Daughter's incessant talking

[Chococholic]

I really want to enjoy both my daughters but I struggle with the older one. I love her, I am so proud of her, she is bright and enthusiastic about everything in life, but her persistent chatter is intolerable.

She just can't stop.
And she barely takes a breath. The stories go on and on and on. When she was younger, I thought it was me- my inability to cope with having children, but as she's got older (she's now 9) and I have another daughter who has just turned 5, I can see that it's not my inability to cope as a parent.

The younger one also likes to chat, but there are periods of quiet and calm, with my older one there are no pauses or breaks at all. I feel awful because I'm at a point where I have to keep asking her to stop. I can not concentrate at all when I'm driving; I can not think clearly at all. If I "zone out" as advised by my husband, she gets louder and louder and asks me lots of tag questions, making statements about random things ending "isn't it" "wasn't it" "didn't it". She'll say things like "it rained all day yesterday didn't it?"
"Mum didn't it"
"Didn't it mum?"
"Rained all day didn't it?"

I have carved out time for her to talk to me throughout the day, walking to school, walking home, after dinner and at bedtime, but it's never enough for her. I can't be her constant listener, it's draining, I can't focus and my youngest child is starting to misbehave for my attention. I am not perfect but I'm trying my best. I try to give my undivided attention when I'm with them, I put my phone in another room, I'm trying to engage as much as I can, but she's bit satisfied.

The chatter has affected her friendships and another parent told me their child gets "overwhelmed" by her. She doesn't have any close friends really because she just talks at them non-stop about very informational, quite mundane topics. I have asked her teachers if they think there is something underlying (like ASD/ADHD) but because she's so bright they aren't really considering it.

I know it isn't typical talking, because I have seen that her friends and my younger daughter aren't like this. I don't feel as drained and exhausted in the company of other children like I do hers. We can't even watch TV together without her constantly narrating everything that's going on. I'm so tense when I'm around her sometimes that my jaw will ache, or the joints of my fingers, because I'm so tense with the incessant chatter. I literally can't think about anything.

My psychologist friend advised me to give her more undivided time and attention but it doesn't work, she craves the same amount afterwards, if not more. Then another Friend recently shared a meme about always listening to the small things children say so that they tell us the big things when they're older, but I'm at a point with my daughter that I'm having to ask her to stop talking often and it worries me that I'm creating future problems. But I also know that I can't just be her constant sounding board. My younger daughter even puts her hands over her ears sometimes when she's talking non-stop.

Husband's perception doesn't help, he just tells me to ignore her and zone out like he does. But I've known her ask a question a dozen times before he'll even look up at her, so she comes to me.

She's a lovely, sweet girl with a love for the world around her, but I really can't keep being her sounding board, it's persistent from the moment she opens her eyes,, to the moment she goes to bed at night and it's affecting us all.

What can I do?
Please don't tell me to listen to that meme, I just can't spend my entire time answering her questions and listening to her. It's just not feasible or tolerable.

Hmm I'm not so sure about "training" not to speak during something she enjoys as above. Imagine someone who loves watching football being told they could only cheer after the match is finished!

Those who are neurodiverse just have different ways of appreciating things (like football fans vs opera goers maybe ) with different unwritten rules.

I love the idea of helping her to see what makes communication with others easier, but it's 2 way and great to be aware of what makes communication great for her too.

However you can't always be listening so one model I use is "I really do want to be able to give you my full attention when we talk about rollercoasters/dinasaurs. So can we do that when I've finished making X. That will be about 10minutes, how about you set the time?...... etc."

Also really do you make sure there are times you do properly engage rather than always looking to escape.

Often its a ND way of trying to communicate with you and share their interest/world/mind with you.

My school tested our IQ's in sixth form. My IQ was the highest at 157. I struggled to time manage with exams and didn't finish so maybe even higher. The next highest person was over 20 IQ points lower but still now works as a doctor. I struggled with Alevels and did an art degree because I liked it but also because an academic degree wasn't realistic. I got a degree and qualifications but I still underperformed with regards to how intelligent I actually am. So the idea bright people can have ADHD is stupid. A child might be doing well in school but they might be underperforming, they just appear to do ok because the high IQ helps cover it up a bit.

And yes my daughter's grammar has lots of neurodiverse bright girls!

I agree with PPs who say you should keep pushing school. Look at their SEND policy, keep talking to the SENCO, keep a log of DD's behaviour so you can refer to it in meetings, look up the NICE guidelines on identifying ASD/ADHD and write a list of all the behaviours that could be traits. If you have meetings or phone calls, take notes and/or write notes afterwards so you have a record of what was said and agreed. Follow up important things by email.

Your local council will have a SENDIASS service, contact them for advice about what to do when your child is showing signs of possible ND but school is not taking you seriously.

Lastly if you can afford it, consider paying for a private assessment by an Occupational Therapist with experience in ASD/ADHD. They will observe DD's behaviour and make practical recommendations for things that will help her. You can share the report with school and it might make them take you more seriously.

PS Also if I were you I would buy myself a pair of noise-cancelling headphones, and explain to DD that sometimes you need quiet time so you will put the headphones on and that means you can't hear her, you could get a visual timer so she knows how long it will be before she can talk to you again.

I have always managed to have friends but I have had to work very hard to achieve that, observing other people ect. It's tough having ADHD! I'm an art teacher now so at least I get paid to talk a lot. I also love the fact I'm able to move around a lot in my job as I'm very hyper !

Sounds like my dd also 9. And the loud singing😂but she's quiet at school

My DS2 is like this, 19 now and still a non-stop talker. He honestly never stops.

To be fair I always used to talk when I was anxious and I didn’t think someone was enjoying my company, like trying to offset any awkwardness. People forever told me how annoying I was and it was just so so upsetting I felt so rejected

Please be careful about the way you go about saying stuff, I can’t imagine how hurt and rejected she’d feel if her mother told her she talked to much.

Are there any games or activities which involve turn taking or like a sit down time you could talk about your weeks and pass a ball around when it’s your turn

You can pay for a private ASD assessment, if you don't want to wait for one on the NHS, which I think is taking years at the moment. Cheapest I found was £800.

They will want to speak to the school, as well as you and then your daughter. The school sound a bit clueless so it may be worth warning them. It sounds like they have very little idea about high functioning autism.

The place I found (highly recommended) charges £2k for an ASD assessment.

I decided to pay for an OT assessment (£300) and sessions because it's practical support for DC while we try and get an NHS assessment. I'm not paying £2k unless I absolutely have to.

She’s already 9, I think it’s fine to have a frank conversation about her verbal diarrhoea. If she really can’t stop then there may be something more going on.

Please don't do this OP (and what a horrible expression to use). I still remember the shame of being told something similar as a child, it caused me real damage.

For safety’s sake, when you’re in the car, can she respond to a code word that means ‘silence’? One of mine was a big talker at that age and younger, not really now, and I used to say ‘junction’ quickly to shut him up when approaching one and that worked.

Fixing socially inappropriate behaviour doesn’t need to cause damage. At any rate, and at worst, not half the damage ignoring it does.

Does she have an iPad or similar? If she does have adhd (which it sounds like she does) then screen time or games on a computer/iPad might help as it gives a fidgety brain something to do.

Also does she do much physical activity? Something to help release pent up energy.

You can also buy movement type toys for in the home, things that she can bounce or spin on.

It does sound draining and exhausting, my nephew is similar (ASC) and as much as I love him I'm glad to drop him home as a day of non stop talking is so tiring!

I’ve been mulling over your post as I’ve always talked a lot and sometimes maybe been a bit oblivious to when people are fed up with it. I remember my mum trying to pay me to shut up for five minutes when I was about 8, but I gave up after 30 seconds deciding it wasn’t worth the effort.

I was always a bit of an outsider as a kid as I also liked to talk about things that didn’t interest my peers at all. I think I’ve gotten better as an adult and there are positive sides to being very talkative too - I’m good at starting conversations and making people feel at ease now.

One thing that really helped me was learning a second language as an adult. Suddenly I couldn’t just talk away - I had to listen intently and really think hard about what I wanted to say, why and plan how to get it across with the limited language I had. And being someone who wanted to talk all the time helped me learn very quickly.

Could you get your daughter into a language course? It could be a really positive way to channel her urge to talk.

As a talkative adult with ADHD I agree with the person below about languages. I'm fluent in several languages and have done tourguiding in foreign languages. Where I had to speak for three hours in a second language while leading tourists around a city. I also get paid for talking in my main career as a teacher. In addition I have run kids parties as a princess which involves talking a lot and being hyper! She might end up getting paid to talk !

She does sound like there’s some SEN traits there

My DD is like this. She is lovely, kind, enthusiastic, great company - when she is regulated and relatively calm - and academically capable.

She was diagnosed as autistic at 9. I love her so much but she will follow me for a whole day talking. I have taught her that I need quiet time sometimes and will need an hour alone in my bedroom to chill. She does respect this now, luckily!

They aren't considering ADHD because she's 'too bright'? Are you sure they said that? ADHD has nothing to do with intelligence. My son is at a top private school on a scholarship and he is diagnosed ADHD. Might be worth rechecking...