Daughter and friends excluding boy - okay or unkind?

[Kirstenwe456]

My daughter, 9, had her four friends (3F 1M - Yrs 5&6) the house earlier and they were playing in the treehouse but I noticed the boy, 11, was left outside. I asked him and he said the girls didn’t let boys in the treehouse. I told my daughter that’s not nice but she said she wants it girls only so they can talk about “girl stuff”. She also didn’t let him in her bedroom and forced him to sit in the bathroom while they made TikToks in her room. The whole thing was embarrassing.
In one way I can understand why she and her friends would want girl spaces but I don’t want her to come across as a bully! This is not the first time it has happened, she did this with another 12 yo boy at the local park. Advice?!

So so mean, can’t believe this is a question. Also depressed that there is apparently set “girl stuff” and “boy stuff” at age 9. That should be challenged as well.

Your daughter is a bully, I can't believe you didn't send all the friends home immediately and deal with this.

Unkind and sexist.

My first action would be to get her off TikTok. It’s not appropriate for a 9 year old and won’t help her behaviour or self esteem in the long run.

I didn’t want to cause a scene and embarrass her so just I’ve spoken to her about it this evening

Are you serious? So your dd was bullying another child under your roof and you didn't put a stop to it because you didn't want to embarrass her? Have a word with yourself!

Just say to her not to invite boys round if she doesn't want to play with them. Does this boy not have male.friends to hang around with?

It's unkind, of course.

How would you feel if you were invited to a party, were looking forward to seeing everyone, but when you got there, the host and all the other guests excluded you?

Oh so much this, her self esteem and confidence is being destroyed looking at that, and as for making videos....maybe that's why she's so unpleasant to her friends, her own insecurities

She's a bully. Stop that behaviour immediately. Disgraceful

This!

So you allowed a boy to be bullied because you didn't want to embarrass your daughter, the bully!

Unbelievable. You should have stepped in immediately.

She can't invite people round and then "change her mind" and exclude one of them for any reason at all. Being a boy is completely irrelevant. I can't believe you even have to ask this question.

Appalling behaviour from both of you to be honest. That poor little boy.

Sod embarrassing your daughter. You should have dealt with her there and then and made it very clear this unkind, sexist and bullying behaviour is totally unacceptable.

Also you've enabled her disgusting behaviour by not dealing with it at the time, because you didn't want to embarrass her. But it was ok for the poor boy to be humiliated when he had to wait in the bathroom???

I wonder what else she gets up to that you're not aware of? Probably a bully at school aswell.

Also you've actually titled this thread 'okay or unkind?'

So were you really asking yourself this question??? Did any part of you actually think it was okay behaviour???????!

That was spiteful of her

You need to talk to your daughter. It's bullying and she may not realise,you do and there's no excuse for your not helping her.

I’d also be having a word with the school. If she’s like this at home what’s she like there? You might want to let them know that she’s a bully and to please keep an eye on her behaviour. If you’re all on board you can all help to correct it.

What has that got to do with anything?

I remember talking to teacher when my dad felt bullied(boy looking under her skirt persistently) and when I found notes that her friends and her were excluding a girl .They got the children to say what they thought bullying was.
My dad wasn't pestered and the whole group of girls made an effort befriending the excluded girl, those friendships persisted through to high school.

That makes no sense

Shiningstarr - I think that poster means DD not Dad! Although it's still difficult to follow that post.

A friend has recently been given a verbal warning for isolating a colleague at work and she basically behaved like your daughter. I think you should have dealt with it at the time and the toddler comparison in a previous post is interesting.

Well surely the answer to her behaving like this away from your supervision is to disallow park visits until she learns not to bully other kids. You seem so wishy washy, she just gets away with horrid behaviour because you didn't see it?

Auto correct messed up dd to dad.
The lessons were talking about bullying and then getting the children to write stories given different scenarios.A lot of young children know and believe bullying is not nice but don't always get what it includes.
Amongst girls it peaks in the last year of primary school/First year of secondary school when friendships become fraught as hormones move in(maybe not scientific but know by many mums who's daughter's have been there)Social media has made this worse .

Embarassment and shame can be powerful motivators when used properly.

I find it hard to believe that you as supervising parent allowed a child to be bullied under your roof and didn't intervene due to some weird idea that the girls should be able to create 'girl spaces' and exclude boys on a whim.

Of course they can have 'girl spaces' and hang out with girls if that's what they want. But the boy shouldn't have been invited to be treated in this way. If I was his parent, I'd be fairly upset about this, given that I would have assumed that there was a responsible adult there supervising who would put a stop to behaviour like this.

My dd has always been friends with a boy of tue same age but as they are getting older, she is finding she has less in common with him and is hinting to me she doesn't want to spend as much time with him

That is fine but if she invited him over and excluded him, l would be really annoyed with her and would shame her in front of him, even though that is not my preferred way of dealing with things. Usually l talk to her afterwards when it is just us.

Nip this in the bud now op.