Daughter's incessant talking

[Chococholic]

I really want to enjoy both my daughters but I struggle with the older one. I love her, I am so proud of her, she is bright and enthusiastic about everything in life, but her persistent chatter is intolerable.

She just can't stop.
And she barely takes a breath. The stories go on and on and on. When she was younger, I thought it was me- my inability to cope with having children, but as she's got older (she's now 9) and I have another daughter who has just turned 5, I can see that it's not my inability to cope as a parent.

The younger one also likes to chat, but there are periods of quiet and calm, with my older one there are no pauses or breaks at all. I feel awful because I'm at a point where I have to keep asking her to stop. I can not concentrate at all when I'm driving; I can not think clearly at all. If I "zone out" as advised by my husband, she gets louder and louder and asks me lots of tag questions, making statements about random things ending "isn't it" "wasn't it" "didn't it". She'll say things like "it rained all day yesterday didn't it?"
"Mum didn't it"
"Didn't it mum?"
"Rained all day didn't it?"

I have carved out time for her to talk to me throughout the day, walking to school, walking home, after dinner and at bedtime, but it's never enough for her. I can't be her constant listener, it's draining, I can't focus and my youngest child is starting to misbehave for my attention. I am not perfect but I'm trying my best. I try to give my undivided attention when I'm with them, I put my phone in another room, I'm trying to engage as much as I can, but she's bit satisfied.

The chatter has affected her friendships and another parent told me their child gets "overwhelmed" by her. She doesn't have any close friends really because she just talks at them non-stop about very informational, quite mundane topics. I have asked her teachers if they think there is something underlying (like ASD/ADHD) but because she's so bright they aren't really considering it.

I know it isn't typical talking, because I have seen that her friends and my younger daughter aren't like this. I don't feel as drained and exhausted in the company of other children like I do hers. We can't even watch TV together without her constantly narrating everything that's going on. I'm so tense when I'm around her sometimes that my jaw will ache, or the joints of my fingers, because I'm so tense with the incessant chatter. I literally can't think about anything.

My psychologist friend advised me to give her more undivided time and attention but it doesn't work, she craves the same amount afterwards, if not more. Then another Friend recently shared a meme about always listening to the small things children say so that they tell us the big things when they're older, but I'm at a point with my daughter that I'm having to ask her to stop talking often and it worries me that I'm creating future problems. But I also know that I can't just be her constant sounding board. My younger daughter even puts her hands over her ears sometimes when she's talking non-stop.

Husband's perception doesn't help, he just tells me to ignore her and zone out like he does. But I've known her ask a question a dozen times before he'll even look up at her, so she comes to me.

She's a lovely, sweet girl with a love for the world around her, but I really can't keep being her sounding board, it's persistent from the moment she opens her eyes,, to the moment she goes to bed at night and it's affecting us all.

What can I do?
Please don't tell me to listen to that meme, I just can't spend my entire time answering her questions and listening to her. It's just not feasible or tolerable.

Any teacher that says “people with ASD are not bright” obviously don’t have a clue about ASD.

As I said in a previous post my dd1 has just started uni, she’s done well all through school getting level 9’s in GCSE and good A level results. Her constant talking hasn’t really effected her learning, she has been a part of the ‘debating club’ at school and is hoping to do the same at uni, she’s been offered a place on youth parliament (but refused), she is actually quite shy when it comes to public speaking which is a shame.

Yes the talking can be annoying, dd knows she talks too much and we often joke about it, she’s just very passionate about many things and she likes to share information with everyone 🤣.

i had this with one of my dd is a bit like this. She was delayed speaking but when she got going she’d tell us these huge monologues. I think she was about 4 or 5 when I had to sit down with her and explain how to have a conversation. It really upset her at the time but I told her that it was like writing stories and sentences. I also had to explain if she’d told us the story once she couldn’t get upset if we politely said we’d heard her tell to us before. I explained people would not want to play with her if she kept talking at them and not having a conversation.

I made sure that as we’re a big family that at dinner we went round the table and told each other about our day whenever we could and found time to listen and value each other. It forced her to listen and also be heard.

perhaps your dd just needs some guidance, if you’re just zoning out how is she to know what she is doing is not fair to those listening. I would try to have a honest conversation so she doesn’t end up being ostracised by others. No one wants to upset their child, but if she learns to recognise the problem perhaps it can be fixed? As your dd is older she may be able to explain why she does it, maybe she has anxiety? Tackle it together and practice conversation techniques and phrases to say when you feel she is talking too much and that she knows she must find something else to do to give the listener a break from it.

DS(7) is like this, and I probably unintentionally rewarded it when he was younger because he was late to speak. At 4 or 5 I realised he needed to be specifically taught how to converse, not to prose on endlessly, how to know if the person he is talking to wants him to stop (looking away, not replying etc - there are books about this for children). It is still a work in progress but he is aware of the issue and a quick reminder from me or his teacher or TA reinforces it. I don't tiptoe around it but I don't let it get to the point where it winds me up - if he is wittering because he is anxious I address that with him directly. He is much better than he was, and has no social difficulties with friends so far.

He was assessed for ASD but didn't meet the criteria, although who knows in the future.

Just tell her to give it a rest.. and keep telling her. You are her parent, you need to teach her how to get on in the world, allowing her to be incredibly irritating is not doing her any favours.

What you have said may suggest something like ADHD to me bur I would need to see her completely in context.

Some kids talk a lot, some are high energy with little self awareness and as you say some have additional needs.

Teachers not picking it up isn't necessarily a lack of training but a lack of experience, especially if the response is that she's too bright to have ASD/ADHD. Teachers don't diagnose needs like this, we can flag or raise concerns but it is an educational psychologist that will assess for a diagnosis.

My 13 year old is like this and has been since she learnt to talk, she has ASD. In her case I think it is because she has special interests, but does not talk about them with school friends or get to do them at school so waits until she gets home to engage in them and then wants to talk about it with us. I apparently did this too as a child when excited about learning new topics of interest, but I would take the hint to be quiet for a while if requested. You could set a timer and she is not allowed to talk to you unless emergency/ injury etc until the alarm goes off and then build up the timer time to get her to become more independent from you.

A SENDCO or teacher could never say he hasn't got ASD/ADHD/Aspergers, they could only say they don't see traits (which can be a thing as some traits don't manifest in school and do more so at home).

Diagnosis is carried out by a medical professional, not an educator.

Sending solidarity! We have a ten year old whose just like this and it's very testing. We believe he may be on the autistic spectrum but very high functioning and not 'enough' to think that a diagnosis would be helpful so we've not gone down that route. After lots of consideration of his behaviour we have concluded he seems to be hyposensitive. Give it a google and see if it fits. Our little one NEEDS sensory stimulation in order to self soothe, so he likes LOTS of noise and chaos, including the sound of his own voice! Singing, fidgeting, silly noises, randomly dancing, getting very close to people etc. Obviously this is a kid thing but he just does it in ways that our other little ones and his friends don't-its very different and always feels inappropriate. Since we have framed it in our minds as him being hyposensitive and therefore having different needs we've been able to feel more compassion and less annoyance which has obviously really helped! But even if it's a difficulty to do with some form of diagnosis, you can still put boundaries in place. One thing we say to our ten year old is 'wait until we get in to the car to tell us your story' as he has a habit of starting stories on the ways out of the house when there's lots going on etc. You can put boundaries in place around narrating the TV. You could have a boundary of if she wants to do some silly noises that she can do those but she needs to go in to another room if other people are trying to have quiet time etc. For us these things are simply about teaching 'normal' social skills as opposed to any kind of punishment, whilst also recognising that he has sensory needs that others might not sure x failing that I've found myself leaving the room he's in and heading upstairs to scream into a pillow has been helpful on very bad days in order to not take it out on him! We don't want him to grow up feeling that he's annoying. We've also had explicit conversations with him about these things eg we know you need/like these noises but other people might not etc so we need to think how to manage it xx

OP just finished reading the thread and see you have the same problem when getting out of the door!!!!!!!!!!!

That's too wishy washy. Explain to her properly

I think a pp mentioned meditation? Might be worth things about in addition to the fidget toys. Obviously a kind of junior version as she's so young, but just practising sitting quietly and letting her mind be still for a few moments sounds like it would be beneficial.

I think it's worth taking this rather than just zoning out (God knows I can't blame you for that, I couldn't cope with this at all!) because it sounds like it's affecting her friendships which is a real shame because she won't understand why people aren't wanting to spend time with her.

We are going through the process of a private diagnosis of ASD for DD13.
She is the same, which then seems to have an impact on her DB and they never stop!
We have had some success with "think inside your head". Considering the sentance before it all comes out, as it often doesn't come out smoothly because she just wants to talk!
Hoping the clinical psychologist can also suggest strategies. . .

Oh and headphones have helped. Listening to music or youtube clips.

This is wrong. GPs can't diagnose. They have to refer to paediatrics. And referrals aren't accepted without a report from school.

This is exactly what happened @Sarahcoggles school didn't back up the referral.

You've had lots of good advice OP.

I agree with @Firstworldprobs though. I have undiagnosed ADHD with rejection sensitive dysphoria. I can still remember relatives comments about my inability to keep quiet over 30 years later.

I was the very chatty child, then I learnt that other people don't like it/it's not normal/socially acceptable and then as a teenager I became terribly depressed about it all.

If your daughter is able to stop talking then teaching her that it's not socially acceptable behaviour is OK and it'll be useful for her. If she can't stop then telling her that other people don't like it/ can't cope with it will potentially just make her miserable and kill her self-confidence.

My 8 year old dd was diagnosed with autism last year and is like this. It is exhausting! We went down the private route for diagnoses as we had some insurance cover but I know this isn't an option for everyone x

Can’t offer much advice OP.
What I will say is I’ve always been a chatterbox. I really wish someone had spoken seriously to me as a child/teen and taught me how to converse so that I listen more and talk less.
I’m retired now and I don’t think I talk as much but some friends were joking about my chattering recently and I felt quite upset.
I try so hard to listen more but it’s difficult to change a lifelong habit.

And please don’t label your dc as a chatterbox, it won’t change the chattering but may cause anxiety, I always analyse and worry at what I’ve said to people afterwards.

I would push for assessment for ASD and ADHD.

there are strategies that would be helpful and some great resources around. Michelle Garcia winner (SLT in the states) has some lovely curriculums and resources to help with social thinking. The ability to think about how other people are thinking and to modify behaviour accordingly. It might be helpful for her to potentially learn to recognise the social cues of when people have had ‘enough’ and then to find appropriate coping strategies of things that she can do instead if she feels she needs to ‘chatter’ but becomes aware that it’s not the right time. May also help her to learn some social rules (like I can repeat and ask a question again if I don’t get an answer the first time but after this I won’t ask the question again unless I am fairly certain they have not heard as opposed to have ‘tuned out’. Basically I think there should be lots that can help her and you and it can be done in a very child centred and positive way so that she doesn’t feel ‘bad’ about the ‘chatter’ but ‘enlightened’ about how others may be perceiving prolonged chatter and upskilled about what to do instead. It also is worth trying ti work out what the function of the behaviour is. Is it that she enjoys the monologue….so it’s like a bit of a stim so to speak or is it the attention that she enjoys and then find ways that she can still access this but in a way that is not draining for you. X

Sorry should say assessment to see if she has asd or adhd. Have the baby climbing on me so message a bit rushed x

It sounds like something you could work on with her. Could you get her to practice being quiet, for example, when listening to music, listen to one track, then she can ask questions, and talk for a bit, then quiet again for the next one? She might need to think of other things she can do to help with staying quiet for short periods, something to do with her hands for distraction maybe? It sounds like something she needs to learn if she possibly can.

Push the school. You need her assessed, if necessary and if you can afford it, go private. Not all teachers are shit, I spoke to a parent of one of my form 2 years ago re dyspraxia because of some things I’d noticed. I liaised with the SENCO who assessed him and he diagnosed him. The teacher saying she’s too bright to be ASD is bonkers. Many of the ASD students I teach are ridiculously smart, just like some of the neurotypical students I teach. Your child’s teachers needs some training!

@chocoholic This sounds like me. I have had to learn as an adult to curb incessant talking. I was diagnosed with ADHD a few months ago. I am 29. I tried to speak to someone about having it at the college I went to before uni. The idea was dismissed. Bright people get missed more easily.

When you’ve talked to her about how boundaries and social skills work, and how her behaviour has stopped her getting any friends, what happened?