Husband booked trip abroad for 4 nights without planning it with me

[drivingmeroundthetwistt]

My husbands family live abroad and he's mentioned a few times that he wants to visit soon. I don't particularly want to go right now with 2 DC. But it's fjne, he can go.

The thing that's not ok is that he came to me today and said "I've booked my flights, I'm going on this date for 4 nights" just him.

No discussion or planning of this with me.

Like erm helloooo?! You have a wife and 2 kids, you can't just go and go at any point as if you have no responsibility?!

Feel like I'm about to blow.

If my DH did this I would be so upset and angry. I would expect to discuss dates and ensure it's convenient, not just be presented with a fait accompli.
He's treating you like the help, I'd struggle to get past this personally, it's so incredibly rude and shows her doesn't see you as an equal.
I'd be inclined to book to go away for a similar amount of time with similar notice and see how he likes it. If he doesn't (and he won't, I'll put money on it) then there needs to be a big conversation about why he thought it was ok.

What is the division of labour usually like. Who does the school/ nursery drop offs? Will you have to change work or your own stuff tor the trip?

If you'll have to take time off work or something I'd be very angry. If you're already doing all the drop offs and pick ups so he didn't think it would be an issue you need to change that so he realises he can't just swan off.

This wouldn't be an issue in our family as long as it's booked in advance and someone doesn't have something already booked in with work or a gig or something.

I don't know anyone in their right mind who would just book to leave the country for 4 nights without just checking/letting know - with or without kids. Some peoples relationships on here are very strange with the lack of basic communication.

Absolutely no problem with him going alone but I find it bizarre that he'd just book it and not say anything until it's done.

About two or three times a year DH comes home and announces some dates he's going away. At least twice is out of the country with work (it's a work jolly, not going away to do work iykwim), and once is usually an overnight with his hobby (again, it's a jolly, not a commitment).

As soon as either of us books something it goes in the calendar. I often book weekends away with my friends too so I just look in the calendar and book. I don't speak to DH about it beforehand but tell him after that I've booked X.

Rule is, if it's not in the calendar then it's not official and we do it on a first come first serve basis.

So we do, in a way, check that there is a parent there to look after DS, if there isn't then we'd confirm with grandparents/friends before the second person makes their commitment.

DH is just as capable of rearranging his working week and weekend hobbies to be solely in charge of DS as I am.

We're the same Slice ofcake.
A couple of times a year dh will say "some of us are going to (foreign city) for a jolly." Or I saw "I'm off away with friend" it never occurs to either of us to discuss with the other first, but we both know that the other will then stay home, sort out the kids etc. So it would be normal in our house.
Doesn't sound like that's what usually happens in ops house though so maybe they need to get a family calender or agree travel rules or something for the future.

It's true, he has just vaguely mentioned it but because it was several times, he thinks he's off the hook.

its all a bit alien to me, I can't remember the last time either of us has randomly headed off on a week away, it will have been pre-COVID at least. I'm very out of touch 😊

So many posters who claim they’d be cool with it. I’m just not buying that.

“Hi wife, I’m going on Phil’s a stag do for four days in a couple of weeks. Remember I told you seven months ago that he’d got engaged?”

”Of course I remember, husband. I assumed you’d be going away as you’d mentioned something a long while ago. I’ll sort the kids. You have a great time. Have a lap dance on me.”

Maybe I have high standards but I’d expect my husband to discuss travel plans with me before or during the booking of them. Maybe that’s because my husband is respectful and would do that as we have dependents, and he appreciates my life will be made slightly more challenging during his time away.

There are some very laid back responses here!
My DP’s family live abroad, and of course it’s fine for him to go and see them alone. But not on a week where my work training means I can’t leave in time to do the school run. Or where 2 children need to be in different places at the same time.
neither happens that often, but he does need to check dates. And he does- common courtesy, surely?!

Yeah you get in there and Control him. Fuck Him and his desire to see his parents, right, his ass is yours and you call it.he gets nothing he wants.

I think it’s all to do with personal circumstances. My ex (father of my kids) worked abroad as much as he worked where we lived so he just booked whatever was needed and I was never consulted about it, same with personal trips, but that was only doable because we had structured our lives so that I didn’t need him for any practical help and I could do the school runs and still go to work etc. If you share more equally then it’s much trickier to do stuff like this, so I agree with OP that he definitely should have checked the dates first as it sounds like it will impact OPs work.

😆 expecting a heads up on the dates is controlling. Sure.

I would have expected him to run the dates past you, just to check you didn’t need him for anything.
But not unexpected in my experience, unfortunately.

I am totally with you OP.

I would not expect either side in a relationship to book to be away for 4 nights without checking first.

It does sometimes happen that dh will come down and put something on the calendar, eg, I am expected to be at this conference on these dates.
But if there was a reason why that didn't work, he would either not go, or he would take equal part in working out childcare.

Same in reverse. I simply cannot see how you can plan something without co-ordinating diaries.

and yes I would be pissed off.

In my circumstances I would be fine with that, as long as my husband had mentioned it and we'd agreed that it was fine for him to go alone for the four nights at some point and he checked the calendar first. We always put stuff straight into the diary on our phones and it works well to avoid clashes, plus neither of us take the piss. I would be free to do the same, although in reality I'd be more likely to need to check specific dates before booking because I work part time and therefore do all the school runs so couldn't assume he was ok to leave work early or work from home without him checking.

I think the point I'm trying to make is it depends how you normally communicate, and whether it is going to require the other person to change their routine. I don't think I'm laid back about this as mentioned in other responses, I'm basing my answer on how I perceive the situation would go down in my specific circumstances. If I felt like it had come out of the blue, yes I would be angry, which is probably where the OP is coming from.

Lol! Bloody hell.

Yes he should have discussed the dates with you. At the same time I think it would have been kind for you to go with the children so his family can see them. You sound a bit unfriendly towards his family - I also have in-laws abroad and know much it means to them to see our children. We've been travelling there since our children were babies. I kind of sense you're annoyed that he's going away and you're not really seeing how important it is that he sees his family.

Projecting, much?

DH could take the kids on his own, if he wanted.

There's some bonkers posts on this thread!

I'm with you OP, fine to go to see his parents (obviously!) but discuss dates before booking flights. It's unbelievable that he didn't to be honest & I don't understand his logic.

I'm sure he wouldn't be chilled if the situation was reversed.

Yes he should have checked dates

but unless you work nights and he does the ‘childcare’ aka being a dad

or

does the nursery /school pick ups while you work

i don’t see the real hassle

if you have paid childcare then life will be normal but you will be doing the evenings /nights on own

why do you want to go and see inlaws

wouid have been nice for all to go and take kids

assuming haven’t seen them in person since covid

How much time between now and when he's booked to go?

Blondes, the way it worked in our house is that one person dropped at nursery and the other collected. So having only one parent around meant short days for that parent (0930-1630 in the office instead of 0800-1630 or 0930-1800).

so yes, I would expect DH to check and say “are there any early or late meetings you can’t shift in the week of 18 Nov?” or whatever. So that I had the chance to say, “I can’t move X, can you make it the week after?”

Proper nutter here.

It's actually more controlling to expect one parent (the one with the vagina) to be on call 24/7/365 just in case he happens to decide to book dates he hasn't checked are fine.

For the hard of reading and thinking... She doesn't give a shiny shit about him going, it's NOT CHECKING THE DATES that's the issue.

What if she'd booked something that weekend as well @Colderthanever or does the carte blanche only apply to one parent (the one with the penis)?

He should have discussed the dates before booking.

it’s done now… hopefully it won’t happen again.

Yes he should have checked dates. But if they were ok dates for me, then I'd just tell him to check first next time 🤷🏻‍♀️

He's not going on a stag night!