Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Original poster

The painful realities of parenting

82 replies

Trademarker · 12/10/2022 23:21

I have 3 dc - 21, 19 and 14. I became a SAHM when dc1 was born and never went back as dc3 has ASD and it wasn't possible. I really threw myself into the role and have loved being at home with them. Generally they've all been really good kids and have never brought any trouble to the door. Hard working, model pupils etc etc. All still living at home. I thought we are a close family and I envisioned us staying this way and me being the sort of grandparent to do childcare.

DS 21 is first year uni and has been staying with his friend for 2 weeks as his parents are away. Ds hasn't really been back other than to pick up clothes. Yesterday I texted asking if he'd like to join us for dinner and said we'd missed him.

DS over dinner basically said he was happier out of our house, which was too noisy and apparently me asking him how he is is very annoying 🤔 We aren't "really his type" and if it was up to him he'd live away and not have much contact, maybe only a text every week. None of this was said in any malice, he was just being honest (he really doesn't mince his words) but it has really floored me and I'm so disappointed.

For context we have a big house with plenty of space and ds has the biggest bedroom in the house, so it's not as if we are overcrowded and he has no personal space. We bought him a car for his 18th, have always made sure he has enough money to do sports and leisure activities and I feel have been really supportive of him. I take a lot of time to prepare him specialist meals that he wants due to sports training and I'm always on call if he needs a lift at any time.

I'm so gutted that this has shattered my visions of what our family would be like in the future. I obviously will respect his wishes, I'm not bothered that he'd rather live alone, because who wouldn't, but the fact that he would rather have low contact is such a blow.

Not Really sure what I want from thread other to have a vent as I can't really talk to anyone IRL. Feel free to share your disappointments, this parenting malarkey can be hard.

OP posts:
katmarie · 12/10/2022 23:33

Hes 21, in first year of uni, and is a grown adult. If he wasn't ready to fly the nest and step out into his own life, you would have done something wrong. He's an adult, he should be moving on. Him wanting his independence is a good thing.

Freespirit12 · 12/10/2022 23:58

@katmarie you have missed the point. Op doesn't mind him living alone, she just wants more contact than a forced text message every blue moon.

@Trademarker I totally feel your pain. You sound like a wonderful mother and rightfully deserve a lot more respect.
All I can say is to hang on in there and hopefully in time, your ds will begin to share your vision of family Life and be in contact a bit more. It may not be what you would ideally like but something you can compromise on.

PinkSyCo · 13/10/2022 00:39

Blimey even if your son thinks these things, he really didn’t need to voice them like that. At 21 he should be more mindful of other people’s feelings. Honestly he sounds rude and spoilt.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

21 years old Families General parenting
5zeds · 13/10/2022 00:52

@Trademarker

honestly?

I think it’s lockdown and has arrested development and empathy so you are really talking to a late teen (if that). I mean we all thought these things at that stage but did we voice them? I don’t think so. That said it’s a stage and not forever. No different than the 4 year old who tells you importantly that you must wash your hands as though you haven’t been saying that forever, because “Miss says”. He’ll be back when he’s done a bit of growing up. In the meantime tell him when he’s an arse, it will sink in later.

urrrgh46 · 13/10/2022 00:59

Is it possible that ds21 also has some neurodiversity? I have multiple ND teens/adults and they definitely never mince their words. You should tell him how hurtful his words are despite you being more than happy he's got his independence. If he definitely isn't ND then you should do the same but more forcefully and ask for an apology.

MrsTerryPratchett · 13/10/2022 01:01

21 yo DC SHOULD want to fly. And never look back. How does he know what contact he will want when everyone is under everyone's feet now? Absence makes the heart grow fonder.

MintJulia · 13/10/2022 01:54

PinkSyCo · 13/10/2022 00:39

Blimey even if your son thinks these things, he really didn’t need to voice them like that. At 21 he should be more mindful of other people’s feelings. Honestly he sounds rude and spoilt.

This. It's sad OP but you have raised a rude, entitled brat. But the bright side is stop your fussing over him, give him his wish to be truly independent and in a couple of years he should grow out of it.

When he's worked out that paying for everything himself, never sharing a family Sunday lunch and dealing with his own mishaps - flat tyres, power cuts etc, is no fun, he'll come back into your life. Don't start fussing over him again, treat him as an equal. He should do as much for you as you do for him. Then he will have grown up.

mackthepony · 13/10/2022 02:16

He is a brat.

His own car, biggest bedroom in the house and bespoke meals?

Wtaf

Tell him to come home when he knows better

TheSausageKingofChicago · 13/10/2022 02:25

I misread your thread at first and thought this was the child with ASD speaking. Not mincing his words, too loud at home and not really wanting much contact pointed me to draw the wrong conclusion. Is it definitely wrong and he’s not also autistic?

You may find this is just part of the cutting the apron strings stage. They do need to separate and you’ve all been very close till now. I’ve heard they do generally come back though, and you sound like an excellent mum. I bet when grandchildren arrive he’ll be calling on nan to work her magic.

Kennykenkencat · 13/10/2022 02:25

I would take his car, stop cooking him special meals and supporting him.

If he really doesn’t like you then you supporting him will go against everything he stands for.

He should just get out into the big wide world and see what it is like without a supportive family.

Spoilt Brat

Sindonym · 13/10/2022 02:34

He sounds as if he has gone to uni, thinks he is the big I am and much more sophisticated than the rest of his family. He’ll grow out of it.

i’d respond with sarcasm tbh.

One of mine is a similar age and very much outgrown the family home. I was fairly desperate for him to bugger off because he really needed to. Now he has he rings/FaceTimes me often (daily) to ask me all sorts. Yesterday he wanted me to help him put a fan together via FaceTime - wtf. I told him to either buy a screwdriver or go and ask one of his new friends who is more practical than him. He’d still see us as far too uncool for him though despite asking he stupid questions every day 😂

The comment about covid is interesting. I did hear my son say about 6 months ago that he was 20 years old with 18 years of experience. To be fair he isn’t really like an 18 year old, but this cohort probably are often a bit lacking in some experience and so a bit less mature than you might expect. Your son’s comments all sound a bit childish. He’ll grow up.

eltonjohnsglasses · 13/10/2022 02:40

His own car, biggest bedroom in the house and bespoke meals?

He does sound a little spoilt & ungrateful. Thing is doesn't really have to be respectful & responsible as you will clean up any mess regardless.

youlooklikeapenis · 13/10/2022 02:58

Well he's kind of a douche isn't he. You should have told him it's ok to keep his thoughts in his head.

youlooklikeapenis · 13/10/2022 02:59

And perhaps he should give up the biggest room and cook his own meals.

SirenSays · 13/10/2022 03:06

I wouldn't take it to heart. He got his first taste of adult freedom with a friend, of course he loved it. The reality of life on his own will hit him when he's paying his own bills and cooking all his own meals. He'll likely look back on tonight and cringe.

Olivetreebutter · 13/10/2022 03:34

Ignoring how rude he was (which I think you should deal with) -
My relationship with my parents improved drastically when I moved out. Once I had my own space, could live life in my own way etc then I found myself pulling back towards them and valuing the time I could spend with them.
We live a distance away now but I text my mom about random things and phone weekly. We go on holidays together and stay over at theirs for long weekends etc.

Don't be tempted to tighten your grip in response, it will only make him pull away more. Two weeks away and you were guilt tripping him into returning? My DHs family do this - we are busy, with busy lives and all we get is "we haven't seen you for ages, we miss you, have you forgotten we exist" style messages and it makes us want to visit less and frustrates the relationship.
Your DS was having two weeks away, you knew there was going to be an end point so you should have let him be.

Don't lose heart that this current phase will last. I think the general verdict is that by 25 we become nice people again after some of the difficulties of the teen years. Give him a chance to grow up and be independent. If I hadn't left for uni at 18 I dread to think what my relationship would have been like with my parents. Independence at that age is normal and natural no matter how close you might be.

Dogroses · 13/10/2022 03:36

This is heartbreaking to me! My dcs are only 5 and 2 but when the oldest tells me he doesn't need a cuddle or he wants to be alone I feel like a tiny part of me dies!

I would never have said it but there was a time that I thought my mom wasn't really the type of person I wanted to be. We've always been very close but I thought I was a bit different and would make better choices. Now I think she is amazing and didn't give her enough credit for her parenting, her career, her friendships. And my younger brother was barely in touch between 19 and 25 but now he's 33 and they get together at least once a week and text a lot. So I bet it's just blithe youthful ego and indifference.

Honestly though - you need a big hug 💐

Nandocushion · 13/10/2022 03:46

SirenSays · 13/10/2022 03:06

I wouldn't take it to heart. He got his first taste of adult freedom with a friend, of course he loved it. The reality of life on his own will hit him when he's paying his own bills and cooking all his own meals. He'll likely look back on tonight and cringe.

Awww I agree with this. He's really been a kid up to now but he's had two weeks away (with all his bills paid and needs taken care of) and now he's feeling like a big independent man about town. I guarantee he'll appreciate you guys much much more once he's out and paying his own bills and doing his own cleaning! He's not a "douche", but he certainly is misguided, and outspoken - I'd either laugh or try gentle sarcasm too.

AndTwoFilmsByFrancoisTruffaut · 13/10/2022 03:48

What an entitled brat. Stop being so bloody nice, he’s walking all over you and clearly has fuck all respect for you and your DH, talking to you like that. My parents were pretty crap and I would still never talk to them like your son spoke to you. He’s a little shit I’m afraid. You sound like such a lovely parent. He doesn’t deserve you.

Muddays · 13/10/2022 04:53

@Trademarker aw bless, you are a victim of your own 'success' eh?
Well, ideally he'd wake up one morning full of gratitude and awe and hug you and tell you how amazing and extraordinary you were to help him become such a strong and confident young man.
Nope. Probably won't happen unless you're in a backless medical gown talking gibberish.
Focus on being great with your other potentially ungrateful progeny and then think about the things you really want to do.
It always freaks children out when their parents do unexpected exciting things.
I'm not saying you need to skydive but maybe book something like a Tigermoth flight and casually mention it to your DS, saying that maybe next time he could join you because right now he'd cramp your style.

glassdarker · 13/10/2022 04:54

Honestly, kids in their 20's are just assholes really. Drunk on new found freedom without the experience (or fully developed frontal cortex) to really appreciate what they have.

Wait until their 30's and when they have children. The penny will drop. In the meantime tell them how it made you feel but also try and toughen up a bit and enjoy some of the freedoms it brings for you and your DH.

Written as a former asshole, whose parents have just saved her bacon by coming down to help when our childcare fell over. We'll also be seeing them in 10 days for half term...

bluejelly · 13/10/2022 05:44

Part of growing up and becoming independent is rejecting your parents. Don't worry, as previous posters say, he will be back. Try not to take it personally.

been and done it. · 13/10/2022 06:05

Quite frankly he's a rude ungrateful little shit

Unescorted · 13/10/2022 06:14

You sound like my mum. She has a view of what the family is like.... Her as the all singing all dancing leader if the family pack, dad as the wage earning silent partner. Me and my brothers being best of buds. All hugely successful, getting married and turning into our parents.
Life has not been like that

Singleandproud · 13/10/2022 06:16

It's just a case of the grass is always greener. He needs to spread his wings, live at uni next year, move the children's around so one of the others has the bigger room whilst he isn't there.

He won't fully appreciate all that you've done until he is older and a parent himself.

Swipe left for the next trending thread