Daughter and friends excluding boy - okay or unkind?

[Kirstenwe456]

My daughter, 9, had her four friends (3F 1M - Yrs 5&6) the house earlier and they were playing in the treehouse but I noticed the boy, 11, was left outside. I asked him and he said the girls didn’t let boys in the treehouse. I told my daughter that’s not nice but she said she wants it girls only so they can talk about “girl stuff”. She also didn’t let him in her bedroom and forced him to sit in the bathroom while they made TikToks in her room. The whole thing was embarrassing.
In one way I can understand why she and her friends would want girl spaces but I don’t want her to come across as a bully! This is not the first time it has happened, she did this with another 12 yo boy at the local park. Advice?!

I don’t understand why she had him over if she didn’t want to play with him? Is this an organised play date or just friends showing up to play?

That sounds pretty mean.

Understandable but incredibly mean. If she invited him over to play then she includes him.

In future discuss what they're going to do beforehand to ensure all are included.

I would say that if she invites a friend over to her house then it's rude to exclude them.

If she wants to do activities with just the girls then she just invites the girls over.

I would have been raging if I'd found out this was happening to my son and wouldn't have let him go round.

Poor boy.

Well it’s fine to want girls only time/space. But you don’t invite someone over and then ignore and exclude them.
Just invite girls if that’s what you want!

They were rude and unkind.
I hope you have had serious words. Why did you let her behave that way in your house? I would have got my Dd out of the treehouse and out of the bedroom. I would not have allowed a child to be banished to the bathroom in my home!

Unkind.

That’s bullying, and also a nasty streak of sexism. I’m surprised you have to ask.

Remember when she was age two and didn’t want to share her toys with other toddlers visiting your house and you (hopefully) told her she has to share with her friends? This is the same thing.

If she doesn’t want to be friends with him anymore, but inviting him over then treating him like that is being a horrible bully. Nip it in the bud now or she’ll get worse and worse.

That’s mean of her. Talk to her about exclusion and how it’s form of bullying, how it must make him feel to be left out and you’re sure she wouldn’t want the same treatment from anyone else. If she continues you’ll have to make the treehouse out of bounds and they’ll have to play in a communal room or the garden.

@Glitterspy It was spontaneous. She invited them all round at lunch today and I wasn’t busy so I said yes.

@Holly60 They were all playing together at first but then after a bit she changed her mind and just wanted the girls.

@Smartiepants79 I didn’t want to cause a scene and embarrass her so just I’ve spoken to her about it this evening.

@Thinkingblonde I will if it happens again believe me but it like I mentioned, she has done this at the local park out of my supervision. I’m concerned about it becoming a big problem.

She's a bully. I'd nip that in the bud right now.

Nah, this is not acceptable.

@Kirstenwe456 "I didn’t want to cause a scene and embarrass her so just I’ve spoken to her about it this evening."
You say you didn't want to embarrass her? What about the poor boy? You needed to deal with this at the time, not hours later.

she is being mean and very unkind.

how would your daughter feel if it was her who was left out?

Next time she wants friends round I would say no. At 9 she is absolutely old enough to know this is nasty unacceptable behaviour.
I would only allow one child at a time until I felt confident she could behave herself

I'd embarrass her for that. The poor boy must have felt embarrassed so if she can dish it out she can take it.

Nip this in the bud asap!

Inviting someone around to play and then intentionally leaving them out is very bad behaviour and she sounds like a bully.

Imagine if your DD was invited to a friends house and they all ganged up on her and left her out?

I would have told her straight away, that she either lets him join in or they all have to go home.

I think in this situation it would be fine to ‘cause a scene and embarrass her’ to be honest. She behaved pretty horribly. How would you / she feel if the situation were reversed to her being made to stand outside the treehouse because she’s a girl?

That's awful behaviour. She is 9ld enough to know that if you invite someone round then you don't leave them out

I'd be telling her that she isn't having anyone round until I could be sure that she wouldn't behave like that again .

If the boy tells his parents I wouldn't be surprised if they decide he can't come round again anyway

Actually the forcing him to sit in the bathroom is terrible, my 9 year old would have been really upset if someone did that to him . You should have embarrassed her, that was bullying behaviour

That’s horrible behaviour. Not ok.

That's really mean and nasty, the poor boy! I can't believe you didn't deal with it at the time!!

Not nice behaviour and if it aS 4 girls and she left one out you wouldn't even be asking if it was mean
If my dd I would be saying bi to friends around for a while but personally would of stepped in at the time, embarrassing or not you could of always pulled her to one side and said all play or play date over

**no to friends

^ This. Your daughter is a bully OP. I would have ended the session and sent everyone home. Poor boy being excluded twice. I'd be mortified if my child did this.