Quotes from Narcissistic Mothers (& support for their victims) Thread 2

[01Name]

Following on from this thread: www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4610023-to-ask-for-your-quotes-from-narcissistic-mothers?page=39&reply=120137262, started by @itsgoodtobehome as a tongue-in-cheek repository for anecdotes of appalling remarks/deeds from parents/siblings with rampant NPD. It morphed into a place where those of us suffering the effects of such behaviour could share experiences, solidarity, advice and support. I hope this thread can continue the good work of the original. Your voice will be heard; your opinion and thoughts matter. You are welcome and valued here.

I was once sexually assaulted
all she could say was ‘what did you do to lead him on?’

I was in a relationship with a violent man and one night he went for me-really went to town on me
i managed to ring her to come round and it took her almost half an hour to drive the 5 minutes to my house
she walked in,ignored me (I’m on the floor,covered in blood,broken bones and in shock) and said to him ‘I know Simon (not real name) it’s not your fault she drives you to drink,then winds you up enough so you hit her’

then told me it was all my fault as I ‘shag pond scum’ and ‘that’s all your worth’

im now nc,and been with a good,kind,amazing man for the last 7 years and the smear campaign is out of control as she doesn’t like it

the food issues ring a bell-she has to ruin every meal out-and people pander to it as poor mum/auntie doesn’t like xxx and they don’t do aaa which is what she wanted
she’d eat anything if she was at home with no audience

and she loves a stay in hospital
its like a 5* trip away for her-all the attention from doctors,nurses and her family and friends-heaven
and every single time,she gets out and the whinging starts-all really bad complaints but won’t complain to pals as ‘it’s not that bad’ even though the level of complaints would have the hospital shut down if they where true

Oh so many of your posts resonate with me. I didn't see my parents for more than a year during covid. When we finally did meet, I got a massive hug and lovely words from my dad, he was so pleased to see me he had tears in his eyes. DM said "oh, you've got a cold sore".

When DD was a toddler she was funny and feisty. DM said "you used to be like that, I wonder why you lost your spark". Hmmm yes, I wonder..

She likes to cook and is terribly jealous and never complimentary if I cook something that other people enjoy. A couple of times she has "accidentally" switched off the timer when I've had things in the oven. DH and I had to laugh at that.

It's water off a duck's back now I'm proud to say, but she still gets to my sister, and my brothers are both a mess in different ways.

She is also very misogynistic, everything is always a woman's fault. She went on and on about how sorry she felt for "poor Oscar Pistorius" when he was convicted of killing his girlfriend. I said I felt even sorrier for the woman he had murdered. She said "yes but you don't know what goes on in a relationship do you, I mean what had she done to make him so angry?"

I did ask what she thought Reeva might have done that meant she deserved to be shot dead, but she just tutted and turned to look out of the car window.

Sorry, this thread has opened the floodgates - I will stop now!

It’s really sad so many women were brought up to desperately try and please men whatever they the men did. . It must always be the woman’s fault of course. Not bad enough that so many men have no respect for women, many women of that generation were brought up to compete , compare and shame other women. They had no real voice, so used it against each other .

Yes, exactly that. Mine has cared for no woman in her life apart from her mother. Her few women friends are just a means to an end.

Internalised misogyny is the most insidious part of patriarchy.

My mother brought me up to dislike other women, to mistrust them, to compete against them.To fawn to men, to giggle and smile a lot when men are around, to always defer my opinion to men, to praise,close my own mouth and be sweet.
She truly believes that men are cleverer, more trustworthy, deserve to be paid more than women.

@speakout I'm so sorry that happened. This is also not normal, for your mother to blame you when your violent husband abused you, she should have been there for you.

@girlswillbegirls I'm so happy to hear you made a full recovery. What your mother said sounds so like something my mother would say.
Nowhere near as bad as what your mother said, but going back to when I found out I was pregnant with our second child (unplanned, there's 13mths between them). I remember clearly telling mum, and her reaction was "omg, you can't manage the one you've already got, well you can think again if you think I'm going to look after them for you!

That reminds me of when I got married - DH and I did it quietly at the local register office, didn't tell anyone until afterwards. (Partly to avoid the drama of a big day and the inevitable scene.) When I phoned to tell DM, she said, "well at least you're not pregnant, you having a baby really would be a disaster". She was furious about missing out on her big day, but my lovely ex SIL stuck up for me and really went to town about what great news it was, how lovely DH is etc. And then unbelievably DM apologised. It's the one and only time. So thank you ex SIL.

This thread is so supportive- a very understanding corner of the internet.
I have had comments from people- "you only have one mother" or " make the most of her while she is here"
It must be difficult to understand for others who have supportive mothers, that feeling of isolation can be really hard for those of us with narc mothers.

I find buying a mother's day card difficult, my mother would read the pre-written words out loud- all that " you are always there for me" or " a mum in a million" ,"if mums were flowers I'd pick you" etc.
I now buy a blank card and write- "Best wishes- speakout" or similar.

Yes the pain and isolation of having a mother who does not support you or show empathy is worse than having no mother at all. It’s like a constant wound that never heals.

Yes, mothers day cards are terrible and yes she also reads the verses out loud. I can't get away with a blank one she detests blank cards as 'lazy and lacking in thought' so I spend ages looking for bland non-slushy ones.
She's not the world's greatest mother or always there for me.

I couldn’t face buying a Mother’s Day card with a soppy message so have been buying blank cards for decades.

MidnightConstellation - You’re right. My history is my history, so I’ll never not have an unsupportive mother and so the pain will always be there, but I still hope to heal, if only to make sure I don’t pass it down to the next generation.

I would like to add that healing is absolutely possible-still a work in progress for me of course, but even recognising the situation and having awareness is a massive leap.
And remember most narcs have limited ability for self analysis.
Becoming aware is the most important step in healing-and it is possible to stop the cycle.

Thank you, speakout,

if only to make sure I don’t pass it down to the next generation

This is the key thing I think - that it stops with us.

Not passing the generational trauma to the next generation is powerful work, please give yourself recognition for your deep work.
When we carry mother wounds and are ourselves mothers we carry a double burden.
We can't change our past, but I do believe we can ease our pain. Absolutely.
It is never too late to deep dive, re-parent, and heal our past selves, our inner child. Give that beautiful young spirit the comfort and encouragement we never had. It will bring healing to the here and now.

Thank you. That’s a very positive and affirming post. I suspect, as children of narcs, we are even more anxious and sensitive about not repeating the cycle with our own. I still ask my adult children for assurance that I’m not like my mother was and whether I’m showing any of her traits.

The greeting card thing is familiar. I received the most vicious verbal attack because I gave her a birthday card with flowers on it. She screamed at me that I knew she hated cards with flowers on them - I didn’t, and it was the first time I’d ever heard about it - and how I’d intentionally ruined her special day by giving it to her. Confusingly, she used to randomly send me these mawkish, schmalzy Susan Polis Schutz cards covered in doves (and flowers!) with these “Daughter, I love you because…” poems inside.
I always found the wording almost sickening because the contrast between them and the actual way she treated me couldn’t have been more opposite.

Thank you @IclimbedSnowdon
And thanks to those encouraging words about healing is possible @speakout
I am kind of stuck in the healing process.
I completly agree Mother's day is a very difficult day. Not just the card but for me is seeing other women bringing their mums out and feeling i will never be able to have any meaningful relationship with my own mother. I don't think I actually accepted this is never going to change. And I know very well it is never going to change. Only because I have my own children I do focus in them and how grateful I am to have them. Have a lovely weekend* *everyone ❤

I absolutely believe healing is possible, and lead to a place of wisdom, peace and awareness.
My own healing journey has been long, and had some stuck patches, but recently moved at a faster pace, has involved tears, laughter, pain and has taken courage.
I can see such progress that I am quite excited - others close to me can see a transformation too.
Our hardwiring can be changed,even though some of it was formed in childhood, causing a lifetime of maladaptive thinking.
Everyone's healing journey will be different, depending on our own personality and what support is available.
For me that has been some hypnotherapy, shadow work( I also have an element of spiritual practice), CBT, journalling, and importantly Gestalt therapy. All supported by daily meditation and yoga practice.
Your healing journey may look different, but having awareness of our thoughts, responses and emotions is an important first step.
Learning about the limbic system, and our parasympathetic responses allows insight into our internal landscape.
Treating ourselves with compassion can heal pain.
We will never be able to change the way the narc in our life operates- but we have a huge control over our responses.

@speakout

Thank you very much for taking the time to explain what works for you. I know I should be doing some therapy, I don't think I'm ready yet. I am going to start by keep reading the posts here (I even find this hard as they really resonate) and will be ordering the book is mentioned in many posts, and take it from there.
I struggle with praise pretty much. I had my performance appraisal in work recently which apparently (I am even now feeling unconfortable writing this) was very good. My line manager said she cannot understand why I looked so confused, everything was excellent etc. I nearly burst into tears but kept it togeter. I kept questioning why she was saying all that. I was never good enough in my mother's eyes, I actually cannot remember a single moment she said something good. That's when I know deep down I need to do some therapy.
Thanks again for your post.

girlswillbegirls I am sorry to read that.
Becoming free of the need for my mother's validation has become very liberating.
In order to be comfortable and accept praise in your situation with your boss we need to start feeling that we are deserving of praise.
Women, especially daughters of narcs have experienced so much shame as a child that we can end up thinking the very worst of ourselves and not worthy of praise.
I can appreciate that counselling doesn't feel right for you at the moment,but you can take little steps to validate and find self love.

Wow, I could have written this. My brother's girlfriend attacked me. My mother sent me a message saying she loved the gf and she was part of this family. My mother is now NC.
I can't understand why she didn't back me. I couldn't do that to my children.

My mother went through a phase, when my DD was in her early 20s, of contacting her and taking her out for shopping trips, treating her to impulse buys and offering to pay for her groceries as she ‘was conscious DD had a lot of bills as she’d just bought her first flat’

On the surface, she seemed to be trying to be thoughtful and I was hopeful that maybe it was a way of making amends because of our poor relationship. I was optimistic that it could only be a plus if they had positive bond and almost a small step in going some way towards healing past history.

Perhaps I was over sensitive, but I started to distrust my mother’s motives when she started asking me if I minded and if I was jealous of the fact she was taking DD out and showing interest in her? There was no reason for me to be and I felt it was a bizarre question for a GM to even ask but the fact she had, made my senses tingle.

My DD subsequently told me that things started really well but my mother, as she always had with me, started to disregard personal and emotional boundaries. The final straw was her saying to DD that she could always talk to her about things that DD might not want to discuss with me. There are plenty things I’m sure my adult DD might want to keep private from her own mother but even more so from her GM - especially one with a history of manipulative behaviour, which DD has seen first hand. Sadly, a sad and futile attempt to displace or undermine my relationship with DD.

I’ve just witnessed something similar with mine. She badly wanted to do something (which would have been generous) for a grandchild, but was then furious when their parent did it instead. It made my senses tingle, because it became clear that it was more about power and manipulation (and especially undermining the parent) than it was about generosity.