Quotes from Narcissistic Mothers (& support for their victims) Thread 2

[01Name]

Following on from this thread: www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4610023-to-ask-for-your-quotes-from-narcissistic-mothers?page=39&reply=120137262, started by @itsgoodtobehome as a tongue-in-cheek repository for anecdotes of appalling remarks/deeds from parents/siblings with rampant NPD. It morphed into a place where those of us suffering the effects of such behaviour could share experiences, solidarity, advice and support. I hope this thread can continue the good work of the original. Your voice will be heard; your opinion and thoughts matter. You are welcome and valued here.

@Cranarc @speakout @girlswillbegirls
Its quite shocking how much subliminal damage is done by a narcissist parent without us being aware until we hit a ‘bump in the road’

i didn’t really connect it until recently but my mother also had a strange thing about other people eating - bizarrely and particularly about actors on TV. She used to say she hated the sounds they made and how it made her feel slightly sick.

One of her favourite methods to control me in public when I was a child was to tell me that, “people are looking at you!” Looking back, I don’t think for a minute they were but it always worried me they might have been which has now evolved into a public eating anxiety. Now I’ve identified why I feel this way, I’m feeling a little bit more able to deal with it. @speakout I like your advice about ordering sharing portions/tapas etc. it would certainly ease the mental pressure of being confronted with a large portion and also to be totally open with others why I’m doing it too. Thank you so much. Xx

Yes to this. I felt exactly the same. My mother is like Jekyll and Hyde. She has a ‘dark side’ which is mostly reserved for me . She’s a lovely little old lady to those she wants to impress. My daughter has seen it. She can be really vicious.

I always thought counselling and therapy were the same thing, English is not my first language, sorry. I feel I am not ready for neither of them. There are days I even find hard to read this thread, but it is being a sort of therapy for me. Thanks for the suggestions with Ramani and Patrick Teahan, I'll definitely follow this up.
The Jekyll and Hyde personality is also very familiar. It's strangely conforting to read some people went/are going through the same thing. I can at least understand more about myself.

Yes, it is (at least to some extent) comforting to know that other people have had similar experiences. I feel less isolated.

I’m intrigued by JohnPrescottsPyjamas being told “people are looking at you”. I was sometimes told “you’re showing me up” but I was the most timid, well-behaved child and, looking back, the only public bad behaviour I can remember is hers.

It is comforting to know others are in a similar situation- not that I am glad for the fact, I have great sympathy for others who can relate.

Part of the food issues/ ED that my mother kindly imprinted on me I was not allowed to wear short sleeves outside the house.
My mother said I had such ugly skinny arms that she didn't want people to think she wasn't feeding me properly. She called me a skinny malink, and I became ashamed of my arms too.
Even on hot sweltering days I had to wear long sleeves.
I always cover my arms now when I am with my mother, it still makes me uncomfortable to bare them when she is around.
I have no qualms about sleeveless clothes now- I will happily wear a swimsuit on holiday, or vest tops in summer- but when she is around I find myself reaching for a cardigan.

Oh yes. I’m in no way glad that other people had such experiences; the small comfort comes from the feeling of solidarity.

Clothes are another vexed issue. Mine has opinions on nearly everything I wear. “Where did you get that?”, “what, another new coat?”, always said sneeringly. It’s very tiring.

The clothes thing is interesting mine had issues around clothes and hair, she didn’t like me choosing my own clothes or changing my parting or fringe (nothing major never had a restyle!) I would get don’t know why you are wearing that it looks stupid, or what have you done to your hair it doesn’t suit you. Even as an adult I get such gems as look at your boots aren’t they ugly and oh you’ve had your hair cut (accompanied by a look of disgust)😂not one complement has ever passed her lips

Shortbread49 I can relate to that too.
If I get my haircut my mother will often refer to the colour - " you have used that cheap jet black dye again haven't you" er no- I just had a trim.
If my mother gets a haircut or colour it is a huge parade, she will strut up and down, shows my from all angles " How do I look" " Is my hair lovely", " Isn't it shiny" " wait till the other women at church see my hair, they will be so jealous". "Mrs Smith at church has badly thinning hair, I will sit next to her for a laugh"

If asked outright about the hair I will say something neutral lik " It's neat" or " It looks tidy"

Same here with hair and clothes.
She was vicious with her comments during my teenage years which really crushed my self esteem. Fortunately when I turned 40 I found my confidence and I'm finally happy with myself.
On my wedding day, i had to endure all day the look of disgust on her when I was dressed, my hair and make up done.
She is still very negative on anything o wear, my hair style etc and complements herself all the time.
She has no interests of any kind and does not listen to anything you want to share.
Until I found this group I thought it was just me.

i started getting make up and clothes for birthdays and Christmas from about 14.

not stuff I wanted or liked, but stuff she thought I should be wearing. 30 years I’ve got “nice” or “smart” clothes and make up as presents, never used any of it.

as a teen she used to hide clothes she didn’t like at the bottom of the dirty laundry pile. Then if I didn’t notice after a time bin it.

she used to make me get changed to go shopping, “get you out of those awful jeans”, go through my wardrobe “oh this is old, you don’t want that any more”. And comments like “put a bit of lipstick on, brighten yourself up a bit”.

best one was when she came to visit once, and brought loads of white bedding, collected up all my coloured sheets for her sewing group, as “white is cleaner”. And I was supposed to be grateful.

Oh dear. That all sounds so familiar, so plausible. Another favourite here is “but you look so nice in [something last fashionable 30 years ago]”.

@WaggledMyAerialAndWolfedMyCustardCreams Just like you I was also the quietist, timidest child too so I can’t quite imagine why or how I was supposedly attracting negative attention? Likewise, my mother was incredibly conscious of others perception of her and ‘the shame’ as she put it, of anyone not seeing her as the perfect wife/mother. I was always under very strict instructions as a child not to ‘tell our business’ to other people.

Regarding clothing, there was a grimly funny incident several years ago which I’ll never forget. In front my adult DCs and DH she said, “That’s a nice top you’re wearing. Where did you get it from?”
”I bought it from Next”
”Oh, I thought Next only did clothes for slim people?”

I was a size 12! And there was me thinking she was actually going to be complimentary! 😏

My mothers favourite phrase when I was growing up was ‘take some pride in yourself’. What I realise now is that it’s hard to have any pride in yourself when you’re never complimented or made to feel proud of yourself.

My mother isnt half as bad as a lot of the narc ones I read about on here but I really struggle with feelings of anger of times when she’s let me down in the past, we all make mistakes and I try to go with the mantra of ‘well she was / is doing her best with the tools she had’ but when there are situations where she’s actively choosing her own pride over her daughters emotional well-being I did that really hard to deal with.

I’m generally pretty grey rock with her but this week I asked if she could visit and help us out as we’re struggling with generally keeping on top of things with two small kids and in a way I don’t even care if she comes to help, it would just be nice to have a mother who responds with a bit of compassion and says ‘you’re doing a good job’.

They are jealous and see you as the competition so need to put you down to make themselves feel better mine is like it with most women although at any point in time will have someone who is her favourite who she raves about

As a teenager I was made to buy all my own stuff-she’d think nothing of binning the small amount of clothing/shoes/make up I’d bought as she didn’t ‘approve’

last week I agreed to have my sons dog while he took his girlfriend (who I hadn’t met before) to paris
they came to me to drop the dog off-the idea being they’d stay the night and go from our house to the airport

all fine

they got to ours about half past two and left at midday friday
the girlfriend walked in,sat down and refused to say a word to me or dp
no ‘hello’ ‘goodbye’ ‘thanks for washing my trainers’ or ‘kiss my arse’-nothing
my son had a go at her for being rude and the most sense he got out of this rude witch was ‘well your nans told me all about HER and what a whore she is,I don’t know why you bother with her,she’s been rude to me!’ (I hadn’t,I fully respect who he chooses to date and had been friendly and polite to her)

it looks like my mother has filled this madams head with loads of lies and I know for a fact my mother will be pumping her for info about me-my clothes,my house,my dp-the lot

im just praying my son sees sense and finishes it with her soon

@Builtforcomfortbutnotspeed how grim. In terms of your son seeing sense, another piece of sense he could do with seeing is not exposing girlfriends to your mother's bile, and possibly not continuing to expose himself to it either.

The problem is she lives about 15 minutes from him and I live 3 hours away

(I moved to get away from her once the kids where adults)

she’s very good at doing just enough for them so they feel they need her but she doesn’t put herself out if nobody is watching (hence me having the dog for 4 days-she’ll have him for an hour so the neighbours see her but anything longer and it’s too much like hard work)

im not the sort of person who tries to control the kids lives-they are adults who make their own choices-I’m here for advice and to be part of their lives without being overbearing

I just praying he gets bored with her and finishes it with her-I’m fuming as she has blocked me on sm and slagged me off to all her friends and family-apparently I was rude,nasty,spiteful,unwelcoming and so was dp (he wasnt-he walked in and said hello to which she just grunted at him and didn’t look up from her phone)

i swear to god,I wasn’t rude or nasty-I’m not that type of person (anyone who knows me will tell you this) and am hurt as I didn’t do anything to deserve it-my dp really didn’t-hes a lovely bloke who my son gets on really well with

@Builtforcomfortbutnotspeed And yet you’re not too rude, spiteful, unwelcoming or unpleasant to call on when she clearly needs a favour like dog sitting? Cheeky bitch!

It’s certainly a skilful trait that narcissists have that they can convince others outside of their immediate circle that they are always the victims/wronged party. Seen it so often. Mother all ‘distressed and teary’ because someone had rumbled what her game was, but her friends rallying around her and telling her how nasty some people are, thus reinforcing her perceived invincibility.

My mother did this recently. Shouted abuse at my dad (her ex of 35 years) as he left my home. He told her to get lost in no uncertain terms. She drive straight to my sisters in tears ‘your dad has just called me an xyz’ brilliant.
as for this girlfriend. Crikey o’reilly who dragged her up? Regardless of what she might have been told about you, manners cost nothing.

My DM always thought I was bigger than I was and I've always been small. Once when I mentioned a coat was too big as I was a 12 she said loudly that no I was MUCH bigger than that!

She was about a 20 at that time. But that was because the sizes in shops were wrong.

I think she used to look in the mirror and see this slender goddess when in reality she was a shapeless lump with shit clothes.

She also used to bang on about her tiny waist. Well it was when she was 20. Everyone's was when they were 20!

And her "bust" was so big she couldn't have button up shirts. No it wasn't.

Oh goodness - Yes!!

Mine used to say to me that, “You need to be careful you don’t put on weight as you come from fat stock on your father’s side” What the is ‘fat stock’?
And, “You won’t always have that sylph like figure, you know”

She was also an 18/20 too and funnily also used to go on about her tiny waist and her flat stomach - which wasn’t, but everyone was too polite to say anything else. She also maintained she was very fine boned, of a slight build and was very slim until she hit the menopause. What she forgot was being her daughter, I always knew what she looked like and she was never tiny.

Yes here, too. Mine used to boast about physical attributes which she very definitely didn’t have.

Mine is obese and has given up claiming she isn't. But she made my life a misery for being overweight until I got on the yo-yo diet train. Now she also sings the fat genetics song to me. I have finally managed to get to and keep to a healthy weight and she HATES it. She "compliments" me on it, immediately followed up with "of course you'll get fat again eventually. It's in the genes. Nothing you can do about it." And when I had hit healthy weight she resolutely bought me jumpers in size 20 for Christmas, so they "wouldn't be too small".

Wow! Yet more things these women who think they are so unique have in common.

It is beastly and uncalled for.

I posted this on IG - I really don't care if it's outing. My mother (who doesn't do social media) but clearly watches my posts, never a kind word to any of them - called to say ´chinchin - what have you done to yourself, both your father & I just don't ...

OMG - my husband died in lockdown, and she still is so hugely critical of me.

And when the borders opened - did they make the effort to visit me and their granddaughter. Nope. Total wankers.