Is a son really only a son until he finds a wife?

[Murphy91]

Hey all, yesterday I had my 20 week scan, everything is perfect with baby so far, and we found out we're having a beautiful baby boy (our first child)

Finding the sex out has really made this real for us both and we're already so excited. Today however, someone recited a quote to me. " a son is a son till he finds a wife. A daughter is a daughter for life" . So I thought I'd ask if any other boy mamas out there find this quote as depressing as I have! I'm now really worried that my son won't have a strong bond with me and will forget all about me once he finds his own family. I know im probably just being hormonal and over thinking. But im starting to wonder if I would have had a stronger bond with a daughter.

So I thought I'd ask all you boy mamas to share your stories and mother/son bonds with me. 💙

And to add it was her complete change in demeanour and behaviour which in turn caused her sons to pull away somewhat.

I really hope he realises im not his enemy one day.. thank you. Glad you got your son back! @AssignedSlytherinAtBirth

Your job as a mum is to teach your children to be independent. You don't own them.

If you go into things with the mindset that he will run off with his wife, you almost make that much more likely to happen.

I have two sons..they are total mammys boys..my husband is one of 3 boys.. they are all a a bit shit at keeping in touch but is daughters in law are very close and make the effort!

Don't worry OP, whoever said that to you is a fool.
It's idiotic, and somewhat creepy really. I'm not a replacement mother for my husband.

I don't think it's anything to do with emotional bonds and more that outmoded idea that the man leaves and becomes 'head' of his own household and doesn't need mum so much as his wife is supposed to do everything for him. And also old infantalising ideas about women.

This x 1000.
For what it’s worth DH has a great relationship with his mum. I have a strained relationship with mine, but it’s ok. Surely all the ‘going NC with my mum’ threads written by women on mumsnet show that this idyllic notion of mummy and daughter automatically being BBFs is a crock of shit. It doesn’t matter if your child is a boy or a girl. It says very little about what you’re future relationship with your child.

It all depends on how they are raised. Plenty of daughters no longer speak to their mothers and plenty of sons take care of theirs in older years.

Also, whoever said this to you is a dick. What a twattish response to someone sharing their baby news.

All I can say is that my H is an only child and his mum and me get on and are really close and she's very much part of our life. I'd respect him a lot less if he wasn't there for her and she and I have forged our own relationship and boundaries. So no, that old adage isn't anything like a universa truth.

I prefer the life advice of "don't be a knob"

If everyone followed that we'd go a long way!

XH would rely on me to arrange seeing his mum. She rarely made contact with us. Then was all over us when we had our children. Then ditched us again when SIL had children.

XH tried a few times to talk to her about how she made him feel, but he didn't, as he couldn't destroy her like that. XMIL would report back to me how lovely it was the days he went down to try to have these chats, as she saw him without me and the kids there, and it felt like she had her son back.

When we split after 15 years, he went running back into the fold. The best relationship between him and his mum now apparently. She rarely contacted her teenage grandchildren to see how they were doing throughout the split though.

Horrible selfish woman.

XDPs mum is very close to him. Rang him at least once a day and will stay at his for a month every 6 months (she lives in another country)

I think it's down to the relationship the mum builds with the son tbh.

You don’t lose them, but a lot of men seem to be crap at keeping in close contact once they have their own family. Too much multitasking!

It often relies on their wives to make arrangements, remember birthdays etc.

If wife and MIL don’t get on, he’ll prioritise his wife’s wishes for an easy life.

If MIL makes lots of demands, then DIL will push back and MIL will lose out.

Therefore I think the key is to ensure a good relationship with DIL. Don’t make her feel like she is in competition with you, or not good enough for your son. Be supportive and not demanding. Make her a friend, then you will be able to stay an active part of your DS’s and GCs’ lives.

Of course, everyone is different and this is a generalisation, but it’s often true.

I agree with this.

Depends on what sort of mil you are going to be?

Therefore I think the key is to ensure a good relationship with DIL. Don’t make her feel like she is in competition with you, or not good enough for your son. Be supportive and not demanding. Make her a friend, then you will be able to stay an active part of your DS’s and GCs’ lives.

It's all a bit one sided, isn't it? Is the DIL expected to make any effort to be empathetic to her MIL? And of course this is another situation where the man, the son, takes no responsibility as it's his mum's role to do all the work on the relationship and tread on eggshells so as not to give the slightest opportunity to be misunderstood. MIL's are expected to put everyone's needs and feelings above their own, apparently.

I'm the mother of daughters, so spared this, thank goodness. But I do have friends who've tried really hard to support and befriend their DILs, but who still have to take very much of a back seat in familial relationships, as their sons just go along with the DIL's (reasonably understandable) preference for spending time with their own parents.

Obviously there are wonderful and toxic MILs and mothers.(I had a spectacular MIL and a toxic mum). But from my observations I'd say that on average, it's tougher to retain a close mother/son relationship than it is a mother/daughter one.

So again, everything's down to the MIL? No-one else has any responsibility for the relationship, or for behaving well and kindly?

If he's anything like my brother he will be your son until your fridge is empty... and in that case he was worried about our mum, blissfuly unaware that she was on a 4 week holiday...

My ds is 20. We are extremely close. He has told me many times that no matter who he ends up with & even if he has kids, I will always be number one & they will just have to to deal with it hahahaha. I'm always trying to explain to him that once he's got a significant other then they & any children, should they arrive, should be number one & im happy being number two to them. The last thing I want is any future DIL or SIL thinking I'm competing with them or that I'm a horrible MIL.
I'm hoping I train him enough before he meets them lol.

Well yes.! That's the point of the ops question. If the mum doesn't maintain a good relationship with her dil it will affect their relationship.

It's a cliche that, in my experince, does actually have some merit. Of course, if you're a good mother I'm sure he'll remain close to you.

My son now has a wife who I love too. Not obviously with the same ferocity. And I know that in terms of affection I've moved down the pecking order. But I wouldn't want that any other way. It's quite right that his life partner os top of the tree.
He still calls me once a week (FaceTime, and usually when he's cooking, and we talk food and politics). And I miss him like mad.
He's ace

My son has a lovely wife. He still came home last week and asked 'mum, do I have any clean pants?' 😂

Anecdotally I would say yes. Pretty much all the men that I know are closer to their wives/ partners family. I have two DB's. One married with dc and the other single. My married db spends all Xmas / Sunday dinners/ goes on holidays with his in laws. When we invite them they say 'oh we've already arranged this for Halloween/ bank holiday with x's family'. We're a second thought really. I guess some of it comes down to my SIL organising more things with her family, which I think women are more likely to do. My db who is single would be close to my parents and sees them frequently.

Complete opposite in my family. I (female) spend more time with my in-laws than my own parents. DH is very proactive at arranging things with his family. My brothers are both married and spend more time with my parents than their wives families.
Generalisations aren't helpful. So much depends on personality, family dynamics, upbringing, how physically close you are to each family etc.

I’ve seen this be a reality so often. I wish it were just some old fuddy duddy irrelevant phrase but it rings true in so many families. You’ve only got to read the vitriolic mil threads on mn to see that it is fairly commonplace for DILs to have fractious relationships with their DH’s family. Some justified, many not.

I have a son and he’s lovely but I do assume that at some point he’ll be closer with his future wife’s family. I’ve raised him to be independent and independent minded so I just have to trust him and his choices and accept them.

I do have a happy ending here though. My elderly mother has always felt distanced from her son and his family because of a difficult DIL but since she was recently widowed, he visits daily, gets her dinner, does her shopping etc. She relies on him much more than me, her dd!

So maybe it should be ‘a son’s a son til he takes a wife but hang in there, be respectful, and eventually he and his wife will grow up and mellow and you’ll get him back.’