Husband booked trip abroad for 4 nights without planning it with me

[drivingmeroundthetwistt]

My husbands family live abroad and he's mentioned a few times that he wants to visit soon. I don't particularly want to go right now with 2 DC. But it's fjne, he can go.

The thing that's not ok is that he came to me today and said "I've booked my flights, I'm going on this date for 4 nights" just him.

No discussion or planning of this with me.

Like erm helloooo?! You have a wife and 2 kids, you can't just go and go at any point as if you have no responsibility?!

Feel like I'm about to blow.

...I mean, it sounds like he wanted you to go with him, and you said no, and so he's booked to go by himself. What is there to discuss? Yeah, he could have checked the dates with you, that would have been considerate, but honestly, this is a really small deal.

did You tell him he should go on his own?
if so yabu.

I wouldn't say it was a small deal. He needs to certain you can look after the kids while he's away, he should definitely have checked and not just assumed. It sounds like the dates are ok, but I'd feel a bit irritated and would ask him to check next time.

@Ohwellwhateverthen discuss what's happening with his children for those 4 nights he's away?
I wouldn't book dates without discussing and making a plan.

When I say it was mentioned it was mentioned months ago like "I want to go and visit this year".

The point isn't that he's going alone. That's fine. This was all mentioned in passing.

The issue is he just booked his tickets today without checking those dates are ok, is there anything happening. How am I going to juggle work and childcare.

I have 2 kids. I would not just book a trip abroad without planning how and when with my husband???

Well presumably, seeing as you told him he should go and see his family alone, the assumption would be that you're looking after them. When I tell my husband to go on trips alone, I'm implying that I'll take care of our kids while he's gone. Or does he usually do all the childcare while you work full time, or something?

He should make sure he has childcare for his children before booking anything, as any parent should do.

Should definitely have discussed and checked dates with you , you are married with kids obviously things need arranging or rearranging!

How big a problem is it causing

Sounds like you should be friendlier, and going too. The fact that you won’t visit his family (and presumably for them to meet their GC) means he has to go on his own. So why do you also get to decide his dates? Bizarre

Unless you work opposing shifts to your DH so he has the sole responsibility of looking after the kids at night for example, surely it's more or less the same?

I honestly couldn't get worked up about this.

Tbh it just feel like the straw that broke the camels back in terms of mental load which has been bubbling up over a few weeks.

The convo was very casual months ago, I want to visit home, okay I probably won't come with the kids.
Months later, I've booked flights and that's that.

The fact of the matter is how can he just be so chilled that the fact he is equally responsible for looking after 2 kids not register that he needs to consider that before booking a trip away?

We both work full time.

Presumably it was a given that you would be looking after the children on your own when he visits, or do you mean the plan was he would take the kids with him to see their family?

Thats different if so, but if not then yes you're being unreasonable. You told him he would go on his own (using the word can makes it sound like he needs your permission) and so hes now booked it using the assumption that the kids will be with you?

Unless Im missing something

The problem with this forum is, its full of people who are fuming, livid etc etc about things.

If it were my spouse/partner, I'd not have a problem with his going on his own, but he has to check with me ahead of time if he'll be gone overnight (and vice versa if I were going away) when there are shared children who cannot be left alone at night. What if you had also booked a trip away those same days without telling him, or perhaps were asked to go on a last minute work trip and just OK'd it without asking him? This might be slightly mitigated if he'd made backup arrangements for shildcare, or if course if it was an emergency - but still, it's normal to discuss before booking.

It doesnt seem like a casual conversation, he was talking about planning to see his family and thought you would go? Thats not a casual conversation thats a planning conversation

I would agree that if he has booked the trip to start tomorrow or in the next few days thats irresponsible because thats not enough time to plan things for the kids but if its next month say, then theres plenty of time to plan the arrangements surely? So what difference would it make to plan the dates ahead of time? Unless you have regular trips and clubs etc, perhaps thats what you mean?

You're right to be annoyed. He should have checked the dates and logistics with you first, before booking.

The dates weren't pre agreed or discussed. I had no idea he was booking, or booking on these dates.

The only thing was a causal conversation that he'd like to go this year.

I'd like to go to New York at Christmas and I've said that to my husband. That does not mean I'll just go ahead and book without prior planning?

I'm clearly missing something here.

Tell him those dates don't work as you have stuff booked in? Medical or social stuff?

What was your response when he told you? What was the subsequent conversation?

Do the dates work for you?

YANBU. It is very basic courtesy to check in with your partner and coparent if you are booking time out. The assumption that you can do all the nursery/school/club runs for 4-5 days as well as work and do everything else without even bothering to check is shit.

He had the convo and mentioned going, you said fine. He knows what the kids do and don’t do and that they will be fine.
you must have other issues because this doesn’t sound like a big problem. What extra work will fall on you?

I just said don't you think we should have discussed that together ? And he said I just wanted to book.
I don't know if the dates work yet. Need to check with work when I go back this week.

You’re not missing anything, OP, and you’ve had some really odd responses here! When you get married you’re promising to take your spouse’s best interests as part of your own, and in this situation your H has completely neglected your best interests, even in basic courtesy of checking you’re okay with picking up the full load of childcare while he goes away. He sounds unthoughtful at best, emotionally neglectful at worst. If this has been bubbling for a while for you it sounds like this is a pattern.

Really important to listen to your feelings and acknowledge your anger, and try to channel it into making positive changes in your relationship through good communication and discussion. Otherwise the resentment grows and grows tip you reach breaking point.

I don’t understand why you wouldn’t tell him everything you’ve said here. He’s been inconsiderate and you’re unhappy about it. Go talk to your husband.