Daughter's incessant talking

[Chococholic]

I really want to enjoy both my daughters but I struggle with the older one. I love her, I am so proud of her, she is bright and enthusiastic about everything in life, but her persistent chatter is intolerable.

She just can't stop.
And she barely takes a breath. The stories go on and on and on. When she was younger, I thought it was me- my inability to cope with having children, but as she's got older (she's now 9) and I have another daughter who has just turned 5, I can see that it's not my inability to cope as a parent.

The younger one also likes to chat, but there are periods of quiet and calm, with my older one there are no pauses or breaks at all. I feel awful because I'm at a point where I have to keep asking her to stop. I can not concentrate at all when I'm driving; I can not think clearly at all. If I "zone out" as advised by my husband, she gets louder and louder and asks me lots of tag questions, making statements about random things ending "isn't it" "wasn't it" "didn't it". She'll say things like "it rained all day yesterday didn't it?"
"Mum didn't it"
"Didn't it mum?"
"Rained all day didn't it?"

I have carved out time for her to talk to me throughout the day, walking to school, walking home, after dinner and at bedtime, but it's never enough for her. I can't be her constant listener, it's draining, I can't focus and my youngest child is starting to misbehave for my attention. I am not perfect but I'm trying my best. I try to give my undivided attention when I'm with them, I put my phone in another room, I'm trying to engage as much as I can, but she's bit satisfied.

The chatter has affected her friendships and another parent told me their child gets "overwhelmed" by her. She doesn't have any close friends really because she just talks at them non-stop about very informational, quite mundane topics. I have asked her teachers if they think there is something underlying (like ASD/ADHD) but because she's so bright they aren't really considering it.

I know it isn't typical talking, because I have seen that her friends and my younger daughter aren't like this. I don't feel as drained and exhausted in the company of other children like I do hers. We can't even watch TV together without her constantly narrating everything that's going on. I'm so tense when I'm around her sometimes that my jaw will ache, or the joints of my fingers, because I'm so tense with the incessant chatter. I literally can't think about anything.

My psychologist friend advised me to give her more undivided time and attention but it doesn't work, she craves the same amount afterwards, if not more. Then another Friend recently shared a meme about always listening to the small things children say so that they tell us the big things when they're older, but I'm at a point with my daughter that I'm having to ask her to stop talking often and it worries me that I'm creating future problems. But I also know that I can't just be her constant sounding board. My younger daughter even puts her hands over her ears sometimes when she's talking non-stop.

Husband's perception doesn't help, he just tells me to ignore her and zone out like he does. But I've known her ask a question a dozen times before he'll even look up at her, so she comes to me.

She's a lovely, sweet girl with a love for the world around her, but I really can't keep being her sounding board, it's persistent from the moment she opens her eyes,, to the moment she goes to bed at night and it's affecting us all.

What can I do?
Please don't tell me to listen to that meme, I just can't spend my entire time answering her questions and listening to her. It's just not feasible or tolerable.

My son is the same OP, although at 12 now he doesn't spend the same amount of time with me and can moderate his talking a little bit.

I recognise your exhaustion and frustration. I had to tell DS that my head was full and he'd have to be nice and quiet while it emptied out and then he could put more words in!!!😂

Even now when we have to leave the house in a hurry I ban him from talking until we are in the car and strapped in because his talk consumes every thought I'm trying to have and I feel almost paralysed.

It's ASD with DS and sounds very similar with your daughter. I send my huge sympathy to you. It will improve a bit as she ages.

Don’t be put off OP! that teacher is obviously a bit ignorant. Good luck with the referral.

This is v interesting as my oldest child does this. He goes on and on and onnnnnnn about his very niche obsession without a pause. It’s draining, isn’t it? I do sometimes wonder if he has ASD as he does have some signs but is so far coping well in secondary school.

My youngest has fully diagnosed, treated ADHD but doesn’t talk half as much. However, getting him referred for assessment was a nightmare as two of his teachers said he couldn’t possible have ADHD as he was so bright 🙄🙄.

My advice would be to absolutely chase your DD’s referral. Best of luck!

I can't imagine what it's like with two of them doing it @DottyLittleRainbow . I find myself just losing myself every day more and more with it. Can't think, can't plan, can't enjoy anything at all together. We can't even listen to music without her talking over it and asking me questions about the band 😪

Sounds like my ASD DD who talks constantly, on a loop, even when nobody is in the room! I sometimes 'zone-out' but feel bad about it - I can still hear her in the background but can't make out what she's saying like the teacher in Charlie Brown. I'm not a talker and I could go weeks without speaking a word so I find it difficult. I have a bank of stock phrases such as: "I'm not sure", "that sounds good" etc.

@ZestFest this is us!
Even now when we have to leave the house in a hurry I ban him from talking until we are in the car and strapped in because his talk consumes every thought I'm trying to have and I feel almost paralysed."

Leaving the house is the biggest problem! Every single day when leaving for school and we're trying to get shoes on, get lunch bags, school bags, coats on she'll be telling me about the victorians or about space. We have a "no talking" rule when leaving the house as I too can literally freeze with overwhelm and can't think ahead anymore. She forgets the rule every single day, which has been in place since she started Reception! I just have to say "we're leaving the house remember..."and she wil stop but it's like that reminder is now part of her routine.

"On a loop" @containsnuts sounds exactly right! When I'm not in the room with her, I can hear her singing or humming, or repeatedly couging and sniffing. She has to be constantly making some sort of noise. I get really irritable about it.

This is my 8 year old son!

We have worked very, very hard with him about asking relevant, appropriate questions. We use the analogy of a 'filter' with him and we have worked with his class teacher closely on this.

He's super intelligent & reads the encyclopaedia before bed, he is like a sponge for knowledge. But it has impacted on his ability to learn & listen (he's thinking about the next question when doing a task, rather than listening to the instructions); his ability to socialise (he'll go up to another child and ask them their favourite mineral or element!) & it's utterly draining, so he finds it hard to go to sleep as he was asking questions up until he nods off!

A turning point for us was reading a great book called Why will no one play with me. We worked through the tasks in there. We started to acknowledge to him when it was too much, and close down the questions or conversations gently. We use his filtering and actually got him to spend a whole day at school not asking any questions (unless for his safety) and it was very eye opening for him. We use mindfulness before he goes to bed to help him sleep.

Anyway, there is loads and loads we have done to help him navigate this and it's still a work in progress, but it's so much better.

My lovely 7 yr old is awaiting ASD assessment. He is very chatty indeed. His favourite subjects are numbers and London transport. I have to keep it quiet for as long as possible if we are going to travel anywhere ( which is basically any time we step out of the door) because the transport planning is very intense and it goes on all round the house! I have ADHD so sometimes have to do same as you guys and ask please stop until we have managed to leave the house/made my list with the use of my brain/ stayed in the bathroom for a bit etc

Does she stop talking in school, when teachers need her to listen, she has work to do etc? If so, you know she CAN, and you (and DD) just need to set a similar pattern at home. As she's 9, she's quite capable of discussing with you , how and when she has to be calm and quiet at school.

Her being bright doesn't discount potentially having ADHD or ASD so I would perhaps chase that up?

You need to chase and harass GP and SENDCO to get anywhere unfortunately! That’s my advice, keep pestering!

My 2 DD chatterers have ADD the only saving grace was there were 2 other DDs in between them and they talked at each other an awful lot.

Didn't realise they had ADD til the youngest was 16!!!!

If she needs to fidget, let her have fidget toys.... or even just some blue tack.

Sitting on a wobbly board or a yoga ball may also help with her sensory seeking behaviour

Could you introduce periods of time when you need quiet, starting with 5 minutes, and tell her you'll be wearing noise cancelling headphones for those five minutes and won't be able to hear her. Put it to her that you need the quiet. It possibly sounds cruel but your MH is important.

Oh and yes to the constant noise even when they're on their own! DS hums incessantly and it's at just the pitch/frequency that I can hear him wherever he is in the house and it puts me on edge. When he's brushing his teeth he's even louder because he's competing with the electric toothbrush.

Lately he's taken to having a fan on in his room at night for white noise while he's falling asleep and blissfully it covers the humming. I can still hear him tapping and drumming on the sides of the bed though!

Sometimes I can laugh about it, but mostly it exhausts and stresses me to the point I almost shut down.

Mine is like this.
Aspergers and very very very very smart!
So much chatter, even to herself!

I have two like this - one diagnosed with autism and ADHD. He says he talks loads because it makes his mouth feel nice, so now I’ve made an effort to increase his sensory diet and it has helped. Just got a wobble cushion to try out which is amazing.
The other one talks constantly as well, he’s getting assessed for ADHD. Teachers know nothing. Even the SENDCO said he’s not got ADHD, he just talks a lot because he’s the youngest, just like his youngest boy. Most of my family has ADHD so I definitely know more than a SENDCO with neurotypical kids!
I do have to ask for 5 minutes of quiet because I can’t concentrate on driving or whatever. It is relentless!

Both of ours are talkers and I understand the thing of feeling relentless. We have talked in particular to DS (diagnosed with ADHD) about not talking to us at length about things he knows we're not interested in, like Nintendo or Pokemon and I think he's picked up the message - we've also talked to him about the fact he needs to be sensitive to whether people are interested in what he's talking about, especially as he has just started secondary school.

Oldest was also a babbler (less so now) but I remember finding it quite liberating to realise that on occasions when I really couldn't take it, I could say (as kindly as possible) something like 'I don't want to hear about this right now' and they learned not to wibble on when we weren't receptive.

I kind of wish someone had said that to me more as a kid, as I am a terrible listener and talk too much as well!

Asking teachers about neurological conditions is like asking a plumber to fix your car - they are not medics! True, they may be in a position to notice the very stereotypical signs of well known neurodivergence, but they certainly will not spot a huge proportion of kids who aren’t “typical” or who have learnt to mask to fit in. Please don’t just take their word for it!

And please be assured that Autistic folks and people with ADHD are often HIGHLY intelligent and hyper-verbal. For the teachers to suggest otherwise just shows their ignorance.

Please do some research on ADHD in girls - they often present differently to boys. I think you will be astonished. She needs to be assessed so that proper support can be put in place for her. You’ll be doing her a huge favour!

Lastly, a common trait with ADHD is Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria- google it and see if she relates. If she feels like her chattiness is pissing everyone around her off (and she will sense it) it will really affect her self esteem. Tread carefully 😌

I have a 4 yr old who is like this! Her speech from being around 2 was at the 'advanced' end of the spectrum and ever since then she just talks and talks and talks at us allllllll the time. We have a 12 month old too and I feel he gets neglected because I can barely speak to him because I'm constantly having to respond to her. She does the "doesn't it?" "Isn't it?" "Right mum?" type thing you've mentioned too. If I try to focus and talk to my son sometimes she immediately begins talking at me "mum mum mum mum mum" if I tell her she has to wait because I'm talking to brother, she goes in a huff or starts crying or shouting or tantrumming or whatever. I feel a big part of it is her desire to have me/her dad's/close relatives full-on undivided attention every waking moment of the day but obviously that is not possible! She doesn't do this with adults outside of a few very close family members, and I've never really thought about it with her peers...she definitely talks much more than her friends do in their interactions that I see/hear. Anyway sorry no advice but solidarity!

I'm sorry it's getting you down. I think boundaries and whatever enforcement techniques you find work for her is the only solution for your sanity. Eg timers for when you are giving her your full attention and after that get on with what you need to do. If the talking at you continues, and it will, remind her you're doing something else and will respond later. She will get upset about it, you comfort her and love her while she works through those emotions. Then do it again & again till she learns that's your boundary. Once it's solidly in place you can flex it & make special rules eg for the 'big talks' from the meme.

It's not your job to 'make her happy' (vs develop emotional intelligence & resilience) listen to her 24hrs a day or erase yourself in the quest to satisfy her.

My DD is only 3 but since she was born there have been times when her incessant demand for me feels like looking into an emotional black hole. When I get near that feeling I know I've been too lax with my own boundaries and it's time for a reset, when things are more balanced we're both happier.

That teacher sounds incredibly ignorant if she thinks kids with asd/adhd etc arent bright.

My dbro has asd and adhd and wasnt diagnosed until his late teens in college. Schools can be awful at spotting the signs.

Definitely go back to the gp and push for that referal and time frame for it.

Please dont feel guilty for having Normal emotions. She sounds amazing but very draining. That doesn't mean you love her less it just means you are human and need down time where your brain isnt having to listen to endless chatter. My dn has asd and stimms loudly none stop. We all love him to death but now and again even his parents need to go upstairs for a ten minute break otherwise you end up with a tension headache.

I'm really pleased to have found this thread. I think I need to book a GP appointment for 5 year old DS (soon to be 6.) Like you OP, I am often frustrated and paralysed by the incessant noise. He literally cannot stay quiet for a few seconds unless he is watching television and then you have to call him several times to get his attention! He is also very emotional. Sweetest and kindest boy ever. Incredible memory but delayed in some ways. The school are very relaxed which has helped me obsess less but this thread has made me realise that we need to bite the bullet now. He has a twin sister who also lives a chat so between them I am talked out 🙈🙉

This sounds like one of the ladies I support, there can't be silence unless she's eating, and even then.. I'm someone who loves peace but I adapt for her and I feel like my heads been blown off after a session! She has ASD and ADHD.