Husband booked trip abroad for 4 nights without planning it with me

[drivingmeroundthetwistt]

My husbands family live abroad and he's mentioned a few times that he wants to visit soon. I don't particularly want to go right now with 2 DC. But it's fjne, he can go.

The thing that's not ok is that he came to me today and said "I've booked my flights, I'm going on this date for 4 nights" just him.

No discussion or planning of this with me.

Like erm helloooo?! You have a wife and 2 kids, you can't just go and go at any point as if you have no responsibility?!

Feel like I'm about to blow.

It's presumption that you as the mother are the default, and that even though you both work full time he can absent himself and go overseas without checking if that's going to work for his immediate family, because you as the woman will swing into action and sweep up behind him.

It the mental load is already weighing on you because of inequalities in the marriage it makes sense that this would tip you over.

What would have been reasonable would have been, Hey I'd really like to get those flights booked soon as I"ve noticed they're going up in price, totally understandable you don't want to come so I'll just whizz over and back, how do these dates work for you?

It's a matter of basic courtesy to the person you're in the business of running your family with, if nothing else.

@MrsTerryPratchett and @GreenManalishi

Yes and yes. Thank you.

Christ, I know. I was making fun of the posters who are apparently so laid back they claim they ‘couldn’t get worked up about this’…

I'm not quite sure why some of the posters on this thread are even in relationships. They seem to think communicating is asking for permission or being controlled but it's just mutual respect.

Our children are grown adults but we still have pets to look after so I always run dates by my DP in case he had any plans in mind too. If he does we then have an adult conversation as to which plans are easier to rearrange.

Obviously @Colderthanever is either not reading the op properly or is having a bad day

Op doesn't want to stop dh going, she would just like to talk about the most convenient dates re her looking after their dc.

Why don't you want to go op? (Apologies if you have already answered)

I don't want to go mainly because it involves travelling quite close the areas that aren't 100% safe right now.

Not because I am unfriendly towards his family as I saw a couple of people mention! I have visited before. I have paid for them to visit us and I will happily visit in the future with the children when/if the world calms down a little.

Yes in that case I agree

should have checked

and if dangerous terrioty I get why @drivingmeroundthetwistt doesn’t want to go with kids

equally I get op dh wants to see his parents

I'm very chilled about DH going away etc but I'd expect a convo about dates. Potentially his children have no one to care for them on these four days because its the time he's meant to care for them whilst his partner works. He's made no arrangements for that care, just assumed that she will drop everything and fix it because she has no choice.

It isn't about going away, it's about him thinking things like childcare aren't his issue. He merely helps op out

@MrsTerryPratchett but he would of known if she had booked something as she would of told him she had plans or does that only work one way
Yes he should of run dates by but if in a hurry and Im asked for an answer I will agree and then tell my dh later
If theirs a clash he can also sort out childcare or we can put plans in place
As a one off I wouldn't get too hung up over it

Why can't he just text and say, "these dates work?" Before booking? Relying on her doing the right thing so he doesn't have to seems odd.

OP I’m with you; it’s the lack of courtesy that isn’t ok and assumption that you’ll pick up the slack.

Imagine if a man done that stopping his wife from seeing her family. there would be a chorus of LTB.

Lack of courtesy he is treating you like an appliance

@ZeroFuchsGiven I'd like to think that we would still say the same if the woman was booking dates and leaving the kids with the husband. It's not a permission thing, it's mutual respect. Sadly lacking on this thread.

@ZeroFuchsGiven Imagine a Woman booking a Trip without considering who would look after her children.

Struggling? Yes, so am i.