Wedding Abroad - No Children Allowed

[mrsthomasx]

Some of our very close friends are getting married abroad next September and have just told us that they do not want any children there.

I’m pregnant and baby will be around 9 months old when they tie the knot and honestly I don’t know what to do.

I’m not even a parent yet and I can’t imagine leaving our little baby/child at home for 3 nights at this young age. They are some of our best friends and I also really don’t want to miss their big day.

I can’t help but feel its a little unfair as the reason why kids aren’t allowed is because they don’t have kids and I completely understand but they’re already asking a lot for us to travel abroad and now leave our little baby at home.

I have torn with the idea of perhaps taking a family member out with us to look after them on the wedding day but that makes me feel guilty on them, then I was thinking that we would all go but only myself or my husband would actually attend the wedding but then that makes me feel sad. Alternatively we both don’t go and I just have to say that I’m not prepared to leave my baby at home in another country but I don’t want to cause any drama!!

Basically I don’t know what to do! Help Mamas xx

I'd just decline- it puts so much pressure on yourself and as a ftm with a young baby you just don't need it.

My baby is 6 months currently, breastfed, refuses the bottle and just starting introducing solids. I wouldn't want the pressure of figuring out a way to leave him in 3 months time. And I just wouldn't leave him overnight, I know he wouldn't settle and it just wouldn't be fair on him.

If they're good friends they'll understand.

Honestly other peoples weddings aren't that great..
They are getting more and more expensive. Hen/stag weekends... weddings abroad / baby sitters for the day.

I simply would politely decline.

Why are destination weddings entitled?

We got married abroad and only wanted closest family and friends there - this made it easy to have a small guest list.

We paid for their (nice, air conditioned with pool) accommodation for a week’s holiday (they paid for the flights though), and told them not to get us gifts.

A couple of people couldn’t come and we made it clear that wasn’t a problem at all.

Everyone who came had a lovely holiday and most still talk about wanting to go back there.

So why does that make us entitled?

We have absolutely zero help with childcare from family and I have been a parent 11 years, no one has ever minded our kids even if we were ill so there would have been no chance to leave our children anyway with anyone …
I wouldn’t have left a 9 month old regardless as wouldn’t have been able to relax and I was still breastfeeding babies at 9 months.
We are both now 37 and have been parents a long time , throughout the years we have missed many ‘child free’events , I can’t stand the assumption that everyone has help , our family are around but they don’t want /won’t help us even for 10 mins with our dcs. That’s life and their choice.
We have swapped over loads throughout the years to go to different events. Tbh now our circle of friends are all having babies they now finally get what a total pita it was for us at times.
Honestly is the best policy , I’ve said to plp flat out : we don’t have anyone to watch the kids , we can’t leave 3 small children for the weekend with a random teenager (at 10 euros an hour where we live ) , one of us will go or neither of us.
They have every right to organise their wedding how they want but obviously leaving out small dcs might affect their guests who have small dcs. Again hate the assumption that everyone has family willing to help or travel to Bbsit!

There is no way I would even consider it.

If they don’t want a baby at the wedding, it’s unlikely they want one for any of the three days.
I’d either say no or say you’ll decide nearer the time. I wanted a break by that age and left dd with gp’s.

I guess because people are spending a week there which may not have been a location of their choosing, and may require annual leave that they could have used elsewhere? And I doubt everyone who has a destination wedding pays as much of their guests' costs as you did.

That said, for what it's worth yours sounds fair enough to me as you paid a lot of the costs and didn't seem offended if someone couldn't attend, I think that makes a huge difference.

Just don't go. It's a way of them limiting numbers without having to do anything tricky their end.

I'd have had no problem leaving my 9mth old if it were a wedding I actually wanted to attend. I'd also have had no problem declining either if I didn't want the whole expense, both time and financial. I do love a childfree wedding though.

Just decline if it doesn't work for you OP. They aren't going to mind.

I wouldn’t go and I wouldn’t feel bad about it. Even childfree weddings often allow for babes in arms. If you’re breastfeeding you definitely won’t want to leave him or her for 3 days. If you’re not you still might not. And at 9 months you’ll likely be at the end of maternity pay even if you’re going to be off longer and money might be tighter than you expect.

Good reply suggestions above. Decline, put it from your mind. They’ve made a choice to prioritise a destination over the people they’d like there, fine but it comes with the high chance people can’t or won’t be able to attend. They may not be parents but they are meant to be your friends so they’ll be fine with knowing you won’t be able to go.

My kids are 15, 12 and 10 and in all those years I have never gone away abroad without them. They have never gone abroad without me either. I cannot even imagine leaving them as babies. Mine didn't have sleepovers anywhere until they were nursery aged. A no child wedding is fine. A no child destination wedding? Don't be upset if people decline.

My mil demanded that we have a child free wedding because all the children in her side were grown up. All my family however were coming as far as London to Scotland and there was no way that I was expecting people to find childcare for days, particularly when their family (who I assume would be who they'd usually ask to babysit overnights) would be coming too. Told MIL to shove it... along with every other stupid demand she had. If I had said no kids then I absolutely could not be upset that most parents declined the invite.

They probably have already. They wouldn’t not invite you as you’d be hurt not to be included in the guest list. You can be annoyed all you like about missing their big day but it’s their day and I think they made their plans knowing certain people couldn’t join then.

Just say you can't go. Sorted!

They of course did have to use annual leave, but everyone was happy to. We discussed the idea beforehand with everyone important to us though, to make sure they were happy with it. If people weren’t keen we wouldn’t have gone down that route.

It’s a no from me- faffing with childcare and separation issues, the expense on mat
leave. Just no- enjoy your day but I’m not bending over backwards to celebrate

I agree.

Destination weddings are selfish.

Even if the bride and groom are paying for everyone’s accommodation, flights, food and expenses. There’s still the issue of getting time off from work, which you could have used for your own holiday.

And if you don’t go because you can’t afford it or can’t take time off work, you either miss out on something you wanted to go to or it looks like you don’t care.

I think if couples want a destination wedding they should just do it with no guests.

Just say no, I declined a child free destination wedding last year.

What planet are you on that you think it’s selfish to get married abroad, even when giving guests an all expenses paid holiday?

Oh poor me having to use annual leave for a free holiday.

Of course most people don’t pay for everything but there really is no obligation to attend.

IME most people get married abroad because they don’t want many people there. Hence they are hoping for lots of refusals on the invite.

Similar situation here -

Friend has just sent invites for a wedding next Easter. Child free and abroad.

We have 2 children who at the time of the wedding will have just turned 3 years and the latest will be 7 months.

Similarly I have toyed with "let's pay for my mum to come and watch them during the wedding at our air b&b" but there's the added cost, the fact my poor mum might not want to do that and the venue is super remote so there will be nothing to actually do for them.

I have said to DH why doesn't he go as it's his friend and I'll stay with the kids but he's not keen on using holiday from work and money to then not be spending time with us, and then for it to be less fun at the wedding because we aren't both there.

The reality is they want an rsvp by the end of the month. My youngest will be 2 weeks old at that point and I'm not ready to commit to going abroad without them. Therefore I wish them a lovely wedding, I will not be attending and I feel sad about that but that's the choice they make by Having a child free destination wedding. I will support DH if he chooses to go and feel a bit sad that I'm missing out but it's part of my choice not to leave my kids.

I'm a big advocate of everyone Having the wedding they want and doing it in a way that suits them. But either of the choices for destination wedding and child free wedding will mean people can't come, by doing both you will have a greater proportion who can't make it. So they have to accept that just as much as I have to accept my willingness (or not) to leave my kids means I'll miss certain things - nobody is obliged to invite them anywhere!

Of course don't go. Destination weddings are absurd anyway.

Just say no thank you and forget about it. If you say yes and try to make it work you'll be stressed for the next year.

They’re being selfish idiots.

Tell them no.

I wouldnt be leaving my child with anyone to go to a wedding.
I would literally go for a coffee with said friend and say 'thank you for the wedding invite, sadly we wont be coming, it isnt appropriate to leave baby in the UK while we go abroad and financially not viable to bring a babysitter. Enjoy your special time, we can celebrate later'.

If they dont like it, tough. There needs to be a bit of give and take otherwise they could be excluding a big proportion of people from their big day.

OP it sounds like you’re better to decline now and if for some reason you feel it’s possible when the wedding dates draws nearer you can then try and change your RSVP to Yes. But better to say NO initially, so if you don’t go you won’t be disappointing them.

I love the idea of destination weddings but personally if I had one, I’d probably then have some kind of post-wedding celebration in the area I live. My friend kind of did that, she rented out this gorgeous castle for her guests which she paid for near the city she lived and kept it small and intimate but then she had a bigger relaxed event in a hall for more people.

But either way I don’t think it’s entitled at all to have destination weddings or to make them child free, as long as you accept that some close friends and family might not be able to make it. As many have said before it’s an invitation not a summons. But it’s perfectly reasonable for them to celebrate their big day how they want to and perfectly
reasonable for guests not to attend.

If they really wanted to celebrate with all their friends & family, they wouldn’t be making it so difficult for people to attend.

A destination wedding with no kids is a double whammy. They’ve effectively said that having their vision of ‘the perfect wedding’ is more important than their guests. Great for them, more costs & inconvenience for everyone else.

Don’t feel guilty about turning down the invitation.

Who pays? If I did this for one of my kids I wouldn't want them to pay for flights and a room for me but I'm living on a pension, have a bit of savings but they have to last as I can't save on my pension so can I afford it? Flights and a room for a few days isn't cheap is it.