Toddler won’t hold my hand or tolerate reins

[Creamypumpkinsoup]

I’m unsure if there’s a way of encouraging this. I’d prefer not to use the pushchair but he won’t always hold my hand (sometimes will but sometimes refuses) and will not tolerate reins, have tried the backpack ones but got nowhere. Any ideas?

At first the backpack worked but once he realised he was on a ‘lead’ became very angry was a bit difficult!

Yes.

But it’s as everyone else says. He wears them / holds hands nicely or goes in the buggy. Sooner or later he’ll work out if he behaves he’ll get to walk and not have to go in the buggy.

Not sure if there is a way to 'encourage' at his age as you cant negotiate with them or find reasoning!

My advice is to only let him walk when you have the time and its safe for him to tantrum. I often have a walk AND pram refuser so I have to stand and let her sit on the park ground until she gets up and walks. Its HARD!

Mine we’re like this but happy to have a dog lead - I had two dogs and just got them an extra lead and clipped it on to their rucksack or jeans - is that an option

I know it sounds crazy but it worked for me - three labs and a child all on leads (!)

Just seen you tried a lead (!) then it is pram or lead - choices are good but give him an option where there isn’t a win for him

Mine is the same and I used to wrestle him into to it then distract right away with pointing at stuff and a little treat, he couldn't get it off and I didn't give in. Some things are none negotiable, pick your battles yes but some battles you have to have. Let him have the tantrum and then he will realise you're not taking rein off him. I think the little treat works as they associate it with wearing it and then they forget and just wear it anyway. Mine did anyway...though i do understand they're all different . His favourite word is still no as well and he never likes anything unless it his idea!

@LittleBearPad what I mean is that I am not proposing he runs free through the traffic, if he won’t hold hands he’ll clearly have to go in his pram and I am able to work that out for myself, thanks. But if anyone does have tips for encouraging hand holding I’ll gladly hear them

Thanks @Cherrytree77 and @Caughtupinsomething ,it is a bit of a relief that I don’t have the only awkward one. He’s normally very good but we haven’t had a great day today.

Also op what ever you do never give it, if they learn they'll just do it all of the more, as they'll remember it worked last time.

all the*

We give ours an option, hold hands or be carried. I count to three so she can decide what she’s going to pick. If she doesn’t pick in the time or hold hands she gets carried/put in pram if we have it. We were consistent with it and now she’ll hold hands 99% of the time when asked.

if he has worn the backpack reins before, go back to that. He will say no and have a tantrum. you reply saying 'reins or we sit here' and sit down at the side of the road and mean it. When the tantrum ends, put the reins on again and start walking again. Make sure there is a treat at the end of the walk but that you are not in a hurry.
repeat as necessary. In 2 or 3 goes, he will get the message that reins are not something to negotiate over.

My DD was a runner. At that age I’d mostly keep her in the pushchair, and then when we got to quiet paths, parks etc. I’d let her out so that we could practice walking holding hands. It soon turned into a habit for her so that she could be trusted not to run near busy roads.

Forget the back pack reins. Get proper reins that strap round his chest on a harness like this.

<www.johnlewis.com/john-lewis-anyday-baby-harness-and-walking-reins-black/p5339590?sku=238758389&s_ppc=2dx92700070985443024_mixed_fashion_BAU&tmad=c&tmcampid=2&gclid=CjwKCAjw79iaBhAJEiwAPYwoCFeYzskjzNr8AcmBHWWNXDUe2_He6KRDpCeZNWnsuKIFY_jJlsLVqRoCHlwQAvD_BwE&gclsrc=aw.ds>

Toddlers don't decide safety issues; that's the parents job. The bigger and more independent he gets, the bigger the risks he'll encounter in life. So right from the start, you need to set certain limits and let him learn they are not optional.

. We always hold hands crossing roads, he can never run on ahead across roads, he never, ever plays with matches, the gas stove controls, handbrake, etc.

He hasn’t worn the backpack, we tried it once and he became very angry. I will just keep him in the pram by roads.

Years ago one of mine was a reins refuser. I just used to put them on at random times at home, ignore the tantrum and carry on with some housework or whatever. My child soon realised that screaming and pulling at them wasn't going to work. When they had calmed down we would have a cuddle, maybe a biscuit and then I'd leave the reins on for a while until they had forgotten about them. Three or four times of this and it was much less of a problem.

Sometimes you do just have to take charge.

I used to admire the mum at our toddler group who had trained her triplets to walk beautifully on reins. One triplet in each hand, then the least inclined to bolt one being held by a sibling.

My DD was like this. Sometimes a doll's pushchair worked at getting her to walk nicely next to me - my sis did this with her son too. Obviously sometimes she ran off/ fell to the floor screaming etc though. Mostly she just had to be strapped into the pushchair or we went places she could wander freely (enclosed parks).

'Forget the back pack reins. Get proper reins that strap round his chest on a harness like this.'

Backpack reins are fine and I find better for older children where they can keep a toy in the back and feel abit more grown up. They have a clip at front, handle on end of rein usually and are perfectly safe. My first dc started with reins then went to backpack. Dc2 more stubborn and started with backpack type right away and it was easier to get on until he accepted it!

There is no way I could hold onto a toddler and push the pram

How come ? Genuinely not trying to be awkward, but I don't understand this. Do you have some massive , heavy, un -manoeuvrable type of pram ? So maybe picking up a cheap buggy to use for this period might be the answer ?

Agree with everyone else - it isn't negotiable, obviously that you need to keep them safe and 22month olds aren't known for their powers of reason or negotiation, so you just keep repeating the same - a warning and then the consequence. I had a 'swinger' - he used to tip the top part of his body forward and lift up his legs . I mean, it is funny now looking back but wasn't when you needed to be somewhere. But he was reminded that he could walk nicely or he would be in the buggy, and that is what happened. He did learn in the end

At 22 months my DD was pretty much always in the puschair unless we were in a park or something. As others said if she was out and walking in the shops or anything then hands or she can go back in pushchair, at that age she wouldn't be out the pushchair near roads anyway.

You encourage it with firm boundaries and he will quickly learn

There is. You limit their choices to what you want and are prepared to manage or put up with. The choice mine were given at that age was very simple - reins or pushchair. Nothing else.

I always kept the pushchair with me, especially in those early days. If they wanted to walk they had to wear the reins and walk beside it. If they refused the reins or began farting about while on them then I would just grab them and shove them into the pushchair, ignoring any resulting tantrums or protests.

That is all part of the joys of parenting toddlers.

This

Why is he making the rules?

probably because I’m completely fucking shit at everything and he’d be better off without me.

You seem very stressed. It's quite simple, you either put him in his pushchair, on reins or he holds your hand.
Stay calm and firm and he'll get it. There's no need to yank him along. It's very disturbing that you're referring to him as a 'little shit.' He's a normal toddler and sometimes you have to take charge.

My son got a choice of me holding him by his jacket at the shoulder or holding his hand. When he wriggled out of his hand I'd grab his jacket. Wasn't particularly dignified for either of us! Just reiterated the very boring phrase "we're by cars, I need to hold onto you". He didn't need to hold my hand in the park, and I explained why to him. The message sunk in eventually, but there was some unpleasant meltdowns which I just had to weather