Wedding Abroad - No Children Allowed

[mrsthomasx]

Some of our very close friends are getting married abroad next September and have just told us that they do not want any children there.

I’m pregnant and baby will be around 9 months old when they tie the knot and honestly I don’t know what to do.

I’m not even a parent yet and I can’t imagine leaving our little baby/child at home for 3 nights at this young age. They are some of our best friends and I also really don’t want to miss their big day.

I can’t help but feel its a little unfair as the reason why kids aren’t allowed is because they don’t have kids and I completely understand but they’re already asking a lot for us to travel abroad and now leave our little baby at home.

I have torn with the idea of perhaps taking a family member out with us to look after them on the wedding day but that makes me feel guilty on them, then I was thinking that we would all go but only myself or my husband would actually attend the wedding but then that makes me feel sad. Alternatively we both don’t go and I just have to say that I’m not prepared to leave my baby at home in another country but I don’t want to cause any drama!!

Basically I don’t know what to do! Help Mamas xx

I had a similar situation but my kids were 2 and 5 months at the time. We just could not make it work for the 5 month old as she was still EBF and a bottle refuser. I didn't mind about the abroad program child free nature of the wedding. It wasn't technically a destination wedding as it was the groom's home country and their weddings go on for hours and aren't kid friendly at all.

We had to decline but we're all still friends.

For you though, I'd see how you feel nearer the time and what the situation could be with childcare and travel.

I would either decline or a gentle "we likely won't be able to go but we'll decide closer to the time, let us know the deadline". I have friends who left the baby with grandparents and went on holiday for a week and all was fine. But personally I couldn't have done it emotionally - or practically as they were bottle refusers.

Child free weddings are fine, destination weddings are fine but choosing both will restrict options for a lot of guests. If a lot of their friends or family have small children who aren't invited they may change their minds.

I wouldn't go.
We are in the same situation with 2 abroad weddings next year, the one in September is a close friend of my partner so he is going alone, leaving me with our toddler and an 8 month old baby (I'm also expecting). Originally we were all going to go but they want to do a few days either side of the wedding which is also child free, so I'd literally have to be with them on my own - completely pointless and super expensive. They understand why I'm not going to go I am sad as they're lovely.
Other wedding is in May and we are on the fence about going. Originally all invited and now the invite has changed to just me, I will be breastfeeding. Again, about a 2k holiday for all 4 of us to go and my partner to spend a whole day either bringing the baby to me to feed, along with a toddler (who will likely be very frustrated).
Tell them now and they can either agree for you to bring baby or they accept your reasons for not going.
I used to love abroad weddings but now the fact these will cost our family approx 5k for 2, use our annual leave and it be stressful... just a no from me.

It's a long way out so why don't you wait and see how you feel? You may be perfectly happy to leave your baby at home and take a few days break!
Or, there may be a babysitter where you are going.

There’s no way in hell I’d have left one of my babies in another country. I’d decline.

They can make that decision for their wedding but they have to accept some guests therefore cannot go. Why not say you will decide nearer the time? It’s impossible to make a decision without the baby here as you might be completely fine to leave it behind and have a break! Or take someone along to babysit. Or go by yourself if it’s your friend and leave baby with dad at home.

This. And don't give it another thought. Your priorities will be different when baby arrives.

If kids are welcome at the reception what we would do is one of us just miss the ceremony itself.

Reasonable to not go at all if you prefer but if you both want to go to the party and rest of the weekend, that's what I'd do.

I personally don’t go to any wedding that is abroad, so I would decline even if kids were invited.

I think it’s a bit much to expect people to pay out hundreds of pounds just to attend someone else’s wedding.

If people have weddings abroad or adults only that is completely their choice but they also know that many people won’t be able to attend, so there won’t be any drama.

If I really wanted to go then I would plan to go as a family and DH stay in the hotel with the baby whilst you go alone.
Then you can make it into a family holiday.

If they are equally both you and DHs friends then I would say now that you won’t be able to go.
I don’t think bringing a family member just for childcare is going to work.

What you must understand is that if you have kids and are invited to a 'no kids' wedding, particularly if you have a baby, is that they know you can't come so it is a good way of keeping the numbers down whilst appearing to be keeping the numbers up and blaming you for not attending and giving you months of angst ridden sleepless nights for how to tell them.

Do people who get married abroad also expect a wedding gift?

9 months is when separation anxiety arrives. I wouldn’t have left my Dc at that age for a few days abroad.

You don't go. Simple

We got married abroad and no, people coming to the wedding was more than enough.

Some took us at our word, some gave a small token and some gave their usual (we're Irish so typical presents are generous).

Don’t stress this. Just decline politely and tell them you hope they have a wonderful wedding.

It's really a personal decision of what you want to do. You've considered all the options you have. Having small kids means you do miss out on things when they are small unfortunately. Or you pay extra to bring a family member if one is willing. If it upsets them that you decline then that's on them not you. It's perfectly understandable to not want to leave young children at home while you go abroad. Some might be fine with it, many wouldn't be. If you are good friends with other guests attending then I would probably opt for going as a family of 3 and one of us staying with the baby during the wedding and swapping out mid way through the reception. If you don't know people and will be in your own then I'd politely decline.

Ask the hotel you are staying at for childcare options. We would trial the childcare while there in advance is pay the baby sitter to look after baby when we were there and if happy confirm booking for day of ceremony. Babysitters at hotels want the good reputation or they won’t get anymore bookings so have always been ok

They can plan their wedding however they like, just as you can decide whether to attend or not. Personally, I wouldn’t go.

I'm still not ready to be in a different country from my child. She's 6.
I couldn't have left a 9mo I'd have got a blocked milk duct. I saw a woman at a wedding proudly telling us she'd left her 9mo once.

It's up to you and not wanting to leave your baby is perfectly reasonable.

Yep, it’d be a no from me. Perfectly reasonable for them to want a child free wedding but also perfectly reasonable for you to say that doesn’t work for you.

Politely decline and don’t lose sleep over it.

Just politely decline, you don't even need to give a reason. I never understand why people get so anxious about saying 'no thank you' to an invitation.

This. Destination weddings are so entitled anyway.

@RampantIvy yeah they expect gifts still, usually money. The one we are probably not going to go to was going to cost us about 2k for 4 days plus they wanted a cash gift... people we have seen once this year!

I’d wait a few months and then say you’ll have to see how things go as you will have a young baby. They will need to understand that they will lose guests if it’s abroad and no children.