School class WhatsApp groups for parents. Are they a nightmare?

[caggie3]

My son has just started school and I've said hello/goodbye to the other mums at the school gates but I haven't made conversation more than that. I've heard about school mum cliques and drama on here and I'm not interested. I'm just there to drop my kid off. We've had a note in his bag that some mums have started a group chat on WhatsApp and to text one of them to join and I didn't do anything with it. My husband has found it and is saying I should join it for our sons sake, get friendly with his potential new friends mums, be invited to things. I don't really know what to do now but I feel like I don't want to be in it, is that wrong of me? Or am I right to avoid and just keep a bit distant?

Ours is fine literally just reminders of dates and the odd question on homework.
I had heard horror stories of other schools ones but not my experience.

I've been on a few. I've seen one real fight and to be honest, it was quite entertaining. Usually there are just reminders about trips, holidays etc. you can always mute it if people start chit chatting on them. It's rare for that to really go in too long though, in my experience, because they'll start their own private group.

I joined. Stuck with it for a month or two but when the shenanigans started about more than reminders and useful info…. Think collections for teaching assistants I’d never heard of, and who is doing what for PTA s then I left.
I’ve no time for that.

I am definitely a “drop off, piss off” kinda parent.
I don’t mix/talk/smile/interact at all at the school gate.
my kids seem to thrive and do ok despite my bastard parenting behaviour.

In fact, I posted the very same question many years ago on mn and was ripped limb from limb and told that I was severely restricting my child’s social development.
Utter utter bollocks.

MN is obsessed with school what’sapp groups they don’t accept some schools don’t have them, my kids school doesn’t and was told I must be mistaken, 4 kids at primary and never heard any mention of them only read about them on here so no I am not part of one.

What's stopping your husband from joining so your son doesn't miss out if you don't want to?

It can be good for reminders, organising a class collection for teacher presents, meet ups in the holidays etc. I would accept but mute the notifications and archive the chat so if you don't feel the need to use it you can ignore but it's there if you want.
I've been lucky with the 2 I've been in all supportive and good natured and 1 has kept going through high school for the odd thing. Some can be difficult I've heard, I would leave one if there was ever any negativity or criticism of school.

My husband has found it and is saying I should join it for our sons sake, get friendly with his potential new friends mums, be invited to things. I don't really know what to do now but I feel like I don't want to be in it, is that wrong of me?

Pahahahahaha 😂 what a funny joker your husband is!
Did he give any particular reason why he thought it was up to you to join the group. Why doesn’t he get just join ‘for your son’s sake’?
Do what you feel comfortable with. I’m part of a group but it’s not very active, just generic school stuff - I reckon some of the more ‘cliquey’ parents have a separate one. But that’s not for me. There was group when my DS was at nursery too, I ended up muting it. DS is happy at school, has plenty of friends and we get invited to more birthday parties than I care to go to. He doesn’t need me to make friends in order for him to make friends.

I'm just glad they weren't a thing when mine were little. Although the entertainment value might have been worth it.

I'm worried it looks worse to be in the group and never reply, or open things then it does to just not be in the group at all? I can't be bothered for idle chit chat or any drama/bitchiness. He's saying it'll be all mums and that I do pick up and drop off so it makes sense for me to join, I said I already have friends and apparently that's an antisocial way of thinking!

your husband can join instead then!

FWIW my kids’ groups have been quite useful - reminders, party invites, meetups in the holidays and so on.

With these groups you usually find they soon stray away from why they were initially formed, you then want to leave but don't want to appear rude so mute it and wish you'd never joined

They are so useful - there has never been anything on ours but useful information sharing, party invites and reminders of costume days etc. I would be screwed without it tbh.

I’ve always found them really useful for school stuff and nothing dramatic has ever happened.

As pp said, why didn’t your husband join the group if it’s going to stress you out?

I’m on two and they are fine, there are some people on there who have never said a word but I personally don’t give it a second thought and wouldn’t have time to be bothered to check who’s been on there and read messages etc. I think you’re overthinking it. It can be a godsend with reminders about stuff.

They are quite useful for things like reminders about events, non uniform days, trips, homework etc but generally I find the one I'm on an annoyance. People who don't read emails from the school asking the group when so and so is when it's all in the emails, 24 parents wishing one child happy birthday, who won't even read the messages, moaning about how itchy the school uniform jumpers are etc... I have to mute it on a regular basis! I've not made any friends on there, but it is quite useful to have those parents numbers available to you if you want to set up a meeting at the park or something with your kids friends from class.

Ours is occasionally useful so I’m in it for that. Depends how good your school communication is and whether or not you are bothered by your child missing random ‘bring x’ to school days or not…

I have a hard and fast rule of muting it as soon as it strays beyond the helpful time.

once or twice it’s been funny in a ‘omg I’m cringing for you’ sort of way.

never de lurk for anything more controversial than a ‘yes I’ve got little johnnys jumper, I will bring it in for you tomorrow’.

I'd join it, see what it's like, and then mute it if it gets annoying. I'm in two. One is rarely used other than "has anyone brought home X's jumper" etc. One parent did take it upon themselves to screenshot every communication from school and share to the group "just in case we missed it" which got a bit tiresome but that has stopped now. We also have a smaller one for that year group for DS's friends to organise get togethers.

The other one was a bit busier with parents asking questions but seems to have calmed down now they are in year 2.

It is useful when it's your child who has lost something or the odd occasion that you missed a letter / email from school etc and have a question.

Definitely mute though as you get one person say ‘Freddie’s lost his jumper has anyone gone home with it by mistake?” And everyone replies saying no until one person says yes! Really annoying, if it’s no just don’t reply! So mute is your friend.

It's going to depend on the individual school. We have one and it is only passing information on (from the class reps to everyone else), to circulate invitations, to ask has anyone seen X's shoe/hat/water bottle, to share photos from sports day etc., ask questions about homework. I have literally never seen any gossip or anything else on there.....everyone is in it so it wouldn't be a good place to gossip.

Your DC is going to struggle with your current attitude towards the social side of school tbh. You don't need to make lifelong friends, but you do need to engage with other parents to an extent (no drama or gossip required) for his sake.

I would strongly encourage your DH to also join, you both need to be across the school admin.

The one I was in was great. But it was a v v v small school, and we all got on well. I can imagine larger groups can get a bit testy. Join it. If it's not working for you, you can always mute/leave.

No one hardly messages in ours, also had a little one who has just started school. The only messages have been about p.e and photo day or for admin to add others.

It's quite nice of them to organise a group and share the invite.

My dc doesn't have a group. I suppose it would be nice if people used it for informal invites eg "some of us are going to the park Saturday morning if anyone fancies." But I wouldn't want constant stream or "is it pe tomorrow"

You can always mute it

Loving the drop off, piss off!!

Plenty of people on the WhatsApps I am on for school never, ever reply! 😂 Generally speaking what tends to happen aside from reminders is that someone will ask a question and one of their mates will answer it. Or someone who works at the school - fair few of those in one DCs year group. It's useful though - to keep in the loop and be reminded of school photographs or other things you might forget about. It's not used for anything else as no-one engages with general discussions. The only thing that is annoying is millions of thank you messages for arranging a coffee or something. Wish people would send those directly to the person concerned.