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Original poster

The painful realities of parenting

82 replies

Trademarker · 12/10/2022 23:21

I have 3 dc - 21, 19 and 14. I became a SAHM when dc1 was born and never went back as dc3 has ASD and it wasn't possible. I really threw myself into the role and have loved being at home with them. Generally they've all been really good kids and have never brought any trouble to the door. Hard working, model pupils etc etc. All still living at home. I thought we are a close family and I envisioned us staying this way and me being the sort of grandparent to do childcare.

DS 21 is first year uni and has been staying with his friend for 2 weeks as his parents are away. Ds hasn't really been back other than to pick up clothes. Yesterday I texted asking if he'd like to join us for dinner and said we'd missed him.

DS over dinner basically said he was happier out of our house, which was too noisy and apparently me asking him how he is is very annoying 🤔 We aren't "really his type" and if it was up to him he'd live away and not have much contact, maybe only a text every week. None of this was said in any malice, he was just being honest (he really doesn't mince his words) but it has really floored me and I'm so disappointed.

For context we have a big house with plenty of space and ds has the biggest bedroom in the house, so it's not as if we are overcrowded and he has no personal space. We bought him a car for his 18th, have always made sure he has enough money to do sports and leisure activities and I feel have been really supportive of him. I take a lot of time to prepare him specialist meals that he wants due to sports training and I'm always on call if he needs a lift at any time.

I'm so gutted that this has shattered my visions of what our family would be like in the future. I obviously will respect his wishes, I'm not bothered that he'd rather live alone, because who wouldn't, but the fact that he would rather have low contact is such a blow.

Not Really sure what I want from thread other to have a vent as I can't really talk to anyone IRL. Feel free to share your disappointments, this parenting malarkey can be hard.

OP posts:
stayathomer · 13/10/2022 12:44

This. Give him the distance and time he wants and he will soon come crawling back to be made a fuss of!
He may not though, a number of my friends never fully came back to distant parents and all just phone each other on birthdays, at Christmas etc. And both sides think it’s the other’s job/ choice etc. If you do take a step back make sure it’s a small one x

stayathomer · 13/10/2022 12:45

Ps you sound lovely as does your house x

Bilbo1237 · 13/10/2022 12:48

Hi, firstly I can completely relate to this.
And I know how you are feeling.
When you are a stay at home mum, it becomes your job, your social life and everything in between. Basically I think it comes down to when out children grow up and want independence, us stay at home parents are afraid of losing our identity because a mum is all we are 99% of the time.
It's hurtful when they say things like your son has to you. I'm currently in a similar situation and have decided I'm going to keep my distance a bit but also making in clear you can't have your cake and eat it.
But still texting ect to check he is OK and happy

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BackOnTheBandWagon · 13/10/2022 13:13

Late teens and early 20s are dickheads. Think they know everything and can do everything. He'll get nicer again, as a PP said probably around age 25. Give him space, although probably also tell him not to be so bloody rude, and that one of the other kids will be moving in to his bedroom

chopc · 13/10/2022 13:28

@Trademarker little by little I am realising the same about our seemingly close knit family of 5.... luckily I didn't give up my job and have enough other Avenues to explore and things to do without including them which I am so pleased about

Yes it IS disappointing OP. Spoilt bloody brats if you ask me. Maybe he will realise one day maybe he won't. But you OP- you have done your bit

Original poster
Trademarker · 15/10/2022 10:37

Just coming back to say thank you to all that posted, it really has given me perspective. I've been thinking over the last few days that cultural issues aside - a lot of it is my problem - as a pp said so much of my identity is centred around the dc, and I just assumed this would continue when they have dc.
Having disabled dd at home almost full time means that it's not as easy as me just getting a job or applying for hobbies, but I need to make a conscious effort to forge out time to do something that's just for me.
Thanks again 💐

OP posts:
BooseysMom · 15/10/2022 13:10

Trademarker · 15/10/2022 10:37

Just coming back to say thank you to all that posted, it really has given me perspective. I've been thinking over the last few days that cultural issues aside - a lot of it is my problem - as a pp said so much of my identity is centred around the dc, and I just assumed this would continue when they have dc.
Having disabled dd at home almost full time means that it's not as easy as me just getting a job or applying for hobbies, but I need to make a conscious effort to forge out time to do something that's just for me.
Thanks again 💐

Thanks for your kind post. It sounds like you've got enough on your plate at home. You are just trying your best. I hope everything turns out well

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