The painful realities of parenting

[Trademarker]

I have 3 dc - 21, 19 and 14. I became a SAHM when dc1 was born and never went back as dc3 has ASD and it wasn't possible. I really threw myself into the role and have loved being at home with them. Generally they've all been really good kids and have never brought any trouble to the door. Hard working, model pupils etc etc. All still living at home. I thought we are a close family and I envisioned us staying this way and me being the sort of grandparent to do childcare.

DS 21 is first year uni and has been staying with his friend for 2 weeks as his parents are away. Ds hasn't really been back other than to pick up clothes. Yesterday I texted asking if he'd like to join us for dinner and said we'd missed him.

DS over dinner basically said he was happier out of our house, which was too noisy and apparently me asking him how he is is very annoying 🤔 We aren't "really his type" and if it was up to him he'd live away and not have much contact, maybe only a text every week. None of this was said in any malice, he was just being honest (he really doesn't mince his words) but it has really floored me and I'm so disappointed.

For context we have a big house with plenty of space and ds has the biggest bedroom in the house, so it's not as if we are overcrowded and he has no personal space. We bought him a car for his 18th, have always made sure he has enough money to do sports and leisure activities and I feel have been really supportive of him. I take a lot of time to prepare him specialist meals that he wants due to sports training and I'm always on call if he needs a lift at any time.

I'm so gutted that this has shattered my visions of what our family would be like in the future. I obviously will respect his wishes, I'm not bothered that he'd rather live alone, because who wouldn't, but the fact that he would rather have low contact is such a blow.

Not Really sure what I want from thread other to have a vent as I can't really talk to anyone IRL. Feel free to share your disappointments, this parenting malarkey can be hard.

Well, yeah. Why has he got the biggest bedroom?! He’s clearly under appreciating what he has as he hasn’t worked for it. Yeah l have the biggest bedroom in our house, as l saved up and made sacrifice to buy our house (plus l share it with fiancé who also did the same)

Thank you all for the replies, it's very reassuring to know that this is a 'thing'. To respond to a few comments - he's really not a spoilt brat - certainly not in the circle he grew up in. He went to a very selective (state) school and in his circle he was very much the poor cousin. So even though he got a (ten year old) car at 18, £200 a month for gym memberships etc it was a drop in the ocean compared to his friends, who were getting brand new BMWs for their 17th before they'd even had a driving lesson. He's worked at weekends since he was 14 and still works 2.5 days now (which is a lot as his course is very demanding). He's never demanded stuff or acted spoilt.

He's only in first year now as he had to repeat year 13 as he had a sports injury that kept him off for 3 months. He then started a uni course that he really hated from day 1 (which had always been his passion!) and we (along with course coordinator) encouraged him to try to stick out the first year as things would get more interesting in year 2. I think we've always been extremely emotionally invested in him and he told me his coordinator told him multiple times that he was very lucky to have such supportive parents.

This is more complicated in that we are not ethnically White British and culturally we are a lot more tied to family, so him saying he'd rather be low contact is a massive thing (the conscious decision to go no/low contact that I read on here simply does not exist for us). As parents our raison d'etre is to set up our dc for life. It's not unusual or considered a sacrifice for parents to go without in order to scrimp to save from they are born to get a house deposit and pay for their wedding. Culturally there is often a lot of emotional baggage along with that, and being born here I've worked really hard to not pass that generational trauma on. Ds' honesty would not be considered acceptable at all, but I'd rather the dc were able to be open and Frank.

Anyway as hard as it is I have to learn to manage my expectations and maybe focus on myself. Hugs to all of you who can relate.

Even if he feels like that there really is no reason for him to be so vocal and hurtful, it does make him sound immature and spoilt.

I would be changing the dynamic quietly. Not making a big deal about 'well you're and adult and want to live alone, if you go, let's see how you cope'. I would simply be feigning surprise when they expect things to be done/help to be given/financial support and not be forthcoming/be around when they need/being immediately available. You need to separate yourself from them gradually.

I would also be 'taking' back their room. Move their stuff to a smaller room and redecorate.

Our children need to understand that it isn't all about them, what they want, in their terms. They need to understand that a relationship is 2 ways and has mutual respect.

does he have ASD as well perhaps ? My son has Aspergers and has said similar when he was younger even down to the house being noisy and wanting to live alone. In fact he spent the whole of his 18th birthday in tears saying he wished he had gone abroad more as a child and had a better childhood as a result. This was from someone who struggled to go anywhere away from home so holidays were always tough on him and he had been abroad twice anyway. Then he accused his father of never having had any relationship with him despite all the years of support we had given him. It was gutting at the time but he is in his 30s now and has no memory of having said it and was only saying the other week what a great childhood he had so dont take it to heart too much. You sound a great mum who has done a good job so hold onto that and play the long game x

No ASD, he's like my DF who is extremely straight to the point (although he wouldn't have dared say such a thing to his DPs!) He doesn't like social gatherings or much conversation, but very much knows how to conduct himself and understands and follows social rules.
Thank you @cosmiccosmos I think the way forward is to change the dynamic quietly. I'll let him know we are always here for him but I'll respect his need for space and will leave contact up to him.

This OP

He is 21 I wouldn't take this as conclusive of what he thinks and how it will be. I would expect him to mature and change through his 20's too and he'll forget that he said that and have a completely different perspective at eg age 25 or 30. Your family relationship as adults has barely got started. You've laid the groundwork of togetherness as a family, he needs to choose that for himself as a grown up now. Give him the chance to miss it and he'll be back and making the effort to be a close family will all be his idea.

Sounds like he needs to grow up.

He'd happily give up his room if he could move out. Him and two friends were talking of house sharing this year but they would only consider moving into a very expensive part of town and ds couldn't afford that.

What's with the 'is he autistic'?
He sounds pretty normal to me. I was very close to my parents, but at 21 felt they had no idea about my life and they might as well be living on a separate planet. I actually moved to live in a different country to them (not because I wanted to be so far away, just moving so far from family was not a factor in my decision). I did like coming home for a couple weeks at Christmas, but I equally was happy to leave. Living in another country before the Internet was widespread and certainly before mobiles meant communication was often through letters (!!!). I didn't even have a landline phone when I was lodging as a student. So not uncommon to have a few weeks pass without much contact, and I was too busy enjoying myself to notice.
He'll mature and remember and appreciate you again. Just keep the channels open, be there to support if needed, and let him get on with things.

Reading your updates op, I think you are absolutely doing the right thing by leaving contact up to him. He is telling you (however clumsily) that he needs space to become a complete independent adult and you are wise to let him have it.

Also very wise not to take this personally. Many many 21year olds are naturally selfish I'm afraid! It's about a natural stage of life. That doesn't make him a shit or a spoiled brat as pps have said on here. It's a phase and it will pass as long as you don't push it and let him have the freedom he wants.

That doesn't mean that you have to put up with rudeness though or let him have everything on his own terms. Tbh I would become a bit busier with your own projects and a bit less available. And when he does eventually need your help, he might have to wait a few days until you are free! 😉Just so he gets the message that the world doesn't only revolve around him.

Take some time out for yourself op! Start a new hobby, volunteer, or do something that fills you with joy and focus on yourself for a while! You deserve it!

Whilst it is normal at 21 to want independence and to get a bit bored with your family, it is horrible to speak so cruelly to your mother!
op you sound like a fab mum but have you ever taught him to consider others feelings?

If he were mine l would pull him aside and tell him exactly what you said on here, that his comments were unkind and uneccessary, and why did he not consider the effects of his words before he spoke?

When life has knocked him around a bit he will definately appreciate you much more, do not continue to give him money if you do now, stop pandering to his diet wants, let him learn to appreciate all he has had and that sacrifices you have made deserve respect.

What he said was rude and unnecessary and I would have told him so.

Sometimes it's better to not say anything rather than this 'calling a spade a spade' bollocks.

I agree with @Rafferty10

If he were mine l would pull him aside and tell him exactly what you said on here, that his comments were unkind and uneccessary, and why did he not consider the effects of his words before he spoke?

It might be normal to feel like this, but I can't believe people are giving him a pass because he's 'only' 21! He's a grown adult, albeit an immature one.

Actually can his dad, or even a grandparent say the above to him? I think if it were me I'd genuinely be too upset to want to say anything. Like you, I don't want my kids to think they have to stay near me, I want them to spread their wings and fly the coop and all that jazz. But I don't want them to essentially tell me they want no contact with me for no other reason than it's 'not really their thing'. It's rude and so so hurtful.

I'm not sure I'd take the words of a 21 year old too seriously tbh. He might think he means all this right now but it's probably nonsense and he'll change his mind as he matures. It was certainly very thoughtless of him to say it but I wouldn't dismiss all your future dreams just yet.

Oh people are being harsh! Yes, he has been spoilt, and he is ungrateful, and he is graceless and needs a few kicks in the pants from life. Which he will get. And he will mature, and hopefully in due course he will be embarrassed about his current behaviour. He is a bit old to be going through this phase but....pandemic etc.

And yes, it was never realistic for you to think life wouldn't change and your children would never kick themselves free. But nobody loves it when that is happening. Once you stop clinging on and start to enjoy a bit of freedom, you will feel better.

My ds is 19.
He went to uni away from home and I really, really encouraged it. He is thriving. I hear from him once every few weeks, usually with a request about how to cook something.
University students need to go off and be young adults away from their parents.
They need to go a bit mad, make mistakes, try out adult living. Even practical things like learning to cook and living off baked beans for 3 weeks.

Then they can come home for a few days, enjoy Mum's cooking and be nice, and then off again.

At 18 I could not wait to leave home. Could not wait to go off to uni. Could not wait to have my own space, be my own person.
I am very, very close to my mum, always have been, and I live close to her now, but I could not wait to leave at 18. And I loved going to uni.
It is such a normal thing to need to leave the nest, and make your own way in life, and the more you as a parent hold on, and the more things you do for him, the more suffocated he feels and the more he wants to pull away.

There is an old saying - If you love somebody set them free, if they come back to you they are yours, if they don't they never were. Set him free a bit.

I would do 2 things

1. encourage him to move out and go off and be a student with his mates.
2. tell him that while he is entitled to feel that he wants to leave home, you did not bring him up to be a rude little shit, and he can mind how he expresses things, because others people's feelings matter.

@ChiefWiggumsBoy I can't tell anyone from the family that he said this as it will cause a fallout (for DS) and I really don't want that. DH is 1st gen and to hear that his son said this would be not only heartbreaking, but possibly unforgiveable. Like I said, culturally this doesn't happen. You might think it, but saying it is something else. I appreciate that ds has been born and brought up here and in a very white school, so he doesn't perhaps realize the enormity of what he has said. I have to reiterate that he didn't say it in a bad tone, he was saying he loves me so much, "but you know... you aren't really my thing". He said it in a jokey way, but he meant it. Dd1 was there and joked that once he's out the door (ie left the house) that we'll probably never see him again, unless we bump into him in the supermarket.

@steppemum you are so right, but it's just very hard to accept. Within my culture not speaking to your child for several weeks is unheard of. I feel like a terrible mum for not having frequent contact and asking about him. BUT I understand that ds' culture is more 'local' than how I grew up and I need to accept that. This sounds so dramatic but it almost feels like a form of grieving. It's not only the loss of a child but of a way of life, if that makes sense. I need to get myself a hobby.

Ultimately he will choose as he is free and an adult. All you can do is choose what kind of adult you want to be. It is true that you can do everything to your very best and still not reach the end you envisioned. That’s ok. Life is an adventure.

This. Give him the distance and time he wants and he will soon come crawling back to be made a fuss of!

He's entitled to his feelings and he's only 21! Testing the waters of independent life. He'll appreciate you and his family one day. Hang in there.

Trademarker
I do understand the cultural loss and I think that grieving is a good way to describe it.
But try and see it as a time of adjustment.
He will come back, he will want his culture again, but first he needs to pull away and find out more who he is away from his home.
You may even find that he becomes passionate about your culture again at some point
My brother is the ultimate leave home and boring bourgois parents behind. The things he said he would 'never ever do' when he was a teen.
He is now married with 3 kids and pretty much has the same values etc as my parents. Does all the things he said he would never do.

OP do you expressly voice how you would like your family dynamic to work in the future and could it be perceived as being maybe ‘smothering’

I wonder if your son is sort of marking your cards to say he wants a bit more independence.

Be careful in how you frame how you see family life panning out as the children grow. Too much focus on together time can push some away

DS 21 is first year uni and has been staying with his friend for 2 weeks as his parents are away. Ds hasn't really been back other than to pick up clothes. Yesterday I texted asking if he'd like to join us for dinner and said we'd missed him. DS over dinner basically said he was happier out of our house, which was too noisy and apparently me asking him how he is is very annoying 🤔 We aren't "really his type" and if it was up to him he'd live away and not have much contact, maybe only a text every week. None of this was said in any malice, he was just being honest (he really doesn't mince his words) but it has really floored me and I'm so disappointed.

I haven’t RTFT, but I agreed with the poster that said arrested development. He may be 21 chronologically, but what he said is exactly what most 18yos would say after 2wks staying with a mate and doing the party fest of freshers.

You are a close family. He’s just being a typical snotty teenager taking his cushy home life for granted and thinking he now “knows it all” since he’s been away from home for all of two weeks! And he’s not even lived independently yet!

Please don’t worry, they go through this phase and it’s only after they’ve actually had rent to pay, and groceries to procure, meals to cook, work to find, that they feel gratitude for how good they had it at home.

Don’t feel bad, his wishes are just the usual teenager BS. He will be mortified in a few years at how rude and pompous and know it all he was. Xx