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Original poster

The painful realities of parenting

82 replies

Trademarker · 12/10/2022 23:21

I have 3 dc - 21, 19 and 14. I became a SAHM when dc1 was born and never went back as dc3 has ASD and it wasn't possible. I really threw myself into the role and have loved being at home with them. Generally they've all been really good kids and have never brought any trouble to the door. Hard working, model pupils etc etc. All still living at home. I thought we are a close family and I envisioned us staying this way and me being the sort of grandparent to do childcare.

DS 21 is first year uni and has been staying with his friend for 2 weeks as his parents are away. Ds hasn't really been back other than to pick up clothes. Yesterday I texted asking if he'd like to join us for dinner and said we'd missed him.

DS over dinner basically said he was happier out of our house, which was too noisy and apparently me asking him how he is is very annoying 🤔 We aren't "really his type" and if it was up to him he'd live away and not have much contact, maybe only a text every week. None of this was said in any malice, he was just being honest (he really doesn't mince his words) but it has really floored me and I'm so disappointed.

For context we have a big house with plenty of space and ds has the biggest bedroom in the house, so it's not as if we are overcrowded and he has no personal space. We bought him a car for his 18th, have always made sure he has enough money to do sports and leisure activities and I feel have been really supportive of him. I take a lot of time to prepare him specialist meals that he wants due to sports training and I'm always on call if he needs a lift at any time.

I'm so gutted that this has shattered my visions of what our family would be like in the future. I obviously will respect his wishes, I'm not bothered that he'd rather live alone, because who wouldn't, but the fact that he would rather have low contact is such a blow.

Not Really sure what I want from thread other to have a vent as I can't really talk to anyone IRL. Feel free to share your disappointments, this parenting malarkey can be hard.

OP posts:
Unescorted · 13/10/2022 06:21

Sorry pressed post by accident.

She takes any deviation from her mapped norm as a personal insult. It is not intended on our part. We are just making normal life choices as any adult does and should.

Your son could be more tactful but you have to let him go. I wish I had had the same conversation with my mum. I didn't and now I am stuck with the chore mentioned by a pp of being guilt tripped into visiting and keeping my actual life under wraps because it is nothing like she envisaged and will only bring her pain. We have not moved on from when I was a teenager.

MMDSH · 13/10/2022 06:22

I'm going to disagree with most posters here. I think it's normal for him to do this. I think he needs time to become an adult on his own terms. Eventually he'll seek you out again - once he's matured.
I was really close with my mum at his age but I felt suffocated from her well intended questions. It wasn't until she stopped needing me to respond that I properly missed her again. In my late twenties I had matured more and appreciated my mum a lot more, then I had my twins and understood why she feels as she does. We're close again.

stayathomer · 13/10/2022 06:26

Blimey even if your son thinks these things, he really didn’t need to voice them like that. At 21 he should be more mindful of other people’s feelings. Honestly he sounds rude and spoilt.
I agree with all except for the rude and spoilt thing just because we don’t know how he said it. To be honest op I think he’s just tasted freedom and has the selfishness we all had at that age - blinkers on, fun, fun, fun!!! Myself and dsis were talking about her daughter who isn’t home a lot and I had all these ideas until I remembered how often I got home from college and realised my parents contacted me so much more than I did them. He’s gotten a taste of how it feels to not be answerable to anyone (hence his ridiculous comments on you asking him about himself too much). No help but just sounds normal for a 21 year old, but you should tell him he didn’t need to throw back everything great you’ve done for him and remind him you can think things but not say them

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

21 years old Families General parenting
AltheaVestr1t · 13/10/2022 06:26

Huh. My DS is 18, off to Uni next year, and I've also been told that he can't wait to move out, that he wants peace, that me asking how he is is annoying, and can I not say good morning? Mostly tongue in cheek (I am choosing to believe that, anyway!). Honestly, don't take it to heart, they are still children in many ways and they'll (hopefully) grow out of it

pictish · 13/10/2022 06:27

Well you know…his internal drive for independence is at play. He probably really enjoyed the peace and freedom to please himself at his friend’s house. Totally normal. He’s 21 so he’s ready to make the break. It’s no reflection on you that he’s talking about a weekly text…he’s imagining a fantasy life on his own steam. I’m sure the reality will involve a lot more texts to mum than he thinks.

I have a son the same age and he makes no bones about the fact that he’d love to move out.

KeepingKeepingOn · 13/10/2022 06:29

I’m slightly surprised by the responses here. I do agree that this is normal and is what he should be doing, stretching his wings etc. I don’t agree that thinking it, or even saying it, necessarily makes him a ‘douche’ or a ‘brat’ or ‘entitled’.

We don’t know anything about how he’s experienced living in this household. DH got the best of everything - top private schools, amazing holidays etc - but had no emotional availability from his SAHM mother. He’s now fairly low contact (but amicably). A friend of mine had a SAHM, who also gave the material things described, but who had no boundaries, to the point my friend felt really stifled and desperate to get out. They’re also LC (slightly less amicably). I’m sure both of those mothers could have posted a perspective similar to the OP’s. Doesn’t mean that anyone is ‘right’ or ‘wrong’, just means everyone needs to do some self-reflection.

stayathomer · 13/10/2022 06:30

Is it possible that ds21 also has some neurodiversity? I have multiple ND teens/adults and they definitely never mince their words. You should tell him how hurtful his words are despite you being more than happy he's got his independence. If he definitely isn't ND then you should do the same but more forcefully and ask for an apology.
I hate using the word ‘this generation’ but this generation have been thought to express their feelings and speak out. From my children, they friends, my nieces and nephews- all have been told to let people know whereas we were taught ‘things you think but need not say.’ A middle ground would be nice😅

ThisShipIsSinking · 13/10/2022 06:30

You have spoilt him, my 21 yr old bought his own car, just as l did at that age, l' m a widowed parent and haven' t had the time or money to indulge him. He is very grateful and appreciative of what l do.
This is ugly behaviour from a 21 yr old who ought to know better. Yes, my son is also looking to become independant but he doesn' t speak in the condesending way your son does and if l were you l would pull him up on it.

pictish · 13/10/2022 06:36

I remember listening to a radio interview with someone, don’t know who, who accurately described our kids growing up and away from us as being a bit like someone breaking up with you really slowly. It is like that. They’re crux to us, we’re a leg up and out to them.

Numbat2022 · 13/10/2022 06:38

He needs to move out. He'll be a much nicer person when you stop doing everything for him.

spiderontheceiling · 13/10/2022 06:38

Isn't this normal? I'm surprised he's survived until 21.
Give him a few years of independence and he'll become more grateful for all that you provided in his childhood. And when he has children, he may well move back to near you so that you can do childcare and meet up regularly. It happens!

mumofblu · 13/10/2022 06:42

I have a 14 year old who says stuff like that . Can't wait to leave , thinks she fits better in other families ( usually larger blended chaotic families ) who she thinks are more exciting. But I'm friends with these parents and I know more than her what their stories are and the heartache their children have gone through . We are boring . No major drama or split ups .
I've had all that you talk about but tbh they know s**t about the world .
Rest knowing that you have been a good parent , Teflon coat yourself so you don't feel it so bad and concentrate on yourself , your husband and your friendships .
And also address the unacceptable talking to you , yes they may think it but you don't have to tell me what you think thankyou .

XlemonX · 13/10/2022 06:44

All the things you mentioned giving to him are materialistic such as car, special meals, big bedroom - good job for supporting them for a comfortable living but that is not all a child want and need while growing up. A child without this but an emotionally available family which put lots of time and effort to engage is everything. They will always miss home because of the emotional connection. Not because of what you give them….

Flowermarket · 13/10/2022 06:49

I'd try not to take it to heart, though remind him that he can think things and not say it. And if he'd be happier living away then great! He can get himself a part time job alongside uni and move into student accommodation, as is perfectly normal for a first year. You've not banned that from happening I'm sure.

I remember that first taste of independence at 18, he's just a bit later getting it that most of his peers.

BooseysMom · 13/10/2022 06:50

Blimey even if your son thinks these things, he really didn’t need to voice them like that. At 21 he should be more mindful of other people’s feelings. Honestly he sounds rude and spoilt

I tend to agree with the above post. If I had come out with this sort of thing at his age I would have been told to get lost! It does sound like he's used to having everything on a plate. I would remind him of this if I was you op! Good luck

junebirthdaygirl · 13/10/2022 06:54

bluejelly · 13/10/2022 05:44

Part of growing up and becoming independent is rejecting your parents. Don't worry, as previous posters say, he will be back. Try not to take it personally.

This. My ds would go on with stuff like that around college age. I just laughed. He is now back living and mainly working from home so be careful what you wish for. And he appreciates home and is actually good company. Do you remember being a young adult yourself?
Don't be tempted to push him away or reject him in any way as he is only trying out his new found freedom. Keep an odd message going back and forth and leave the door open to him to come and go. But don't feel you have to change things for him or make him special dinners just be there. All is not lost..don't give it another thought.

AnnapurnaSanctuary · 13/10/2022 06:55

Don't worry OP, these are the years when he needs to spread his wings and feel independent from you, it's a natural part of growing up.

I had a happy childhood and am really close to my parents now, but there was definitely a period lasting for a few years in my 20s when I barely saw them and just about managed the odd phone call. Let him go, he will come back to you OP!

Mummummummumyyyyy · 13/10/2022 06:55

I was a selfish arsehole at 21, more so than when I was 14. By 25 I had matured and realised what a wonderful family I had. Now at 40 my mum is my biggest supporter and friend. I’m sure your son doesn’t actually mean what he has said but please make sure you tell him how hurtful and unkind his words are.

OperaStation · 13/10/2022 06:55

mackthepony · 13/10/2022 02:16

He is a brat.

His own car, biggest bedroom in the house and bespoke meals?

Wtaf

Tell him to come home when he knows better

I agree.

Also, if he’s 21 but has only just started his first year of uni what has he been doing for the past 3 years? Has he just been living at home while you fund his leisure activities and hobbies?

Iheartmykyndle · 13/10/2022 07:10

I was a massive dickhead in my late teens/early 20s, grew out of it and turned into a nice grown up. He's still growing and learning. I think it's probably time to stop spoiling him and let him stand on his own two feet more though.

Aria2015 · 13/10/2022 07:10

Can imagine how hurtful that was to hear but I'd take it with a pinch of salt. He's getting his first taste of freedom and it's a massive novelty. Doesn't sound like he's even been away from you long enough to miss you all yet. When I was 21 I went travelling for a few months and didn't even call my mum the whole time. I'm nearly double that age now and I speak to her every day and we're super close. You don't always appreciate what you have when you're younger and also the idea of something and the reality of it are very different. When he sees for himself that nearly everyone he meets won't give him the same level of support and interest that you have, he'll come to appreciate it more (and not doubt crave it!). He needs the opportunity to miss you all, so allow him his freedom and space and I'm sure he'll come to see the positive of family life for himself.

perseverence · 13/10/2022 07:22

AltheaVestr1t · 13/10/2022 06:26

Huh. My DS is 18, off to Uni next year, and I've also been told that he can't wait to move out, that he wants peace, that me asking how he is is annoying, and can I not say good morning? Mostly tongue in cheek (I am choosing to believe that, anyway!). Honestly, don't take it to heart, they are still children in many ways and they'll (hopefully) grow out of it

Thank God I'm not the only one experiencing this.
When it happened it really hurt - but now I know it is kind of normal.

Would recommend the book 'The Maturity Myth' though.

It is about how much they still need you...at that age...

and yes parenting is sometimes painful as OP says - and really stretches you...

I was a pain for my mum and dad too at sixteen - I think threads like this are so important as it is something that I'm sure many parents cry about behind closed doors - and don't really talk about how difficult it can be.

Hang in there OP.

perseverence · 13/10/2022 07:23

here is full title of the book:
The Myth of Maturity: What Teenagers Need from Parents to Become Adults Paperback – 17 Jun. 2002

Rinatinabina · 13/10/2022 08:08

I think it’s normal he feels that way but he really didn’t have to share it, it’s quite a cruel thing to say and he just doesn’t empathise with how you feel. He could have just moved out and not been an arse about it, tbh he’s spoilt, the feeling is not wrong but his need to make sure you know you aren’t worthy is not a nice trait. He’s 21 not 16 and should know better.

If it were me I would have said “thank fuck I thought you would never leave, btw I’m turning your bedroom into a den for myself”.

outtheshowernow · 13/10/2022 08:14

I suggest you cut off all financial support and then see how he feel about his parents then ! Why is he 21 and only first year at uni ? Let him go he has to learn the value of what he has been handed in a plate. My kids have worked from 16 to pay for driving lessons and nearly have enough for their first car. Nothings been handed to them without them working.