Active discussions

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Original poster

Daughter and friends excluding boy - okay or unkind?

112 replies

Kirstenwe456 · 04/10/2022 21:00

My daughter, 9, had her four friends (3F 1M - Yrs 5&6) the house earlier and they were playing in the treehouse but I noticed the boy, 11, was left outside. I asked him and he said the girls didn’t let boys in the treehouse. I told my daughter that’s not nice but she said she wants it girls only so they can talk about “girl stuff”. She also didn’t let him in her bedroom and forced him to sit in the bathroom while they made TikToks in her room. The whole thing was embarrassing.
In one way I can understand why she and her friends would want girl spaces but I don’t want her to come across as a bully! This is not the first time it has happened, she did this with another 12 yo boy at the local park. Advice?!

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
Set a reminder
pilates · 05/10/2022 06:09

Well you didn’t handle that well.
Immediately you knew your DD was excluding you should have said something in front of her friends. Your DD cannot be allowed to get away with treating people like that. It’s very unpleasant.

Oblomov22 · 05/10/2022 06:36

I can't believe you let this go. It's nasty. Really nasty. You need to sit dd down and talk to her about excluding people. Shame on you that you didn't act immediately. Please correct that asap.

Toddlerteaplease · 05/10/2022 06:42

Get her off Tik Tok, she's way to young.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

12 year olds Families General parenting
TheOnlyBeeInYourBonnet · 05/10/2022 06:43

lots of kids have TikTok now. She doesn’t view bad content.

If she's on it in her room with her friends, how could you possibly know that?

Who is following her? What are their motives? What if they message her directly?

Fuuuuuckit · 05/10/2022 06:44

She doesn’t view bad content

She does. I'd bet my house on it. Even the most innocent videos can have invidious undertones. It's not appropriate op, please reconsider her social media presence. She's 9 FGS.

OperaStation · 05/10/2022 06:45

Incredible that you didn’t deal with this instantly when you saw it happening. Also incredible that you let a 9 year old on TikTok.

Fuuuuuckit · 05/10/2022 06:45

*incidious

YellowTreeHouse · 05/10/2022 06:46

lots of kids have TikTok now. She doesn’t view bad content.

Lots of other kids doing it shouldn’t make it okay for her to do it. She is far too young.

You don’t know what she views and can never know. She also doesn’t have control over what she views (and neither do you).

So although she may only want to view dance videos, there’s nothing to stop other videos popping up and there are a lot of dangerous, violent, sexually inappropriate videos on there unsuitable for a child that cannot be unseen.

You should have done some research and you should not be allowing her on an app that is too old for her with content that can be extremely damaging for her.

Tractorsanddiggers · 05/10/2022 07:06

I would be upset if this happened to my son. They are 9 so your are responsible and I would have expected you to manage this. How would you feel if a group of boys did this to your daughter?
I think the way he feels is a lot worse than your daughter's embarrassment and you could have done it so you are talking to all of the girls rather than singling her out

BroomHandledMouser · 05/10/2022 07:08

Not ok at all.

My DD (10) has just had a bollocking at school because she had a go at a year 5 for for not including a boy in their cheerleading game.

She pointed out that it was sexist and told them to stop being ‘sassy’

She then had to apologise, presumably because she had an opinion.

Anyway - I digress.

No OP that’s bullshit and not ok, I’d be having a word with your DD

pastaandpesto · 05/10/2022 07:14

DS is in Y10, 15 next month, and i have only just all owed him TikTok. Wildly inappropriate at 9.

RFPO77 · 05/10/2022 07:15

You have a bully on your hands and you facilitated it so you didn't embarras her! 🤔 Maybe she should be embarrassed, I wouldn't let my children near your house and if you don't do something you'll find these play dates drying up over the next couple years as your DD reputation gets around.

Beautiful3 · 05/10/2022 07:16

It's not nice to invite someone over and exclude them. Doesn't matter what gender they are.

Hitatiks · 05/10/2022 07:19

Macaroni46 · 04/10/2022 21:36

@Kirstenwe456 "I didn’t want to cause a scene and embarrass her so just I’ve spoken to her about it this evening."
You say you didn't want to embarrass her? What about the poor boy? You needed to deal with this at the time, not hours later.

This. My children are younger but I nip any exclusion of friends in the bud as it happens on play dates.

Her behavior was appalling. As was her female friends.

ladydimitrescu · 05/10/2022 07:20

I can't believe you just stood idly by and let it continue - if I was the boys mum and found out he was made to sit alone in the bathroom, I'd be fucking raging.

CeeceeBloomingdale · 05/10/2022 07:29

You're the adult here, you've described three instances of her bullying by exclusion and you haven't taken any action. You say you didn't want to embarrass her but I'd have done exactly that and called the girls out on it. If it had continued then everyone would have been sent home. Your daughter is behaving badly, this needs to be stopped immediately. Time to adult.

spiderontheceiling · 05/10/2022 07:33

How would you feel if your DD had gone to a friend's house for the afternoon with a group of other children and been made to sit in the garden or in the bathroom by herself? Or if the children you'd invited over had excluded your DD. The reason for the exclusion is irrelevant. She invited these friends over and you supported it. Effectively you're the host and, whilst you don't need to keep an eye on them all of the time, you are responsible for them and their behaviour.
Whilst you may have chosen not to intervene to save embarassing your daughter what you've actually shown her and her friends is that you allow bullying. This potentially gives your daughter direct power as she knows she can do this sort of thing and indirect power as the children involved today will all know that this behaviour is condoned in your house so they won't come forward if they themselves are the ones left out another time.
It's going to be awkward but I suggest you message the parents of all of those who came over, explain what happened, apologise for your lack of action and say that you have spoken to your daughter and ask them to explain to their children that you realise that both you & she got it wrong and would be intervening another time.

Verytirednow · 05/10/2022 07:36

PrincessConsuelaBanana · 04/10/2022 21:44

I think in this situation it would be fine to ‘cause a scene and embarrass her’ to be honest. She behaved pretty horribly. How would you / she feel if the situation were reversed to her being made to stand outside the treehouse because she’s a girl?

Totally agree! My child most definitely would not have got away with this behaviour.

PinkHeadphones · 05/10/2022 07:38

Op, if you insist on letting your daughter have TikTok at least read this if you haven’t already
www.nspcc.org.uk/keeping-children-safe/online-safety/online-safety-blog/child-safe-settings-tiktok/

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 05/10/2022 07:39

Certainly not acceptable - that poor boy having to sit in the bathroom by himself while the girls had fun in another room. Sad

I would have intervened there and then to tell them all to do something more inclusive. And I would probably tell dd that you're not willing to host any more impromptu play dates - she needs to decide in advance who she wants to play with, and then ensure that all of her guests are fully included.

Talk to her about bullying and get her to think about how she would have felt in the boy's position. Tell her in no uncertain terms that you don't want her to behave like that ever again, either in your house or anywhere else.

As for Tiktok... she is too young!!

Randomcommentary · 05/10/2022 07:43

Do 9 year old girls often hang around unsupervised at parks with 12 year old boys?

homarrrerr · 05/10/2022 07:47

Oh this is so horrible😢.

It is clearly bullying.
In the kindest way, I am surprised you weren't sure if this was ok or unkind.

Poor boy.

RedRec · 05/10/2022 07:50

Bullying and mean. You need to educate her out of this.
Doesn't look promising though as you are letting her use Tik Tok unsupervised at age 9 and watching on pathetically while she excludes some poor child.

Girliefriendlikespuppies · 05/10/2022 07:53

I dont really get why a 9yo would even have a phone, let alone have tiktok on it.

Anyway your dd was being v unkind and I would have hit the roof it my dd behaved like that.

I can't believe you didn't say anything once you realised what was going on, the poor boy must have felt awful.

SirChenjins · 05/10/2022 07:55

Yep, it's mean. I met 4 other women at antenatal and we all got all very well, so met up regularly for coffee etc and stayed in touch once the babies were born. As the children got older DS was regularly left out of things by one of the girls (who was the ringleader) who simply decided she didn't want a boy playing with them. It used to make me so mad as her mum was very half hearted when she admonished her DD. You need to deal with this OP - and the TikTok.

Swipe left for the next trending thread