Husband booked trip abroad for 4 nights without planning it with me

[drivingmeroundthetwistt]

My husbands family live abroad and he's mentioned a few times that he wants to visit soon. I don't particularly want to go right now with 2 DC. But it's fjne, he can go.

The thing that's not ok is that he came to me today and said "I've booked my flights, I'm going on this date for 4 nights" just him.

No discussion or planning of this with me.

Like erm helloooo?! You have a wife and 2 kids, you can't just go and go at any point as if you have no responsibility?!

Feel like I'm about to blow.

@B1pbop thank you appreciate this response

My husbands family live abroad and he's mentioned a few times that he wants to visit soon. I don't particularly want to go right now with 2 DC. But it's fjne, he can go.

The thing that's not ok is that he came to me today and said "I've booked my flights, I'm going on this date for 4 nights" just him.

No discussion or planning of this with me.

it sounds like miscommunication - in his head, he had discussed it with you several times and you'd said it was fine.

Yes agreed, if it were me, I would have looked up all the travel arrangements, written it all out and run it by my DH in advance of making the booking, but he's skipped that step and gone ahead with the booking, forgetting about your obligations with work. Could it be that he thought it's only 4 days, not 2 weeks...

how long before he makes the trip? If it's quite a few weeks away, then you will hopefully be able to deal with that, and let him know he can't pull another stunt like that in future.

If it's next week, he is indeed a selfish twat.

Of course he should have gone through dates with you but how many times has he mentioned he really wants to visit his family soon?

I would have expected a quick discussion checking the dates, yeah. Did he find bargain flights and not want to miss out? That I could understand I guess. But would expect him to explain it.

Anyway, maybe not worth a big row. Is he normally a bit thoughtless?

I’d appreciate a heads up regarding dates before booking, yes. Shame you couldn’t all go, or your husband couldn’t take the kids though. I imagine his family would like to see the children.

If he's booked a time that he knows works well for you - as in thurs to Sunday and your usual routine is that you sort school drop off/pick up on those days etc then maybe fair enough.

If it's going to cause havoc with childcare/you need to make sure you can arrange time off first etc, then he should have waited to book.

Unless Im missing something

Basic courtesy and an acknowledgement that women aren't the default parent? What if OP had also decided to book to go away without checking dates? Then the children just forage like animals? No, no one thinks it's OK for mums to do this.

My parents live abroad, I often go with DH, or DH and DD, or alone. It's perfectly normal. I often say that I'll go in the Summer or whatever. What's not normal is me saying, "honey, I've just decided to go on these dates and booked".

This place is so weird. It's not OK to just book flights without checking in first. I mean really? DH and I are a team. OP and her DH clearly aren't if he does this. That's what she's saying.

Nah, come on. To the posters defending this selfish husband, no way is it normal to not finalise dates with your partner before parting with money for something as difficult to amend as air travel.

Even if they discussed it yesterday, it’s normal to say “just about to book these flights, you definitely happy with me going 21st to the 26th, yeah?”

It’s just what happens in a mutually respectful relationship.

As it is, reading between the lines, this guy leaves all domestic grunt work to his wife, despite them both working full time.

It's not on. It's basic manners to check your dates with your partner.

You both work full time? Tell him you've booked 4 days away too for when he's back.

I bet suddenly there's all sorts of reasons why you can't just do that. What about this, who'll do that, what about the kids, ...

I'm with you on this one OP. MN is full of snidey posters who I am convinced would not be blasé about this shit in their own lives.

The answer to practically every MN thread is communication. And in this case, your DH's lack of.

I dislike it when someone says 'oh I told you' and it was said in passing months ago. How hard is it to say 'I'm thinking of these dates, do they work for you?'.

Why??

Why can he just assume the OP will be free those 4 days to look after the dcs? What if she has something booked too?

What a presumptuous attitude!

fwiw that sort if attitude is exactly what landed DH in hot waters.
He assumed it was ok for him to just book stuff at the WE Wo talking to me first. After a few times, i demanded he wrote whatever he had planned in the calendar. He then assumed it was ok for him to book tickets fir concert Wo talking about it. Again.
I book tickets for something else on that same WE with my parents. Because there was nothing on the calendar. And he had assumed I wouldn’t plan anything at all.
He lost the cost of 3 concert tickets 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

Never assume you can just go away and your partner will pick up the pieces. It’s rude, disrespectful. And at some point will come and bite you back.

@daisychain01 how can he think he had discussed it with the OP when he had never mention dates? 😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫

What if OP had also decided to book to go away without checking dates? Then the children just forage like animals? No, no one thinks it's OK for mums to do this.

👏

When you told him to go on his own what were you planning on doing in terms of childcare?
You've told him to go , he's going. How much child care does he normally do/ do your children need?

When you told him to go on his own what were you planning on doing in terms of childcare?

Well it would depend on the dates, surely. Which she didn't have, because he didn't bother checking.

Congratulations on your new job title op.
Housekeeper and child care provider..
New York with your dc at Christmas yeah?
He can stay home.

That's outrageous behaviour from him. I can't believe anyone's defending him. Of course you talk to your partner before booking flights. Before I go abroad to visit family, dh and I sit down to find the best dates, even though I know he's fine with me going in principle. He needs to be okay with it on specific days!

Tbf I would book days away without consulting my dh , especially of something we discussed, in meant to be going away with the girls next year , it sure dates and when its booked it may be friend i trave agent who rings and says can you do xyz and I would say yes
My dh is capable of arranging childcare with friends a family of anything clashed etc

My dh is capable of arranging childcare with friends a family of anything clashed etc

Well OP's DH's family are abroad. For a start. Not everyone has hot and cold running childcare.

What's the actual issue with the dates booked?

Or is this just a principle thing?

Yabu. I did the same few weeks ago.
I plan to visit close relative ( mum) abroad and I said many times I want to on my own, he knows that.
He asked many times if I booked the flights, I said not yet.
Then one day I found cheap tickets and booked it.
Told DH casual, he is ok with it. No issue.

I dunno
I think you're over reacting a little to be honest. He absolutely should have run the dates themselves by you but assuming that you do that have anything pressing on which you haven't mentioned, why wouldn't he ? I'm assuming you feel he doesn't need you're permission to visit his family in particular given he's told you he wants to visit and you've already declined to go.. is the date the issue or the fact he is going at all?

Could you do the same? Book time away without him and the kids without checking first? I'm betting it's a no. At least not without you having to sort out all the childcare etc first.

That's why he's a knob for doing it. He's expecting you to sort everything out with no idea of what's going on.

I really don't get what you're annoyed about.

This is crap from your DH