Daughter and friends excluding boy - okay or unkind?

[Kirstenwe456]

My daughter, 9, had her four friends (3F 1M - Yrs 5&6) the house earlier and they were playing in the treehouse but I noticed the boy, 11, was left outside. I asked him and he said the girls didn’t let boys in the treehouse. I told my daughter that’s not nice but she said she wants it girls only so they can talk about “girl stuff”. She also didn’t let him in her bedroom and forced him to sit in the bathroom while they made TikToks in her room. The whole thing was embarrassing.
In one way I can understand why she and her friends would want girl spaces but I don’t want her to come across as a bully! This is not the first time it has happened, she did this with another 12 yo boy at the local park. Advice?!

You're daughter was being a bully to a boy, simply because he's a boy and you didn't want to embarrass her in front of her friends. But you were OK for the boy to be ignored and left in he bathroom. How would you feel if it was you're daughter being left out? I'd be telling my son to steer clear of the lot of them.

That’s what I would have done.

That is bullying.
I feel sad for the boy - how upsetting for him.

Of course it's not okay and it's unkind 🙄 did you really need to ask?!

I would have been raging if I'd found out this was happening to my son and wouldn't have let him go round

Same.

The bottom line is how would you feel if this was your dd excluded,had happened more than once and another parent stood by and did nothing!

She sounds like a nasty little bully. Nip it in the bud. Sad that you even need to ask on here - that’s why there are so many nasty little kids around - weak, enabling parents

He was invited over to play. If she wants to keep some areas as girls only then she shouldn’t play in them when a male guest is over.

But she’s 9, she’s allowed to make mistakes.

Honestly OP, it’s more concerning that you let this happen. If you let your daughter invite other children over, you’re responsible for them. Knowingly letting her exclude one child so that she wouldn’t be embarrassed isn’t on. How would you feel if she came home upset because she’d been made to sit alone at a fry house and their parents just shrugged and did nothing?

She also didn’t let him in her bedroom and forced him to sit in the bathroom while they made TikToks in her room. The whole thing was embarrassing.

This is straight up bullying.

If they wanted to have girls only time that is absolutely fine but they had already invited him so they needed to wait until it was a girls only day to have that time.

My mum and dad would (quite rightly) have probably said to my friends in front of me that they needed to call their parents to collect them as I was being unkind (pr if all the girls joined in, that they needed to call their parents to collect them as they were all being unkind.

The embarrassment felt by the one / one's doing the bullying would be a fair and relevant consequence of their actions. And they would have hoped the other parents backed them up, but if not then their house their rules and bullying is not to be tolerated whether by host or guest.

I would be disappointed in my child and feel sad for the boy.

I also think it's sad and quite worrying that your priority was not embarrassing your daughter rather than protecting a child you were essentially guardian of that day and providing a consequence for your daughter who is starting a pattern of bullying other children. Appropriate and relevant consequences are how we learn.

Obviously unkind, but why were none of the kids at school?

You have condoned her behaviour by not dealing with it there and then. This is why she behaves the way she does. If it was my son I would be livid that this happened whilst an adult was fully aware of her child's nasty actions

Well you allow a 9 yo to have tic tok, it's no surprise she isn't very nice.
I really don't like to lay into people on here but fuck me that's some shite parenting.
Protect your child, get her off tic tok and teach her the appropriate way to treat people.

Yep, that sums it up.

A little Mean Girl in the making.

The OP won't be back

My child wouldn't be playing over at yours again OP. Not because of your child's actions, she's a child and they can be thoughtless, self absorbed and inconsiderate. That's fine, could be my kid next.

But if my child had reported this back to me and I said "well did you tell 'Katie's' mum?" And my child said they had but you didn't address it, I wouldn't be too impressed.

Nasty , sorry to say this but your daughter is a bully.

That sounds mean, poor boy.

Thanks for the enlightenment. In hindsight I should have said more than I did. As well as not wanting to embarrass her I was very embarrassed myself by the situation and I was uncomfortable telling off the other girls.
I am going to tell her to apologise to him in the morning and I’m considering texting the girls’ mums about it.

@purpleboy lots of kids have TikTok now. She doesn’t view bad content.

Well done OP.. We all get caught in the moment sometimes. I wouldn't text the other parents personally. I would instead focus on my own child. You also need to open your eyes about Tik Tok. It's really not ok to have your 9 year old on SM. You have no idea who's looking at her videos and I doubt you can be 100% sure what she's looking at..

Ìf my DD had done that I would have spoken to all the girls together and insist they include him.. or the play date is over...if she wants girl only time then she has that another day, not when she's invited a boy over. If she was excluding another girl would you have responded in the same way? Poor kid.

In future take her to one side, say in a way that she knows you mean it, that if she doesn’t include everyone then you will be stopping the play date immediately & sending everyone home - and follow through.

This time she has excluded a boy for being a boy, next time it will be a random girl for having the wrong colour hair/jumper/wrong shoes etc. She needs to be told how horrible it is to exclude, not protected from embarrassment.

This is abusive behaviour. They know they’re being unkind — they’re deriving power from their ability to exclude the boy. Shameful.

Not surprised you’re embarrassed.

I’d’ve had a conversation expressing my strong disappointment as soon as the other kids left.

I have a 13YO DS and a 12YO DD. Neither of them have tiktok.

Your daughter is a bully.

Start being a parent for fucks sake!

You should have called it out right there and then with an “everyone is included or everybody goes home”. Your daughter should be embarrassed! Sometimes shame is an appropriate consequence!

No more group play dates as she clearly can’t manage her own behaviour and you won’t.

Tik Tok for nine year olds is utterly inappropriate.

I have a 15 year who isn't allowedd tiktok she's fine with it, never had snapchat or anything except WhatsApp. She's not a bully either she's kind and caring. It's not obligatory you know and you can say no to children. I would have ripped shreds of my child if she'd done something like that. That poor boy, he will always remember that.

if she had invited the boy to play, then I would have insisted she leave her bedroom and the treehouse to spend time with him.