tippy.

He wouldn’t understand any of that @SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius . But thanks.

I’m firmly in the be firm, pram or walk nicely, camp and would do it when you’re not in a rush somewhere safe like a park initially until the message sinks in but I 100% get you with reins. Tried them with DD1 and it was comparable to the once and only time I attempt to walk my indoor cat on a lead (I was a student, don’t ask). I just don’t get it, like how are you supposed to steer them?! Both times, with the cat and the toddler, we all ended up in a bush 😂

But there’s no shame in sticking with the pram most of the time, I do that a lot because with an older one I don’t have anywhere as much time as I’d like for toddler walking speed!

I guess what I am trying to say is this.

So I decide to go to a park to get ds some fresh air and a change of scene. There’s a pond at the park, he won’t hold my hand.

If I take the pushchair I can’t manage him and the pushchair. So he goes in the pushchair except then it’s not fun for him and it’s certainly not for me. So I just don’t go to the park?

Because if they sit their solid little butt's on the floor and refuse to move, you aren't moving them unless you're willing to pull them along and hurt them. Or you end up back in the buggy which she's trying to grow out of or you don't go which is fine for the park, not so much school run etc.

I would say that you put him back in the buggy, then, after a couple of minutes, say he can come out again if he holds your hand or uses the reins. And just carry on doing this, praising him when he does walk nicely, and whipping him back into the buggy when he doesn’t, over and over again until he gets the message.

I genuinely don’t think he would make the connection at all. It just makes it all a bit stressful and in any event I can’t hold his hand and push the pram.

If you go in the pram to the park, can't you wander around with him and just leave the pram, it's not like you'll walk out of eyeline of it? I always did this I live near woods and went with my son daily

Could do but then might as well not bring it and can’t wrangle him into it to teach him a lesson sort of thing.

Is the pushchair umbrella fold? Could you put it over your shoulder?

Or go to a park where the playground is fenced so he stays in his pushchair until you get there, then he gets to run around, then he goes back in the pushchair. You can feed the ducks when he's in the chair can't you? Or look at the fish

Maybe make it easier for yourself. When you’re near the pond and he’s not in the buggy you just park the pram at the side and walk with him. You don’t need to go far and in due course you wend your way back to the buggy, put him in and carry on the walk.

@SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius is right. He might not get it yet but over the next few months he’ll start to but you’ll have to repeat it over and over again

OP he’s almost 2, he should understand some basic concepts maybe you aren’t giving him enough credit? These are good suggestions, maybe try and see if he responds to it?

Apologies for not having read all responses, but as we're going into autumn, another option is just to have a loose grip on his hood. Obviously not dragging him round by it, but if he'll walk nicely you can catch him if he falls and stop him from running into traffic. Depends on the fit of the coat around the neck of course

I understand OP it's such hard work when you have a non compliant child!
My boy is nearly 4 and is strong, he can wriggle out of my grip and he bolts every single time he gets chance.
He's too big for the reins and I've resorted to the pram every outing but it's a pain and he will be too big soon, I don't drive and his sisters school run is a non-negotiable so you can imagine the daily stress.